Parenting Teens

Got your attention there, didn’t I?

Good Morning America got the same reaction recently as they showed a segment talking about that and young girls passing out sexual favors like candy for gifts or money, and sliding into the realm or prostitution etc. Oh, and the “prettiest girls from the most successful families are the most at risk.” Naturally, it’s shock journalism at it’s best, but that isn’t to say that it’s not happening - otherwise there wouldn’t have been a story at all.

While many of the parents who watched this are now flipping out in shock all over the internets, I think the most telling part of this story is to read the comments that have been left on over at ABC.com. In between all of the Bible Thumpers blaming the devil and the general “Godless Living In America” and flailing about in a moral panic, are some interesting comments from those who are still teens, and who remember their teenage years without viewing them through parental outrage.

Some of the comments that jumped out at me were the parents that admitted to a lot of free lovin in the 60s, others who point out that the age group of the story included 18-19 year olds as “teens” and those “teens” are actually adults, and some of them are even married, and participating in sexual activities with their spouse.

But the most telling is one of the girls who was featured in the segment itself - and she denied doing anything for money, but doing it because she wanted too. And most important thing brought up is the fact that parents don’t talk to their teens about sex!

Say it with me now - ya’ll know my mantra here at PTB: TALK TO YOUR KIDS!

Look, it’s simple. It’s not rocket science. We were all teenagers once, and sex is not something dirty to be swept under the rug. Curiosity is normal, and shoving abstinence down a teenagers throat while ignoring everything else is going to make it a “forbidden fruit” and if you remember ANYTHING about being a teenager - that fruit tastes sweetest.

You want your kids to make smart choices? Then give them the information and tools they nee to have to do so. Don’t sit on the couch with your jaw dropped and shock written all over your face when you hear what’s going on. This has nothing to do with bible thumping, nothing to do with a godless America, nothing to do with a lack of morals. It has everything to do with human sexuality, puberty, and the joy of sex.

So don’t make it into what it’s not. Get up off your high horse and TALK TO YOUR KIDS. Give them the information they need. Be honest about your own experiences because if you’re preaching ‘virgin at marriage’ you damn well had better kept it in your pants until you walked down the aisle. Look your kid straight in the eyes and admit that you lost your virginity while a teen - or not. It wasn’t the best experience - or it rocked your socks off. Be honest about if you were ready or not, and how you felt emotionally about waiting or not. Let them know that oral sex is still sex (after all, it says it in the name!) and talk to them about petting, making out, oral sex, sexual intercourse and how each made you feel from an emotional point of view. Were you ready? Were you scared? Were you pressured? Did you stand firm and wait? How did it make you FEEL emotionally?

Moms, talk to your SONS about how a girl feels.
Dads, talk to your DAUGHTERS about how a boy thinks.

Be HONEST.

Your kids aren’t stupid. Stop treating them like they are.

This entry is BOUND to offend some folks. I’ve warned you before that “normal” and I only bear a passing resemblance. I am not a soccer mom, I’m much more open with my kids than some think wise, and I pride myself in being offensive in many situations. So - if your a prude and the logo to the left offends you, ya might wanna skip this one. We’ll wait while you exit in an orderly fashion.

(insert hold music here)

Alrighty - they’re gone! For the rest of you? It’s time to talk SEX, BABY! What do you mean “again”? This time, it’s not me though, this time it’s all about the Midwest Teen Sex Show.

The Midwest Teen Sex Show is not sex education exactly - but it is “a space for frank discussion of all things related to teen sexuality.” They like to call it sex information, rather than sex education. They present the information in educational and entertaining ways - with insight and a lot of laughter. They’re not promoting teen sex, but they admit the same thing I do - it’s gonna happen. Sooner or later, it will, and it’s MUCH better to have information on all things sexual before making that leap into bed.

And yes, they include a disclaimer, that MTSS is intended for teens and adults, and if your under 18 get permission from your parents, etc.

Here’s the thing though - it’s funny. And educational. And tackles ALL the issues - including fetishes/kinks (Who’s your 16th president!), Prom (Prom babies cry just as loud!), condoms, boobs, hookups, HPV, Orgasms, the Penis, breakups, oral sex, porn, and more. Yes. THERE’S MORE.

I had never heard of this site before and it was VERY much my loss. Last night in a chat, a gal sent me the link (THANKS MYSTIC!), and I’ve been giggling ever since! Granted, I have the mind of a teenage boy, and this site is bound to offend some parents, but trust me when I say - your teens? Will LOVE it. They’ll want to lick it. Hump it. Have little MTSS babies with it.

Case in point, I called over Peppermist the minute she got home from school, and gave her a choice of videos to watch. We educated ourselves on the Vagina, Boobies (BEWBS!) and The Penis. And we giggled - we outright laughed - we smacked our foreheads in “Oh. eM. Gee!!” a couple of times. But, she learned stuff too. I asked her afterwards if she’d watch more, and she gave it a double thumbs up - and bookmarked it.

