Parenting Teens

…and I’m presuming you were kids, teenagers, etc. since we didn’t actually catch you IN the act - we do know that you’re short, as you managed to pull the seat way forward. Heh. And since we’re unsure just which batch of neighborhood teenagers that you belong too (other then not MY group, because they OH SO WOULDN’T because they know better - but we’d be having serious words right now instead of writing to YOU if they did….) I thought I’d write an open letter to you, and all the other joyriders of the world.

First things first. Thank you for bringing the car back - or most of the way back.

Weren’t expecting that, were ya? Sure, the cops had been out looking for a couple hours, and you probably were the ones that got stuck in the ditch down the way where my sister saw fresh dig out marks, but at least you DID bring it most of the way back. With a dead battery since you left the lights on, and empty tank (I know, it only had 1/4 tank in it anyway. Sorry bout that.) So as it’s my only form of transportation, I do want to thank you for being considerate enough to take it back.

However, this does not forgive or forget the fact that you were assholes enough to steal it out of my driveway to begin with. I mean, SRSLY guys! From my DRIVEWAY? Sure, my dog who barks at everything, didn’t bark. And I’ve left my keys IN my car for the past 12 years. And you couldn’t have known I’d need to go pick up my girls a couple hours after the last time I came home. And you really couldn’t have realized that I would call the cops - after all, my late husband would never have called them, as he figured being a card carrying NRA member and lover of all things sharp and pointy, he could solve most things on his own.

But I am not he, and he is no longer with us.

Its just… mind-boggling. MY car? It’s a ‘95 for heavens sake, an completely falling apart at the seams! The CV joint is going out (that would be the thumping you heard on the right front tire..), the heater is an external button attached to the dash with a zip tie with two settings - on and off (also known as HOT AS HELL and OMGFRIGID!). The front seat has a broken bolt and probably would fly out of the car in an accident, the ignition switch is going out… so on and so forth. Of ALL the cars on this street, you pick MINE? SRSLY?

Seriously, guys (or gals) did you really think this thing through? Is this the first time you’ve done this? I mean, parts of my keychain went missing just a couple days ago, and now that I think about it, I HAVE been going through more gas then usual.. not that I’m accusing you (ok, I am), just sayin’.

And then there’s this. Everyone in the neighborhood knows that I’ve a group of teenagers living here off an on. Everyone knows that I’m the ‘Cool Mom’ and that I would give you the shirt off my back, twice, if you needed it. Everyone knows that I’d take you for a ride if you needed to go somewhere, and if you’re one of mine or their friends, if you needed a car that badly, I would have HANDED YOU THE KEYS. All you would have had to do is ask. Instead, what you did was disrespectful, and seriously uncool.

I think you were compelled to bring it back for one of two reasons - you thought you wouldn’t get caught as maybe you’ve done it before or your simply that stupid, OR it was simply my good karma trampling all over yours - which means I’d watch my back if I were you.. because somethings gonna bite you. Soon. Either way, the car is here now, and the keys are in my possession.

I regret that now I’m going to have to start locking things up, and I feel there’s a bit of innocence lost in that. I don’t care for it much, and I don’t appreciate you stealing my Small Town Feeling away from me like you have. Next time, guys. Just ask. If you need something, just ASK.

Sincerely,
The Cool Mom.

PS. You left your flashlight in the front seat of the car with the keys when you bailed. Officer Jay would be happy to return it to you if you just call the Police Station.

PPS. My son is his Daddy’s boy, through and through. Just sayin’.

Today I am tired. So tired my snark isn’t in full working order, and my furrowed brow’d confusion is much more the facial fare. It’s nights like last night that give wrinkles - fortunately my fool proof wrinkle solution is till fill them up with fat - round and wrinkle free! Whooo!

Anyway.

Part of being mom to my kids and all their friends, is being available to them in an emergency. Last night I received a phone call from B. She was tentative, and hesitant, and I knew right away something was wrong. She made sure I had gas, before asking me quickly if I could take her and her roommate to the emergency room, because said roommate had swallowed the rest of her pain pills.

My heart stopped. I won’t lie - I broke some speed limits to get to them. I made it to their place in less then 5 minutes, and to the hospital from there in less then 10. And thus began my 7 hour stay in the Emergency Room with one of my daughters of the heart rather then blood, and her newly inducted-to-the-mama-worry-club friend.

As we waited, I gathered the rest of the story - or what we knew. She’d taken the rest of her pain pills, 21 of them, because “no one cared”. She had heard some things through the grapevine that originated with family and what they were saying behind her back. Fortunately, she decided to text two of her best friends - B included - to tell them what she’d done. She found out quickly that people DO care. B called me, I came to get them, and the text messages were flying as people checked on her, and tried to figure out what happened and why.

