Parenting Teens

Oh I love my teens - all of them, even the ones I didn’t give birth too. They make me laugh each and every day! Just in the past 24 hours, for instance:

St: Mom, why did you need SO MANY lightbulbs?
Me: because they all go out at once - speaking of, mr. tall boy, would you take care of the entry way and porch light on your way out?
St: (rolls eyes) Yeaaaaaaah.

So they move over to the entry way light, and suddenly, we’re wondering just how many teenage boys it TAKES to change a lightbulb - because St? He’s the biggest and tallest of the bunch… and his fingers barely fit in the opening of the light fixture. Then when he went to pull the bulb out - after OH SO CAREFULLY unscrewing it with TWO fingers…

…his hand was stuck. STUCK. G and I just laughed, and then G went over to help catch the bulb so St. could put the new one in. Then, just before he was BLINDED, he thought to ask “Hey, is this on? AUUUUGH! BRIGHT!”

Answer: It takes at least TWO Teenage boys to change a lightbulb - and one Mom to laugh and take a sneaky picture.

G: Hey St.? how many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two! but no one knows how they got in there!
Me: hahahah!
St: …. (blank look)
Me: screw… not screw in the lightbulb, but SCREW… in th…
ST: OOOOOOOOOOOOH! HAHAHAH fuuuuuunny
Me: HAHAHAH! Oh. Em. Gee, boyo, oh. em. gee.

You’d think that it was Grandkids that made having kids worth it. I beg to differ. It’s TEENAGERS. I know, I’m likely the only person on earth who thinks so, but I don’t know what I’d do without my kids, making me laugh as often as they do.

Even via text message.

B: MOM! I gotta JOB!
Me: WHOOOO!
B: Which means after tomorrow I won’t ask you for money any more!
Me: WHOOHOOO! I’m so proud of you!
B: I love you!
Me: Love you too, kiddo.
B: So can I have the change outa your car for gas?
Me: …

Ya know, if it weren’t for these kids of mine and all their friends, eating me out of house and home, making me groan, making me laugh - this Mom gig would be flat out boring.

This goes straight to the “WTF?” file. The Dayton Daily News recently published an article about “needless hugging” and asked what teens would think of next - stating that this hugging was another faction on the endless campaign to confound their elders. By doing the unthinkable - and hugging their friends. I dug up the NY Times article they referenced, to find that yes, indeed, this hugging thing is becoming an epidemic.

Hugging.
Epidemic.

Now, I was raised in a family of easy contact - from hugging to the occasional slap on the behind, or punch on the arm, to the knock down drag out wrestling matches with my sister. (Don’t let her fool you - she was PERFECTLY WILLING!) We, predominantly Irish and HillBilly, were as easy with our affection as we were with our ire. I hug my children, a lot. My husband did too before he passed. We will stop anything to give a brief hug to our kids, whether it’s a long involved snuggle, or a quick squeeze in passing. And of course, we often add a poke in the side, a tickle, or an eyeball lick.

(…what?)

So this whole uproar about HUGGING seems absolutely ridiculous to me. My kids hug their friends, too. I mean, EVEN THE BOYS ARE DOING IT! At home, at school, there’s a whole lotta hugging going on, and while people like Noreen Hajinlian are banning “needless hugging” in their schools, I’m sitting here wondering what the heck the big deal is. Many schools have various bans on PDAs (Public Displays of Affection) but even the teens themselves admit this is not something sexual at all, it’s just a way of greeting between friends. Good Ole Noreen there says that’s not the case, because greeting happens before school, not between classes.

(…did ya hear my eyes roll? Did ya?)

So maybe the kids like to hug, because most of the rest of the time they’re only connected by the thumbs and texting - or maybe they’re just overly friendly. Some school officials and parents though, are worried:

• A parenting columnist for the Associated Press admits that she is baffled.

“It’s a wordless custom, from what I’ve observed,” she writes in her book, “13 is the new 18.” “And there doesn’t seem to be any other overt way in which they acknowledge each other. No hi, no smile, no wave, no high-five — just the hug.”

• Experts have been consulted to delve into what this threat of teenage hugging is all about.

“Without question, the boundaries of touch have changed in American culture,” declares a Virginia sociologist. “We display bodies more readily, there are fewer rules governing body touch and a lot more permissible access to other people’s bodies.”

• Attorneys are standing by to fight for the constitutional rights of students who might feel pressured by their peers into hugging. The day after the Times story was published, a legal Web site in Michigan warned that parents “should be alert to the potential downsides” of hugging.

• And school officials, naturally, are having trouble getting their arms around this latest form of teenage rebellion. Some have instituted a “three-second rule” to limit the length of a hug. A few years ago, in Bend, Ore, a middle school girl received detention for illegal hugging.