So - if you’re a little shy about giving info and talking with your kids but admit teens generally have wacked out senses of humor, or if you’re like me and have the mind of a 16 year old boy - check out The Midwest Teen Sex Show. Sex is funny. (And serious too. But mostly funny.)

PS - as I was writing this, it was announced that the MTSS is coming to a TV near you! Comedy Central has announced that it will be added to their lineup for 2009-10! My kids? are THRILLED!

We talk about sex a lot in our house. I’ve have two teenagers and have never been squeamish about giving detailed descriptions and scarring my kids for life. “You were conceived not as you wish to believe, through immaculate conception, but through sex. FAT PEOPLE SEX.” I’m also the one who gave all the teenagers STD’s for Christmas.

I know, I know, not a “normal” mom, am I? However, for us and our sick sense of humor, it’s clearly working, as my 17 year old and my 14 year old are both virgins still. Which means I’ll let them live a little longer. I’m nice like that.

Thing is, though, I’ve never been one to preach the abstinence trail, other than as an afterthought. My main point to my kids is that I want them to wait until they’re READY, and to be ready and willing to make a mature and responsible decision when they believe they are. The up side to those conversations is that it covers the fact that yes, abstinence is realistic - for a time. And that time is dictated by the teenager themselves, not anyone else.

Bristol Palin’s comment about it not being realistic sparked a lot of comments in the blogasphere. The internets were buzzing, and us Alaskans were once again forced into the limelight. No biggy to me, really. I voted for the other guy - and have a habit of not giving a damn what other people think of me. Anyway, it’s the reactions that have me shaking my head - because honey, there is a lot of victim blaming going on…

For instance, over at Adventures in Parenting, they broach this subject matter in praise of those who have made the choice to wait. Good job teens! I respect that decisions - what I don’t respect, however, is her take on teens that may not go that way. It’s not that she finds it impossible, but that she blames the way the girl is DRESSED, the fact they might see a romantic movie, and then go to a house where no one is home, rather then go on a group date, dress modestly, and play board games with their parents while eating snacks lovingly provided by said parental units.

I’d bet my left arm she’s the mother of a boy.

You see, this is where it starts. This is where you start blaming the girl in the short skirt for getting herself raped, the girl with piercings and funky hair for getting stabbed in the park - who cares that she’s a straight a student, that she doesn’t do drugs, that she is by all accounts A Good Girl who didn’t deserve to be victimized - especially by the media, by the perpetrator’s parents because their preshush baby boy would never THINK of that if her skirt had been ankle length, and matched her turtleneck while they were surrounded by parents and friends, by her friends or by random strangers on the internets.

It makes me angry - VERY angry. So much so that I waited over a week before I wrote this entry, and I’m STILL angry. NOthing there speaks of how the boys might be dressed - thugged out and with bling everywhere or suit and tie, or that sometimes it’s nice to NOT have to drag around all your friends on a date - or that even surrounded by your friends and/or family it is entirely possibly to get your freak on anyway.

No, the blame is on the girls low-rise jeans and tight blouses, the movie industry, and an empty house.

Do I want my daughter dressing like a hoochie mama? No. If she were into style and fashion (she’s a jeans and loose t-shirt kinda girl), I’d do the responsible thing and we’d talk and shop together and find compromises that pleased us both, and remained fashionable. I have little room to talk, after all, since I grew up in the Big Hair Era, with skin tight leggings and oversized shirts cinched with a belt and boys that collected scrunchies from girls they made out with. The point is - I’d talk to her about it, and about what message she wants to send, because she will have no control over how that message is interpreted.

It’s time to put the blame where it belongs - parents who don’t give a shit enough to talk honestly to their kids about sex and teach them to take responsibility for their own actions. It’s time to sit down and TALK TO YOUR KIDS, and quit being so squeamish that you resort to shoving abstinence down their throat as the only option - because if you don’t, don’t be surprised when your Good Little Girl comes up pregnant - like the pastor’s kid from across the street who had her first child a month after she turned 16.

Stop being scared of your kids and the tough talks about realistic subjects, and stop placing blame where it doesn’t belong. Your kids WILL have sex, eventually, whether it be at 14 or 21 or 40, either armed with realistic expectations and information, or not.

Which option do you prefer?

You hear it all the time - hell, I’ve said it more then once myself - when stories like Rihanna and Chris Brown hit the newstands, or any other situations of abuse… especially when the victim returns to their abuser as Rihanna has recently gone back to Brown. We’d never do that, never allow it to happen to us, we can’t believe she went back, etc. Thing is, that’s a very slippery slope that leads to Victim Blaming - if only she’d done this or that, it wouldn’t have happened, and that my friends is a line of pure bullshit.

First, we don’t know the whole story, we only know what’s been reported. I saw the picture that was being posted, and know that there are investigations currently going on, but the facts are that Brown has not been charged as of yet, and even in this is innocent until proven guilty. Do I think he did it? Absolutely. And I hope they can prove it. So why did she go back to him?

