Parenting Teens

We hear it all the time from teenagers around the world. “Do we HAVE too?” It usually has to do something with trying to get out of spending time with the family, getting along with the siblings, sitting down at the dinner table to eat as a cohesive family unit. Sometimes we feel bad if we force the kids to do these family activities, but new studies suggest we certainly should not feel bad, and should continue to make the effort to have ‘family time’!

Reuters even goes so far as to suggest a connection between family dinner and sex.

…family dinners at THEIR house must be a much less boring affair, huh?

Just kidding, of course. The general premise of the study talked about in the article is that when we spend more time with our kids, either at the dinner table or in some other familial activities, we’re instilling in our kids a maturity and ability to make better decisions in all areas, including when to have sex. The study didn’t measure the risk factors of such sexual encounters, just the general number of time the teenagers indulged during the study.

Here’s what they found:

However, having a parent who used “negative and psychologically controlling” behavior increased the likelihood that a teen would be having risky sex. This includes “criticizing the ideas of the adolescents, controlling and directing what they think and how they feel,” Coley explained.

“Negative and psychologically controlling parenting behaviors may inhibit adolescents’ development of self-efficacy and identity, interfere with mature and responsible decision making skills, and affect the development of healthy relationships, in turn leading to an elevated likelihood of engaging in risky behaviors,” the researchers suggest.

On the other hand, they add, family activities are “centrally important supports for children, providing opportunities for emotional warmth, communication, and transmission of values and beliefs.”

The findings make it clear, Coley said, that “what parents do with their adolescents really matters.”

Me and the kids, we’ve never been ones to sit around a dinner table, though we all generally eat at the same time and in the same room. Close enough, I suppose, even if it’s noshing on greasy pizza while watching The Biggest Loser on TV. (…what? *g*) I’m a lot more involved with my kids throughout the day though, than a lot of parents have the ability to be. We talk a LOT throughout the day, and my kids call me often just to check in and say hi.. tell me where they are, who they’re with, and tease me that they’re having wild sex parties without inviting me.

Harumph.

I think the most important thing is that I talk TO my kids, not DOWN to my kids. It’s not so much the time and place and variety of feasting going on, so much as the time itself. I make sure my kids know they can tell me anything, I accept them for all their foibles and mishaps and mistakes and arguments just as easily as I do for the times they are shining examples of humanity that glow with innocent joy, health and wellbeing.

Yeah, there’s a lot more of the first rather then the second, but that’s exactly why it’s important to make those connections throughout the day. Whether it’s to check on what time The Boy has to work, and how his day at school went, or to nag The Girl to make sure she turns in her homework and laugh with her and her friends about stupid jokes, or to tease The Girl’s best friend, MK, about dating The Boy, or even stringing my youngest up by her toes and poking her with carrots until she agrees to behave - it’s all in those moments of connection. Every conversation, no matter how brief, means one thing:

I care.

And when the kids know we care what happens to them, what they’re doing, and what kind of person they are becoming, they’re less likely to engage in risky behavior before their ready.

So hug your kids today. Talk to them about school. Laugh at the stupid jokes, tease them about the girls, the boys, the dorky things they do. Check on their homework, but without the militant pressure, make time to see their concerts, plays, games. Make it a point to get to know who they’re dating, terrifying they’re girlfriends/boyfriends. Tease them. Laugh with them. Love them. It will make a difference, I promise you.

….of the American Teenager. My daughter (14) is OBSESSED with this show. Ok, maybe not obsessed with Johnny Depp level obsessed, but obsessed none the less. She hasn’t missed an episode and also makes me DVR them for her BFF who’s been out of town. I must confess, I haven’t missed an episode either - and not just because she watches each of them several times. (Wait! Come back! I’ll explain! Maybe…)

I find myself oddly charmed by the whole cheese factor of the show. And it is VERY cheesy! It boasts family values, while dishing on teenage issues with extreme stereotypical character types. I mean, do we even have ‘homes for girls in that… predicament’ any longer? And each teenager is the extreme example of their stereotype - from the Christian Cheerleader, to the High School Jock, to the nerdy guy, the cool drummer, the slutty baton twirler, and the nosy gossipy friends.

The cheese factor is saved though by the lead, Shailene Woodley’s ability to let her emotions filter across her face. She can turn on the waterworks in ways my kids WISH they could, because it ups the sympathy factor.

