Parenting Teens

This goes straight to the “WTF?” file. The Dayton Daily News recently published an article about “needless hugging” and asked what teens would think of next - stating that this hugging was another faction on the endless campaign to confound their elders. By doing the unthinkable - and hugging their friends. I dug up the NY Times article they referenced, to find that yes, indeed, this hugging thing is becoming an epidemic.

Hugging.
Epidemic.

Now, I was raised in a family of easy contact - from hugging to the occasional slap on the behind, or punch on the arm, to the knock down drag out wrestling matches with my sister. (Don’t let her fool you - she was PERFECTLY WILLING!) We, predominantly Irish and HillBilly, were as easy with our affection as we were with our ire. I hug my children, a lot. My husband did too before he passed. We will stop anything to give a brief hug to our kids, whether it’s a long involved snuggle, or a quick squeeze in passing. And of course, we often add a poke in the side, a tickle, or an eyeball lick.

(…what?)

So this whole uproar about HUGGING seems absolutely ridiculous to me. My kids hug their friends, too. I mean, EVEN THE BOYS ARE DOING IT! At home, at school, there’s a whole lotta hugging going on, and while people like Noreen Hajinlian are banning “needless hugging” in their schools, I’m sitting here wondering what the heck the big deal is. Many schools have various bans on PDAs (Public Displays of Affection) but even the teens themselves admit this is not something sexual at all, it’s just a way of greeting between friends. Good Ole Noreen there says that’s not the case, because greeting happens before school, not between classes.

(…did ya hear my eyes roll? Did ya?)

So maybe the kids like to hug, because most of the rest of the time they’re only connected by the thumbs and texting - or maybe they’re just overly friendly. Some school officials and parents though, are worried:

• A parenting columnist for the Associated Press admits that she is baffled.

“It’s a wordless custom, from what I’ve observed,” she writes in her book, “13 is the new 18.” “And there doesn’t seem to be any other overt way in which they acknowledge each other. No hi, no smile, no wave, no high-five — just the hug.”

• Experts have been consulted to delve into what this threat of teenage hugging is all about.

“Without question, the boundaries of touch have changed in American culture,” declares a Virginia sociologist. “We display bodies more readily, there are fewer rules governing body touch and a lot more permissible access to other people’s bodies.”

• Attorneys are standing by to fight for the constitutional rights of students who might feel pressured by their peers into hugging. The day after the Times story was published, a legal Web site in Michigan warned that parents “should be alert to the potential downsides” of hugging.

• And school officials, naturally, are having trouble getting their arms around this latest form of teenage rebellion. Some have instituted a “three-second rule” to limit the length of a hug. A few years ago, in Bend, Ore, a middle school girl received detention for illegal hugging.

“Touching and physical contact is very dangerous territory,” notes the principal of a high school in New Jersey, where student — and, presumably, faculty — hugging was banned two years ago. “It was needless hugging — they are in the hallways before they go to class. It wasn’t a greeting. It was happening all day.”

So here’s my question to you - where do YOU stand on the whole hugging debate? Is it really a gateway to bigger and harder and more dangerous drugs? (…I mean sex, ya’ll. *L*) Or is it as harmless as it seems? Do you think kids will actually feel left out if they choose NOT to hug, any more than they have before? Are you a hugger or non-hugger yourself? Is this REALLY something we need to be obsessing over when there are so many OTHER things that can go wrong? Sound off in the comments below!

So, drinking has been on my mind the past few days, which isn’t so surprising because “the facts are these..” (SOB! How could they cancel Pushing Daisies?!): Christmas Vacation starts in just over a week, and that means all the kids will be home, with various of their friends, and it’s ALSO -3 degrees out there right now and a hot toddy sounds REALLY GOOD, and it’s been 3 years, 4 months, 5 days and 16 hours since I last got my drunk on.

No, I’m not in recovery or anything like that, I just don’t go out anymore, and getting drunk alone at home sort of crosses that line from recluse to crazy cat woman a little too easily for my comfort. That’s not to suggest my teenagers haven’t driven me to drink, just that it takes too much effort to actually get gussied up and hit the too expensive bars, or to bundle up in the cold to hit the stores.

Yes. I’m not a drunk because I am THAT lazy.