There’s a lot of reasons that a woman would go back to an abuser. My mom works in the local shelter here in town, and has written a post worth reading that includes a list of some of those reasons. While the financial reasons and some of the others do not fit Rihanna’s profile, perhaps there are others. She’s a singer, a star, but that does not mean she doesn’t have self esteem issues, or other factors that went into her returning.

It takes an average of SEVEN TIMES before a victim will leave their abuser - that means some leave the first time, others take many more times hen the 7 to decide they’ve had enough. All we can do now is hope that Rihanna is safe, and that her support system is firmly in place so that this doesn’t happen again.

What does that mean to us as parents of teenagers? It means that we need to use this situation to open up conversations with our teens about the dangers of both physical and psychological abuse. Talk to your kids about the code of conduct you expect them to live by, and open the lines of communication so that they feel comfortable coming to you if something does happen. Alert them to the signs, so that they can be aware of the signals in their own relationships, as well as that of their friends. But as I preach over and over again - just talk to them.

My husband suffered a childhood of horrendous abuse, and was living proof that as broken as he often felt, the cycle of violence could be destroyed and stopped within him. It didn’t make our life easy, but it certainly made us aware, and we’ve raised our kids to be aware of the signs and to have the strength to stand up to an abuser. We’ve given them the tools - and pray that they never need them. Most of all, the kids know they can come talk to me about ANYTHING.

So use this, use the situation with Rihanna and Chris Brown not to condemn the story we only currently know pieces of, and not to blame the victim - but instead to teach our kids the signs, to be sure they’re aware, and to make sure the lines of communication are open. We may never know the full story of what happened between them, but we CAN make sure we have a say in the stories our children will write with their relationships.

If your worried about your teen, here are some signs of abuse in a dating relationship, as well as some statistics. Educate yourself, so that you can educate your kids.

Mama always said that she was a ‘baby that had a baby’ when she got pregnant with me a mere WEEK after her wedding to Papa. She and I still look like sisters (I’m the YOUNGER one, dammit!), and we often joke that we grew up together, because, well, we did. Ok - so SHE grew up, and the jury is still out on me, but close enough. And for the record, Mama was 20 when she had me, and I was still a ‘baby’ when I had The Boy at 22.

So tell me, what in the blue blazes of all things unholy is a TWELVE year old doing sleeping with a FIFTEEN year old in her parent’s house, and fathering a child at THIRTEEN?

I’m sure all of you have heard about Alfie by now, but in case you haven’t - it goes like this. That baby-faced boy who’s voice hasn’t even changed is the father of that baby. And it gets worse, as now two other boys (ages 14 and 16) have stepped up claim possible paternity of the 15 year old Chantelle’s baby Maisie. As bad as that is, it’s not what chaps my considerable behind about it all - no, what does that is this: Chantelle’s mother, apparently, told her to keep quiet about the other boys in order to ensure they got paid for the story.

Well then! That’s the way to exploit the kids! While the whole story is disturbing, it’s the actions of the parents in question that is really awful. What mother in their right mind allows their 15 year old to have multiple sleep overs in her room, let alone with multiple boys? And Alfie’s parents are probably summed up best in this quote by Alphie’s Dad:

“When I spoke to Alfie, he started crying,” said Patten. “He said it was the first time he’d had sex, that he didn’t know what he was doing and the complications that could come. I will talk to him again and it will be the birds and the bees talk. Some may say it’s too late, but he needs to understand so there is not another baby.”

The NEXT conversation will include the birds and the bees? Pardon me while I bang my head on my desk. Daddy’s no angel, either, as he’s got multiple kids from many different women, and apparently a 13 year old girl who gave birth a couple years ago as well. And don’t even get me started on his wearing a Halloween mask and putting a sign on his car with info where to call his publicist while he’s at the hospital visiting his new granddaughter! Father of the year material, right up there with Chantelle’s mother who’s money grubbing for the rights to the story.

You know, in my town? Chantelle would be in jail for statutory rape because of the age difference. The child, CHILD, was TWELVE!

TWELVE.
I’m speechless.
(mostly!)

I understand that kids have sex. I’ve preached safe sex to my kids (all still virgins, thank you very much!) since they showed the first hint of hormone hell. I understand that it’s not an easy topic to bring up, and it can be embarrassing for both the parents and the teens.

But answer me this - wouldn’t you rather talk about Condom Man and Lucy Lubricant, than explain to your 12 year old that his in the dark fumbling mean he’s now responsible for another life for the rest of his life?

Yeah. Me too.

So, in my many many hours that I spent bopping around the internets, I come across some pretty interesting sites sometimes, and this one is no different. I don’t even remember how I got there, but in one of my random link-clicking sprees, I happened upon PlanetAhead.ca, which caused me to instantly ask the question “is that a CONDOM he’s using for a CAPE?” And then I giggled. Because I am 12.