“Touching and physical contact is very dangerous territory,” notes the principal of a high school in New Jersey, where student — and, presumably, faculty — hugging was banned two years ago. “It was needless hugging — they are in the hallways before they go to class. It wasn’t a greeting. It was happening all day.”

So here’s my question to you - where do YOU stand on the whole hugging debate? Is it really a gateway to bigger and harder and more dangerous drugs? (…I mean sex, ya’ll. *L*) Or is it as harmless as it seems? Do you think kids will actually feel left out if they choose NOT to hug, any more than they have before? Are you a hugger or non-hugger yourself? Is this REALLY something we need to be obsessing over when there are so many OTHER things that can go wrong? Sound off in the comments below!

I’m the first to admit that when it comes to my kids? I got DAMN lucky. They’re mostly good kids, and I actually ENJOY hanging out with them, most of the time. I’d like to take all the credit, but I’m not sure if I can - I just know that as their Mother it’s my right to do so. Hee.

Life with PepperMist, my 14 year old, is a never ending session of snarky fun and laughter and many, many days where I just shake my head and wonder. As amusing as I like to think I am, I couldn’t have possibly been as funny as my middle child.

For instance - here’s a few of the conversations we’ve had lately:

PepperMist: Don’t throw that fork at me!
Me: (tosses - laughing) You’ve been FORKED!
PM: AHH!
Me: (tosses more) And Spooned! And CANNED! And you DESERVE it!
PM: No! It wasn’t me! (grabs an empty picture frame) I’ve been FRAMED!
Me: … you win.

PepperMist: So, I have this theory…
Me: Uh oh…
PM: They say you are what you eat, right?
Me: Sure…
PM: Well if THAT’s true, than aren’t we all cannibals?
Me: …wha?!
PM: Because I am a people, my friends are people, you I’m not so sure about, your an anomaly - but if to become a people we must eat people, by definition we are cannibals.
Me: … you win.

PepperMist: So, my teacher asked me today HOW to tell the difference between informal and formal speech. I told him it was easy.
Me: Oh? Do tell…
PM: (takes on a very bad British accent) If it makes you want to read like this, then, good sir, it is most obviously and positively Formal Speech!
Me: … absolutely.

Peppermist: (reading over my shoulder) Who’s Mindy?
Me: A friend.
PM: You haven’t mentioned her much yet, she must be a NEW imaginary friend!
Me: She wears a white coat, and is coming to take you away!
PM: to DISNEYLAND? the happiest place on EARTH?
Me: uh. no?
PM: WAIT! Is she a serial killer? because if she’s coming to take me away, I really don’t think I could go with someone that Kills Cereal. I love my fruit loops too much!
Me: …

PepperMist: My hatred of feet has risen to a new level!
Me: …oh?
PM: Yes. My Anti-Foot Fetish is so bad that I’m going to CONVERT TO THE METRIC SYSTEM!
Me: …

PepperMist: I have decided that I am a Zombie! BRAAAAAAAINS. I’m gonna eat your BRAAAAA…wait. Sorry, forgot about your “condition”
Me: Excuse me?
PM: (HEAVESIGH) Blond Brainlessness. Absolutely NO NUTRIENTS there.
Me: … Poor child. Just remember the Zombified apple does not fall far from the tree…

Me to Mindy: Not a court in the world would convict me.
Mindy: She’s a Zombie. You can’t get in trouble for killing the undead.
Me: GOOD POINT!
PepperMist: Noooooooooooooo! I’m meeeeeltinggggg!
Me: That’d be the wicked witch, not a zombie.
PepperMist: Oh, in that case, YOU’RE meeeeeeelllllllllltinnnnnng!
Me: …

Now, don’t you wish you lived at MY house?

Ever since my kids hit school age - or old enough to interact with their peers, their siblings, their cousins and were old enough to understand - I’ve tried to impart one very important lesson to my kids. It’s really very simple, though it’s a very important concept that a lot of kids never really pick up on. If I can make sure that my kids UNDERSTAND and BELIEVE this bit of wisdom, then I’ve done my job.

It’s deceptively simple.
It’s just this:

The ONLY thing that you can control, is YOU, and your reactions to other people and situations. Period.

Inorite? It’s something so simple, that it amazes me when the teenagers don’t understand it. There will always be people and situations that are upsetting, or hard to deal with. We can’t change other people - we can’t be the ones to fix them. All we can do is make sure that WE handle the situations that arise with patience, dignity, calm, and intelligence. We can’t control how other people react to anything, or how they treat us - only how we in turn react to them, how we treat them.

It’s deceptively simple, but also something very hard to put into practice. I should know, I’ve been working on it my entire life, and I still have problems sometimes. It’s a lifelong process, and why I started to work on it with my kids at such an early age.