The uber-Christian Cheerleader cracks me up, mostly because I went to a small Christian School and I’m pretty sure I met several versions of her during those years. Of course, the other cheerleaders were much like the baton twirler who adores sex. And if we’re being completely honest here (and when aren’t I?) I was a cheerleader too for a year. But I was neither extreme, and leaned more towards the innocent side, thank you very much. (Stop laughing!)

While I applaud the premise of the show, it’s done what we expected and drawn controversy due to their extreme pro-life standing, even as they discuss the possibilities of abortion and the like. Parents are upset that Amy turned to her friends first, but any parent of a teen knows that was one of the more realistic portions - no teen goes to their mom first. They go to their friends.

The most realistic part of the show is how fast the story got around the school. Unrealistic is expecting us to believe the time frame - just HOW pregnant IS Amy? One minute she’s showing already, the next she’s not so much, and they’re talking about abortion after she’s already showing and even skinny folks don’t start showing until 4-5 months which is second trimester and treading that fine line of yes it can happen and no it cant? However, the show did deliver one of the Best Lines Ever!

Amy: “I mean, it was only a couple of seconds, I’m not sure it really WAS sex, at least, until THIS happened…”

Best. Line. Ever.

Anyway, the little PSA at the end about talking to your kids is an important one - even if it, too, is cheesy as hell. I’ve never had much problem talking to my teenagers about sex and the consequences thereof. No, really! The conversation goes like this:

Me: (Singing, of course) Let’s talk about SEX baby… let’s talk about you and NO ONE ELSE EVER!
Teenagers: (Much rolling of eyes.)
Me: Alright. The first four words of EVERY conversation on this subject are….
Teenagers: (Rolling eyes, counting them off, mouthing along with me…)
Me: I WILL KILL YOU. Right. Rule number two about Fight Club?
Teenagers: oh GAWD mom. Seriously.
Me: RULE NUMBER TWO!
Teenagers: (Singsong) Condoms are not water balloons.
Me: And they are…
Teenagers: Above the kitchen sink in the basket.
Me: Because?
Teenagers: It drives Nana nuts.
Me: Um. uh. yeah, that too - but the OTHER reason?
Teenagers: (singsong) You’d rather have them there and not needed then needed and not there.
Me: And finally?
Teenagers: You keep count. We know. Can we go now?

Sure, we had the serious conversations first, I’m not completely insane. (What did I say about that laughing?) We don’t have to have them repeatedly though, and the above mostly happens in front of their friends. Because I’m the ‘cool mom’ and love to embarrass my kids - and the house rules apply to everyone, even friends. Also, I found out a long, long time ago that lessons taught with humor stick longer then lessons taught too large a dose of seriousness.

Mostly, I’m too young to be a grandma, heck - I’m too young to have two kids in high school! So I’d rather they think now, and know to protect themselves, before the petting gets to heavy and they forget to think at all. If watching The Secret Life of the American Teenager helps aid them in that thought process? I’m all for it, cheese factor be damned.

Have you been following the controversy over nude pictures of 18-year-old “High School Musical” star Vanessa Hudgens? Seems nude photos of her have been leaked on the internet. Miss Hudgens has apologized for the photos, saying the following:

I want to apologize to my fans, whose support and trust means the world to me. I am embarrassed over this situation, and regret having ever taken these photos. I am thankful for the support of my family and friends.

What’s been interesting to read are some of the comments made about Miss Hudgens and the photos. Over at iVillage, the comments have run gamut from “She’s 18 years old, and these photos were done in private, so get over it!” to “Her career with Disney is over.” One of my favorite comments gave the opinion that “the world is not such an innocent place any more.”

What would your feelings as a parent be if a friend of your teen had nude photos on the internet? What if your own teen did? Personally, if my almost-17-year-old daughter has to apologize for nude pictures of her appearing on the web when she’s 18, it better be one “heck” of an apology!

It’s true that the world is not such an innocent place any more. I don’t necessarily think that’s a good thing. And I firmly believe that, whether or not they are considered legal adults, not all 18-year-olds are capable of making good decisions. These are the same 18-year-olds that are calling us from college because they need money, or they need mom to do their laundry next week! They’re having trouble with their coursework, and they need tutoring. We worry whether or not they’re living on pizza and cheeseburgers and never eating a green vegetable!