Anyway! It’s actually a pretty cool site, and yes, that is a condom he’s wearing as a cape, because the super heroes in that banner are named Condom Man and Lucy Lubricant. (Admit it - you’re giggling now, too!) The site is designed as a safe place for kids, teens and tweens, to ask and get answers to the questions hey might not feel comfortable talking to mom and dad about - everything from puberty to STDs, to the physical, and emotional risk of becoming sexually active. The answers are honest, and often include encouragement to talk to a trusted adult and/or a physician. The team at Planet Ahead -Condomania is a diverse group, including members of different ethnic, national backgrounds, and sexuality. This gives them a broad range of ‘experts’ to help give kids the kind of answers they are hoping for - honest ones.

Sure, it may make some parents uncomfortable, but knowledge almost never backfires. After all, we KNOW kids will eventually have sex - don’t we owe it to them to give them the correct tools to process their feelings and desires into healthy relationships? So check out the site today, and maybe sneak it onto your kids favorites list, or point it out in a more obvious “READ THIS” way, depending on how open you are with your kids and your own comfort level. There’s a LOT of good info there, and it’ll open doors to open and frank discussion with your kids.

Just don’t forget those all important four words that I start every sex talk with in my house… “I WILL KILL YOU!” followed by “…but if you must, know this…”

Because, you know, I’m cool like that.

We talk about sex around here. A lot. Mostly because I’m as bad as the kids and have the mind of a 16 year old boy, but whatever. Some folks think I’m nuts for the way we talk and joke and laugh about the “sensitive subject” but I just counter with the fact that at least MY kids ARE TALKING. Not only that, they’re talking to ME, and trust that I can give them the information they need, or at least point them in the right direction. And well, the teenagers - they are FUNNY.

Take today, this instance. It seems it’s time for the 9th graders in health class to dive into the Sex Ed sections of their book. Yay! The girl came home today, and crowed in mock excitement that covers the real ‘omg’ness of having sex ed:

The Girl: GUESS WHAT WE LEARNED?
Me: About SEX!
The Girl: Yes. Today? Today was Boy Parts!
Me: ooooh. ye olde Dangly Bits Chapter!
The Girl: Yup, and guess what we’re learning TOMORROW
Me: Where they PUT THEM!
The Girl: Wait, what? They put them in their pants! This is SEX ed, not FASHION!
Me: (collapses in laughter)

See? How can you NOT love these random conversations?! In fact, I’ve decided that for Christmas, I’m going to give each of the teenagers in my house an Sexually Transmitted Disease for Christmas. No, I’m not kidding. Wait, come back! I don’t mean LITERALLY! I mean in Giant Microbe Style. Check them out:

That’s Mono, Herpes and Chlamydia. Aren’t they cute? (Yes, I’m aware that Mono is different - but LOOK at it! It’s so CUTE! And it’s the Kissing Disease!) And hey -if it helps the teenagers laugh, as well as makes them THINK when they see an STD just sitting on their bed, then I’m all for it! Besides, how many times do you get to tell people you’re giving your teenagers the Kissing Disease, and/or STDs for Christmas and have it be a GOOD thing? It’s one hell of a conversation opener, for sure!

I receive a lot of searches that deal with teenage sexuality, promiscuity, etc. both from the straight and gay point of view – the latter usually involving questions about coming out to friends and family. As such, I asked a friend of mine if he’d tell us his story, in his own words. Danny is 18 years old, out and proud. He runs Big-Brother-Fan.com, and the Big Brother Interactive game – if you’re a fan of the show (and you know I am) be sure to pop over there and tell Danny I sent you!

Thank you, Danny, for taking the time to tell us your story! Hopefully it will find someone who needs to hear it, and give them that much more strength to come out on their own.
~L

Coming out. It’s one of the biggest trivial problems that gay folk deal with. Will my parents hate me? Will I lose friends? Will I be physically harmed? While this may sound extreme, it’s not. I’m going to take you down the road of the gay lifestyle, and specifically - coming out.

When I was around 8 years of age, I truly understood that I was ‘different’. I knew that I wasn’t like all the other boys who thought girls were ‘cute’. I enjoyed watching wrestling a little too much, and I played around with a few of my friends at the age of 10. I understood and embraced the fact that I was a homosexual from an early age, and have never been ashamed of what I am. Nor should anyone else. No one can tell you who or who you cannot love. Anyways…

Around the age of 10, I was taken from my mother due to her extreme drug issues. I moved in with my Stepfather in Florida (from Maine). I spent a few years in turmoil, visiting my mother only on occasion and wondering if she was ever going to stop with her drug abuse. At the age of 12 I realized that she could end up dying at any point, and if she did I wouldn’t have told her everything about me. I decided that the next time she called, I was going to tell her.