Anyway, it likely won’t surprise you that my talks with my kids about drinking and drugs run along the same lines as our sex talks do - irreverent, yet informative, with copious amounts of tequila with a bit of weed on the side. Oh stop, I’m just kidding. About the informative part. (Oh come on, ya’ll know me better then that!)

You see, when I was growing up, I was the absolute epitome of the good girl. (I’ll wait for you to stop laughing. All better? Thanks, mom.) I didn’t drink or smoke - anything - at all while I was growing up and through high school. I think a lot of that had to do with my Dad’s attitude about it - if I wanted to try a beer, ask him and he’d let me. Same with a glass of wine. As long as it was at home, with my parents in attendance. I tell you, there’s no better way to curtail someone’s desire for a bad habit so much as hearing “Sure, you can have a beer. Sit there next to your mom.” from your parents. As if I weren’t ‘uncool’ enough, drinking with my PARENTS?! Yeah. That wouldn’t help at ALL. So I didn’t. I never even really felt the urge to, either. It just seemed like too much bother.

That’s not to say that I didn’t drink before I was of legal age - I did. AFTER I moved out, and ALWAYS with the knowledge that if I couldn’t drive, or the people I was with couldn’t drive, I could call my dad and he’d come get me. Sure, he wouldn’t be exactly HAPPY about getting up at o’God-thirty to come find me, but that option was always there. Just as it is for my kids. And their friends. (Like the one I picked up this morning because she was going to walk in -3 degree weather, without a coat, with high heels. INORITE? Another story, another time.) I drank a bit, then stopped when I had kids, and I tried weed the first time when I was 31 years old.

Yes. Thirty-One.

So I knew what it takes to resist the peer pressure, and how to find those friends that won’t pressure at all. (Honestly? Hang with the stoners. They don’t care if YOU don’t indulge, as long as you don’t care if they DO.) That’s the same hope I had with my own kids - that I could raise them to feel the same way about it all as I did. Moderation, careful consideration, and for goddsake leave mom’s stash alone! (..ahem.)

When it came time to talk to my kids about drinking and drugs - though to be honest I don’t remember a specific conversation, it as just something always there and openly discussed - My husband and I took the same route. If you want to try something bad enough, ask us. Now, my kids, being the stubborn little brats that they are, DID ask. One sniff of tequila and it never made it to their lips. A little taste of beer was enough to wrinkle the nose and have me laughing at the looks on their faces, since I don’t like beer either. They never asked after that, and they haven’t even considered doing anything else, either. Trust me - I can smell pot a mile away, on someone who was simply in the next apartment building over, getting it 4th hand. I know.

When my husband died, we had a good old fashioned Irish Wake, complete with a keg, many bottles of many things, and probably (ok, most certainly) some fine Alaskan weed too. I didn’t monitor the boy and his friend, both of whom were 13 at the time. Well, I was watching them, but I didn’t count the sips they were most assuredly stealing from the keg, or the fact that my Strawberry Jack Daniels always had a couple swallows missing when it got to me. I watched them, and made sure they were safe, but I didn’t stop them. It was an Irish Wake. It was a time to mourn and celebrate Dad, in a way that would make him proud. We had MANY people at the campsite who were sober and taking care of us all, so it was a safe environment.

And the boys’ hangovers the next day? TOTALLY worth it. Even if they STILL deny they had that much to drink. Liars.

On the way home, after I’d made sure to bang a couple things real loud, accidentally of course, we had a talk. And we made a deal. After they realized I wasn’t angry that they were swiping, both boys opened up and we had a frank discussion about it, and why I allowed it that night - and then we hammered out the terms of our deal. They had their taste, they had their fun. If they steered completely clear of alcohol (and weed was certainly implied - though not specified.) until they were 21, I would find a way to take them to Vegas to celebrate their birthday in style - no chaperoning, just me along to pour them into their beds at dawn, and make sure they didn’t do something totally stupid. And to take many blackmail pictures, of course. Both boys thought this was a FANTASTIC idea, and the bargain was struck.

A bargain they’ve both kept, 100% to this day. In fact, when they ask if they can have a sip of my girly beer, I hand them the bottle. “Go ahead. It’ll save me money in the long run.” They always hand it back, that damning sip un-taken. The boy wants to go to Vegas. And I will be more the pleased to pony up the dough to take them there.