And I’m not the only one that gives out this advise! I mentioned Hey, Josh once before, and still, Josh = Awesome! His most recent short film, 8:22, tackles the age old problem of “What do I do about my parents?!” It answers the question sent in by teens, whose relationships with their parents are awful, and asks what to do about it.

As always - there is some REALLY good advice in there. So don’t skim over the pretty youtube! Check it out - and send it to a friend, or family member who may need to hear it too.

I had to wait a full 24 hours before writing this one, as the first draft after the incident would have been full of words that would make a sailor blush and Mama hide her eyes and cringe. Now, at least I can speak without stuttering, and view things a little bit clearer. Though with the clarity comes a dark boiling fury that wants to leap free - I’m just in control of it now, whereas yesterday… oh my.

I don’t write about my youngest, my 9 year old, here too often yet, as she’s technically not a teen, or even a tween, though when her issues or conversations should be included for a story, they are. She’s my baby, and I’m full aware - as I’ve mentioned before - that I’m completely doomed with her when puberty hits full force. Right now though, she’s still all knees and elbows and legs and arms that refuse to work in the same direction at the same time despite how much she wants them too. She’s sass, and attitude, and chatter and giggling, and frilly and girly and divaliciousness AND random tears for no reason at all (hello hormones!). She’s my drama queen, she - just like my older kids - is my life.

And when she hurts - I want to hurt someone back. I want to make it go away. I want to FIX it, and make it better. But as a mom, I know that I can’t lash out. I have to teach her how to deal with things on her own. I have to be the bigger mom, the better parent, the smarter adviser so that she grows up stronger then most, and definitely smarter then those who have the actual problem because their parents can’t be bothered with the job of raising civilized offspring.

Sometimes, it’s easy.
A lot of the time it’s hard as hell.
Yesterday, it was EXCRUCIATING.

The pup came home from school worried about her gym shoes - because the laces were frayed and she thought someone had done it on purpose to get back at her. She was worried about telling me, so told her auntie instead - and that’s when the full story emerged. It’s never just about the shoes.

There was an incident in her classroom, when the teacher had stepped in the hallway to deal with another problem. There were names called, and accusations thrown, and then the two boys who have been picking at my daughter for a month now (one of which we’ve had problems with before for a year or so), hit her below the belt. Not physically - this was far worse. These boys, 4th grade boys, told my daughter that her father never loved her, that he left because he didn’t care about her, that he never wanted her to begin with.

For those that don’t know, her father, my husband, died unexpectedly 3.5 years ago.

She couldn’t hold it in - she fought back, though with only words. The whole classroom erupted into screaming, and then she did what I had taught her. She turned and walked away, why these two little…. these two boys called her names. The teacher hurried back in - all this happened in mere moments - and got the classroom under control, and no one, not even my daughter, told her what had started the fight. She doesn’t want to be a tattletale, and she knew she should have walked away and gotten the teacher first. And when she discovered her shoelaces, and how destroyed they were - when they had not been that way earlier - she thought they had done it on purpose, and transferred all that worry into hoping I wouldn’t be mad about the shoelaces, even though I’ve told her time and time again that THINGS don’t matter, people do. She had to cling to something to transfer her worry to, something tangible since she knew that the boys were wrong, that they had lied, and that they had hurt her on purpose.

Of course her auntie told me, and we told the teacher, and let her know what really happened. I also assured the pup that I could fix the damn shoelaces - they weren’t a problem. The teacher had a class meeting this morning, and made sure to phrase things in such a way that there were no fingers pointing at the pup, that would make the boys act out against her again today, and we - the teacher and I - have an action plan of what to do should it start to escalate again.

The pup and I had another talk about walking away, about getting to a teacher if needed, and about words and stupid people don’t matter in the grand scheme of things because SHE knows the truth. Her daddy loved her more than life, I love her with the same intensity, and nothing anyone ever says could change that. The boys found a soft spot that would hurt her, and pushed.

I wish I knew how to teach her to protect her heart, while still keeping it as full and open as it always as been. I wish I could wrap her up and protect her from all the assholes of this world, no matter what age they might be. I want to keep her SAFE, and secure, yet still teach her to be as fiercely independent as she desires to be. I wish it didn’t hurt so badly when someone hurts my baby, and I wish I could strike back.

Instead, I can only do what I can do - hold her close, until she’s done letting me comfort her. Let go when she wants to walk on her own, yet hover close enough to catch her when she falls. Step back and let her fall when she thinks she’s ready too - so that I can pick her back up again, until she’s strong enough to pick herself up, dust herself off, and try once more.

I’m never sure if I’m doing enough, too much, not near enough. All I can do is try to help pad the soft spots, while keeping them open and free-flowing and strong.

Sometimes being the bigger, better parent sucks donkey balls.

