Parenting Teens

When should you allow your teen to begin dating? This is a question faced by every parent sooner or later. Opinions vary widely. If your teen wants to date someone at 13, should you allow it? Or should you insist that they wait until age 16? Or is there some other “magic” age that you have in mind?

First, you might have a talk with your teenager about what they consider to be “dating”. Some younger teens consider dating or “going with someone” to be mainly the contact they have at school. They may enjoy working on class projects together, or just hanging out together at lunch or recess. Knowing what your teen considers “dating” to be may help to lessen your stress about the situation.

Some concerns parents have include:

* Is my child responsible enough for dating?

* Will early dating lead to early sexual experimentation?

* Will my teen be safe on a date?

These are all valid parental concerns about teen dating.

David Elkind, professor of child study at Tufts University, and author of The Hurried Child lists several reasons why early dating (before age 14) can be a problem. Among these are that relationship skill may stay superficial. Boys and girls may use the impressions of relationships they see on TV and movies as guidelines for relationships. They may imitate the behavior of those relationships, rather than developing a real relationship with the other person.

Also, they may spend less time with same-sex friends. These relationships help teens learn many skills about getting along with others. These skills may not be developed as well if they begin dating early.

In addition, their personal identity may be underdeveloped at this age. People need a sense of personal identity in order to become close to another person. If a teen does not really know his or her likes and dislikes, and values, they may not be able to relate to a person in a healthy way.

Younger teens are more vulnerable to peer pressure. They may be pressured by partner into an early sexual relationship, if they begin to date too early. Research shows that teens who become sexual active early may have more difficulty in later relationships.

Dr. Elkind believes that 14 or 15 is the earliest age at which teens should start dating. Prior to those ages, parents can do several things to resist their teen’s pressure for early dating. Suggest group activities, such as sitting together at ball games and other school events. Have a frank discussion with your teen about your reasons for not wanting him/her to date early. Encourage your teen to be active in hobbies and activities that he/she enjoys, and stay involved with where your child is and what he/she is doing.

When your teenager does begin to date, set rules to help him or her get along better in dating situations. Set reasonable curfews. Not too early to allow time for conventional dates like movies or ball games. Not too late to allow your teen a lot of time afterward to be in an unsupervised situation. Set reasonable consequences as to what happens if your teen does not get home on time.

Plan activites such as inviting your teen’s date to a family dinner or out to a movie with the whole family. Allow some dates to take place at home, watching TV or movies, or playing video games, rather than going out. Allow reasonable amounts of time for talking on the phone, instead of always going out.

Keep lines of communication open with your teen, so that they will feel comfortable talking with you about dating situations. Above all, realize that parents are still one of the strongest influences in their teens’ lives. Your continuing involvement and participation in your teen’s life can help him or her to develop strong, healthy relationships with both sexes.

Source: The Hurried Child, David Elkind, Addison-Wesley

teen dating, teenagers, parents, parent involvement, relationships