Parenting Teens

Do you have a teenager with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD)? Does he or she often feel overwhelmed. For most of us, the feeling of being overwhelmed comes along with a big project or some kind of stressful event. For a teen with ADHD, that overwhelming feeling can come with something as simple as doing homework, or planning how to use weekend time.

Another concern is school projects, such as book reports, presentations-anything that will take more than a few hours to complete. The fact that it must be done in steps over a period of time adds to the problem. How do you help your teen address such issues?

For overwhelming nightly homework, help your teenager choose the first assignment to do. If possible, choose an assignment which they enjoy, find easy to do, or that is short. This will be faster to complete, and will help them feel a sense of accomplishment at completing the task, which can raise their level of confidence. When your child is working on an assignment, have him/her put everything else away, and simply concentrate on the task at hand. No distractions. This can make homework go much more smoothly for an ADHD child.

For larger projects, break down the larger project into its smaller steps, and schedule the entire project on a calendar. Perhaps you will want to keep the calendar out of your teen’s sight, so that the sight of the entire project doesn’t give them that overwhelmed feeling again! On a calendar that your teen has access to, write down one item at a time on the date it needs to be completed. This way, he/she has only one item to concentrate on-not a bunch of tasks over a large period of time. After they have completed the task on the calendar, you can mark it off as finished, and add another task.

To help a teen manage weekend time, assist them in making out a schedule. First, schedule time for things which must be done, such as chores and homework. If they have outings with friends or groups, put those into the schedule at the proper times. Helping your ADHD teen get into the habit of planning and allocating their time is a skill they will use for the rest of their lives. Helping them do it now will make it easier for teenagers when they go away to college.

If you have a teen or other child with ADHD and have any tips for the rest of us, please let us know in the comments!

Check out Mental & Emotional Health for other good tips.

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The chances are good that your teen or tween has a cell phone. According to Linda Barrabee, a wireless market analyst for The Yankee Group, 56% of 13-to-17-year-olds have cell phones, compared to just 5% in the year 2000. What are kids doing with all those phones?

Originally, cell phones were used to make calls in case of emergency. A car broke down or you were stuck at a meeting somewhere. Cell phones eliminated the need to make sure you had quarters for the pay phone, and that you could find a pay phone when you needed one! Great idea, right!

That was until teenagers became one of the primary markets for cell phone manufacturers. Now you can do anything with a cell phone. Not only can you make calls and send text messages, you can take pictures, surf the web, play video games, watch movies and music videos (although those tiny screens are murder!). The cell phone has become a mini-computer-much smaller and easier to carry than a laptop.

My 17-year-old uses her cell phone primarily for texting friends. By paying an extra ten dollars per month, she gets unlimited texting. That’s actually a bargain, considering the amount of texting she does. She does use it to stay in touch with me when she’s at afterschool activities, on school trips, or just out shopping. She does that with actual phone calls. I just can’t get into texting. Call me an old fogey, but all those text abbreviations bug me (bff-best friend forever, idk-i don’t know). I just prefer to use whole words!

However, with cell phones being put to so many uses these days, some parents are becoming concerned about the kinds of things their kids have access to on them. At home, you can monitor your kids’ computer usage and block sites that you don’t want them to visit. It’s not so easy on their cell phones.

More and more cell phone manufacturers are seeing the need to give parents some control over what their kids have access to via a phone. Erinn, over at Parenting Our Children has a review of a new phone that allows parents to decide when the phone will be on and what features kids will be allowed to use.

If your tweens and teens carry cell phones, you might want to look into any controls that your company or phone allows you to have over your kids’ phone usage. These days, strangers have access to your kids via their cell phones. And that’s not a good thing.

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I belong to several groups dealing with parenting teenagers. The other day, the subject of discrimination against the mentally handicapped came up in one of those groups. One mother of a young teen in middle school brought up the report by her daughter that the word “retard” was used all the time by students at her school. Students apparently used the word as an adjective and as a derogatory remark against other students.

This member has a two-and-a-half year old nephew who has Down’s Syndrome. Her daughter is very close to her cousin, and was angered and hurt by the casual use of this word among her fellow students. We were all upset that this word would be used so callously by young teens. The girl’s parent felt that, since their school district sent all mentally handicapped students to one particular school, the causal use of this word was a result of these students not being exposed to their peers with mental disabilities. I have other ideas.

