Parenting Teens

As parents of teenagers, I’m sure you know that no matter how many kids you actually gave BIRTH too, you’ll become mom to a whole plethora of random souls that follow your teenagers home. There’s the friends, the friends’ friends, boyfriends and girlfriends(SOB!) and all of the friends’ girlfriends and/or boyfriends. The front of your house resembles a revolving door as the ever changing dynamic brings different groups to your house.

And once they are there - they eat.
They eat a LOT.

(What they DON’T do, however, is dishes. Dammit.)

I’ve been generally lucky with both of my teenagers choices in friends. There’s a solid core group for each of them, and the majority of those friends I like. I think I’d like them even if I gave birth to them and had been stuck with them for the past 16+ years. They call me mom (indeed, most don’t even know my real name) and since my house is the one closest to their schools, they parade in and out between school and work and the drive home to check in, make phone calls, check their work schedules (I keep copies of ALL the kids’ schedules for them - mine plus friends)… and eat.

Fortunately, I’ve discovered that - while not exactly the healthiest choice, it’s certainly one of the cheapest - they love cup of noodles. Any day of the week, you can find at least two, and sometimes three or more, teenagers in my kitchen, vying for the stash, the water, and the microwaves so that they can make their snack. One of the boys, Z, works at a store that has a Chinese Food Stand, and thus a bunch of soy sauce packets and chopsticks for the taking when you buy a meal. He buys the meal, grabs extras, and then the kids don’t even dirty my silverware to eat. A cup o’noodles, a set of cheap/free wooden chopsticks, and they’re happy as clams.

If clams liked cup o’noodles, that is.

I like this little ritual, though I’d never tell THEM that. I love that they feel that my house is a safe place to be, that they’ve somewhere - someone to turn too, even if it’s for something so simple as a snack. Those that drive have ‘their’ parking spots, and they repay my steady supply of noodlage by giving my kids rides here, there and everywhere. (With the price of gas what it is, I’m pretty sure I’m coming out on the good side of THAT deal.)

They talk to me, too, and it’s not just because they swear I have the mind of a 16 year old boy. At least I don’t think it’s just because of that - but either way, they come to me when they need help, and feel they can’t go to their parents. That’s not to say I wouldn’t call said parents if the situation warranted it, but usually it doesn’t.

This openness is how I ended up with B. sleeping on my couch.

B was Z’s girlfriend at the time. Z is one of The Boy’s friends. She’s a lovely girl, all attitude and smiles and piercings and multicolored hair - and she’d had a bit of a raw deal dealt her. Her mom died in 2000, her dad had her live with her grandparents after that. It was rough going, and though she had the support of another set of grandparents, it was just rough. The night they kicked her out/she left, they came directly to me.

There was no way I was gonna let her sleep in Z’s car somewhere, so I made sure she knew she was welcome to stay with me. I let her relax for the night, but the next day came the hard part.

Many think I’m a pushover, but my kids (and their friends) would tell you otherwise. There are consequences to your actions, and when you are kicked out/moved out of your house at 17, one of them that all important phone call. I had B call her grandparents, and let her know she was safe. Then she called her manager, explained truthfully what happened and why she missed work, and walked her through how to make it sound right and keep her job. Then I made sure she had her meds, her paycheck, access to everything she needed. And when her other grandmother called me, I was honest with her and let her know what was going on, exactly.

As worried and scared at the new situation that B was, I think she appreciated my lead and help during the month she lived with me. In fact, I know she did, because she just invited me over to her new apartment for dinner two nights ago. She turns 18 in two weeks, found herself a roommate, and let me help her find a kitten. Her dad showed up with some furniture, pots and pans and such, and between us we got her settled in well.

And don’t think that she’s off the hook! I talk to her daily, usually via txt (I know, I’m SO freakin hip!), usually initiated by her. I nag her about her meds, I nag her about her money, I make sure she has food, I make sure she has rent, and I make sure she’s checked in with her grandparents and dad. She knows she can come to me no matter what - she even uses me as her emergency contact number. She’s one of my kids now - how could I treat her any different then I would my own?

It’s a fine line to walk, that of parent and friend, at any age, but they all know - as lenient as I can sometimes be in some situations, I am no pushover. And I love nothing more then to look at them, grin big, throw up my hands and crow…

“I WIN!”

A new study from Johns Hopkins Children’s Center talks about the sexual health of teenage boys. The survey of boys ages 15-19 shows that boys who can talk more openly with both parents about their sexual health are more likely to see a doctor for preventive care.

This should send a strong message to all parents about the health of their teen sons. Prevention of sexually transmitted diseases is all about acting responsibly. And where do teen boys learn about sexual responsibility? From both fathers and mothers.

The study also showed that boys with stereotypes about masculinity promoted thinking that seeking medical care is a sign of weakness, and that those types of beliefs could be a risk factor in and of themselves.

