Parenting Teens

An oath doesn’t just mean swearing at your teen when you don’t think you can take their behavior any more! Aurelia Williams, a certified life coach over at Parenting My Teen has an oath for parents to sign, promising to not only take care of your teen, but also to listen, and to value your teen’s opinions and attitudes.

Parent/teen contracts have become very popular for things such as driving, behavior, etc. Why not sign a contract with yourself promising good parenting skills and actions? Following is a copy of the Parenting My Teen oath. Go to the Parenting My Teen website for lots of other helpful information on parenting teenagers.

The Parenting My Teen Oath

As a loving and devoted parent of a teenager, I vow to do the following:

o Communicate Effectively - I will no longer lecture, but instead I will discuss issues with my teenager in a way that he/she can understand. I will do what is necessary to help my teen learn and grow from our discussions.

o Enter My Teen’s World - I will stay aware of the music my teen listens to and the websites they visit. I will learn who my teen’s friends are and will meet as many of them as possible.

o Enhance My Awareness - I will constantly remain aware of the changes in my teen’s physical, emotional & educational well-being. Upon noticing any changes that concern me, I will communicate the concern with my teen.

o Connect - I realize that I am the best defense my teen has against peer pressure. I will spend quality time with my teen to strengthen our bond. I will talk with my teen daily about his/her feelings, thoughts and encounters.

o Set Rules & Follow Through - I have clearly explained the rules and the consequences of breaking the rules to my teen. I will follow through with the consequences, always.

o Focus on the Positive - I will encourage my teen by providing him/her with positive feedback on their behavior, attitude, achievements, etc.

o Listen - I will listen (not just hear, but really listen) to what my teen is saying. If I don’t understand fully I will ask questions until I do.
o Vigilance - I will never give up on my teen. If times of trouble arise, that I cannot fix on my own, I will seek help.

o Express My Love – No matter what happens, I will tell my teen each and every day that I love them.

___________________________________________ __________________________
Parent(s) Signature Date

If you are the parent of a child of any age, particular teenagers and preteens, you are probably concerned about drugs. And you should be. Drugs are rampant today. You can’t read a newspaper or watch a local TV newscast without seeing and hearing stories involving arrests for possession or selling of drugs, or crimes committed by people who were drug users.

Drugs are on school campuses from elementary school to college. Don’t be fooled into thinking that it isn’t happening in your child’s school. So, what can you do to help prevent your child from having problems with drugs? Active Parenting Publishers, which offers many great publications on parenting, has a poster with the following ten roles parents can play in preventing problems with drugs, sexuality, and violence. Please visit their site. They offer many great books and other tools for parents, kids, and teachers.

1. PARENTS AS ROLE MODELS Be a positive role model. Children learn best by example.

2. PARENTS AS EDUCATORS AND INFORMATION RESOURCES Be informed about drugs, sexuality and violence–and talk with your child.

3. PARENTS AS POLICY-MAKERS AND RULE-SETTERS Make rules–for example, “No use of illegal drugs by anyone in the family, and no use of alcohol or nicotine by anyone under the legal age”–and enforce them.

4. PARENTS AS STIMULATORS Encourage your child to take part in hobbies, school activities and sports. Get involved. Play fun family activities.

5. PARENTS AS CONSULTANTS AND EDUCATORS ON PEER PRESSURE “Just say no” is easier said than done. Teach your child to resist peer pressure without feeling foolish.

6. PARENTS AS MONITORS & SUPERVISORS Set and enforce curfews; know where your children are.

7. PARENTS AS COLLABORATORS WITH OTHER PARENTS Join with other parents to gain support and new ideas. There’s strength in numbers.

8. PARENTS AS IDENTIFIERS & CONFRONTERS Know how to identify drug use and other problems and confront your child when necessary.

9. PARENTS AS MANAGERS OF CHILDREN’S HEALTH Don’t delay–seek medical help if you suspect your child is engaged in unhealthy behavior. Trust your instincts!

10. PARENTS AS MANAGERS OF THEIR OWN FEELINGS Don’t blow up; don’t give up. You’re not guilty.

teens, teenagers, teens and drugs, teen drug use, teen drug abuse, teen sexuality, teen violence, parenting teens, parenting teenagers

In one of my recent web searches for news involving teenagers, I ran across a lot of disturbing news stories. One article, on Tennessean.com, involved a woman who was being held responsible for a number of teenagers drinking at her home. Here’s an excerpt:

Claudia D. Allen, 45, pleaded guilty to contributing to the delinquency of a minor on Tuesday, though she says she never condoned underage drinking. Allen had also been charged with violating the state’s liquor law for purchasing alcohol for a minor, but that charge was dropped.