I place this squarely with the parents of students who would use such hurtful and derogatory remarks. As parents, we have a responsibility to teach our children to have compassion for others and to respect their feelings. The use of such words is, to me, a clear example that parents have not taught their children such compassion. Now, I realize that children can pick up on a word used by a peer and repeat it, sometimes not realizing how hurtful it can be. But such word use does not, originally, come from a vacuum. Children pick up on parents and other family members who do not have care and compassion for others. They will mimic not only words, but actions.

As a group we discussed this mother going to the school administration and/or the counseling office and requesting that the children receive some sensitivity training in this area. I’d suggest the same thing to any of you who have teens or any age children in a school where this type of thing goes on. It won’t stop all of the children from using such hurtful words, but it will reach some, who will realize that they are hurting the feelings of others. And be sure that you talk with teens, and any age children, about compassion and respecting others’ feelings.

The above Youtube video is a heartfelt speech by a high school student with a mentally handicapped sister. He talks about how he has learned more about life and love from his sister than from any classroom. Watch it, and share it with your teens. It has some very valuable lessons.

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Have you been following the controversy over nude pictures of 18-year-old “High School Musical” star Vanessa Hudgens? Seems nude photos of her have been leaked on the internet. Miss Hudgens has apologized for the photos, saying the following:

I want to apologize to my fans, whose support and trust means the world to me. I am embarrassed over this situation, and regret having ever taken these photos. I am thankful for the support of my family and friends.

What’s been interesting to read are some of the comments made about Miss Hudgens and the photos. Over at iVillage, the comments have run gamut from “She’s 18 years old, and these photos were done in private, so get over it!” to “Her career with Disney is over.” One of my favorite comments gave the opinion that “the world is not such an innocent place any more.”

What would your feelings as a parent be if a friend of your teen had nude photos on the internet? What if your own teen did? Personally, if my almost-17-year-old daughter has to apologize for nude pictures of her appearing on the web when she’s 18, it better be one “heck” of an apology!

It’s true that the world is not such an innocent place any more. I don’t necessarily think that’s a good thing. And I firmly believe that, whether or not they are considered legal adults, not all 18-year-olds are capable of making good decisions. These are the same 18-year-olds that are calling us from college because they need money, or they need mom to do their laundry next week! They’re having trouble with their coursework, and they need tutoring. We worry whether or not they’re living on pizza and cheeseburgers and never eating a green vegetable!

Sure, some of them are more mature than others. And if you think your daughter is capable of handling the kind of attention that comes with published nude photos of herself, and you’re okay with that-that’s up to you. Personally, I’m going to be here mourning that “more innocent” world we have lost-just for a little while!

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For once, I’m going to recommend a book that I haven’t even read yet! Based on Newsweek’s interview with author Diana West, The Death of the Grown-up sounds like a fascinating book. Here’s a reprint of the interview:

NEWSWEEK: First, can you clarify how you are defining the term “grown-up”?
Diana West: What I’m mostly trying to define is the change in attitudes toward growing up. Reading Lionel Trilling, I was struck by what he saw. He noted the complete eradication of the notion of making a life with a beginning, middle and end. That would be the sea change, that aspiration has disappeared. It used to be a reflexive action to reject your growing years. People were expected to grow out of adolescence and lose certain traits such as the self-absorption, lack of identity and striving of a young person to find himself. We as a society no longer expect to find ourselves, it’s become an open-ended process.

Can you give an example of how you see adults behaving like adolescents?
Recently, the New York Times Style section’s lead story was about how “The Boys in the Band are in AARP” [American Association of Retired People], about retired men starting garage bands. It’s like a morphing of what was once considered countercultural with the most mainstream, middle-class, stalwart members of the community. That kind of image really encapsulates the phenomenon and shows how society thinks that it is completely unremarkable.

So are we really talking about the death of the adult male?
Where womanhood stands today is deeply affected by the death of grown-up. I would say the sexualized female is part of the phenomenon I’m talking about, so I don’t think they’re immune to the death of the grown-up. Women are still emulating young fashion. Where sex is more available, there are no longer the same incentives building toward married life, which once was a big motivation toward the maturing process.

