Parenting Teens

…join em! And let them laugh at you while they win.

Yes, I’m talking about video games, as well as MMO gaming on the internet. When’s the last time you played with your teenagers? A while back, Nik Yee over at Incredible Internet surveyed 300+ parents who do exactly that, play onlin games with their kids so that they have a better idea about what’s going on, and how to parent their children in regards to online activities. He has talked with teens and parents over the past year about the experiences and created a podcast to talk about his findings.

Basically - those who play with their kids, have a much better idea of what is really going on. As Parents, we often tend to automatically veto any activity we aren’t sure about. We tend to say no before we even know all the details - and how better to get the details then to jump in and play? Sure, your kids might think your spying on them, but give them the joy of beating you a couple times as you flounder around trying to figure out HOW DO I JUMP OMG QUIT HITTING ME and laugh along with them, and soon they’ll a- be teaching you the ropes, b - be telling your friends that your hopelessly dorky, but in a kinda cool way and c - know that you care enough to be involved, and to help them make the right choices along the way. He’s even got a contract to sign between parents and children that can help all sides feel better about internet use and gaming.

So check out the podcast below, the website as well and get involved with your kids! Who knows, maybe you’ll get good enough to beat THEM!

So, we’ve talked a little about social media, Myspace in particular, and your teens here before, and I realize that not everyone has the kind of relationship with their teenagers (or tweens) that I do, and are a bit uncomfortable with opening up the discussions on how to be safe while online with your kids. No judgment here, it is what it is! Sometimes those little mini-clone buggers of ours can be near impossible to talk to, what with the rolling of the eyes and the “OH MAH GAWD MOM!” and “I KNOW ALREADY” and such that they tend to pop off with - sometimes ya feel you need a suit of armor just to find out what they might like for dinner. It’s ok, I’m there with ya.

Knowing this, when Ami hit me up and asked if I’d do an article on their site, NSTeens.org, I agreed at once. And then waited a couple days until after the finale of Big Brother because omg so much work and also GO RENEGADES! - but hey! I’m here now! (grin)

Anyway, NSTeens is a valuable site that will help open up those conversations with fun, colorful cartoons and good sense, giving you the opening through the piercing ‘I hate everything you stand for’ glare, when talking to your tween and teens about how much information is too much, and how to ensure that they are safe online. NSTeens also covers the issue of Cyber-bullying, which is on the rise, because threatening or bullying someone in 156 characters or less makes you the Big Idiot On Campus.

So check out NSTeens, on your own, and then most certainly with your tween/teenager! We all know common sense isn’t all that common when it comes to our kids, so why not use everything available to help them think before they post something possibly damaging?

That’s what I figured - so check it out today!

*Images Provided by the NetSmartz Workshop at the National Center for Missing & Exploited Children, www.NSTeens.org.

So, my comment in answer to a question on the last Myspace Post became, well, a whole ‘nother post, so I thought I’d move it here, in case someone else had the same type of question, and would benefit from seeing the answer.

Avrum Nadigel said:

Parent’s have asked me how to ensure their kids aren’t creating alternative identities at their friend’s place… internet cafes, etc.

Any advice?

The other issue is that, regardless of prep, parents can’t control how other teens use their child’s info. It’s truly the Wild West out there.

My advice is what it always is - TALK to the kids. It’s hard to start now if they haven’t built a foundation already, but it’s better to start now then not at all, you know? Also, know your kids’ friends. Know their parents. And check THEIR profiles on occasion too. I’m lucky in that my kids’ friends all seem to like me alright, they call me mom, and my house -closest to their school- is the local gathering spot for their group. I make an effort to Scare get to know each of the newcomers that show up, make them feel welcome, and let them know that it wasn’t so long ago that I was a teenager (They swear I’ve the mind of a 16 year old boy, anyway!) and I know, remember, and understand.

Kids are going to rebel. BEFORE that happens, we need to have already gotten into their heads that they CAN come to us and talk. If you haven’t already, it’s going to be a rocky process, but that’s better then discovering your kids doing naked body shots at a bar downtown with a fake id in their back pocket - discovered because pictures are on their myspace profile.

It’s also important to TRUST your kids. You’ve spent all this time raising them, do you doubt you’ve done a good job? Have the kids given you reason to fret, or are you just driving yourself mad with ‘what if…’ scenarios just for kicks? We have to let them stretch their wings sometime. We have to trust that they’ve listened when it’s important.

If they abuse that trust, that’s another scenario all together… the minute they do, all bets are off.

As for what other kids do - we can’t control that. We really can’t. So working ourselves into a tizzy about it only drives us more insane and causes us more ulcers. Know your kids friends. Hell, know their enemies. Listen when they talk - to you, to their buddies in front of you. If we stop yelling and panicking long enough to HEAR what they’re saying, we’ll all be in a better position to protect them when they need it.

It’s one of those hotbutton issues - do you myspace? Do you let you kids myspace? What about facebook? or whatever other Social Networks are out there where evil predators could lurk and steal your preshush beebees innocence? And more importantly - do YOU know what they’re doing while online?

The rules at my house were simple - no computers with internet access in their rooms until they could prove to me they’d behave. We started with little things - club penguin for the youngest, Disney Channel online, Cartoon Network, those kind of things. Then, the inevitable question came. “Mom, can I get a myspace?”

Note that my kids ASKED me first. I know that not many kids ask their parents, or feel they need too, but my kids knew better. Because they asked, it also allowed me to set down guidelines for them too.

I set up the accounts for them, just as I had set up their email addresses before. The rules were the same - you can change the password, but if I ask, you give it up freely, or I shut it down. And then I added them to my friends list, which lets me keep track if I want to as well.

Now, I’m not a super snoopy mom. I don’t check their accounts obsessively, I don’t even flip over to their profile more then once a month or so. But they know that I CAN. At any point in time I CAN. I find that fear of mom is a much better motivator then my actually having to invade their privacy. As I’ve told them often -if you act like my eyeballs are carried around a chain around your neck, and that I CAN SEE EVERYTHING, then you won’t do anything you don’t want me to see, right? (It helps that they’re a little gullible too - like the time I convinced them a friend of mine could spy on their computer activities via AIM. THAT one was golden! To this day they still think J. could tell what they were doing online while I was on vacation!)

I find that my kids and their friends don’t mind my being a Myspace Mom, all told. In fact, I’m one of the highest priced pets in the “By your friends as pets” war, and have been passed around to all their friends as everyone tries to ‘own’ me. I always wanted to be the cool mom, and it seems that I’ve achieved that goal in style!

So while some teens treat this kind of joining by parents as an intrusion, I think the important issue here is how you’ve talked to your kids about the whole internet Social Media deal. Are your guidelines reasonable? Are you giving them the room to spread their wings, do you trust that you’ve taught them enough to fly? It’s hard to balance the protectiveness with letting go, but it’s exactly what we have to do.

It all starts by talking to your kids. Start early, but if you haven’t - the time to start is now.