I guess my point is - don’t be afraid to talk with your kids before it’s too late. If you are open and honest and NOT damning them for even considering it, they’ll react rationally, and probably surprise you. Dare to be open with you kids, dare to be different and find a tactic that works for you both. Most of all - TALK TO THEM. I’ve said it a million times, and it’s still my number one go to rule for surviving teenagerhood. TALK TO THEM. You might be surprised what you find out, and I know for a fact, you won’t be sorry you took the time.

…and I’m presuming you were kids, teenagers, etc. since we didn’t actually catch you IN the act - we do know that you’re short, as you managed to pull the seat way forward. Heh. And since we’re unsure just which batch of neighborhood teenagers that you belong too (other then not MY group, because they OH SO WOULDN’T because they know better - but we’d be having serious words right now instead of writing to YOU if they did….) I thought I’d write an open letter to you, and all the other joyriders of the world.

First things first. Thank you for bringing the car back - or most of the way back.

Weren’t expecting that, were ya? Sure, the cops had been out looking for a couple hours, and you probably were the ones that got stuck in the ditch down the way where my sister saw fresh dig out marks, but at least you DID bring it most of the way back. With a dead battery since you left the lights on, and empty tank (I know, it only had 1/4 tank in it anyway. Sorry bout that.) So as it’s my only form of transportation, I do want to thank you for being considerate enough to take it back.

However, this does not forgive or forget the fact that you were assholes enough to steal it out of my driveway to begin with. I mean, SRSLY guys! From my DRIVEWAY? Sure, my dog who barks at everything, didn’t bark. And I’ve left my keys IN my car for the past 12 years. And you couldn’t have known I’d need to go pick up my girls a couple hours after the last time I came home. And you really couldn’t have realized that I would call the cops - after all, my late husband would never have called them, as he figured being a card carrying NRA member and lover of all things sharp and pointy, he could solve most things on his own.

But I am not he, and he is no longer with us.

Its just… mind-boggling. MY car? It’s a ‘95 for heavens sake, an completely falling apart at the seams! The CV joint is going out (that would be the thumping you heard on the right front tire..), the heater is an external button attached to the dash with a zip tie with two settings - on and off (also known as HOT AS HELL and OMGFRIGID!). The front seat has a broken bolt and probably would fly out of the car in an accident, the ignition switch is going out… so on and so forth. Of ALL the cars on this street, you pick MINE? SRSLY?

Seriously, guys (or gals) did you really think this thing through? Is this the first time you’ve done this? I mean, parts of my keychain went missing just a couple days ago, and now that I think about it, I HAVE been going through more gas then usual.. not that I’m accusing you (ok, I am), just sayin’.

And then there’s this. Everyone in the neighborhood knows that I’ve a group of teenagers living here off an on. Everyone knows that I’m the ‘Cool Mom’ and that I would give you the shirt off my back, twice, if you needed it. Everyone knows that I’d take you for a ride if you needed to go somewhere, and if you’re one of mine or their friends, if you needed a car that badly, I would have HANDED YOU THE KEYS. All you would have had to do is ask. Instead, what you did was disrespectful, and seriously uncool.

I think you were compelled to bring it back for one of two reasons - you thought you wouldn’t get caught as maybe you’ve done it before or your simply that stupid, OR it was simply my good karma trampling all over yours - which means I’d watch my back if I were you.. because somethings gonna bite you. Soon. Either way, the car is here now, and the keys are in my possession.

I regret that now I’m going to have to start locking things up, and I feel there’s a bit of innocence lost in that. I don’t care for it much, and I don’t appreciate you stealing my Small Town Feeling away from me like you have. Next time, guys. Just ask. If you need something, just ASK.

Sincerely,
The Cool Mom.

PS. You left your flashlight in the front seat of the car with the keys when you bailed. Officer Jay would be happy to return it to you if you just call the Police Station.

PPS. My son is his Daddy’s boy, through and through. Just sayin’.

