Parenting Teens

The past week saw two more incidents involving school shootings or potential shootings by teenagers. On Wednesday in Cleveland, Ohio, 14-year-old Asa Coon shot two students and two teachers, before killing himself. Police are currently reviewing surveillance videos, trying to find out how the teenagers was able to enter SuccessTech Academy alternative school, while armed with two revolvers.

The teen also, apparently, had made threats the previous week, which went unheeded, along with other warning signs from the troubled boy. Asa Coon had been suspended the Monday before the shooting for a fight, but fellow students said that school personnel had not done anything about threats he had made the previous week to blow up the school and stab students. Rasheem Smith, 15, a classmate, said, “I told my friends in the class that he had a gun and stuff. We talked to the principal. She would try to get us all in the office, but it would always be too busy for it to happen.”

Asa’s older brother, Stephen Coon, 19, was arrested the day after the shooting for theft and parole violations. And an arrest warrant was issued for his mother, Lori Looney, for obstruction of justice, after she lied to police about the whereabouts of Stephen.

The second incident occurred in Philadelphia. There, police were able to prevent a planned attack at Plymouth Whitemarsh High School by another 14-year-old boy. The teenager had amassed an arsenal of including knives, swords, about 80 pellet guns-and a rifle bought for him by his mother. The mother, Michele Cossey, has been arrested and charged with providing a firearm to a minor, and contributing to the corruption of a minor.

Her teen son was arrested late Wednesday and told police he had been planning a “Columbine-type attack” on the high school. The boy’s parents had taken him out of middle school and homeschooled him for the past 18 months, because of bullying.

These are yet two more tragic and shameful incidents which plainly illustrate the ways in which we are failing our children. Failure to communicate with our teens, and failure to take action when signs of trouble or violence are seen has tragic consequences. Please stay in touch with what’s going on with your teenagers! If you see ANY signs of problems, take them seriously, and get help for your child. It can save grief and lives-including those of your teenager and yourself.

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As a social worker who once worked with juvenile populations, the term “troubled teen” troubles me! Troubled seems to be such a catch-all word. Teenagers can be troubled in so many different areas, making this a blanket term, which gives no vital information into what kinds of problems a teenager may be facing.

Having said that, I feel the teen in this brief article from the Atlanta Journal-Constitution really is troubled.

Henry County police said a Luella High School student who reported being stabbed this morning actually cut himself and faces possible charges.

Capt. Jason Bolton said the 16-year-old male is cooperating with detectives. Bolton said the teenager, who was not identified because of his age, could be charged with making a false report of a crime.

Police said the teenager arrived late to his first class of the day and told his teacher he’d been stabbed as he entered a portable classroom. The student was airlifted to Grady Memorial Hospital, where doctors determined the cuts were superficial and non life-threatening, police said.

The knife believed used in the incident was found on school grounds, Bolton said, but he declined to further identify it.

A teen must really need attention badly to do something like this. Now, I am not blaming his parents. Teens are not known for always readily talking about their problems to anyone, let alone their parents! But I have to wonder if no one-parents, teachers, friends-noticed that this teen was really upset in some way. Had there been difficult changes in his life? Was he teased and made fun of in school? Was he a loner who didn’t socialize with his peers or anyone else?

At least in this case, he did not turn his feelings onto someone else and stab fellow students or teachers. But I feel a very deep sorrow for this young man, and for his parents. He needs help, and I hope this is a wake-up call for his parents, teachers, and others around him to see that he gets it. I can’t help wondering how many other teens out there are in similar situations.

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Char over at Weary Parent has been nominated for a Grasshopper New Media Parents Hot Stuff of the Week award!

She received the much-deserved nomination for her post 13 Things We Need to Teach Our Teens, written back on April 19, just after the tragedy at Virginia Tech. Here’s an excerpt from her post:

1. You can’t always be first
2. You can’t always win
3. Not everything in life will be easy
4. How to deal with bullies, mean people and rude people
5. How to cope with the end of a relationship or break up
6. How to resolve a dispute with a teacher, boss or other superior
7. We all make mistakes and can learn from them
8. How to ask for help
9. Signs that a friend or loved one may be suffering (from an addiction, depression, etal)
10. How to make decisions by weighing pros and cons
11. Not all gratification can be instant - some things are worth the wait
12. Everyone has something to contribute to society - it just might take a little exploration
13. How to be a good friend

Make sure you go and read her entire post. She’s a great parent blogger! Also, make sure you go and vote for her! You can vote at: Hot Stuff: Vote For Your Favorites. Char’s one of the best!

Grasshopper New Media, blog awards, Weary Parent, parenting teens and ‘tweens, Virginia Tech, teen values, teenagers’ values, parenting teens, parenting teenagers

It’s almost that time. Time for the school year to end. Another school year, another year of your teen’s life at home gone by. Many teens will be graduating high school, and moving on to college or work-maybe both.