Then, this morning, she reminded me just why we put ourselves through it, as she woke up happy and smiling and danced her way through her day on cloud nine. She even told me when she got home that for some reason, she was happier than ever today - and no one could tell that she had a problem yesterday because she was so happy and thrilled with life. For some reason, her day was just… good. No, today it was great. She doesn’t need to know why - it just was.

I think I know why. I think that her daddy held her up today, wrapped in his arms, wrapped in his love that was so big in life that it transcends death.

And I think she’ll be okay.

…or something like that.

Sometimes, as I’m at my house, alone with my children, telling them something in a slightly elevated tone of voice - exhausted or bemused, either way - it appears that my mother sneaks in, and says things that I remember hearing from my childhood. She is just suddenly THERE, flying RIGHT OUT OF MY MOUTH. How the hell does that happen?! From things like “don’t you roll your eyes at me…” to “Leave you brother/sister ALONE” to “One day, you’re gonna feel BAD for doing that…” I’ve heard - and said - them all.

But you know what? That last one? Is a LIE. I don’t feel bad! In fact, I’ve been cackling - yes, CACKLING - for two days now! You see, my baby sister reminded me of a stunt I’d pulled on her back when she was 7 or 8, that STILL GIVES HER PAUSE today! That, my friends, is a Class A stunt! I am very proud. As are my kids. The baby sister? She’s declared me evil, and that I was going to be sliding straight to the fiery pit of doom. To that, my friends, I only have one thing to say: WHEEEEEEEEEE!!!

What was my devious deed? Well, back when I was 11 or 12, and my sister 7 or 8, I had a bff named Laura. She and I were practically joined at the hip even through she was 2 years older then me, and we spent a good portion of that summer at the high school swimming pool. Back then it was open every day for open swim, and only cost 50 cents to get in, so it was a good use of our time. AND there was a cute blond lifeguard that looked EXACTLY like Bo Duke, and Laura and me, we were totally going to get his attention/marry him/be his one and only (yes, the both of us) for that fact alone. We were slightly in love with the Dukes of Hazard, you see, and all I remember of the life guard was that he had blond curly hair that reminded us of Bo. Instant IN LOVE FOREVER were we. Yes. I am fully aware NOW that he must have thought us total dorks. But that has nothing to do with the story.

You see, it all started when my baby sister wanted to tag along with us into the deep end. We, being older, wiser, more mature, didn’t WANT the tag-along, well, tagging along. Apparently - though I’d forgotten about it until she reminded me yesterday - apparently I decided to spin a tale of horror to make her stay on HER side of the pool. In the Shallow End. In a stroke of pure genius, I told her that if she went to the deep end, a JAWS like Shark would come out from his home under the grate in the center of the deep end and EAT HER UP.

She believed me.

Not only did she believe me? But come to find out, as I’m laughing hysterically while she tells me how awful I am/was, she STILL hesitates every now and again as she swims over that damn grate in the bottom of the pool! STILL! At the ripe old age of 33! This from MY baby sister, the swimmer extraordinaire, who’s gotten my youngest to join the team with her and her kids, and does triathlons and is THIRTY-THREE YEARS OLD. She STILL gets that little squeamish feeling every now and again.

Just goes to show that even when I was 11-12, I RULE!

Of course, being the sensitive, mature woman that I am today, I treated such news with calm and sincere apologies and… who am I kidding? I’ve been laughing my ass off ever since she told me! And thinking of many, MANY devious plans that can help me capitalize on this little nugget of information. It’s not often something said so many years ago maintains a level of power over a grown adult! The kids can greet her by humming the JAWS theme! I can get her a toy shark that plays the theme! I can get her the BOXED ANNIVERSARY MOVIE SET! In 3D! I can make the JAWS theme her specialized ringtone on my phone! In fact, the bass clarinet player in my daughter’s band loves me, and offered to play said theme song FOR said ringtone to further personalize the torture!

And Oh. So. Much. More…

Oh yes. I am an evil. evil. EVIL woman. This Christmas will be FUN! In fact, I JUST discovered this little item that came through my feed reader this morning COMPLETELY RANDOMLY, which means that this upcoming torture is FATE. You see, it appears that the JAWS boat is going up for auction!

The fishing boat owned by the shark hunter who inspired the “Jaws” movies is going to be sold at auction.

New Yorker Frank Mundus, credited as being the real Captain Quint from Peter Benchley’s Jaws novel, on which Steven Spielberg’s movies were based, died in September at the age of 82.

His 40 foot wooden boat, Cricket II, will go on sale online in February, with a starting price of $25,000.

February, hm? I bet we can extend this fun until her birthday on the 26th, don’t you think? It’s the PERFECT birthday gift!

PS. Anyone have $25k I can borrow?
PPS. WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

PPPS. Kids, be nice to your siblings. They might grow up to be JUST LIKE ME. MUHAHAHAH!

