Teens and Lying
With the exception of a select few, my magazine reading has fallen woefully off lately. Same old, same old. Too much to do. Too little time. However, I was browsing the online site of one of my favorite women’s magazines, Family Circle recently, and came across this letter on teenagers and lying. It has some really good advice on how to handle one particular lie, at least-teens and friends of whom you disapprove.
Q: My teenage son lies to us all the time. The other night he said he was going to one friend’s house, but he actually went to another kid’s house—a bad kid we don’t want him to hang out with. When we asked him where he had been, he lied right to our faces!
A: All teens lie, particularly when their backs are to the wall. If your son thinks he’ll get grounded by telling you the truth, he’s going to stick to his story with punishing intensity. He may even turn the tables and accuse you of never trusting him. Rather than get sucked into a discussion about who can trust whom in your family and who’s lying to whom, stay focused on the behavior behind the lie. Before you even broach the topic of good and bad friends, make it clear that you must know at all times where to find him. Explain with no equivocating that if he lies about his whereabouts again, he’ll pay the consequences. (You and your husband need to figure out what those consequences should be.)
When things have cooled off, try to find out a little more about the kid you think is bad; rather than forbid the friendship, which is guaranteed to backfire, ask your son what he admires in this young man, what they have in common. Suggest he invite him over, and then try to observe what they’re like together. Until you’ve given their relationship the benefit of the doubt, you won’t be able to reach a compromise or to teach your son that friendship is built on respect, shared values and the freedom to be oneself without fear of ridicule or criticism. Your goal is to help your son decide if this relationship fills the bill.
I pretty much agree with this wholeheartedly. Particularly with the advice about inviting the friend over and trying to get a good picture of who he is and what your teen sees in him. Sometimes, we judge our teens friends on what we hear from other teens and even parents, without making an attempt to get to know them for ourselves.
What do you think about this advice? Would you handle this problem a different way? Let me hear from some of you about your experience with your own teenagers.
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April 4th, 2007 at 7:04 am
Hi Gayle - I agree with your response. Most people will lie when they feel it is the only way to avoid a horrible outcome or if they feel shame about their behavior. I love the idea of including the other boy by inviting him over and of asking the son what he admires or likes about him. This keeps the communication open and respects the son’s feelings and choices. Teen years are very challenging for both parents and teenagers. They are big power struggle times. I suggest that the parents also focus on providing leadership opportunities for their son — more times for him to feel powerful and in charge at home. Have him choose family activities, meals, or projects. Have him be in charge of the family chores, managing job assignments and making sure things get done. If they can also shift from punishment to using consequences — eliminating blame, guilt, shame, and overpowering — chances are better that their son will not find “bad friends” as a way of getting back at his parents. Finally, all kids want to belong. The more this boy feels connected to home as the place he belongs, the less likely he will seek out this acceptance in less positive circumstances. Please visit http://www.wholeheartedparenting.com for articles and more.
April 4th, 2007 at 11:37 am
I agree, completely. When I give my daughter, 15, permission to have friends over, she is usually more than willing to invite them over. However, there are a few friends I know she absolutely refuses to invite over to our house because she knows their behavior/attitudes are unacceptable.
We’ve opened the invitation to all of her friends. Our rules are she can’t stay the night at anyone’s house until we know the person she is staying with. I have found that if she is “forbidden” to have a particular friend, she goes out of her way to be friends with the forbidden person, but, if we encourage and embrace meeting all of her friends, she tends to weed out the “bad ones” on her own.
On the lying, I know she lies. But for most things, she is openly honest, and some of those things she’s honest about I think I’d rather hear a lie! But, at least she’s talking.
April 5th, 2007 at 5:51 am
I also agree.I have 2 teenage daughters,there is very few that they aren’t allowed to hang out with.We allways try to give them and their friends the benefit of the doubt first.They know what behaviors are excepted and what ones aren’t.They are aloud to hang out until their behavoirs conflict with the rules and expectations of the home and family,it is only then that we start restricting friendships.I can honestly say that there is only one that they are absolutly forbidden to be around ,& they actually haven’t given any grief over it.Though ,they also know that we live in a town where everyone knows everyone and their buisness.At times that irretates me,but the girls know that they are going to have a hard time getting away with something because they know that eventually mom and dad will find out.Though when confronted even if we already know pretty much of the situation we still give them many of oppertunitis to speak on their own behalf.Also we know that when one daughter is in trouble and being confronted we know that everything about the other one is going to come out in the open.At times this also irretates me,but none the less there are times where we ‘ve been glad that we were told no matter how the info got to us.
April 13th, 2007 at 2:00 am
[...] I don’t know. Sure, my kids might be lying to me, but I prefer to give them the benefit of the doubt first. A lot of folks fear the teenage years - but you know? I find myself having more fun with my kids than ever. Hopefully that’ll keep me in tune with them and what they need until they finally decide they’ve had enough of ole mom and move out. [...]