Officer Brent Rose said he received a call on April 1 from a neighbor of Allen’s who suspected there were minors drinking at her home. Rose stated in a report that he arrived at Allen’s home, 2205 Winder Circle, and observed six teenagers, including her 17-year-old daughter, drinking on the back deck with her.

“There were two half-cases of Bud Light and a couple of mixed drinks,” Rose told The Tennessean. “There were around nine to 12 kids there.”

Rose said several of the teens ran toward a fence when they saw him. He caught two. Another officer found girls inside Allen’s home with alcoholic beverages, according to Rose.

The woman was sentenced to five days in jail, a year of probation, and fined $500, all the while protesting that the officer had lied, that she had never condoned the teenagers drinking, that someone else had brought the beer to her home, etc. A neighbor had called the police.

Parents drinking with their underage kids is disturbing enough. But the comments that this article received were even worse. Following is just a sampling of the comments.

“Another holier-than-thou, can’t keep his nose in his own business neighbor. I love you freakin’ moralists that have nothing better to do than condemn others. Kids are going to drink, we don’t need to condone it but we don’t need to act like it is a capital offense either. Any neighbor of mine who steps across the property line yelling and screaming at my guests best have packed a lunch, he is gonna be in for a long day.”

“This cop is a real *hole. This is harassment. And the neighbor needs to mind his own damn business.”

“You guys are judgemental losers. You were probably big goobers in high school and have painful memories of being left out by the kids who were having fun. Obviously you can’t handle your liquor if you think a 12-pack’s gonna get 10 kids drunk. Cop is a jerk, too, and the neighbor needs to get a life.”

This is but a small sample of the wonderfully enlightened and intelligent comments which were left by readers. Underage drinking being allowed by parents? And these people think those who put a stop to it were the ones in the wrong?

This is one of those “I don’t know what the world is coming to!” moments!

teens, teenagers, teen drinking, teenage drinking, underage drinking, parents, parenting, parenting teens, parenting teenagers

Recently, I ran across an article in the Atlanta Journal-Constitutionwhich brought a controversial issue up again for me. Should high school athletes by randomly tested for drugs? In my opinion, yes.

The story focused on the recent death of a high school quarterback in Georgia, who died in a car accident. The 17-year-old student was legally drunk and had cocaine in his system the night of his accident.

For many parents of teenagers, this brings up the issue of who is truly responsible for their children. I understand that issue. Being the parent of a 16-year-old myself, I feel that it is, ultimately, my responsibility to regulate my daughter’s behavior. That being said, however, when a child is representing the school by taking part in school-sponsored activities, I feel they have the responsibility to make sure the students representing them are doing so in a dignified and legal manner.

My daughter is not an athlete, but she does represent the school in marching band, as well as on the math and academic teams. If the school system decided to require drug testing for these activities, I would have no problem with it. No, I’m not in favor of taking away freedoms from our teenagers or anyone else. But I am in favor of teaching kids responsibility and, in my mind, showing them the consequences of participating in an illegal activity falls directly into that category.

The consequences for positive drug tests by schools mentioned in the Atlanta Journal-Constitution article were as follows:

First offense: mandatory follow-up testing and drug counseling with the student’s parents

Second offense: suspension from activity or sports for 30-45 days

Third offense: suspension from activity or sports for a year

I can promise you that, as a parent, the consequences I would hand out would be more severe. What about the rest of you out there? Do your teens participate in sports or activities where drug testing is required? Do you feel drug testing for school sports or other activities should be mandatory? Let me know how you feel.

teens, teenagers, teen athletics, high school athletics, drug testing, mandatory drug testing, high school sports, high school drug testing

When our children are elementary age and younger, most of us meet their teachers and other school personnel. There are usually a certain number of required parent-teacher conferences, school events, etc., which we attend. Also, when our kids are at those ages, we worry about how they are being treated, and if they are being protected from bullies, etc.