How much quality time have you spent with your teen lately? Have you spent any time doing something fun with your teenager? This is a subject I like to which I like to return periodically, because it can be so easy to let that time slip away. To take it for granted.

One of my daughter’s best friends is graduating high school this year, and will be leaving for college the first of September. She’ll be working over the summer, but her mom (who happens to be my best friend!) is making a few plans for them to do things together-things that will fit into everyone’s work schedule and be fun for them, too. It isn’t easy.

But, hey, doing things together doesn’t have to mean a lot of time at once, or even a lot of expense. Go to a nice restaurant and have a lunch special a few times while you talk! Go to a movie you’ll both enjoy-a matinee; they’re cheaper! Go visit some relatives you haven’t seen in a while.

Time with your teenager doesn’t have to be forced, or something that you both dread. It can be a fun and relaxing experience for both of you, if you find something you both can enjoy doing. And time is very precious.

Virginia Tech will be having it’s graduation soon, following the mass shootings of April 16. It’s students, faculty, and families are preparing for graduation, while still mourning the loss fellow classmates and teachers. It is a reminder to all of us that time spent with loved ones can be cut short. Use it wisely.

tags]teens, teenagers, graduation, school, time with teens, Virginia Tech, Virginia Tech graduation[/tags]

The King of horror himself (Stephen, that is) has spoken about the writings of Cho Seung-Hui, the 23-year-old student responsible for the mass shooting at Virginia Tech. Stephen King’s take on Cho’s writings is posted at Entertainment Weekly’s website, where he serves as a contributing editor on pop culture.

He is frank about the fact that, in this day and age, his own college writings would have raised flags. King also speaks about a one-time student of his who raised red flags for him . He is quick to point out, though, that, in his own case, he had none of the other signs which would have pointed to him as a possibly violent personality-he interacted with his peers, never stalked girls, etc.

The following quote from King seems to pretty well sum up his opinion on Cho’s writings and his violent state:

For most creative people, the imagination serves as an excretory channel for violence: We visualize what we will never actually do (James Patterson, for instance, a nice man who has all too often worked the street that my old friend George used to work). Cho doesn’t strike me as in the least creative, however. Dude was crazy. Dude was, in the memorable phrasing of Nikki Giovanni, ”just mean.” Essentially there’s no story here, except for a paranoid a–hole who went DEFCON-1. He may have been inspired by Columbine, but only because he was too dim to think up such a scenario on his own.

On the whole, I don’t think you can pick these guys out based on their work, unless you look for violence unenlivened by any real talent.

I’ll be the first to admit that I am not unbiased where Stephen King is concerned. I discovered King in the ’70’s during my own teen years and have been a huge fan since then. I write horror stories myself, and have come up with some pretty gruesome storylines in my time. However, as someone who has also served as a social worker in the mental health field, I have to wholeheartedly agree with him here. The writings, on their own, do not mean that a person is violent. If so, many of today’s top novelists and writers would be in mental institutions!

So, if you have, or know of, a teen who reads and/or writes horror, don’t automatically assume that he/she has a mental problem! Look for other signs, such as isolation, anti-social behavior, etc. We all worry about our kids, but let’s not let that take over our lives.

[tags]Virginia Tech, Virginia tech shootings, Stephen King, Entertainment Weekly, Cho Seung-Hui, writing, parenting teens, parenting teenagers, teen writing, teenage writing[/tags[

Many of us are still in shock following the shootings at Virginia Tech two days ago. We see new pictures and hear new information, much of which is more frightening than before. And we feel grief for the victims and their families, even though we may not have known them. Unless we have lost a child ourselves, most of us can only imagine how these families must be feeling. And we fear for our own children now more than ever.

The most difficult part of this, for many of us, will be trying to explain this to our children. How do we explain something that we, ourselves, do not understand? How do we comfort and reassure children who may be frightened that something like this will happen in their own schools? There are no easy answers.
Explaining to teenagers may sometimes be more difficult than explanations to a younger child.

When discussing the shootings with your teen, it is best to be totally open and honest. After all, for most teens, many of the victims were only a few years older than they. If teens are worried about the possibility of such violence in their own school, acknowledge that, in today’s world, that is a possibility. Don’t tell them “It’ll never happen here.” Attempting to give them a false sense of security is something most teens will see through. As strong as the temptation may be, don’t do it.

Having acknowledged that it could happen, talk to them about the precautions that are taken to make sure that it doesn’t. If the school has metal detectors, security guards, etc., point these out to them. These precautions are not foolproof (as we saw), but in many situations they do help. Point out to your teen that, though these incidents are horrible and terrifying, they really do not happen often. That’s not saying “never”, just “rarely”.