Sure, some of them are more mature than others. And if you think your daughter is capable of handling the kind of attention that comes with published nude photos of herself, and you’re okay with that-that’s up to you. Personally, I’m going to be here mourning that “more innocent” world we have lost-just for a little while!

teens, teenagers, Vanessa Hudgens, High School Musical, teen behavior, parenting, parenting teens, parenting teenagers

The House debates today on funding for abstinence education programs, according to the San Francisco Chronicle. Abstinence programs across the country, such as Virginity Rules received their first cut in financing since 2001, this past June. So far, $176 million in funding has survived, up to the debates today. Will that funding be cut further?

There are some 700 abstinence education programs across the country. Eleven state health departments rejected abstinence education this year, while three states passed laws that could affect abstinence education in schools. This past spring, a comprehensive study of abstinence education programs found no sign that it delays sexual activity among teens. According to this article, however, teens are abstaining from sex more, and using contraceptives when they do not abstain.

Through a combination of less sex and more contraception, pregnancy and birth rates among American teenagers as a whole have been falling since about 1991. Texas, however, has seen the smallest decline despite receiving almost $17 million to promote abstinence.

I, personally, have no problem with abstinence being taught. However, I do believe that it should be taught alongside use of contraceptives, and other alternatives. How do you readers feel? Do you think abstinence education works, and should it be funded by the federal government?

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Do you suspect that your teenager might be in an abusive relationship? Abusive relationships can take many forms, and do not necessarily involve physical abuse. A fairly new website, Love Is Respect, provides resources for teenagers, parents, friends, etc., about abusive aspects of relationships. They are also a helpline, accessible via internet or telephone. The phone number is 1-866-331-9474.

The following is a quiz they offer to see if your relationship might be abusive:

Does your boyfriend/girlfriend:

Look at you or act in ways that scare you?

Act jealous or possessive?

Put you down or criticize you?

Try to control where you go, what you wear or what you do?

Text or IM you excessively?

Blame you for the hurtful things they say and do?

Threaten to kill or hurt you or themselves if you leave them?

Try to stop you from seeing or talking to friends and family?

Try to force you to have sex before you’re ready?

Do they hit, slap, push or kick you?

This is excellent information for your teenager to have. Share the website and phone number with them. Urge them to look over the information, and to use the website or phone number if they need help. With abusive relationships on the rise, both teens and parents can use all the information and resources they can get.

abuse, abusive relationships, boyfriends, girlfriends, relationships, Love Is Respect, teens, teenagers, parenting teens, parenting teenagers

Yahoo News recently posted a story regarding a club in a Miami, Florida high school which promoted tolerance of gays: Judge: School’s gay rights club can meet. A U.S. District judge ruled that the school must grant the same priveleges to the Gay Straight Alliance that it grants to other school clubs, per federal law. Following is a quote from the article.

The
American Civil Liberties Union sued the Okeechobee school board in November on behalf of the high school’s Gay-Straight Alliance after school officials said the group was a “sex-based” organization that would violate its abstinence-only education policy.

Why is it that these people would see the word “gay” in the name of a club and automatically assume that this club violates an abstinence-only policy? We see this a lot. Apparently, people have the idea that “all the sex you can get” is an integral part of the definition of the word “gay”! Apparently, the club should have begun its message of promoting tolerance of gays with the school board!

By automatically making such assumptions and by attempting to deny such clubs the right to meet, we are expressing our ignorance and intolerance in a big way. As adults and parents, we are supposed to be setting a good example for our teenagers. This is not the way to do it.

Have any of you dealt with this issue in the schools your children attend? Please let me know about it!

gay, gay teens, gay teenagers, school clubs, parenting teens, parenting teenagers, Gay-Straight Alliance, ACLU, American Civil Liberties Union

Web MD has an interesting article concerning a study done by a Harvard graduate student, who analyzed data collected from approximately 15,000 teenagers. The teens were interviewed in 1995 and again in 1996. The title of the piece is Teen Virginity Pledges: Can They Work. According to the study, apparently not very well!

In the first survey, 13% of teens said they’d taken a virginity pledge. A year later, 53% of them said, “What pledge?”

Now, this could point to a need to conduct more studies on memory in teenagers! But I don’t think so! It sounds more like selective memory loss. Apparently, those teens who were already sexually active or had become sexually active were more likely to retract their virginity pledges.
The article goes on to talk about sex-education and religion, and the roles they play in how teenagers report sexual activity. The entire article is available at the above link. It’s a good read, so drop in.