Throughout my daughter’s school career, though, I have noticed that a certain number of parents do not meet, or maintain a working relationship with, their children’s teachers-beginning in middle school and through high school. Getting to know your teen’s teachers is just as important at these grade levels. Here are a few reasons why:

1. Maintaining grades-older children are less likely to share their grades and progress with you, particularly
if the news is bad. Being in touch with a teacher via phone or email allows you to keep on top of any
problems they may be having, and to help deal with them if tutoring or more study time is needed.

2. Discipline problems-Again, teens are less likely to share any problems they may be having at school
with their parents. Whether a discipline problem is with your teen, or another teen who is
bullying or bothering your child, you need to be informed. When you can talk with teachers, principals,
or counselors about these things, you can be there to help your teen deal with them.

3. Career choices-High school students are on the verge of discovering what they will be doing with their
lives after school, whether it be work, college, the military, etc. Communicating with teachers and
counselors can give you a great deal of information about your teen’s interests and abilities. It can
give you valuable insight into helping your child make decisions that are right for them.

4. Getting to know your teen-Your child is changing fast and growing into an adult. Having other adults
discuss their impressions and insights about your teenager can help you get to know this maturing
maturing person that you have raised. You can appreciate things about your teen that you might not
have noticed yourself. The knowledge that teachers and other school personnel have about your teen
can help you transition from a strictly parental role in your child’s life to having a more adult relation-
ship with him or her.

These are a few reasons to continue having good parent/teacher relationships with your teen’s teachers. Make time to become acquainted with your teenager’s teachers, counselors, and principals. Find out contact information about them (phone numbers, email addresses), so that you can periodically ask how
your child is doing. There are many valuable reasons to do so.

teens, teenagers, tweens, school, high school, middle school, teachers, counselors, principals

Char over at Weary Parent has come up with a good Group Writing Project and Contest for parenting bloggers. She has challenged us to write about some advice that our parents or another influential adult gave us as teens, that we really took to heart.

I’ve received lots of really good advice from my parents over my lifetime. The advice I’d like to share was never really spoken, at least not that I remember. But it has been modeled for me over my entire life. It began when I was a child, but really began to sink in during my teen years.

That advice is to put family first. Both my parents have done this for as long as I remember. I know that my father worked jobs that he didn’t like-in fact, he downright hated them at times-because he had his family to support. He sacrificed doing things that he wanted to do, jobs that he might have enjoyed more, to work at jobs which gave him enough money to support a wife and three children. He’s retired now, but is always ready and willing to help us out with projects around the house, taking us somewhere if we have car problems-even offering us money if he feels we might need it.

My mother, who passed away four years ago, also sacrificed for her family. We were poor when I was growing up. I can remember many a time when my mother did not buy things that she, herself, really needed, to buy things for her children. No matter how tight the budget was, we always had our new school clothes and anything else we needed (and even things we just wanted), before she thought about buying things for herself. We went to the doctor for very minor illnesses, when she could have used the money to buy things which would have made her life easier. Even at the end, she thought more about how the rest of the family was reacting to her illness than about herself.

Since I’ve been a parent (and, particularly, now that I’m the parent of a teen), I’ve been trying hard to instill in my daughter that putting family first brings much richer rewards to one’s life than putting job or anything else first. We make trips to visit family and to family reunions sometimes at the expense of missing other things. We do this because we love family and we love seeing family. I bend my own schedule into a pretzel to be able to accomodate her activities and other family obligations.

More than any other piece of advice I could give her, I hope that my daughter retains this strong sense of family. It has brought wonderful richness and rewards to my life, and I know that it will to hers.

family, family relationships, advice, teen advice, parenting advice, teens, teenagers, parenting teens, parenting teenagers, Weary Parent

I have a guest columnist today-my 16-year-old daughter, Sarah. She’s going to be talking about her relationship with her stepfather. To me, the relationship looks pretty darn good, but I promised to stay out of it-other than to give this brief intro. So, without further ado, here’s Sarah to give you her thoughts.

My dad first came into my life when I was six years old. Of course, technically, he’s my stepdad, but I’ve always thought of him as just dad, ’cause he’s the only father I’ve ever known. My biological dad dropped out of our lives when I was one year old, so I don’t remember him.

My mom was going to college at the time and Richard (my dad) was one of her friends. She had a bunch of college friends who came over for study groups and stuff (mostly other parents who had gone back to college like her), so I was used to that. I liked Richard, but I didn’t think much about him other than that.