So, we’ve talked a little about social media, Myspace in particular, and your teens here before, and I realize that not everyone has the kind of relationship with their teenagers (or tweens) that I do, and are a bit uncomfortable with opening up the discussions on how to be safe while online with your kids. No judgment here, it is what it is! Sometimes those little mini-clone buggers of ours can be near impossible to talk to, what with the rolling of the eyes and the “OH MAH GAWD MOM!” and “I KNOW ALREADY” and such that they tend to pop off with - sometimes ya feel you need a suit of armor just to find out what they might like for dinner. It’s ok, I’m there with ya.

Knowing this, when Ami hit me up and asked if I’d do an article on their site, NSTeens.org, I agreed at once. And then waited a couple days until after the finale of Big Brother because omg so much work and also GO RENEGADES! - but hey! I’m here now! (grin)

Anyway, NSTeens is a valuable site that will help open up those conversations with fun, colorful cartoons and good sense, giving you the opening through the piercing ‘I hate everything you stand for’ glare, when talking to your tween and teens about how much information is too much, and how to ensure that they are safe online. NSTeens also covers the issue of Cyber-bullying, which is on the rise, because threatening or bullying someone in 156 characters or less makes you the Big Idiot On Campus.

So check out NSTeens, on your own, and then most certainly with your tween/teenager! We all know common sense isn’t all that common when it comes to our kids, so why not use everything available to help them think before they post something possibly damaging?

That’s what I figured - so check it out today!

*Images Provided by the NetSmartz Workshop at the National Center for Missing & Exploited Children, www.NSTeens.org.

….of the American Teenager. My daughter (14) is OBSESSED with this show. Ok, maybe not obsessed with Johnny Depp level obsessed, but obsessed none the less. She hasn’t missed an episode and also makes me DVR them for her BFF who’s been out of town. I must confess, I haven’t missed an episode either - and not just because she watches each of them several times. (Wait! Come back! I’ll explain! Maybe…)

I find myself oddly charmed by the whole cheese factor of the show. And it is VERY cheesy! It boasts family values, while dishing on teenage issues with extreme stereotypical character types. I mean, do we even have ‘homes for girls in that… predicament’ any longer? And each teenager is the extreme example of their stereotype - from the Christian Cheerleader, to the High School Jock, to the nerdy guy, the cool drummer, the slutty baton twirler, and the nosy gossipy friends.

The cheese factor is saved though by the lead, Shailene Woodley’s ability to let her emotions filter across her face. She can turn on the waterworks in ways my kids WISH they could, because it ups the sympathy factor.

The uber-Christian Cheerleader cracks me up, mostly because I went to a small Christian School and I’m pretty sure I met several versions of her during those years. Of course, the other cheerleaders were much like the baton twirler who adores sex. And if we’re being completely honest here (and when aren’t I?) I was a cheerleader too for a year. But I was neither extreme, and leaned more towards the innocent side, thank you very much. (Stop laughing!)

While I applaud the premise of the show, it’s done what we expected and drawn controversy due to their extreme pro-life standing, even as they discuss the possibilities of abortion and the like. Parents are upset that Amy turned to her friends first, but any parent of a teen knows that was one of the more realistic portions - no teen goes to their mom first. They go to their friends.

The most realistic part of the show is how fast the story got around the school. Unrealistic is expecting us to believe the time frame - just HOW pregnant IS Amy? One minute she’s showing already, the next she’s not so much, and they’re talking about abortion after she’s already showing and even skinny folks don’t start showing until 4-5 months which is second trimester and treading that fine line of yes it can happen and no it cant? However, the show did deliver one of the Best Lines Ever!

Amy: “I mean, it was only a couple of seconds, I’m not sure it really WAS sex, at least, until THIS happened…”

Best. Line. Ever.

Anyway, the little PSA at the end about talking to your kids is an important one - even if it, too, is cheesy as hell. I’ve never had much problem talking to my teenagers about sex and the consequences thereof. No, really! The conversation goes like this:

Me: (Singing, of course) Let’s talk about SEX baby… let’s talk about you and NO ONE ELSE EVER!
Teenagers: (Much rolling of eyes.)
Me: Alright. The first four words of EVERY conversation on this subject are….
Teenagers: (Rolling eyes, counting them off, mouthing along with me…)
Me: I WILL KILL YOU. Right. Rule number two about Fight Club?
Teenagers: oh GAWD mom. Seriously.
Me: RULE NUMBER TWO!
Teenagers: (Singsong) Condoms are not water balloons.
Me: And they are…
Teenagers: Above the kitchen sink in the basket.
Me: Because?
Teenagers: It drives Nana nuts.
Me: Um. uh. yeah, that too - but the OTHER reason?
Teenagers: (singsong) You’d rather have them there and not needed then needed and not there.
Me: And finally?
Teenagers: You keep count. We know. Can we go now?