I receive a lot of searches that deal with teenage sexuality, promiscuity, etc. both from the straight and gay point of view – the latter usually involving questions about coming out to friends and family. As such, I asked a friend of mine if he’d tell us his story, in his own words. Danny is 18 years old, out and proud. He runs Big-Brother-Fan.com, and the Big Brother Interactive game – if you’re a fan of the show (and you know I am) be sure to pop over there and tell Danny I sent you!

Thank you, Danny, for taking the time to tell us your story! Hopefully it will find someone who needs to hear it, and give them that much more strength to come out on their own.
~L

Coming out. It’s one of the biggest trivial problems that gay folk deal with. Will my parents hate me? Will I lose friends? Will I be physically harmed? While this may sound extreme, it’s not. I’m going to take you down the road of the gay lifestyle, and specifically - coming out.

When I was around 8 years of age, I truly understood that I was ‘different’. I knew that I wasn’t like all the other boys who thought girls were ‘cute’. I enjoyed watching wrestling a little too much, and I played around with a few of my friends at the age of 10. I understood and embraced the fact that I was a homosexual from an early age, and have never been ashamed of what I am. Nor should anyone else. No one can tell you who or who you cannot love. Anyways…

Around the age of 10, I was taken from my mother due to her extreme drug issues. I moved in with my Stepfather in Florida (from Maine). I spent a few years in turmoil, visiting my mother only on occasion and wondering if she was ever going to stop with her drug abuse. At the age of 12 I realized that she could end up dying at any point, and if she did I wouldn’t have told her everything about me. I decided that the next time she called, I was going to tell her.

When she did finally call, 2 months later, I chickened out. I know, why be afraid? But I was also 12 years old. I finally admitted to her four calls later that I was indeed a homosexual. My mother took this to heart, which disturbed me. My mother has always loved me, and she sounded disgusted to be talking to her son, a young man who liked other men. I just couldn’t understand, not in the slightest bit.

Finally after a year of awkwardness, my mother got over her issues with my lifestyle. Mainly, because she didn’t have a choice - she was a crackhead… and certainly not in a position to judge others.

Coming out to my mother was the easiest. My birth father? Not so much. When he found out, he blew a gasket - punched me in the face - physically threw me out of his house - and never spoke to me again. That is a day I don’t particularly like to relive, and no matter what I have done to try and continue contact with him - it won’t work. He doesn’t like gays, like many others in the United States.

In fact four States have so much hate towards gays they have joined the 17 others who have ‘re-defined’ marriage as the union of ONE man and ONE woman. California has gone as far as to TAKE away the marital rights that they gave gays, and potentially annul 18,000 gay marriages. It’s pathetic how hateful this world, this country can truly be.

We’re swaying from the topic now though, aren’t we? Anyways. I have three main rules that I try to explain to coming-outers:

— Be who you are.
— Don’t be afraid.
— Rely on your friends/family for support.

If you follow these rules, your coming out should be a breeze. Don’t let others bully you around, and if they try? Kick their asses. Be who you are, don’t let anyone tell you what YOU feel. Finally, rely on your friends and family for support. Some may disapprove of your “decision”, but a majority of your friends/family will still support you - and use that support to move forward and become stronger.

I knew it would. I mean, part of me hoped it would sooner or later, though if I’m perfectly honest, I was pulling for the ‘later’. Then I found, when it DID happen, that just saying the WORD made me want to cry. So here it is.

My son, my strong, quiet, shy, loving and lovable child of just 16 years old, has his first girlfriend.

Ouch. That hurts. And don’t think I miss the irony of having written this post just 24 hours beforehand - or that Nana wrote this one yesterday, either!

You see, before this, all the jokes were of the “you know, it’ll happen EVENTUALLY” variety. Now, all of the sudden, eventually seems a whole lot closer then I was ready to acknowledge! I know that it was luck that had him quietly NOT dating this long, but now all bets are off. So the questions start.

Did I really teach him well enough?
Will he be respectful to her?
Will she break his heart and am I going to REALLY hurt her for doing so?
Will they wait (omgwaitPLEASEWAIT) until they’re (..I’m! Wait until I’m…) ready before taking things farther then the kiss (OMG HE GOT HIS FIRST KISS!?!)
What is the expiration date on those condoms, anyway and HEY! WHY ARE SOME MISSING? (I’m looking at YOU Z/B! How could you forget Rule Number Two?)

To be honest, I know the answers to those questions already, but the mom in me can’t help but wonder, as my heart breaks just a tiny bit. He was bound to grow up - hell, the child has been taller then me since he was 13, and he stands a towering 6 foot tall now over my mere 5′6″. And he’s built like a freakin linebacker, to boot. Even so, he’s always been my baby - my firstborn, my only son.