Then, after awhile, he started to come over for dinner on nights when there wasn’t any study group. And sometimes, he’d stay to watch movies with us. He’d talk to me and play with me, and I started liking him more. At some point, I started wondering if he’d be my dad.

My mom had told me that, someday, she might get married, and I’d have a dad. I hadn’t really thought about it much, though. As far back as I could remember there’d never been a dad in my life. I had my grandpa and my uncle, who both did lots of things with me, but, in our house, there had always been just my mom and me.

Then came the first time mom asked if it was okay if Richard came to a school program with us. I think it was an awards ceremony. I said sure, and asked her straight out if he was going to be my dad. I remember her saying, “Well, he and I have been talking about that, and we’d like to sit down and talk about it with you, too.” So, after that awards program, we all came home, sat down with bowls of ice cream and talked about becoming a family.

At that point, Richard and my mom had been friends for two years, and had been dating for a year. I was eight years old. They asked how I’d feel if Richard moved in with us, and became my dad. They told me I didn’t need to call him “dad” unless I felt comfortable doing it. But he’d live with us and come home every night just like my mom did. He’d be around to play and do things with me, and help me with my homework (of course, he’d been doing those things already).

I was happy having a dad at home with us, but nervous, too. It changed some things between my mom and me, and that was hard to adjust to, at first. Luckily, they were both there to talk with me, and to ask me how they could help. My mom also took me to a child psychologist for a few months. She was really cool and helped me see things differently.

That was eight years ago and, now, it seems Dad has always been in my life. He’s been here for me through everything. We’ve done lots of great things together. I spent two years racing junior dragsters, with Dad as my pit crew and mechanic! I think that was the most fun we’ve had together-so far!

He tells me that his favorite memory, up to this point, was the time I was talking to some other kids in an elementary school class. I pointed to him and said, “There’s my dad!” He says that’s the proudest moment of his life.

There’s no doubt in my mind that he’ll always be there for me. His not being my biological dad doesn’t matter. He’s here when I need something, and when I just want to talk. Those are the important things.

dad, dads, fathers, stepfathers, daughters, teens, teenagers, parenting teens, parenting teenagers

I found the following study results at New Scientist:

Celebrity worship may play an important part of growing up, suggest the results of a UK study.

Star-struck teens are generally emotionally well-adjusted and popular, with their celebrity interests forming a healthy part of adolescent development and bonding, say psychologists from the Universities of Leicester and Coventry.

However, those with extreme celebrity fascination, are likely to be lonely children without close attachments to friends or family, suggests the new study.

John Maltby and David Giles surveyed 191 English schoolchildren between the ages of 11 and 16. They found that those who avidly followed celebrities’ lives were the most popular.

For about 30 per cent of the children, gossiping about favourite celebrities with their peer group took up much of their social time. These children were found to have a particularly strong and close network of friends and to have created a healthy emotional distance from their parents.

“As children grow up, they start to transfer their attachment from parents to their peers. Celebrities start to take on the hero status role that their parents formerly fulfilled when the children were younger and it seems to be a healthy part of development,” explains Maltby, who led the study.

“The main function of celebrity attachments in adolescence may be as an extended social network - a group of ‘pseudo-friends’ who form the subject of peer gossip and discussion,” he told New Scientist. “The ongoing subject of celebrities’ lives can provide a valuable bonding tool among their friends, while enabling them to be emotionally autonomous from their parents.”
Mildly pathologic

Evolutionary psychologist Francisco Gil-White, from the University of Pennsylvania in Philadelphia, says humans have a biological predisposition towards recognising prestigious individuals and acting sycophantically towards them. “In the ancestral environment, prestigious individuals would be followed by people who wanted to gain information about successful living,” he says.

“Modern-day children who follow celebrities may be more popular because they are using this inbuilt mechanism to determine who and what is ‘cool’,” he suggests.

However, about eight per cent of the children surveyed were fanatically devoted to their celebrity “friends”. These children felt they had an intense personal relationship with the famous person, describing them as “soul mates”.

This type of celebrity worship was seen by the psychologists as more problematic and mildly pathologic. These children were lonely individuals with few friends, but also less attached to their parents.

“Intense attachment to celebrities was best predicted by low levels of security and closeness. It may be that intense relationships with celebrities develop during times of stress, or for individuals who are lonely or isolated, or lack social skills,” Maltby suggests.

