Parenting Teens

…or something like that.

Sometimes, as I’m at my house, alone with my children, telling them something in a slightly elevated tone of voice - exhausted or bemused, either way - it appears that my mother sneaks in, and says things that I remember hearing from my childhood. She is just suddenly THERE, flying RIGHT OUT OF MY MOUTH. How the hell does that happen?! From things like “don’t you roll your eyes at me…” to “Leave you brother/sister ALONE” to “One day, you’re gonna feel BAD for doing that…” I’ve heard - and said - them all.

But you know what? That last one? Is a LIE. I don’t feel bad! In fact, I’ve been cackling - yes, CACKLING - for two days now! You see, my baby sister reminded me of a stunt I’d pulled on her back when she was 7 or 8, that STILL GIVES HER PAUSE today! That, my friends, is a Class A stunt! I am very proud. As are my kids. The baby sister? She’s declared me evil, and that I was going to be sliding straight to the fiery pit of doom. To that, my friends, I only have one thing to say: WHEEEEEEEEEE!!!

What was my devious deed? Well, back when I was 11 or 12, and my sister 7 or 8, I had a bff named Laura. She and I were practically joined at the hip even through she was 2 years older then me, and we spent a good portion of that summer at the high school swimming pool. Back then it was open every day for open swim, and only cost 50 cents to get in, so it was a good use of our time. AND there was a cute blond lifeguard that looked EXACTLY like Bo Duke, and Laura and me, we were totally going to get his attention/marry him/be his one and only (yes, the both of us) for that fact alone. We were slightly in love with the Dukes of Hazard, you see, and all I remember of the life guard was that he had blond curly hair that reminded us of Bo. Instant IN LOVE FOREVER were we. Yes. I am fully aware NOW that he must have thought us total dorks. But that has nothing to do with the story.

You see, it all started when my baby sister wanted to tag along with us into the deep end. We, being older, wiser, more mature, didn’t WANT the tag-along, well, tagging along. Apparently - though I’d forgotten about it until she reminded me yesterday - apparently I decided to spin a tale of horror to make her stay on HER side of the pool. In the Shallow End. In a stroke of pure genius, I told her that if she went to the deep end, a JAWS like Shark would come out from his home under the grate in the center of the deep end and EAT HER UP.

She believed me.

Not only did she believe me? But come to find out, as I’m laughing hysterically while she tells me how awful I am/was, she STILL hesitates every now and again as she swims over that damn grate in the bottom of the pool! STILL! At the ripe old age of 33! This from MY baby sister, the swimmer extraordinaire, who’s gotten my youngest to join the team with her and her kids, and does triathlons and is THIRTY-THREE YEARS OLD. She STILL gets that little squeamish feeling every now and again.

Just goes to show that even when I was 11-12, I RULE!

Of course, being the sensitive, mature woman that I am today, I treated such news with calm and sincere apologies and… who am I kidding? I’ve been laughing my ass off ever since she told me! And thinking of many, MANY devious plans that can help me capitalize on this little nugget of information. It’s not often something said so many years ago maintains a level of power over a grown adult! The kids can greet her by humming the JAWS theme! I can get her a toy shark that plays the theme! I can get her the BOXED ANNIVERSARY MOVIE SET! In 3D! I can make the JAWS theme her specialized ringtone on my phone! In fact, the bass clarinet player in my daughter’s band loves me, and offered to play said theme song FOR said ringtone to further personalize the torture!

And Oh. So. Much. More…

Oh yes. I am an evil. evil. EVIL woman. This Christmas will be FUN! In fact, I JUST discovered this little item that came through my feed reader this morning COMPLETELY RANDOMLY, which means that this upcoming torture is FATE. You see, it appears that the JAWS boat is going up for auction!

The fishing boat owned by the shark hunter who inspired the “Jaws” movies is going to be sold at auction.

New Yorker Frank Mundus, credited as being the real Captain Quint from Peter Benchley’s Jaws novel, on which Steven Spielberg’s movies were based, died in September at the age of 82.

His 40 foot wooden boat, Cricket II, will go on sale online in February, with a starting price of $25,000.

February, hm? I bet we can extend this fun until her birthday on the 26th, don’t you think? It’s the PERFECT birthday gift!

PS. Anyone have $25k I can borrow?
PPS. WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

PPPS. Kids, be nice to your siblings. They might grow up to be JUST LIKE ME. MUHAHAHAH!