His daddy was very big on respect toward women, and those lessons are impossible to forget, as he’d heard them since he was born. Open the doors, carry the bags/books, be polite, be respectful, never EVER raise your hand against a lady in anger. He also had my influence too, of course. Girls like this, HATE that, find someone you can talk too, chemistry is nice but forever is a LONG TIME, take your time, be their friend first - everything else will come, talk to me, talk to me, talk TO ME.

As such, The Boy has always been ‘the friend’ to the girls in his group of peers, as well as his sister’s friends, and random girls who’s lockers were near his. He gives great hugs, and has strong shoulders that can carry any load. Girls talk to him, they seek him out when they need reassurance in the form of a hug and quiet, non-judgmental understanding. And even so, my shy boy never once thought he was noticed, never thought the girls knew he existed. “They know,” I’d tell him often. “They know - just wait and see. The smart girls marry their friends, like I did. Your time will come.”

His time is here. We’ve teased him for months that this co-worker liked him. We’d pointed out all of the evidence, but he’d just shake his head, maybe blush a little. We teased, but we knew he’d have to be ready, and he’d take his time. Then, with one last nudge of his friend Z who wrote the all important txt message that opened the conversation, holding it to The Boy’s hand so that he actually pushed send, he made his move. A move she’d obviously been waiting for. (She did, however, make him ask her out in person, not in text. That gets points with Mama!)

So there it is. I’ll have to get used to saying it. My son has a g…gi…gir…girlfriend. We’ve waited for it, expected it, wondered when it would happen - and now? All I want to do is take it back, take it ALL back, and go back to when he ran up and down the hallway screaming “Mama I LOVE you!” at the top of lungs, while I chased his tiny 2 year old form until I caught him, and we hugged and laughed until we couldn’t breathe.

Now I have to share his heart, and I’m not sure I’m ready for that. I guess I should have paid attention to all those books we read about sharing when the kids were younger. I didn’t, and thus - in the immortal words of those same kids - I’ll end with this:

“BUT I DON’T WANT TO!”

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. It’s the perfect time to talk with your teen about the dangers of finding themselves involved in a relationship with violence or the potential for violence. According to the website Choose Respect, 1 in 11 high school students report being the victim of physical dating abuse, and about one in four teens reports verbal, physical, emotional, or sexual abuse each year.

Following is the text of the Teen Dating Bill of Rights:

Accept responsibility for myself and my actions.
*********************************************************************************

Be sure to talk with your teenager (whether male or female), about violence in relationships. Have them be watchful about any treatment or attitudes which make them uncomfortable from a boyfriend or girlfriend. Getting into inappropriate relationships can become a pattern. Help your teens know how to set boundaries, and be aware of the behavior of those with whom they have relationships.

For more on emotional issues, visit

Mental and Emotional Health

teens, teenagers, domestic violence, dating violence, dating abuse, abusive relationships, parenting, parenting teens, parenting teenagers, Domestic Violence Awareness Month

I’ve posted several times before on the importance of communicating well with your teenager. However, this is one subject of which I think we can never really get enough!

During the teen years, children are making the dramatic transition to young adulthood. There is probably no other stage of childhood at which parents and children have more trouble communicating feelings. The child who once came to you with troubles, who liked getting hugs and kisses is now remote and uncommunicative. At the same time, a parent’s feelings toward a teen are becoming more complicated. You have pride in your child’s accomplishments and his becoming more independent, but at the same time, fear of your changing relationship, sadness at the end of his childhood, and frustration over losing some of your control over him.

Parents have preconceived ideas about what their teenager is or should be. This leads to many problems. A teenager is engaged in the process of becoming separate from mom and dad.

One good example of that struggle is appearance. Clothing, hairstyles, and makeup of which mom and dad don’t approve can be a major source of discord. A good rule of thumb to follow is that, if you can accept what

you

consider to be less-than-acceptable appearances in informal, everyday situations, it can give you some leverage in getting your teenager to dress more acceptably on more formal occasions.

By harrassing your teen about less important things like length of hair and style of dress, you allow more important issues to get lost in the shuffle. By respecting and accepting your teenager’s individuality in matters such as hair and dress, you help keep tension and strain between you at a lower level, allowing you to communicate more easily about the important things.

In short-don’t sweat the small stuff! Keep communications lines open for discussing really important issues!

For info and tips on communicating with younger children, check out:
Parenting Our Children
Parenting Toddlers

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One of the front page stories in today’s Atlanta Journal-Constitution is very relevant to this blog. It tells the story of what one family went through to get their teenage son into an intervention program, and how this program changed the entire family.

At age 16, Bubba Brocard, of Cobb County, Georgia, had become a menace. He punched holes in walls during outbursts of rage. He got drunk and belligerent one day, high and aloof the next.