Talk with your teenager about what they can do to protect themselves if such an event were to occur. Personally, I’ve told my daughter that, if she ever sees anyone with a gun or any other weapon at school, she is to report it immediately. I’ve also told her that, if she hears gunfire, she should immediately drop to the floor and stay there, not moving or even raising her head. In addition, one of the things that she and I have discussed is that she should notify someone if she feels any student or friend she knows is writing or talking about anything that threatens or condones violence. Teens will feel better knowing that, if a situation does come up, they are not helpless. There is something they can do to protect themselves.

Talk to your teens about doing something proactive. Virginia Tech has set up a memorial website to allow people to post tributes, memorials and condolences to family and friends of the victims. If your teen would like to post something there, share the site with them. Talk to them about putting together some sort of tribute at their own school-a display, a memorial, sending cards or letters to families, etc. Doing something proactive makes people feel better. If they feel there is something they can do-no matter how small-they will feel less helpless and frightened.

If your teen is so frightened or worried that they are refusing to go to school, or if they are so distracted by the recent happenings that they are unable to do homework, behave normally with friends, etc., you may need to contact their school counselor or another professional. School counselors will be happy to provide services individually or in groups for students who are having trouble dealing with this situation.

Give your teens all the love and reassurance that you can in these difficult times. They need your love and support more than ever.

Virginia Tech, Virginia Tech shooting, school violence, school safety, Virginia Tech memorial, parenting teens, parenting teenagers

This morning, our hearts go out to parents and other loved ones of those killed in yesterday’s Virginia Tech shootings. Once again, a school campus housing our children, many of them teenagers ha s been the scene of seemingly senseless violence. The deadliest shooting spree in U.S. history has occurred at a place where most parents feel their kids are relatively secure.

Information is still sparse, although one of the deceased students has been identified as Ryan Clark, of Augusta, Georgia. The gunman has been identified as Cho Seung-Hui, who was a senior in the English department. He lived on campus in another residence hall.

Already, questions are being posed by many people about why classes were not cancelled and security tightened after the shooting of the first two students, which occurred approximately two hours before the rest of the victims perished. The following is a quote from a student:

At this point, as we wait for more information, we can only offer our support, comfort and prayers to those who lost family members in this tragedy. Give your kids extra hugs and kisses today and, no matter what problems your feel they are causing, give thanks for them.

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It seems as though we hear about school shootings every day. This one was reported by the Chicago Sun-Times and took place at the Chicago Vocational Career Academy.

Apparently, a teen brought a 9mm Ruger to school and was playing with it in a classroom when the gun went off, going through the thigh of the student, and into the thigh of the student sitting next to him. The 15-year-old student who brought the gun panicked, ran outside bleeding and threw the gun away. He later led police to the gun. The student who brought the gun to school was treated and released. The other student is in stable condition.

According to the article, swiping in each morning is required at the school, and neither student had done so that day. The student who brought the gun had also missed an earlier class where attendance had been taken. One theory for how the gun got in is that someone opened an outside door for the student carrying the gun.

This makes the third shooting at the school this year. It is the system’s largest school, covering approximately a block. Teachers and students report that the school does not have enough security.

There have always been some students who thought of school as prison. Schools such as this one make it almost a reality. Never knowing when a violent incident will occur. Swiping in to school each morning. Metal detectors. One of the biggest problems at the school being that there is not enough security. Doesn’t this sound more like a prison than a school to you?

One of the things I always want to know in a case like this is-where were this student’s parents? How did a 15-year-old get his hands on a gun to take to school without his parents knowing?

As a social worker, I was often accused of being too rough on parents. But my position has always been that parents are responsible for their children. I will continue to hold that position. It is not the school’s job to see that teens do not bring guns to school. It is their parents’ and guardians’ responsibility.

Schools have enough problems educating our children. It should not be their responsibility to police them as well. It takes up resources that could, otherwise, be used for education. When will parents take back responsibility for their children?

school shootings, school violence, Chicago Sun-Times, Chicago, Chicago Vocational Career Academy, parental responsibility, parenting teens, parenting teenagers

Do you have any idea how prevalent drugs are in your teenager’s high school or middle school? Do you know what kinds of drugs are most popular among students? This came up for me when I recently heard about an undercover drug operation in a county adjacent to the one in which we live. Apparently, after a six-month ongoing investigation, 11 students at this particular school were arrested and had a total of 26 charges filed against them.

The police were invited to the school by the principal, who had received multiple complaints from parents, students and community members about the possibility of drugs in the school. The drugs involved were marijuana, cocaine, Xanax, methadone, and a variety of painkillers, including Soma, Vicodin, Lortab, and Percocet. Now, having been a social worker who has worked in both hospital and rehab settings, I recognized the names of all these drugs. There’s some heavy-duty stuff here! And most of it is prescription drugs, which I know are on the rise as far as drugs of choice.