Then we had a surprise - a nurses aid walked in, and said she was C’s grandma. This is where the confusion began for me. She knew what had happened, she read the chart, she got our stories, she patted C’s hand, made vague accusations about C and her ex-roommate that were completely false, and then… she left.

She left.

I’m sorry, but that makes zero sense to me. C wasn’t even mine, and I was there, helping her get undressed into her gown, helping her answer questions to the nurses, the doctor, holding her hand as she cried when the Vampire Lady drew blood for toxicology. I brushed her hair back, I let her know I was there, I told her where I was going when they kicked us out so she could talk to psych, I checked on her often from the waiting room…

and her grandmother left.

Not only that - she called her father, which was something C didn’t want to happen as these family stories that set off this episode originated there. (C is 18, and the hospital didn’t call anyway by her request.)

Her dad arrived, asked at the check in desk if she was there, and the receptionist pointed him to me. As she is his daughter, I filled him in on what had happened, and what we knew at the time - her blood tests had come back normal, she could sleep this off without doing irreparable harm to her body, but we weren’t sure she’d be coming home until she was awake enough to talk to psych. He mumbled something, then paced a bit, then went out for a smoke, came back, and looked worried - and pissed. And bored.

When C was released, they gave me her paperwork. She hugged her dad, then faced him to give him a general why/what happened. Then she came back to me, so that I could take her and B come around 4am this morning. Once there, I made sure that she knew she could call me to talk anytime, that I cared, that I was there if she needed me.

I gave Dad and grandmother my number, in case they needed to find her and couldn’t, as I have access to their friends. But I didn’t expect the call I got this morning - grandma made arrangements in C’s behalf - without C’s knowledge - to move her out of state with family she hardly knows, in order to escape the problems she’s had here. I promised to pass the message along, but she’d woken me up and I wasn’t about jump to her bidding right then. I passed it on, yes, but not until I was awake, and I did not call her back with B’s number, leaving the choice of contact up to C.

I just don’t understand some parents. I don’t do the helicopter hovering thing, but I certainly don’t ignore them and their needs either. Every one of my kids knows that I will drop EVERYTHING to get to them if they need me, no matter the time of day, no matter the cost involved, no matter what else is going on. My kids need me, and I’ll be there.

If you’re not willing to do that for your kids, why the hell did you have them in the first place?

ETA - 9/1: Thank you guys for your comments. I wanted to let you know that she’s been in contact with me several times since that night. She texted me this morning, thanking me again for being there, and promising that she’ll remember I’m always here for her just as I am for all of my ‘kids’. She was going dress shopping with her cousin for her cousin’s homecoming -she sounded better, and is doing OK. Thank you for keeping her in your thoughts and prayers. We appreciate it!

The past week saw two more incidents involving school shootings or potential shootings by teenagers. On Wednesday in Cleveland, Ohio, 14-year-old Asa Coon shot two students and two teachers, before killing himself. Police are currently reviewing surveillance videos, trying to find out how the teenagers was able to enter SuccessTech Academy alternative school, while armed with two revolvers.

The teen also, apparently, had made threats the previous week, which went unheeded, along with other warning signs from the troubled boy. Asa Coon had been suspended the Monday before the shooting for a fight, but fellow students said that school personnel had not done anything about threats he had made the previous week to blow up the school and stab students. Rasheem Smith, 15, a classmate, said, “I told my friends in the class that he had a gun and stuff. We talked to the principal. She would try to get us all in the office, but it would always be too busy for it to happen.”

Asa’s older brother, Stephen Coon, 19, was arrested the day after the shooting for theft and parole violations. And an arrest warrant was issued for his mother, Lori Looney, for obstruction of justice, after she lied to police about the whereabouts of Stephen.

The second incident occurred in Philadelphia. There, police were able to prevent a planned attack at Plymouth Whitemarsh High School by another 14-year-old boy. The teenager had amassed an arsenal of including knives, swords, about 80 pellet guns-and a rifle bought for him by his mother. The mother, Michele Cossey, has been arrested and charged with providing a firearm to a minor, and contributing to the corruption of a minor.

Her teen son was arrested late Wednesday and told police he had been planning a “Columbine-type attack” on the high school. The boy’s parents had taken him out of middle school and homeschooled him for the past 18 months, because of bullying.

These are yet two more tragic and shameful incidents which plainly illustrate the ways in which we are failing our children. Failure to communicate with our teens, and failure to take action when signs of trouble or violence are seen has tragic consequences. Please stay in touch with what’s going on with your teenagers! If you see ANY signs of problems, take them seriously, and get help for your child. It can save grief and lives-including those of your teenager and yourself.