Journal reference: Personality and Individual Differences (vol 36, p 813)

In light of the recent behavior by Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears, and other celebrities who have, typically, been teen favorites, all this is pretty disturbing. I’d hate being the parent of a celebrity! However, if I’d been the parent of any of these young ladies while they were still in their teens, you can bet that a lot more discipline would have been introduced into their lives. And none of them would have lasted a day around my own mother, who firmly believed in spankings!

Who do your teens idolize? What do you think of their choices? Share with the rest of us!

celebrities, teen idols, New Scientist, Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears, teen discipline, parenting teens, parenting teenagers

Char over at Weary Parent has been nominated for a Grasshopper New Media Parents Hot Stuff of the Week award!

She received the much-deserved nomination for her post 13 Things We Need to Teach Our Teens, written back on April 19, just after the tragedy at Virginia Tech. Here’s an excerpt from her post:

1. You can’t always be first
2. You can’t always win
3. Not everything in life will be easy
4. How to deal with bullies, mean people and rude people
5. How to cope with the end of a relationship or break up
6. How to resolve a dispute with a teacher, boss or other superior
7. We all make mistakes and can learn from them
8. How to ask for help
9. Signs that a friend or loved one may be suffering (from an addiction, depression, etal)
10. How to make decisions by weighing pros and cons
11. Not all gratification can be instant - some things are worth the wait
12. Everyone has something to contribute to society - it just might take a little exploration
13. How to be a good friend

Make sure you go and read her entire post. She’s a great parent blogger! Also, make sure you go and vote for her! You can vote at: Hot Stuff: Vote For Your Favorites. Char’s one of the best!

Grasshopper New Media, blog awards, Weary Parent, parenting teens and ‘tweens, Virginia Tech, teen values, teenagers’ values, parenting teens, parenting teenagers

Tracey over at Paris Hilton Watch is doing a great job keeping up with all Hilton’s latest antics. As a parent, however, I felt a strong urge to say something after hearing about Paris’ latest woes.

Hilton was recently sentenced to 45 days in jail after being caught driving on a suspended license, for the second time. Apparently, upon hearing that she would be required to spend all of about 23 actual days in jail (taking into account time off for good behavior, which I wouldn’t bet on with Paris Hilton), and spending it in a “special needs facility” separated from the general inmate population, poor Paris had a nervous breakdown! She immediately started a petition asking for a pardon from Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger (who reportedly said that he had not seen a petition, but that he had more important things to do, anyway)!

The most upsetting thing to me about all this is that there are still teen and preteen girls out there who still see Paris Hilton as a role model, and haven’t figured out that (even though she’s 26 now), most teens and preteens are more mature than Paris!

Apparently, this childish woman has NEVER learned that her actions have consequences, that she is not above the law, and that she must be responsible for herself. Parents, please, teach your children right from wrong. Teach them that they must pay for their mistakes.

Make them think that they are special, yes-but not so special that they can get away with things for which everyone else must take responsibility. Don’t let them reach the age of 26 thinking that money, fame, or anything else puts them above the law. The last thing we need is any more Paris Hiltons out there!

Paris Hilton, parents, parenting, Arnold Schwarzenegger, teens, teenagers, parenting teens, parenting teenagers

I’m getting on my soapbox today, about an issue that I’ve seen discussed a lot of places, but I don’t see any results from all the discussion!

Last night, I attended the annual Awards Night at my daughter’s high school (she brought home awards in Math and Band, her two favorite subjects!). The program we were handed at the door was very nicely done. You could tell that a lot of hard and thoughtful work had gone into it. The school auditorium and it’s lobby were nicely decorated. The refreshments served were delicious. The principal, teachers, administrators and invited guest speakers were articulate, friendly, and obviously enthusiastic and enjoying this program. The one thing that threw a monkey wrench into the evening was that only about half of the approximately two hundred students who were being honored with awards bothered to show up!

Now, I realize that there are emergencies and, sometimes, scheduling conflicts that people simply can’t work around. It’s impossible to attend every school event. However, I believe I lay this particular problem right where it belongs: at the feet of parents who are so apathetic and unimpressed with academic achievement that they do not encourage their kids to show up at such an important event!

I know a lot of the parents who have children at my daughter’s school. I talk with them when they do attend school events and during morning and afternoon dropoff and pickup times. I did not see quite a few parents and teens at the awards ceremony, who show up for every ball game! Even though they don’t have teens who are players, cheerleaders, or otherwise have to show up!