Talking with your teen about sexuality can be one of the most difficult things a parent of a teenager can face. It’s not easy, particularly if your own parents had difficulty talking to you about the subject.

But think about how much you love your son, and about how you’d feel if something happened to him that you could have helped prevent by talking with him. Both fathers and mothers should talk with their sons about sexuality and how to protect themselves. Boys can gain very different perspectives on sexual relationships from their fathers and mothers. Those different perspectives are very important to good and safe sexual relationships.

Do you, or have you, talked with your teenage son about sexual health? I’d love to know how you dealt with it, and how it worked out for you and your son.

teen boys, teenage boys, sons, teenage sons, parents, parenting, parenting boys, parenting teens, parenting teenagers

Thanks to Char over at Weary Parent for pointing me toward this story. Awhile back, I posted on the HPV vaccine and the controversy over whether it should be required for tween and teen girls.

Now, the folks at Connect with Kids have posted a story: Should Boys Get the HPV Vaccine?

HPV (human papilloma virus) is a sexually transmitted infection, which is the cause for cervical cancer. Because of this, the Centers for Disease Control have recommended that girls ages 9-26 get the new vaccine. But, wait a minute… HPV also causes cancer in men, even though it’s less common. In males, the virus can cause penile and anal cancer (and genital warts), as men get older. The HPV vaccine can protect males from these. And it can also help protect girls, who get HPV from their male sexual partners.

So far, the FDA has approved the vaccine only for girls, although studies are being conducted on its use for boys. However, some doctors already give the vaccine to young male patients. “I think it’s extremely safe. I prescribe a lot of it in my practice and no one has had any adverse side effects that I know about,” says Dr. Scott Parry of Intown Primary Care in Atlanta.

What about you parents of tweens and teens? Do you feel your sons should get this vaccination as well as your daughters, when it is approved for boys by the FDA? Chime in and let me know how you feel!

HPV, human papilloma virus, HPV vaccine, Weary Parent, Connect with Kids, parenting teens, parenting teenagers

Teenage Boys! Surviving & Enjoying These Extraordinary Years

If you have a teenage son, this is a highly recommended book. If you have a younger son, get it now and be prepared!

Author Willaim Beausay wrote this book as the father of two teenage sons, and as a clinical psychotherapist. He has wonderful activities and suggestions for being involved in your teenage son’s life in a positive way. And Beausay doesn’t stick to the ordinary. He has some very “in-your-face” methods for becoming involved. There’s also a wonderful section with answers to some of the most frequently asked questions on parenting teen boys.

Beausay is a Christian author and parts of the book contain references to the Bible and Christian principles. However, the techniques he suggests for communication and being involved are useful in all families, no matter what your religious views. I’ve used some of the suggestions in this book in teaching parenting classes, and other parenting groups have used them as well.

If you’re looking for a good book to help you deal with your teenage son, you can’t go wrong with this one!

teens, teenagers, teenage boys, parenting, parenting classes, William Beausay

“For a boy to reach adulthood feeling that he knows his father, his father
must allow his emotions to be visible-hardly an easy task when most
males grow up being either subtly or openly taught that this is not
acceptable behavior. A father must teach his son that masculinity and
feelings can go hand in hand.”

Kyle D. Pruett, professor and child psychiatrist, in The Nurturing Father(Warner Books, 1987). After 20 years, this quote is still timely and, in the case of many men, still a difficult thing to do, especially with teens.

This book is still an exceptionally good, and highly recommended, book for fathers to read. Pruett based this book on his findings in a five-year study of 17 two-parent families, in which the father was the primary caregiver. This book is highly supportive of fathers and talks about the ways in which fathers can and should share their emotions with their children. It was Pruett’s conclusion in this book(and most of us will agree) that father’s nurture well, but differently.

As a father, how do you feel you relate to your teenage son? How your own father related to you will, no doubt, be a large factor. Although men showing emotion has become more acceptable, it is often still not easy to incorporate this into parenting, especially when your sons become teenagers.

To a large number of men, there is still something almost taboo about showing emotion, even occasionally. Men must be strong and unyielding-providers and protectors. However, letting your teenage son know that showing his emotions is okay is especially important during the teen years.

Teenage boys too often suppress their feelings, which can lead to depression and behavior problems. Teen boys need outlets for their emotions, and who better to give them an outlet than their fathers. Let your teenage son know that it is acceptable to you to cry when he’s unhappy, to vent when he’s angry, to show his happiness when he’s feeling good.

Often, it is not easy to model this type of behavior for your teen son, especially if your own father did not model it for you. Reading The Nurturing Father can be a good beginning to helping your teenage son toward a more healthy outlook-and to being a good father to his own children one day.

fathers, sons, teenage sons, father-son relationships, teen emotions