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One of the front page stories in today’s Atlanta Journal-Constitution is very relevant to this blog. It tells the story of what one family went through to get their teenage son into an intervention program, and how this program changed the entire family.

At age 16, Bubba Brocard, of Cobb County, Georgia, had become a menace. He punched holes in walls during outbursts of rage. He got drunk and belligerent one day, high and aloof the next.

“He was totally out of control,” John Brocard said. “He was using marijuana, was drinking alcohol, lying, stealing and manipulating us. He would verbally abuse me and cuss at me in front of my wife and challenge me to fight.

“His constant outbursts of anger and rage scared his older sister and younger brother to the point they were afraid to be around him. His mood affected our whole household and our marriage.”

Bubba’s parents, John and Fair Brocard, were so desperate to save him, and their family, that they arranged for Bubba to be kidnapped in the middle of the night at their home, and taken to an intervention program. The program is named in the article, so if you’re interested in it, please go to the link above. The purpose of this post isn’t to support or point out any one program, but to have you read the story of the Brocards.

It’s a remarkable story that led to the complete turnaround-not only of the Brocard’s son, who is now 25 years old, graduated from high school and college, and has a good job-but of his parents, who now run their own non-profit organization to help other families with troubled teens.

Read the article. You’ll get a lift, as well as, possibly, some inspiration, if you’re in a situation like the Brocards’. If any of you readers have serious problems with teens, please let me know about it. I can point you in the direction of some specific programs, if you’d like.

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As a social worker who once worked with juvenile populations, the term “troubled teen” troubles me! Troubled seems to be such a catch-all word. Teenagers can be troubled in so many different areas, making this a blanket term, which gives no vital information into what kinds of problems a teenager may be facing.

Having said that, I feel the teen in this brief article from the Atlanta Journal-Constitution really is troubled.

Henry County police said a Luella High School student who reported being stabbed this morning actually cut himself and faces possible charges.

Capt. Jason Bolton said the 16-year-old male is cooperating with detectives. Bolton said the teenager, who was not identified because of his age, could be charged with making a false report of a crime.

Police said the teenager arrived late to his first class of the day and told his teacher he’d been stabbed as he entered a portable classroom. The student was airlifted to Grady Memorial Hospital, where doctors determined the cuts were superficial and non life-threatening, police said.

The knife believed used in the incident was found on school grounds, Bolton said, but he declined to further identify it.

A teen must really need attention badly to do something like this. Now, I am not blaming his parents. Teens are not known for always readily talking about their problems to anyone, let alone their parents! But I have to wonder if no one-parents, teachers, friends-noticed that this teen was really upset in some way. Had there been difficult changes in his life? Was he teased and made fun of in school? Was he a loner who didn’t socialize with his peers or anyone else?

At least in this case, he did not turn his feelings onto someone else and stab fellow students or teachers. But I feel a very deep sorrow for this young man, and for his parents. He needs help, and I hope this is a wake-up call for his parents, teachers, and others around him to see that he gets it. I can’t help wondering how many other teens out there are in similar situations.

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If you are the parent of a child of any age, particular teenagers and preteens, you are probably concerned about drugs. And you should be. Drugs are rampant today. You can’t read a newspaper or watch a local TV newscast without seeing and hearing stories involving arrests for possession or selling of drugs, or crimes committed by people who were drug users.

Drugs are on school campuses from elementary school to college. Don’t be fooled into thinking that it isn’t happening in your child’s school. So, what can you do to help prevent your child from having problems with drugs? Active Parenting Publishers, which offers many great publications on parenting, has a poster with the following ten roles parents can play in preventing problems with drugs, sexuality, and violence. Please visit their site. They offer many great books and other tools for parents, kids, and teachers.

1. PARENTS AS ROLE MODELS Be a positive role model. Children learn best by example.

2. PARENTS AS EDUCATORS AND INFORMATION RESOURCES Be informed about drugs, sexuality and violence–and talk with your child.

3. PARENTS AS POLICY-MAKERS AND RULE-SETTERS Make rules–for example, “No use of illegal drugs by anyone in the family, and no use of alcohol or nicotine by anyone under the legal age”–and enforce them.

4. PARENTS AS STIMULATORS Encourage your child to take part in hobbies, school activities and sports. Get involved. Play fun family activities.

5. PARENTS AS CONSULTANTS AND EDUCATORS ON PEER PRESSURE “Just say no” is easier said than done. Teach your child to resist peer pressure without feeling foolish.