When she did finally call, 2 months later, I chickened out. I know, why be afraid? But I was also 12 years old. I finally admitted to her four calls later that I was indeed a homosexual. My mother took this to heart, which disturbed me. My mother has always loved me, and she sounded disgusted to be talking to her son, a young man who liked other men. I just couldn’t understand, not in the slightest bit.

Finally after a year of awkwardness, my mother got over her issues with my lifestyle. Mainly, because she didn’t have a choice - she was a crackhead… and certainly not in a position to judge others.

Coming out to my mother was the easiest. My birth father? Not so much. When he found out, he blew a gasket - punched me in the face - physically threw me out of his house - and never spoke to me again. That is a day I don’t particularly like to relive, and no matter what I have done to try and continue contact with him - it won’t work. He doesn’t like gays, like many others in the United States.

In fact four States have so much hate towards gays they have joined the 17 others who have ‘re-defined’ marriage as the union of ONE man and ONE woman. California has gone as far as to TAKE away the marital rights that they gave gays, and potentially annul 18,000 gay marriages. It’s pathetic how hateful this world, this country can truly be.

We’re swaying from the topic now though, aren’t we? Anyways. I have three main rules that I try to explain to coming-outers:

— Be who you are.
— Don’t be afraid.
— Rely on your friends/family for support.

If you follow these rules, your coming out should be a breeze. Don’t let others bully you around, and if they try? Kick their asses. Be who you are, don’t let anyone tell you what YOU feel. Finally, rely on your friends and family for support. Some may disapprove of your “decision”, but a majority of your friends/family will still support you - and use that support to move forward and become stronger.

B and C might not be so pleased to have made the blog this time - but it’s really too funny not to share! Again, neither B nor C are actually kids I’ve given birth too, but are ‘mine’ none-the-less. They’re both 18, and currently couch surfing at my place most of the time. Yay me! Good thing they’re relatively good girls, they’ve just gone through some bad stuff the past years, and are trying to pull out of it all. I’m happy to help in anyway I can - even if it’s just lending them a couch and a safe haven.

I’ve always been one to foster open and honest conversations about sex and all related sexual type activities, which has resulted in them not really asking me questions, but kinda hinting around sometimes, and then finally opening the talk. I feel special, because they DO talk to me about it, and well, statistics say that only about 19% of kids have someone they can trust to speak about sexual topics with - of course, I think of those 19%, about 11% of them frequent my house.

Lucky Me.

Anyway, as I was saying, there are open and honest conversations around here. We’ve tackled the hypothetical questions:

B: So. mom. HYPOTHETICALLY SPEAKING. If one were to go off her birth control, could they HYPOTHETICALLY SPEAKING maybe get pregnant so soon? And if so, MY FRIEND would like to know if HYPOTHETICALLY SPEAKING, eating everything in sight might be a symptom and OMG pass the chips, please!
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY SPEAKING it won’t matter after I kill you. Dead. Like with a rock or something.

I know, I’m all about being sensitive and stuff.

During this HYPOTHETICAL conversation, I pointed out that I keep condoms in the kitchen window basket, just to avoid needing these types of conversations.

B: OMG mom. I’d be so embarrassed to go into the kitchen and be all just grabbin a condom mom - it’d be mortifying!
Me: and these hypothetical conversations arent?
B: True..
Me: Child, you are in my kitchen 18 times a day getting something to eat. I can’t see you from where I sit at the desk. How could I possibly tell the difference between cup o’noodle packaging, and the condom box opening?
B: …you have a point.
Me: Remember that point. AND WRAP IT.
B: Yes ma’am.

See? Sensitivity is my middle name. Or is it sacrasm? Smartass? Something like that. Anyway, along with such hypothetical questions, there are the ever amusing overheard conversations that go like this:

B: I need to get my HPV Vac shot soon.
C: I have to go to the public health too - get tested again.
B: Yeah, we can go together.
C: You can hold my hand when they take my blood because OMG needles freak me out and I FLIPPED last time.
— Please note, this is the one who let the other one pierce her belly button with a sewing needle. Just sayin’.

B: What? You just have to pee in a cup for that one! Chlamydia and Gonorrhea are pee tests, it’s the others you have to give blood.
— Yes, I know, I think she’s incorrect on the Chlamydia test, but let’s go with it for now..

C: Alright! Pee tests I can do!
B: I mean, want me to hold your hand while you Pee? I can do that if ya want me too.
C: Oh. Yeah. That’d be helpful. Not.
— sarcasm is a fine art with these two. *L*

Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAH! That convo is SO making the blog!
B and C: MOOOOOOOM!

And you’d think it would end there. But no. There’s still the matter of the HYPOTHETICALLY NEEDED EPT. Which I went to purchase today. Now, I went this afternoon, because the girls, B and C were both home, and all the boys were not. Naturally, by the time I GOT home, another girl was here, and so was my son. Whoops. So I try to keep it on the downlow. I search for the right bag - and CAN’T FIND THE TEST. I search again.