I have, at long last, reached some sort of breaking point when it comes to parties and sports being put before academic achievement! I have tolerated this for many years, even while fighting against it. My daughter has never been into athletics. From the start, her achievements have come in the classroom and in more academic extracurricular activities-the academic team and math team, for example.

It’s a wildly celebrated (though very rare) event when the football or basketball team makes it into the playoffs. In the past year alone, the varsity and junior varsity math teams brought home more trophies for the school than all the football and basketball teams combined have brought home in the last ten years! The school’s academic team is going to the national championship this year. Neither of these teams have been mentioned at all in our local newspaper, yet football and basketball scores are there the day after every game!

The sports teams have buses which transport them to every game all year. This year, the math teams and academic teams had bus transportation to only about half of their competitions. The rest of the time, parents provided the transportation and paid entrance fees for their kids to compete. The sports teams have their uniforms provided. The math team members and parents did two fundraisers, just to be able to buy t-shirts for the team.

It’s not like I don’t know this inequality hasn’t existed for a long time. As I said, I’ve lived with it. And I enjoy a good ball game as much as anyone. But something about people not showing up to celebrate their children’s academic achievements when they show up for sporting events finally made me snap!

I’m sure there are some out there who share my viewpoint, and some who do not. Please let me hear from you about this! If I haven’t put you off with my ravings, that is!

public schools, academic achievements, academic awards, math, science, education, public education, education funding, parent apathy, parenting teens, parenting teenagers

Most of you who are parents of teens probably remember the “Home Alone” movies, and all the trouble one kid managed to get into, when left alone! One of the poll questions over at ClubMom (where they have lots of interesting subjects and information, no matter what the age of your kids) deals with letting your teenager stay at home alone for a few days. Would you or wouldn’t you?

It’s an interesting question. What do you picture in your mind’s eye when you think about your teenager home alone for a couple of days? Do you see a quiet time of doing homework, listening to music, watching movies and eating? Do you see your teen staying out until all hours, doing who knows what?

Do you picture a huge, wild party, with the house ending up in shambles, people drinking and taking drugs, and the police being called? Or do you maybe picture a wild party of just two, with your teen’s boyfriend/girlfriend staying over the entire time, and a possible pregnancy ensuing?

Personally, this question gave me a pause. I’d have to say that I would probably wouldn’t leave my daughter alone for a few days. Not because I don’t trust her, or I see ANY kind of wild party going on, but because of the possibility of crime. We live in a pretty nice neighborhood, but houses are still broken into occasionally. And it has happened when people are at home.

Now, my daughter likes a good time as well as the next teen, but her ideas of a good time are a bit tame. I’m sure she’d love to throw a party with the parents away. However, her parties usually consist of movies, music and video games. I know her friends well. Probably, about the wildest thing that would happen would be a few beers brought in by some of the guys. Now, I’m not crazy about that idea, and someone would definitely pay when I got home!

But I can think of a lot worse things happening if someone did break into the house when she was alone. Or, if she had some kind of accident and was unable to call for help. All the usual things come to mind. Now, statistically, I realize there’s probably less of a chance of anything like that happening, than there is that she would have a wild party! However, that doesn’t stop me worrying about it!

How would you feel about leaving your teen home alone for a few days? Would you do it? Why or why not?

teens, teenagers, teen parties, teens alone, parenting teens, parenting teenagers

Although we rightly worry about our teenagers’ online safety, a new study done by Pew Internet & American Life Project may provide us with a little hope. Apparently, many teenagers who frequent social networking sites such as MySpace and Facebook omit sensitive information in their profiles, such as their last names, addresses and phone numbers.

The study, titled Teens, Privacy and Online Social Networks was conducted by Pew between Oct.23-Nov.19, 2006. It surveyed 935 teens, ages 12-17. The following are the things teens said they revealed about themselves in online profiles:

When I first started writing for 451 Press in October, 2006, I was intrigued by the title of another blog in the network. It’s called Long Relationships. It’s actually about long romantic relationships, and RA does a great job of blogging about the ups and downs, ins and outs of day to day life in a relationship. Check it out! There’s some great stuff over there and, after all, couldn’t we all use all the help we can get in that area?!