However, I was more interested in getting some feedback from readers. As the parent of a teen, have you tried a virginity pledge with your son or daughter? What was the result? Do you think that a virginity pledge is something that teens would uphold? I’d like to know what other parents think of virginity pledges-whether you feel they’re a good thing, and why or why not?

parenting teens, parenting teenagers, teen sexuality, virginity pledges, WebMD, sexually active teenagers, teen sexual activity

Thanks to Char over at Weary Parent for pointing me toward this story. Awhile back, I posted on the HPV vaccine and the controversy over whether it should be required for tween and teen girls.

Now, the folks at Connect with Kids have posted a story: Should Boys Get the HPV Vaccine?

HPV (human papilloma virus) is a sexually transmitted infection, which is the cause for cervical cancer. Because of this, the Centers for Disease Control have recommended that girls ages 9-26 get the new vaccine. But, wait a minute… HPV also causes cancer in men, even though it’s less common. In males, the virus can cause penile and anal cancer (and genital warts), as men get older. The HPV vaccine can protect males from these. And it can also help protect girls, who get HPV from their male sexual partners.

So far, the FDA has approved the vaccine only for girls, although studies are being conducted on its use for boys. However, some doctors already give the vaccine to young male patients. “I think it’s extremely safe. I prescribe a lot of it in my practice and no one has had any adverse side effects that I know about,” says Dr. Scott Parry of Intown Primary Care in Atlanta.

What about you parents of tweens and teens? Do you feel your sons should get this vaccination as well as your daughters, when it is approved for boys by the FDA? Chime in and let me know how you feel!

HPV, human papilloma virus, HPV vaccine, Weary Parent, Connect with Kids, parenting teens, parenting teenagers

One of the questions currently making the rounds of Dear Abby is the following:

DEAR ABBY: I am a 17-year-old high school senior. Last summer I lost my virginity. Since then I have slept with six guys. Do you think my future husband will be seriously upset about it, even though he will probably have been out there more than I have?

I guess I want to know whether you think I have become free-spirited or just promiscuous. — POSSIBLY PROMISCUOUS IN MURFREESBORO, N.C.

DEAR POSSIBLY: What I think is less important than what YOU think is appropriate behavior. And if you were comfortable with what you have been doing, you wouldn’t have written me.

If you continue on this path, you are in for trouble. The first thing that comes to mind is whether or not you know how to protect yourself from an unplanned pregnancy or a sexually transmitted disease. If the answer is no, then you need to see a doctor or visit a Planned Parenthood clinic and learn about the real “facts of life.” These include being checked for any STD you might have already been exposed to.

In addition, you say that in the last seven or eight months you have slept with six different men. At the rate you’re going, in another six months that number could double, and by the time you are 25, the total could be close to 100. That is not what people refer to as “free-spirited.” It definitely is what they call promiscuous. So, please take a break from men for a while and think carefully about how casual sex could affect your future

I agree with Abby 100% on this one! Obviously, this girl is not comfortable with her own behavior, or she wouldn’t be questioning it.

What about your teens-both girls and boys? Have you talked with them about their sex lives lately? This goes for teens of legal age, as well as those who are underage. Are they sexually active? Are they comfortable with the way they are behaving, and with how they are expressing their sexuality?

This is an important issue, as it can affect the way they handle relationships for the rest of their lives. This type of issue can be very difficult to address, even with older teens, but find a way to do it. It can take away some of the constant worry you feel as a parent.

teen sexuality, teen relationship, teens and sex, parenting teens, parenting teenagers, Dear Abby, sexuality, sexual relationships

Exactly what is hooking up? Author and journalist Laura Sessions Stepp in her new book Unhooked
writes that hooking up “isn’t exactly anything.” It may “consist entirely of one kiss, or it can involve fondling, oral sex, anal sex, intercourse or any combination of those things. It can happen only once with a partner, several times during a week or over many months. … It can mean the start of something, the end of something, or the whole something.”

In this new book, Stepp (who also authored Our Last Best Shot: Guiding Our Children Through Early Adolescence) examines the cultural practice of “hooking up.” She does this by following three high school girls and six college women through a year of their lives, chronicling their sexual behavior.