Sure, we had the serious conversations first, I’m not completely insane. (What did I say about that laughing?) We don’t have to have them repeatedly though, and the above mostly happens in front of their friends. Because I’m the ‘cool mom’ and love to embarrass my kids - and the house rules apply to everyone, even friends. Also, I found out a long, long time ago that lessons taught with humor stick longer then lessons taught too large a dose of seriousness.

Mostly, I’m too young to be a grandma, heck - I’m too young to have two kids in high school! So I’d rather they think now, and know to protect themselves, before the petting gets to heavy and they forget to think at all. If watching The Secret Life of the American Teenager helps aid them in that thought process? I’m all for it, cheese factor be damned.

A new University of Georgia study, published in the August, 2007 issue of Communications Research has found that the more exposure middle school students have to anti-smoking ads, the more likely they are to smoke! Talk about an opposite effect!

Hye-Jin Paek, an assistant professor at the University of Georgia, and co-author of the study, along with Albert Gunther from the University of Wisconsin-Madison, found that many anti-smoking ad campaigns have the opposite effect on teenagers. She says that they backfire because they encourage the rebellious nature of youth. “They don’t want to hear what they should do or not do,” she says.

According to Paek, peer pressure has the most direct effect. She says that ads should focus on convincing teens that their friends are listening to anti-smoking warnings.

“Rather than saying, ‘Don’t smoke,’ it is better to say, ‘Your friends are listening to this message and not smoking,”Paek said. “It doesn’t really matter what their peers are actally doing.”

Do any of your teens smoke, or have they tried smoking? What do you feel would be the best way to reach teens on this issue?

teens, teenagers, parenting teens, parenting teenagers, teen smoking, teenagers smoking, teens and smoking, University of Georgia, University of Wisconsin-Madison, Communications Research

I had planned a totally different post for today, but with all the hype and talk surrounding American Idol and 17-year-old contestant Sanjaya Malakar, I couldn’t stand not to speak my mind.

I think this guy is one plucky teenager-heck, he’s courageous for someone of any age! Week after week, he’s been coming out and singing with his chin up and a smile on his face. This, after receiving (usually) harsh criticism in front of millions of viewers from Randy Jackson, Paula Abdul, and Simon Cowell. Then, he’s usually skewered by the media and tons of bloggers for another full week, until it’s time for him to perform again.

A lot of adults can, and do, fold under a lot less pressure than this! Personally, I’m sort of in awe of the guy. I mean (to put it in a context more of us can identify with), suppose your boss called a meeting of the entire company every week and proceeded to criticize your work in front of everyone? One occasion of this would be bad enough, but imagine it was happening to you week after week? Wouldn’t it be even tougher for you to work, given that situation?

Sure, I know the contestants voluntarily put themselves in this position, but let’s give some credit where credit is due. If you were in a situation like this, you could break down and drop out. It would certainly be an easy way out. To choose to keep coming back week after week, to me shows courage, commitment and determination. Regardless of whether you think Sanjaya’s a good singer, you have to give him credit for his pluck factor.

I think Sanjaya Malakar’s parents have done an excellent job of parenting this particular teen.

American Idol, Sanjaya, Sanjaya Malakar, Simon Cowell, Paula Abdul, Randy Jackson, parenting teens, parenting teenagers, teens, teenagers

For years, we’ve put our teens unusual behavior down to hormones and peer pressure. However, as it turns out, that may not be all there is to it! The Atlanta Journal-Constitution ran this front-page story on November 4:

What’s The (Gray) Matter With Teens?

It’s a very interesting article (with video) on brain development, presenting studies that suggest a teen’s brain is not as developed as an adult brain. It can give you some great insight into your teen’s mind, and why they make the decisions they make.