“He was totally out of control,” John Brocard said. “He was using marijuana, was drinking alcohol, lying, stealing and manipulating us. He would verbally abuse me and cuss at me in front of my wife and challenge me to fight.

“His constant outbursts of anger and rage scared his older sister and younger brother to the point they were afraid to be around him. His mood affected our whole household and our marriage.”

Bubba’s parents, John and Fair Brocard, were so desperate to save him, and their family, that they arranged for Bubba to be kidnapped in the middle of the night at their home, and taken to an intervention program. The program is named in the article, so if you’re interested in it, please go to the link above. The purpose of this post isn’t to support or point out any one program, but to have you read the story of the Brocards.

It’s a remarkable story that led to the complete turnaround-not only of the Brocard’s son, who is now 25 years old, graduated from high school and college, and has a good job-but of his parents, who now run their own non-profit organization to help other families with troubled teens.

Read the article. You’ll get a lift, as well as, possibly, some inspiration, if you’re in a situation like the Brocards’. If any of you readers have serious problems with teens, please let me know about it. I can point you in the direction of some specific programs, if you’d like.

teens, teenagers, troubled teens, troubled teenagers, troubled adolescents, teen intervention programs, parenting, parenting teens, parenting teenagers

For once, I’m going to recommend a book that I haven’t even read yet! Based on Newsweek’s interview with author Diana West, The Death of the Grown-up sounds like a fascinating book. Here’s a reprint of the interview:

NEWSWEEK: First, can you clarify how you are defining the term “grown-up�??
Diana West: What I’m mostly trying to define is the change in attitudes toward growing up. Reading Lionel Trilling, I was struck by what he saw. He noted the complete eradication of the notion of making a life with a beginning, middle and end. That would be the sea change, that aspiration has disappeared. It used to be a reflexive action to reject your growing years. People were expected to grow out of adolescence and lose certain traits such as the self-absorption, lack of identity and striving of a young person to find himself. We as a society no longer expect to find ourselves, it’s become an open-ended process.

Can you give an example of how you see adults behaving like adolescents?
Recently, the New York Times Style section’s lead story was about how “The Boys in the Band are in AARP�? [American Association of Retired People], about retired men starting garage bands. It’s like a morphing of what was once considered countercultural with the most mainstream, middle-class, stalwart members of the community. That kind of image really encapsulates the phenomenon and shows how society thinks that it is completely unremarkable.

So are we really talking about the death of the adult male?
Where womanhood stands today is deeply affected by the death of grown-up. I would say the sexualized female is part of the phenomenon I’m talking about, so I don’t think they’re immune to the death of the grown-up. Women are still emulating young fashion. Where sex is more available, there are no longer the same incentives building toward married life, which once was a big motivation toward the maturing process.

You write that “it was during the period of peace, prosperity and bright futures that followed World War II that the adult began to ape the adolescent.�? Do you think the experience of war is necessary for the maturing process?
I wouldn’t say war is a necessary experience, though it certainly is a transformative experience. The question is, what is the formative experience to make a perpetual adolescent? When you talk about the postwar period, the vast new affluence is a big factor in reorienting the culture to adolescent desire. You see a shift in cultural authority going to the young. Instead of kids who might take a job to be able to help with household expenses, all of a sudden that pocket money was going into the manufacture of a massive new culture. That conferred such importance to a period of adolescence that had never been there before.

Hasn’t there always been a culture clash between generations?
The main difference is that the counterbalance has been lost. When you come up with the latest outrage that seems to shock people—something like kids freak-dancing at the prom—the adults tend to retreat, talk amongst themselves, wring their hands, but never exercise the power they have as mentors and parents and teachers. They never instruct kids in basic civility, in basic male-female relationships. You lose your power when you don’t exercise it. The adults today have no confidence. I remember being at a high-school party, and at 12 o’clock the mother comes into the middle of the room and blows a police whistle and says, “Thank you for coming, goodnight.�? What parent would do that today? It’s the same thing with the spring-break syndrome, where kids are planning expensive trips, going out unchaperoned, they are drinking, debauching, absolutely running amok, yet the parents say, “I can’t do anything about it.�? Parents have abdicated responsibilities to give in to adolescent desire.

You quote the cultural critic Neil Postman (“Amusing Ourselves to Death�?) saying that prior to literate adulthood, “everyone shared the same information environment.�? Could we be seeing a return to that today, with the Internet allowing everyone access to the same information?
I think the Internet comes late to the game. It magnifies the ideas. The Internet is not a cause of the death of the grown-up, but maybe an extension, in the sense that it opened up the boundaries of accessibility to information. But so much of what we consider to be sophistication is just exposure, not really experience or achievement. This sort of exposure can be jading but not enriching.