The Pup: Whatcha lookin for?
Me: Feminine type items. Don’t ask. You’re too young to be a Feminine.
The Pup: Ok!

Still can’t find them. I call the store to see if they are still at the check stand, no go. The girls are like frantic. I’m chuckling. We look again.

The Pup: HEY! Is THESE it? (She holds up the EPT and box of condoms proudly.)
Me: Yup! Thanks kiddo. I’ll take it back to the girls.
The Pup: I know what one of them IS mom!
Me: What? (I didn’t hear her. I didn’t mean for her to TELL me..)
The Pup - as loud as she always is - crowed delightedly: A PREGNANCY TEST!

You could have heard a PIN DROP. Then the laughter hit. Oh. My. Gawd. We all busted up laughing, as I went back and tossed the EPT to a MORTIFIED girl, followed by the box of condoms for her personal stash. I am positive that she’ll think twice about NOT using the condoms next time, if only to avoid the embarrassment of the 9 year old calling her out on her deeds… For the record, the test was negative. But as they left to go off to a friends house, I got a very bemused and chagrined and laughter filled..

B: Way to keep things on the downlow, mom. Keep working on that, huh?

Then they swiped a box of frozen pizza, some chips, a soda, and left for the evening.

Admit it. You TOTALLY wish you lived at MY house, now, don’t you?

Teenage Pregnancy directly related to Teenagers Having Sex!

INORITE?

Sounds ridiculous, I know. I meant it too. Thing is, the new study that relates the rise in teen pregnancy to watching racier shows on television is almost as absurd. I hate studies like this, because they declare one single thing to be the root of the problem, but neglect all the other extenuating circumstances. They call the research “groundbreaking” and use words like “Suggests” and “link” and whatever. People grab onto this, Helicopter parents especially, and suddenly the FDC is pulling the plug on some of the best shows in television, and our kids suddenly have even MORE free time to have loud rowdy sex in their cars, since they’re not rushing home for Pushing Daisies, or Grey’s Anatomy.

So I’m being a little flippant about it all, clearly, because that is what I do. My actual point is that the problem with such studies, is that they don’t take into consideration a lot of other circumstances. The basic premise is, of course, that “Shows that highlight only the positive aspects of sexual behavior without the risks can lead teens to have unprotected sex before they’re ready to make responsible and informed decisions.”

The results state that pregnancy was twice as common among those who watched shows like Sex and the City, That 70s Show, and Friends, and suggest that it’s connected even with other factors considered, like grades, famly structure and parents’ education level - but not other important factors self-esteem, family values and income. I’m not the only one crying foul:

Still, U.S. teen pregnancies were on a 15-year decline until a 3 percent rise in 2006, the latest data available. Experts think that could be just be a statistical blip.

And Albert noted that the downward trend occurred as TV shows were becoming more sexualized, confirming that “it’s not the only influence.”

Do I think the media has an impact? Probably - but bottom line, I think the most impact comes from us parents, rather then outside influences. Did we teach them how to deal with such things throuhout their life so that they have a good foundation when they become teenagers? Do we have open and frank discussions with our teens? Do we stay involved in their lives on multiple levels so that they have the strength of our backup when they need to make such an important decision?

A more disturbing statistic is data that suggests only about 19% of teens feel they have an adult they can trust enough to talk about sex. So be there for your kids, your teens. THese talks should begin long before they need the information, if there’s going to be any hope of their making wise decisions!

We hear it all the time from teenagers around the world. “Do we HAVE too?” It usually has to do something with trying to get out of spending time with the family, getting along with the siblings, sitting down at the dinner table to eat as a cohesive family unit. Sometimes we feel bad if we force the kids to do these family activities, but new studies suggest we certainly should not feel bad, and should continue to make the effort to have ‘family time’!

Reuters even goes so far as to suggest a connection between family dinner and sex.

…family dinners at THEIR house must be a much less boring affair, huh?

Just kidding, of course. The general premise of the study talked about in the article is that when we spend more time with our kids, either at the dinner table or in some other familial activities, we’re instilling in our kids a maturity and ability to make better decisions in all areas, including when to have sex. The study didn’t measure the risk factors of such sexual encounters, just the general number of time the teenagers indulged during the study.

Here’s what they found:

However, having a parent who used “negative and psychologically controlling” behavior increased the likelihood that a teen would be having risky sex. This includes “criticizing the ideas of the adolescents, controlling and directing what they think and how they feel,” Coley explained.

“Negative and psychologically controlling parenting behaviors may inhibit adolescents’ development of self-efficacy and identity, interfere with mature and responsible decision making skills, and affect the development of healthy relationships, in turn leading to an elevated likelihood of engaging in risky behaviors,” the researchers suggest.

On the other hand, they add, family activities are “centrally important supports for children, providing opportunities for emotional warmth, communication, and transmission of values and beliefs.”