You write that “it was during the period of peace, prosperity and bright futures that followed World War II that the adult began to ape the adolescent.” Do you think the experience of war is necessary for the maturing process?
I wouldn’t say war is a necessary experience, though it certainly is a transformative experience. The question is, what is the formative experience to make a perpetual adolescent? When you talk about the postwar period, the vast new affluence is a big factor in reorienting the culture to adolescent desire. You see a shift in cultural authority going to the young. Instead of kids who might take a job to be able to help with household expenses, all of a sudden that pocket money was going into the manufacture of a massive new culture. That conferred such importance to a period of adolescence that had never been there before.

Hasn’t there always been a culture clash between generations?
The main difference is that the counterbalance has been lost. When you come up with the latest outrage that seems to shock people—something like kids freak-dancing at the prom—the adults tend to retreat, talk amongst themselves, wring their hands, but never exercise the power they have as mentors and parents and teachers. They never instruct kids in basic civility, in basic male-female relationships. You lose your power when you don’t exercise it. The adults today have no confidence. I remember being at a high-school party, and at 12 o’clock the mother comes into the middle of the room and blows a police whistle and says, “Thank you for coming, goodnight.” What parent would do that today? It’s the same thing with the spring-break syndrome, where kids are planning expensive trips, going out unchaperoned, they are drinking, debauching, absolutely running amok, yet the parents say, “I can’t do anything about it.” Parents have abdicated responsibilities to give in to adolescent desire.

You quote the cultural critic Neil Postman (“Amusing Ourselves to Death”) saying that prior to literate adulthood, “everyone shared the same information environment.” Could we be seeing a return to that today, with the Internet allowing everyone access to the same information?
I think the Internet comes late to the game. It magnifies the ideas. The Internet is not a cause of the death of the grown-up, but maybe an extension, in the sense that it opened up the boundaries of accessibility to information. But so much of what we consider to be sophistication is just exposure, not really experience or achievement. This sort of exposure can be jading but not enriching.

What I hear you saying is that kids have become more adult in their behaviors just as adults have become more childlike. Is it the death of the grown-up, or the end of childhood?
It’s kind of like a blending that ends up yielding neither one nor the other. There is this sense of wanting to stay young, wanting to stay open, unformed, not wanting Lionel Trilling’s shaped life. You see quite a number of men and women aping the young in terms of everyday clothing, 10-year-olds and 50-year-olds are wearing chunky athletic shoes, T shirts and shorts, and they’re looking the same. It used to be a mark of passage when boys stopped wearing short pants. There’s not really a popular culture that’s geared toward adults. Will it stay with us forever? Will it be something we look back on as a funny blip? I don’t know, but I think it is something new.

I agree with most of the things Ms. West says in this interview. And I believe that one of the reasons for the erosion of parental authority over teenagers is that parents seem “less grown-up” to their teens that my own parents seemed to me. It often does seem that, when I was a teen, no matter the size of the kid, you could tell parent from child merely by the clothes they were wearing. Now, my daughter and I tend to wear the same styles-mostly jeans and tops.

However, clothes are only an outward sign. I think one of the biggest problems is this fear that many parent seem to have to really discipline their kids. Adolescents have become a group with a lot of power, while parents seem to have less authority over them. And parents need to take back that authority.

I can’t wait to get my copy of this book! How do you feel about your authority over your children? Does it seem to you that teens and adults have become more “blended” and that the lines are becoming blurred? Is this a bad or good thing? Let me know how you feel.

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As a parent, do you do everything possible to assist in your teen’s education? Do you participate in school activities and parent organizations? Do you attend parent/teacher conferences and accept suggestions about what you can do to help in seeing that your teen gets the best education possible?

Teachers (and many parents) have long been concerned that parents are not involved enough when it comes to their children’s education-particularly in high school. The National PTA has a list of ten things that teachers most wish parents would do to become involved.

* Be involved. Parent involvement helps students learn, improves schools, and helps teachers work with you to help your children succeed.

* Provide resources at home for learning. Utilize your local library, and have books and magazines available in your home. Read with your children each day.

* Set a good example. Show your children by your own actions that you believe reading is both enjoyable and useful. Monitor television viewing and the use of videos and game systems.

* Encourage students to do their best in school. Show your children that you believe education is important and that you want them to do their best.

* Value education and seek a balance between schoolwork and outside activities. Emphasize your children’s progress in developing the knowledge and skills they need to be successful both in school and in life.