What I hear you saying is that kids have become more adult in their behaviors just as adults have become more childlike. Is it the death of the grown-up, or the end of childhood?
It’s kind of like a blending that ends up yielding neither one nor the other. There is this sense of wanting to stay young, wanting to stay open, unformed, not wanting Lionel Trilling’s shaped life. You see quite a number of men and women aping the young in terms of everyday clothing, 10-year-olds and 50-year-olds are wearing chunky athletic shoes, T shirts and shorts, and they’re looking the same. It used to be a mark of passage when boys stopped wearing short pants. There’s not really a popular culture that’s geared toward adults. Will it stay with us forever? Will it be something we look back on as a funny blip? I don’t know, but I think it is something new.

I agree with most of the things Ms. West says in this interview. And I believe that one of the reasons for the erosion of parental authority over teenagers is that parents seem “less grown-up” to their teens that my own parents seemed to me. It often does seem that, when I was a teen, no matter the size of the kid, you could tell parent from child merely by the clothes they were wearing. Now, my daughter and I tend to wear the same styles-mostly jeans and tops.

However, clothes are only an outward sign. I think one of the biggest problems is this fear that many parent seem to have to really discipline their kids. Adolescents have become a group with a lot of power, while parents seem to have less authority over them. And parents need to take back that authority.

I can’t wait to get my copy of this book! How do you feel about your authority over your children? Does it seem to you that teens and adults have become more “blended” and that the lines are becoming blurred? Is this a bad or good thing? Let me know how you feel.

teens, teenagers, adolescence, parental authority, Diana West, The Death of the Grown-up, teens and authority, parenting teens, parenting teenagers, parental responsibility

CosmoGirl! has included a wonderful booklet inside their latest print issue that includes many great tips for teens entering college. Although geared toward girls, most of the tips apply to guys as well. Several of my daughter’s friends found them helpful. Here’s five of the best:

1. Clean up your online profile. Those inside jokes posted on your Facebook or MySpace page won’t seem nearly as funny to your new friends at school. Plus, a simple profile lets you reveal your personality to the new people you meet at your own pace.

2. Make nice with Mom and Dad. Leave a handwritten note, or frame a picture of the three of you to show how much you love and appreciate them. College will be fun and exciting, but you’re going to miss your parents (and need their support), so give good old Mom and Dad some TLC before you leave.

3. Learn to do laundry. Ask your parents for pointers, and test your skills. Keep it simple and buy just one detergent and a color-safe bleach for both light and dark loads.

4. Get on a budget. Write down every dollar you spend for a month. Then talk to your parents about what costs you’ll be responsible for in college. Plan two weekly trips to the ATM: one on Monday for the school week, and one on Friday for the weekend’s expenses.

5. Mind your p’s and q’s. Write thank-you notes to your favorite teachers and bosses. Personalize your message and describe how each one has influenced your life. You’ll make their year, plus you’ll kick off your new life at school with some good karma.

Pass these tips off to your college-bound teens! Especially the one about the TLC for Mom and Dad!

teens, teenagers, college life, college tips, college freshmen, entering college, CosmoGirl

The House debates today on funding for abstinence education programs, according to the San Francisco Chronicle. Abstinence programs across the country, such as Virginity Rules received their first cut in financing since 2001, this past June. So far, $176 million in funding has survived, up to the debates today. Will that funding be cut further?

There are some 700 abstinence education programs across the country. Eleven state health departments rejected abstinence education this year, while three states passed laws that could affect abstinence education in schools. This past spring, a comprehensive study of abstinence education programs found no sign that it delays sexual activity among teens. According to this article, however, teens are abstaining from sex more, and using contraceptives when they do not abstain.

Through a combination of less sex and more contraception, pregnancy and birth rates among American teenagers as a whole have been falling since about 1991. Texas, however, has seen the smallest decline despite receiving almost $17 million to promote abstinence.

I, personally, have no problem with abstinence being taught. However, I do believe that it should be taught alongside use of contraceptives, and other alternatives. How do you readers feel? Do you think abstinence education works, and should it be funded by the federal government?

teens, teenagers, abstinence, abstinence education, teen abstinence, sex education, teen sex education, parenting, parenting teens, parenting teenagers

I’m very happy to announce that Parenting Teens now has parenting forums! I’ve been working on these forums for a while now(amongst other writing chores), and they are now ready for the general public!

Although they are administered by me through the Parenting Teens blog, they are not just for parents of teens. There are categories available for parents who have children of every age-baby through college age. There are also Just For Moms and Just For Dads categories, as well as areas for different types of families and for school issues.

These forums are something I have long wanted to do, and I am very excited about them! You can access the forums at any time by using the link in the “About” box just to the right of this blog, or by going to http://www.parentingteensblog.com/forums/ . So, please, drop by the forums, register, and return often to chat with other parents about parent and child issues. See you there!

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