The findings make it clear, Coley said, that “what parents do with their adolescents really matters.”

Me and the kids, we’ve never been ones to sit around a dinner table, though we all generally eat at the same time and in the same room. Close enough, I suppose, even if it’s noshing on greasy pizza while watching The Biggest Loser on TV. (…what? *g*) I’m a lot more involved with my kids throughout the day though, than a lot of parents have the ability to be. We talk a LOT throughout the day, and my kids call me often just to check in and say hi.. tell me where they are, who they’re with, and tease me that they’re having wild sex parties without inviting me.

Harumph.

I think the most important thing is that I talk TO my kids, not DOWN to my kids. It’s not so much the time and place and variety of feasting going on, so much as the time itself. I make sure my kids know they can tell me anything, I accept them for all their foibles and mishaps and mistakes and arguments just as easily as I do for the times they are shining examples of humanity that glow with innocent joy, health and wellbeing.

Yeah, there’s a lot more of the first rather then the second, but that’s exactly why it’s important to make those connections throughout the day. Whether it’s to check on what time The Boy has to work, and how his day at school went, or to nag The Girl to make sure she turns in her homework and laugh with her and her friends about stupid jokes, or to tease The Girl’s best friend, MK, about dating The Boy, or even stringing my youngest up by her toes and poking her with carrots until she agrees to behave - it’s all in those moments of connection. Every conversation, no matter how brief, means one thing:

I care.

And when the kids know we care what happens to them, what they’re doing, and what kind of person they are becoming, they’re less likely to engage in risky behavior before their ready.

So hug your kids today. Talk to them about school. Laugh at the stupid jokes, tease them about the girls, the boys, the dorky things they do. Check on their homework, but without the militant pressure, make time to see their concerts, plays, games. Make it a point to get to know who they’re dating, terrifying they’re girlfriends/boyfriends. Tease them. Laugh with them. Love them. It will make a difference, I promise you.

….of the American Teenager. My daughter (14) is OBSESSED with this show. Ok, maybe not obsessed with Johnny Depp level obsessed, but obsessed none the less. She hasn’t missed an episode and also makes me DVR them for her BFF who’s been out of town. I must confess, I haven’t missed an episode either - and not just because she watches each of them several times. (Wait! Come back! I’ll explain! Maybe…)

I find myself oddly charmed by the whole cheese factor of the show. And it is VERY cheesy! It boasts family values, while dishing on teenage issues with extreme stereotypical character types. I mean, do we even have ‘homes for girls in that… predicament’ any longer? And each teenager is the extreme example of their stereotype - from the Christian Cheerleader, to the High School Jock, to the nerdy guy, the cool drummer, the slutty baton twirler, and the nosy gossipy friends.

The cheese factor is saved though by the lead, Shailene Woodley’s ability to let her emotions filter across her face. She can turn on the waterworks in ways my kids WISH they could, because it ups the sympathy factor.

The uber-Christian Cheerleader cracks me up, mostly because I went to a small Christian School and I’m pretty sure I met several versions of her during those years. Of course, the other cheerleaders were much like the baton twirler who adores sex. And if we’re being completely honest here (and when aren’t I?) I was a cheerleader too for a year. But I was neither extreme, and leaned more towards the innocent side, thank you very much. (Stop laughing!)

While I applaud the premise of the show, it’s done what we expected and drawn controversy due to their extreme pro-life standing, even as they discuss the possibilities of abortion and the like. Parents are upset that Amy turned to her friends first, but any parent of a teen knows that was one of the more realistic portions - no teen goes to their mom first. They go to their friends.

The most realistic part of the show is how fast the story got around the school. Unrealistic is expecting us to believe the time frame - just HOW pregnant IS Amy? One minute she’s showing already, the next she’s not so much, and they’re talking about abortion after she’s already showing and even skinny folks don’t start showing until 4-5 months which is second trimester and treading that fine line of yes it can happen and no it cant? However, the show did deliver one of the Best Lines Ever!

Amy: “I mean, it was only a couple of seconds, I’m not sure it really WAS sex, at least, until THIS happened…”

Best. Line. Ever.

Anyway, the little PSA at the end about talking to your kids is an important one - even if it, too, is cheesy as hell. I’ve never had much problem talking to my teenagers about sex and the consequences thereof. No, really! The conversation goes like this:

Me: (Singing, of course) Let’s talk about SEX baby… let’s talk about you and NO ONE ELSE EVER!
Teenagers: (Much rolling of eyes.)
Me: Alright. The first four words of EVERY conversation on this subject are….
Teenagers: (Rolling eyes, counting them off, mouthing along with me…)
Me: I WILL KILL YOU. Right. Rule number two about Fight Club?
Teenagers: oh GAWD mom. Seriously.
Me: RULE NUMBER TWO!
Teenagers: (Singsong) Condoms are not water balloons.
Me: And they are…
Teenagers: Above the kitchen sink in the basket.
Me: Because?
Teenagers: It drives Nana nuts.
Me: Um. uh. yeah, that too - but the OTHER reason?
Teenagers: (singsong) You’d rather have them there and not needed then needed and not there.
Me: And finally?
Teenagers: You keep count. We know. Can we go now?