None of these girls are women date, form long-term relationship or, actually, any serious relationship of any kind. Instead, they “hook up.” The partners in hooking up agree that there will be no commitment or feelings. According to Stepp, college women say that they are too obsessed with academic and career success to have time for a real relationship. High school girls say that lovey-dovey relationships are “yucky.” Stepp wonders (as do I and, in my opinion, any other parents who want their children to have a happy life) how these girls will learn to establish and sustain long-term, intimate relationships.

I want my daughter to, eventually, have a life partner, someone with whom she can share the rest of her life, not just the physical and sexual aspects. Of course, I know that there will be some number of shorter relationships before that happens, but if she engage only in “hooking up,” how would she find out what longer-term, committed relationships are like. Indeed, how would she find out anything about a man other than physical characteristics?

This book looks as though it will raise any number of questions. Did you practice any “hooking up” when you were younger? Would you want your daughter or son to engage in hook-ups exclusively, rather than having long-term, committed relationships? Do you think hooking up would be an acceptable behavior earlier on in life, if your son or daughter later developed longer, more intimate relationships?”

I’m dying to know what other parents out there with high school and college age kids think about this. Get back to me on this one, everyone!

Laura Sessions Stepp, Unhooked, hooking up, hook-ups, teens, sexual behavior, teenagers, parents, parenting

Practically everyone who has access to the Internet these days knows about Web MD. It’s one of the most, if not the most popular site for medical information. Recently, Web MD reported on a news study published by the journal Pediatrics on the emotional toll of teen sex.

In this study, all of the teens reported having vaginal and/or oral sex by spring of the 10th grade. It also reported that girls were three times as likely as boys to say they felt used as a result of having sex, and twice as likely to say they felt bad about themselves.

To me, this says we need to be talking more with our teens about sex. Not just about whether they should or shouldn’t be having sex, but about their feelings and emotions regarding themselves and their sexual activity. I’m not advocating telling your teen that it’s okay to go out and have sex any time they want. But if they are sexually active, we need to get over our moral outrage enough to talk with them about protecting themselves both physically and emotionally.

Talk to your teen about their emotional relationships and how sex can affect them. Tell them about your own early experiences with sex and how you felt about it. Yes, it can be difficult to get the words out-difficult to talk about something that most people feel is a very private matter. But remember, this is your child. If he or she isn’t worth doing something very difficult, then who is?

This goes for boys as well as girls. The longstanding double-standard in our society is that, while boys are looked up to for having sex, girls are seen as either “good girls” or “bad girls” depending on whether they are sexually active. While this standard is easing, it is still out there.

Talk to your teenager today about sex and its effect on their emotions. Let them know that you are there for them. If they are feeling bad about a sexual relationship, talk with them about the reasons for this. Did they have sex before they felt really ready? Did the sexual partner do or say something which made them feel this way? Whatever you do, don’t shy away from this subject. It is one which teens need to discuss. Some guidance, or just being able to talk with you about it, can make all the difference.

teens, teenagers, sex, teen sex, teen sexual activity, parents, parenting, Web MD, Pediatrics

Is your teenage daughter sexually active? Does she use contraceptives? It’s a difficult thing for parents of teen daughters to think about, but not thinking about it could turn out to be even more difficult-both for parents and daughters.

A study appearing in the January issue of The American Journal of Public Health suggests that 86% of the decline in teen pregnancy rates resulted from improved contraceptive use. The authors of the study, Dr. John Santelli and colleagues, concluded that the study raises serious questions about the value of the federal government’s funding of abstinence-only education programs that prohibit information about the benefits of condoms and contraception.

Personally, as the parent of a teenage daughter, I’ve long questioned the value of those programs. Yes, I’d prefer that my daughter not have sex without being in a serious relationship. But I’d prefer even more that she protect herself from unwanted pregnancy and sexually transmitted disease like HIV.

We cannot prevent our teens from having sex. It is a natural, normal part of being human. It will happen-with or without our consent or approval. Isn’t it more important that our teens be protected from pregnancy and disease than that our personal ideas of morality be upheld?

Have you talked with your daughter about sex, relationships and contraceptives? If not, do it right away. If she is sexually active, see to it that she has an examination by a gynecologist and has access to contraceptives. You can, and probably will, discuss your personal objections to her behavior many times. First, see to it that her life is protected.

teens, teenagers, parents, parenting, teen pregnancy, teenage pregnancy, teenage sexuality, American Journal of Public Health