It might also be useful if you want to go back and explain some of your teenage behavior to your own parents. Give it a look!

brain development, teens, teen judgment, decision making, Atlanta Journal-Constitution

When should you allow your teen to begin dating? This is a question faced by every parent sooner or later. Opinions vary widely. If your teen wants to date someone at 13, should you allow it? Or should you insist that they wait until age 16? Or is there some other “magic” age that you have in mind?

First, you might have a talk with your teenager about what they consider to be “dating”. Some younger teens consider dating or “going with someone” to be mainly the contact they have at school. They may enjoy working on class projects together, or just hanging out together at lunch or recess. Knowing what your teen considers “dating” to be may help to lessen your stress about the situation.

Some concerns parents have include:

* Is my child responsible enough for dating?

* Will early dating lead to early sexual experimentation?

* Will my teen be safe on a date?

These are all valid parental concerns about teen dating.

David Elkind, professor of child study at Tufts University, and author of The Hurried Child lists several reasons why early dating (before age 14) can be a problem. Among these are that relationship skill may stay superficial. Boys and girls may use the impressions of relationships they see on TV and movies as guidelines for relationships. They may imitate the behavior of those relationships, rather than developing a real relationship with the other person.

Also, they may spend less time with same-sex friends. These relationships help teens learn many skills about getting along with others. These skills may not be developed as well if they begin dating early.

In addition, their personal identity may be underdeveloped at this age. People need a sense of personal identity in order to become close to another person. If a teen does not really know his or her likes and dislikes, and values, they may not be able to relate to a person in a healthy way.

Younger teens are more vulnerable to peer pressure. They may be pressured by partner into an early sexual relationship, if they begin to date too early. Research shows that teens who become sexual active early may have more difficulty in later relationships.

Dr. Elkind believes that 14 or 15 is the earliest age at which teens should start dating. Prior to those ages, parents can do several things to resist their teen’s pressure for early dating. Suggest group activities, such as sitting together at ball games and other school events. Have a frank discussion with your teen about your reasons for not wanting him/her to date early. Encourage your teen to be active in hobbies and activities that he/she enjoys, and stay involved with where your child is and what he/she is doing.

When your teenager does begin to date, set rules to help him or her get along better in dating situations. Set reasonable curfews. Not too early to allow time for conventional dates like movies or ball games. Not too late to allow your teen a lot of time afterward to be in an unsupervised situation. Set reasonable consequences as to what happens if your teen does not get home on time.

Plan activites such as inviting your teen’s date to a family dinner or out to a movie with the whole family. Allow some dates to take place at home, watching TV or movies, or playing video games, rather than going out. Allow reasonable amounts of time for talking on the phone, instead of always going out.

Keep lines of communication open with your teen, so that they will feel comfortable talking with you about dating situations. Above all, realize that parents are still one of the strongest influences in their teens’ lives. Your continuing involvement and participation in your teen’s life can help him or her to develop strong, healthy relationships with both sexes.

Source: The Hurried Child, David Elkind, Addison-Wesley

teen dating, teenagers, parents, parent involvement, relationships

This past week, I found a new reason to be proud of my 16-year-old daughter. She went to her school’s homecoming dance alone. Now, that may not seem like a big deal to some of you. It didn’t to her. “Mom, it’s no big deal. Lots of girls do it!”

To me, as a mom, it shows a lot of independence and strength of character. When I was 16 a girl wouldn’t dare show up at a school dance without a date at my high school. She would have been some sort of social outcast and been ostracized for the rest of her high school years!

Now, I know things are a little more relaxed these days. No one stones a girl for dressing Goth, or totally ostracizes her for being into math and science. But, from my point of view, I can’t help being impressed with my daughter.

I now daughters of friends and relatives who would be mortified to have to admit that they don’t have a boyfriend right now! They jump from one guy to another, simply because they think they have to be seeing someone to be okay in their own little social circle. It can be a vicious cycle in high school.

I think, what it really amounts to, is that I’m proud of my daughter’s ability not to knuckle under to peer pressure. If she can do something like this (even if she does say it’s “no big deal,” she’s a lot more likely to say “no” to alcohol and drugs, and to guys pressuring her for sex when she’s not ready. All this really means a lot to a mom.

peer pressure, teen socializing, teens, teenagers, high school