Sure, we had the serious conversations first, I’m not completely insane. (What did I say about that laughing?) We don’t have to have them repeatedly though, and the above mostly happens in front of their friends. Because I’m the ‘cool mom’ and love to embarrass my kids - and the house rules apply to everyone, even friends. Also, I found out a long, long time ago that lessons taught with humor stick longer then lessons taught too large a dose of seriousness.

Mostly, I’m too young to be a grandma, heck - I’m too young to have two kids in high school! So I’d rather they think now, and know to protect themselves, before the petting gets to heavy and they forget to think at all. If watching The Secret Life of the American Teenager helps aid them in that thought process? I’m all for it, cheese factor be damned.

Have you been following the controversy over nude pictures of 18-year-old “High School Musical” star Vanessa Hudgens? Seems nude photos of her have been leaked on the internet. Miss Hudgens has apologized for the photos, saying the following:

I want to apologize to my fans, whose support and trust means the world to me. I am embarrassed over this situation, and regret having ever taken these photos. I am thankful for the support of my family and friends.

What’s been interesting to read are some of the comments made about Miss Hudgens and the photos. Over at iVillage, the comments have run gamut from “She’s 18 years old, and these photos were done in private, so get over it!” to “Her career with Disney is over.” One of my favorite comments gave the opinion that “the world is not such an innocent place any more.”

What would your feelings as a parent be if a friend of your teen had nude photos on the internet? What if your own teen did? Personally, if my almost-17-year-old daughter has to apologize for nude pictures of her appearing on the web when she’s 18, it better be one “heck” of an apology!

It’s true that the world is not such an innocent place any more. I don’t necessarily think that’s a good thing. And I firmly believe that, whether or not they are considered legal adults, not all 18-year-olds are capable of making good decisions. These are the same 18-year-olds that are calling us from college because they need money, or they need mom to do their laundry next week! They’re having trouble with their coursework, and they need tutoring. We worry whether or not they’re living on pizza and cheeseburgers and never eating a green vegetable!

Sure, some of them are more mature than others. And if you think your daughter is capable of handling the kind of attention that comes with published nude photos of herself, and you’re okay with that-that’s up to you. Personally, I’m going to be here mourning that “more innocent” world we have lost-just for a little while!

teens, teenagers, Vanessa Hudgens, High School Musical, teen behavior, parenting, parenting teens, parenting teenagers

The House debates today on funding for abstinence education programs, according to the San Francisco Chronicle. Abstinence programs across the country, such as Virginity Rules received their first cut in financing since 2001, this past June. So far, $176 million in funding has survived, up to the debates today. Will that funding be cut further?

There are some 700 abstinence education programs across the country. Eleven state health departments rejected abstinence education this year, while three states passed laws that could affect abstinence education in schools. This past spring, a comprehensive study of abstinence education programs found no sign that it delays sexual activity among teens. According to this article, however, teens are abstaining from sex more, and using contraceptives when they do not abstain.

Through a combination of less sex and more contraception, pregnancy and birth rates among American teenagers as a whole have been falling since about 1991. Texas, however, has seen the smallest decline despite receiving almost $17 million to promote abstinence.

I, personally, have no problem with abstinence being taught. However, I do believe that it should be taught alongside use of contraceptives, and other alternatives. How do you readers feel? Do you think abstinence education works, and should it be funded by the federal government?

teens, teenagers, abstinence, abstinence education, teen abstinence, sex education, teen sex education, parenting, parenting teens, parenting teenagers

Do you suspect that your teenager might be in an abusive relationship? Abusive relationships can take many forms, and do not necessarily involve physical abuse. A fairly new website, Love Is Respect, provides resources for teenagers, parents, friends, etc., about abusive aspects of relationships. They are also a helpline, accessible via internet or telephone. The phone number is 1-866-331-9474.

The following is a quiz they offer to see if your relationship might be abusive:

Does your boyfriend/girlfriend:

Look at you or act in ways that scare you?

Act jealous or possessive?

Put you down or criticize you?

Try to control where you go, what you wear or what you do?

Text or IM you excessively?

Blame you for the hurtful things they say and do?

Threaten to kill or hurt you or themselves if you leave them?

Try to stop you from seeing or talking to friends and family?

Try to force you to have sex before you’re ready?

Do they hit, slap, push or kick you?

This is excellent information for your teenager to have. Share the website and phone number with them. Urge them to look over the information, and to use the website or phone number if they need help. With abusive relationships on the rise, both teens and parents can use all the information and resources they can get.

abuse, abusive relationships, boyfriends, girlfriends, relationships, Love Is Respect, teens, teenagers, parenting teens, parenting teenagers