After hearing about this school, I called my daughter’s school principal. I asked about reports of possible drug use or abuse in my daughter’s high school. He was extremely uncomfortable responding to my question and, though he admitted that he had had “some” complaints about possible drug use, he said he was “unable” to give me any idea how many reports there had been, and whether they had been investigated. I then proceeded to call the school superintendent’s office. I was handed over to the public relations officer who, basically, gave me the same non-information as the principal.

I finally called the local sheriff’s office. The officer who was directed to answer my questions made a not of the questions I had, promised to do some research and get back to me. After two days, I haven’t received a phone call or an email. I promised myself that I would give her a week and then call back. This lack of information bothers me to no end. I realize that the community wants to give the impresssion that things are going great in the schools, but when we are all willing to admit that there is a problem, I dislike being given the runaround.

For some USEFUL information on drugs among teenagers and in schools, you can go to Teen Drug Abuse. They have statistics, information on various drugs, and lots of other information. Try calling your school principal, school board’s office, etc., regarding drug use in your teen’s school. See if you are given any more concrete information than I was. I’d really like to hear about what kind of information you are given.

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This seems to be a timely subject, given the recent spate of school shootings which have occurred. As parents, we are all concerned with the safety of our children, regardless of their ages. Before the events at Columbine High School, most of us were not worried about this type of violence in our schools. Since then, especially recently, it sometimes feels as though we are only waiting to hear about the next time.

Fortunately, this type of violence, despite wide coverage by the media, is still very rare. However, even once is too much. Although some of those responsible for these shootings are adults (the Amish school in Pennsylvania, for one), many of these shootings have been perpetrated by teenagers, students-those who could have been our own kids, or could have injured our own kids.

Since the time of the Columbine shootings, one of my own most prevalent fears has been the fact that so many teens who might be capable of this type of behavior go unnoticed. My question has been “why did nobody notice that these kids had problems?” I know that people are busy. Parents, teachers, counselors. Everyone is overworked and has far too many things going on in their lives. However, to let problems with students go unnoticed is to invite these kinds of things.

Have you talked with your teen about school violence? About what actions they should take if such an incident were to happen in their school? About how they can protect themselves? One thing they can do is to report any unusual behavior that they notice among their fellow students.

The American Psychological Association (APA) has identified warning signs which might indicate that the possibility of violence exists. One thing we, as parents, can do is to talk with our teens about these signs and what actions they can take if they notice these signs in their fellow students.

The APA lists the following as immediate warning signs, meaning violence is a serious possibility.

*loss of temper on a daily basis
*frequent physical fighting
*significant vandalism or property damage
*increase in use of drugs or alcohol
*increase in risk-taking behavior
*detailed plans to commit acts of violence
*announcing threats or plans for hurting others
*enjoying hurting animals
*carrying a weapon

They list the following as signs which, if seen over a period of time, indicate a potential for violence.

*a history of violent or aggressive behavior
*serious drug or alcohol use
*gang membership or strong desire to be in a gang
*access to or fascination with weapons, especially guns
*threatening others regularly
*trouble controlling feelings like anger
*withdrawal from friends and usual activities
*feeling rejected or alone
*having been a victim of bullying
*poor school performance
*history of discipline problems or frequent run-ins with authority
*feeling constantly disrespected
*failing to acknowledge the feelings or rights of others

If your teen knows someone who is showing the warning signs of violence, they should do the following:

*Keep yourself safe. Don’t spend time alone with someone who exhibits the
warning signs of violence.
*If possible, without putting yourself in danger, remove the person from the
situation that’s setting them off.
*Tell someone you trust and respect about your concerns-family member,
teacher, counselor, school psychologist, coach, clergy member, school
resource officer or friend.
*If you are worried about being a victim of violence, get someone in authority to
protect you. Do not resort to violence or use a weapon to protect yourself.
*The key to really preventing violent behavior is asking an experienced
professional for help. The most important thing to remember is don’t go it
alone.

Talk with your teen about school violence in general and these indicators
and actions in particular. Emphasize to him/her that you are not attempting to
frighten, but rather to help them be prepared. In particular, emphasize that they are not” ratting out” friends or acquaintances but, rather, protecting themselves, other students, and the person who is exhibiting these types of behavior.

School violence can be a frightening topic of discussion for both parents and teens. As the parent of a teen myself, I know it was difficult for both myself and my daughter. If you need help discussing it with your teen, talk to a counselor, a school psychologist, or other mental health professional about the best ways to present such information to teenagers. Communicating about these subjects could make a big difference.