* Recognize factors that take a toll on students’ classroom performance:
1. Consider the possible negative effects of long hours at after-school jobs or in extracurricular activities. Work with your children to help them maintain a balance between school responsibilities and outside commitments.
2. View drinking and excessive partying as serious matters. While most parents are concerned about drug abuse, many fail to recognize that alcohol, over-the-counter drugs, and common substances used as inhalants are more frequently abused than illegal drugs.

* Support school rules and goals. Take care not to undermine school rules, discipline, or goals.

* Use pressure positively. Encourage children to do their best, but don’t pressure them by setting goals too high or by scheduling too many activities.

* Call teachers early if you think there’s a problem while there is still time to solve it. Don’t wait for teachers to call you.

* Accept your responsibility as parents. Don’t expect the school and teachers to take over your obligations as parents. Teach children self-discipline and respect for others at home — don’t rely on teachers and schools to teach these basic behaviors and attitudes.

Do you do these things, or at least some of them? Do you feel you’re involved enough in your teen’s schooling and eduction? Read over these suggestions carefully and start doing at least one that you’re not doing now. Your child will benefit, and so will you!

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As a social worker who once worked with juvenile populations, the term “troubled teen” troubles me! Troubled seems to be such a catch-all word. Teenagers can be troubled in so many different areas, making this a blanket term, which gives no vital information into what kinds of problems a teenager may be facing.

Having said that, I feel the teen in this brief article from the Atlanta Journal-Constitution really is troubled.

Henry County police said a Luella High School student who reported being stabbed this morning actually cut himself and faces possible charges.

Capt. Jason Bolton said the 16-year-old male is cooperating with detectives. Bolton said the teenager, who was not identified because of his age, could be charged with making a false report of a crime.

Police said the teenager arrived late to his first class of the day and told his teacher he’d been stabbed as he entered a portable classroom. The student was airlifted to Grady Memorial Hospital, where doctors determined the cuts were superficial and non life-threatening, police said.

The knife believed used in the incident was found on school grounds, Bolton said, but he declined to further identify it.

A teen must really need attention badly to do something like this. Now, I am not blaming his parents. Teens are not known for always readily talking about their problems to anyone, let alone their parents! But I have to wonder if no one-parents, teachers, friends-noticed that this teen was really upset in some way. Had there been difficult changes in his life? Was he teased and made fun of in school? Was he a loner who didn’t socialize with his peers or anyone else?

At least in this case, he did not turn his feelings onto someone else and stab fellow students or teachers. But I feel a very deep sorrow for this young man, and for his parents. He needs help, and I hope this is a wake-up call for his parents, teachers, and others around him to see that he gets it. I can’t help wondering how many other teens out there are in similar situations.

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An oath doesn’t just mean swearing at your teen when you don’t think you can take their behavior any more! Aurelia Williams, a certified life coach over at Parenting My Teen has an oath for parents to sign, promising to not only take care of your teen, but also to listen, and to value your teen’s opinions and attitudes.

Parent/teen contracts have become very popular for things such as driving, behavior, etc. Why not sign a contract with yourself promising good parenting skills and actions? Following is a copy of the Parenting My Teen oath. Go to the Parenting My Teen website for lots of other helpful information on parenting teenagers.

The Parenting My Teen Oath

As a loving and devoted parent of a teenager, I vow to do the following:

o Communicate Effectively - I will no longer lecture, but instead I will discuss issues with my teenager in a way that he/she can understand. I will do what is necessary to help my teen learn and grow from our discussions.

o Enter My Teen’s World - I will stay aware of the music my teen listens to and the websites they visit. I will learn who my teen’s friends are and will meet as many of them as possible.

o Enhance My Awareness - I will constantly remain aware of the changes in my teen’s physical, emotional & educational well-being. Upon noticing any changes that concern me, I will communicate the concern with my teen.

o Connect - I realize that I am the best defense my teen has against peer pressure. I will spend quality time with my teen to strengthen our bond. I will talk with my teen daily about his/her feelings, thoughts and encounters.

o Set Rules & Follow Through - I have clearly explained the rules and the consequences of breaking the rules to my teen. I will follow through with the consequences, always.

o Focus on the Positive - I will encourage my teen by providing him/her with positive feedback on their behavior, attitude, achievements, etc.

o Listen - I will listen (not just hear, but really listen) to what my teen is saying. If I don’t understand fully I will ask questions until I do.
o Vigilance - I will never give up on my teen. If times of trouble arise, that I cannot fix on my own, I will seek help.

o Express My Love – No matter what happens, I will tell my teen each and every day that I love them.