6. PARENTS AS MONITORS & SUPERVISORS Set and enforce curfews; know where your children are.

7. PARENTS AS COLLABORATORS WITH OTHER PARENTS Join with other parents to gain support and new ideas. There’s strength in numbers.

8. PARENTS AS IDENTIFIERS & CONFRONTERS Know how to identify drug use and other problems and confront your child when necessary.

9. PARENTS AS MANAGERS OF CHILDREN’S HEALTH Don’t delay–seek medical help if you suspect your child is engaged in unhealthy behavior. Trust your instincts!

10. PARENTS AS MANAGERS OF THEIR OWN FEELINGS Don’t blow up; don’t give up. You’re not guilty.

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A new study reported at Web MDshows that teen self-injury, such as cutting, may be more common than previously thought.

The study was headed by Elizabeth Lloyd-Richardson, of the Brown University medical school and the Miriam Hospital in Providence, RI. She and her colleagues surveyed 633 students at five U.S. high schools about coping with difficult social and emotional problems. The survey focused on deliberate (but not suicidal) self-injuries, such as cutting, hitting, burning, and biting.

Around 46% of the students reported some form of self-injury within the past year. Past estimates had put the number at only 4%! That’s a huge difference! Moderate to severe self-injury was reported by 60% of the self-injurers.

The most common types of self-injury were biting, hitting, cutting, and burning skin. The most common reasons given by the teens for self-injury were “to try to get a reaction from someone,” “to get control of a situation,” and “to stop bad feelings.” Interventions to stop teen self-injury should promote other ways of coping with their problems, handling stress, and communicating with others, note the researchers.

Self-injury is, apparently, a much more common problem than originally thought. Do you have a teen who you suspect is hurting her/him self? Watch closely for signs of frequent and/or regular injuries, particularly of the types just discussed. Also, observe your teen for signs of stress, lack of communication, etc.

If you suspect your teen is hurting her/him self, seek help immediately. Call your doctor or community mental health center, or, if you’re not sure where to turn, talk to your teen’s school counselor for recommendations.

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Today, I’d like to use Parenting Teens to spread the word about a wonderful program called YouthBuild, USA. The following information about their programs is taken directly from their website:

In YouthBuild programs, low-income young people ages 16–24 work toward their GED or high school diploma while learning job skills by building affordable housing for homeless and low-income people. Strong emphasis is placed on leadership development and community service.

All YouthBuild students are poor and many have had experience with foster care, juvenile justice, welfare, and homelessness. Participants spend 6 to 24 months in the full-time program, dividing their time between the construction site and the YouthBuild alternative school. Community- and faith-based nonprofit organizations sponsor most programs, although some are sponsored by public agencies. Each YouthBuild program raises private and public funds to support itself. Primary support comes from the U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development through a dedicated federal line item.

Because a comprehensive approach is called for, the YouthBuild program has gradually and inevitably become a number of things at once:

An alternative school, in which young people attend a YouthBuild school full-time on alternate weeks, studying for their GEDs or high school diplomas. Classes are small, allowing one-on-one attention to students.

A community service program, in which young people build housing for homeless and other low-income people, providing a valuable and visible commodity for their hard-pressed communities.

A job training and pre-apprenticeship program, in which young people get close supervision and training in construction skills full-time on alternate weeks from qualified instructors.

A leadership development and civic engagement program, in which young people share in the governance of their own program through an elected policy committee and participate actively in community aff airs, learning the values and the life-long commitment needed to be eff ective and ethical community leaders.

A youth development program, in which young people participate in personal counseling, peer support groups, and life planning processes that assist them in healing from past hurts, overcoming negative habits and attitudes, and pursuing achievable goals that will establish a productive life.

A long-term mini-community, in which young people make new friends committed to a positive lifestyle, pursue cultural and recreational activities together, and can continue to participate for years through the YouthBuild Alumni Association.

A community development program, in which community-based organizations obtain the resources to tackle several key community issues at once, strengthening their capacity to build and manage housing for their residents, educate and inspire their youth, prevent crime, create leadership for the future, and generally take responsibility for their neighborhoods.

YouthBuild USA was founded as the Youth Action Program in East Harlem in 1978 by Dorothy Stoneman (now president). In 1984, it became citywide in New York and, in 1990, became nationwide as YouthBuild USA. Since those beginnings, the program has had many successes and has become a valuable source of lifebuilding skills for many teens, as well as providing helpful resources for low-income families. Success stories of some of the program participants can be found on the page titled Stories of Transformation.

Check out this site to see all the wonderful things they’re doing, and to find out if there is a chapter near you. This can be a wonderful resource for teens in general and, especially, for teens experiencing problems.

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