When I first saw the title, though (given that I was blogging about parenting), I thought of all the different types of long relationships a person has throughout their life-relationships with pets, friends, parents and children. After all, when you think about it, isn’t the longest relationship of your life with your parents? They’re there from the time you’re born! It may not always be a good relationship. These relationships have their ups and downs just like any other and, if we’re all honest with ourselves, we all know about the downs!

Then, as parents ourselves, there are our relationships with our own children. These, too, are very long relationships, seeing as how they begin with the births of our children and end (hopefully) when we die. Good relationships with our children don’t just happen. They are built, nurtured and worked on-just as are good long-term romantic relationships. I think, sometimes, parents forget this. Our children are separate, unique personalities. We have to get to know them, the same way we get to know a romantic partner-by talking, doing things together, sharing life experiences, etc.

Getting to know your kids, especially teenagers, can be a very unique and rewarding experience. My own daughter is 16 years old. The more time goes by, the more I grow to appreciate her as a person. She has a unique sense of style, talents I wouldn’t have dreamed of (since some of them are talents I’ve never had), and her own opinions on things like politics, social issues, etc. She’s not just a younger version of me, and, though she obeys me (for the most part!), she doesn’t always do it unquestioningly. I’ve learned to listen to her reasons for questioning me, and for disobeying me.

Working to build this relationship is sometimes different for both of us. Though there are things we have in common, there are also things we most definitely don’t have in common, so we’ve learned to have our time apart, but we’ve also learned that, sometimes, we have to endure some things just because the other enjoys it. My daughter, for example, (like lots of other teenage girls) loves to spend hours shopping at the mall. I can spend an hour or so there, but after two hours, I start to grit my teeth at the thought of going into yet another clothing store! But I do it at times, just because she loves it and watching her shop can be quite an experience!

There is music we both like (Daughtry, John Mayer, Aerosmith, and The Beatles, e.g.), and then music that one of listens to, but the other would rather hang their head out the window of the car than hear! There’s TV we both like (The Gilmore Girls, American Idol, e.g.), and then TV that makes one of us prefer to do housework while the other watches.

At this point, we both have a fairly good idea of each other’s likes and dislikes. We also have a pretty good record of listening to, and respecting, each other’s opinions. It’s a good relationship, overall, and my life is much fuller because of it. Even when there are bad times, I’m very glad that it’s here.

How’s your long relationship with your teenager? Spend some time this weekend evaluating it and trying to make it better. It will be one of the longest relationships of your life. Make it a good one.

parenting teens, parenting teenagers, relationships, long relationships, Daughtry, John Mayer, Aerosmith, The Beatles, The Gilmore Girls, American Idol

It seems as though we hear about school shootings every day. This one was reported by the Chicago Sun-Times and took place at the Chicago Vocational Career Academy.

Apparently, a teen brought a 9mm Ruger to school and was playing with it in a classroom when the gun went off, going through the thigh of the student, and into the thigh of the student sitting next to him. The 15-year-old student who brought the gun panicked, ran outside bleeding and threw the gun away. He later led police to the gun. The student who brought the gun to school was treated and released. The other student is in stable condition.

According to the article, swiping in each morning is required at the school, and neither student had done so that day. The student who brought the gun had also missed an earlier class where attendance had been taken. One theory for how the gun got in is that someone opened an outside door for the student carrying the gun.

This makes the third shooting at the school this year. It is the system’s largest school, covering approximately a block. Teachers and students report that the school does not have enough security.

There have always been some students who thought of school as prison. Schools such as this one make it almost a reality. Never knowing when a violent incident will occur. Swiping in to school each morning. Metal detectors. One of the biggest problems at the school being that there is not enough security. Doesn’t this sound more like a prison than a school to you?

One of the things I always want to know in a case like this is-where were this student’s parents? How did a 15-year-old get his hands on a gun to take to school without his parents knowing?

As a social worker, I was often accused of being too rough on parents. But my position has always been that parents are responsible for their children. I will continue to hold that position. It is not the school’s job to see that teens do not bring guns to school. It is their parents’ and guardians’ responsibility.

Schools have enough problems educating our children. It should not be their responsibility to police them as well. It takes up resources that could, otherwise, be used for education. When will parents take back responsibility for their children?

school shootings, school violence, Chicago Sun-Times, Chicago, Chicago Vocational Career Academy, parental responsibility, parenting teens, parenting teenagers