___________________________________________ __________________________
Parent(s) Signature Date

If you are the parent of a child of any age, particular teenagers and preteens, you are probably concerned about drugs. And you should be. Drugs are rampant today. You can’t read a newspaper or watch a local TV newscast without seeing and hearing stories involving arrests for possession or selling of drugs, or crimes committed by people who were drug users.

Drugs are on school campuses from elementary school to college. Don’t be fooled into thinking that it isn’t happening in your child’s school. So, what can you do to help prevent your child from having problems with drugs? Active Parenting Publishers, which offers many great publications on parenting, has a poster with the following ten roles parents can play in preventing problems with drugs, sexuality, and violence. Please visit their site. They offer many great books and other tools for parents, kids, and teachers.

1. PARENTS AS ROLE MODELS Be a positive role model. Children learn best by example.

2. PARENTS AS EDUCATORS AND INFORMATION RESOURCES Be informed about drugs, sexuality and violence–and talk with your child.

3. PARENTS AS POLICY-MAKERS AND RULE-SETTERS Make rules–for example, “No use of illegal drugs by anyone in the family, and no use of alcohol or nicotine by anyone under the legal age”–and enforce them.

4. PARENTS AS STIMULATORS Encourage your child to take part in hobbies, school activities and sports. Get involved. Play fun family activities.

5. PARENTS AS CONSULTANTS AND EDUCATORS ON PEER PRESSURE “Just say no” is easier said than done. Teach your child to resist peer pressure without feeling foolish.

6. PARENTS AS MONITORS & SUPERVISORS Set and enforce curfews; know where your children are.

7. PARENTS AS COLLABORATORS WITH OTHER PARENTS Join with other parents to gain support and new ideas. There’s strength in numbers.

8. PARENTS AS IDENTIFIERS & CONFRONTERS Know how to identify drug use and other problems and confront your child when necessary.

9. PARENTS AS MANAGERS OF CHILDREN’S HEALTH Don’t delay–seek medical help if you suspect your child is engaged in unhealthy behavior. Trust your instincts!

10. PARENTS AS MANAGERS OF THEIR OWN FEELINGS Don’t blow up; don’t give up. You’re not guilty.

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In one of my recent web searches for news involving teenagers, I ran across a lot of disturbing news stories. One article, on Tennessean.com, involved a woman who was being held responsible for a number of teenagers drinking at her home. Here’s an excerpt:

Claudia D. Allen, 45, pleaded guilty to contributing to the delinquency of a minor on Tuesday, though she says she never condoned underage drinking. Allen had also been charged with violating the state’s liquor law for purchasing alcohol for a minor, but that charge was dropped.

Officer Brent Rose said he received a call on April 1 from a neighbor of Allen’s who suspected there were minors drinking at her home. Rose stated in a report that he arrived at Allen’s home, 2205 Winder Circle, and observed six teenagers, including her 17-year-old daughter, drinking on the back deck with her.

“There were two half-cases of Bud Light and a couple of mixed drinks,” Rose told The Tennessean. “There were around nine to 12 kids there.”

Rose said several of the teens ran toward a fence when they saw him. He caught two. Another officer found girls inside Allen’s home with alcoholic beverages, according to Rose.

The woman was sentenced to five days in jail, a year of probation, and fined $500, all the while protesting that the officer had lied, that she had never condoned the teenagers drinking, that someone else had brought the beer to her home, etc. A neighbor had called the police.

Parents drinking with their underage kids is disturbing enough. But the comments that this article received were even worse. Following is just a sampling of the comments.

“Another holier-than-thou, can’t keep his nose in his own business neighbor. I love you freakin’ moralists that have nothing better to do than condemn others. Kids are going to drink, we don’t need to condone it but we don’t need to act like it is a capital offense either. Any neighbor of mine who steps across the property line yelling and screaming at my guests best have packed a lunch, he is gonna be in for a long day.”

“This cop is a real *hole. This is harassment. And the neighbor needs to mind his own damn business.”

“You guys are judgemental losers. You were probably big goobers in high school and have painful memories of being left out by the kids who were having fun. Obviously you can’t handle your liquor if you think a 12-pack’s gonna get 10 kids drunk. Cop is a jerk, too, and the neighbor needs to get a life.”

This is but a small sample of the wonderfully enlightened and intelligent comments which were left by readers. Underage drinking being allowed by parents? And these people think those who put a stop to it were the ones in the wrong?

This is one of those “I don’t know what the world is coming to!” moments!

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Recently, I ran across an article in the Atlanta Journal-Constitutionwhich brought a controversial issue up again for me. Should high school athletes by randomly tested for drugs? In my opinion, yes.

The story focused on the recent death of a high school quarterback in Georgia, who died in a car accident. The 17-year-old student was legally drunk and had cocaine in his system the night of his accident.

For many parents of teenagers, this brings up the issue of who is truly responsible for their children. I understand that issue. Being the parent of a 16-year-old myself, I feel that it is, ultimately, my responsibility to regulate my daughter’s behavior. That being said, however, when a child is representing the school by taking part in school-sponsored activities, I feel they have the responsibility to make sure the students representing them are doing so in a dignified and legal manner.

My daughter is not an athlete, but she does represent the school in marching band, as well as on the math and academic teams. If the school system decided to require drug testing for these activities, I would have no problem with it. No, I’m not in favor of taking away freedoms from our teenagers or anyone else. But I am in favor of teaching kids responsibility and, in my mind, showing them the consequences of participating in an illegal activity falls directly into that category.

The consequences for positive drug tests by schools mentioned in the Atlanta Journal-Constitution article were as follows:

First offense: mandatory follow-up testing and drug counseling with the student’s parents

Second offense: suspension from activity or sports for 30-45 days

Third offense: suspension from activity or sports for a year

I can promise you that, as a parent, the consequences I would hand out would be more severe. What about the rest of you out there? Do your teens participate in sports or activities where drug testing is required? Do you feel drug testing for school sports or other activities should be mandatory? Let me know how you feel.

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When our children are elementary age and younger, most of us meet their teachers and other school personnel. There are usually a certain number of required parent-teacher conferences, school events, etc., which we attend. Also, when our kids are at those ages, we worry about how they are being treated, and if they are being protected from bullies, etc.

Throughout my daughter’s school career, though, I have noticed that a certain number of parents do not meet, or maintain a working relationship with, their children’s teachers-beginning in middle school and through high school. Getting to know your teen’s teachers is just as important at these grade levels. Here are a few reasons why:

1. Maintaining grades-older children are less likely to share their grades and progress with you, particularly
if the news is bad. Being in touch with a teacher via phone or email allows you to keep on top of any
problems they may be having, and to help deal with them if tutoring or more study time is needed.

2. Discipline problems-Again, teens are less likely to share any problems they may be having at school
with their parents. Whether a discipline problem is with your teen, or another teen who is
bullying or bothering your child, you need to be informed. When you can talk with teachers, principals,
or counselors about these things, you can be there to help your teen deal with them.

3. Career choices-High school students are on the verge of discovering what they will be doing with their
lives after school, whether it be work, college, the military, etc. Communicating with teachers and
counselors can give you a great deal of information about your teen’s interests and abilities. It can
give you valuable insight into helping your child make decisions that are right for them.

4. Getting to know your teen-Your child is changing fast and growing into an adult. Having other adults
discuss their impressions and insights about your teenager can help you get to know this maturing
maturing person that you have raised. You can appreciate things about your teen that you might not
have noticed yourself. The knowledge that teachers and other school personnel have about your teen
can help you transition from a strictly parental role in your child’s life to having a more adult relation-
ship with him or her.

These are a few reasons to continue having good parent/teacher relationships with your teen’s teachers. Make time to become acquainted with your teenager’s teachers, counselors, and principals. Find out contact information about them (phone numbers, email addresses), so that you can periodically ask how
your child is doing. There are many valuable reasons to do so.

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Char over at Weary Parent has come up with a good Group Writing Project and Contest for parenting bloggers. She has challenged us to write about some advice that our parents or another influential adult gave us as teens, that we really took to heart.

I’ve received lots of really good advice from my parents over my lifetime. The advice I’d like to share was never really spoken, at least not that I remember. But it has been modeled for me over my entire life. It began when I was a child, but really began to sink in during my teen years.

That advice is to put family first. Both my parents have done this for as long as I remember. I know that my father worked jobs that he didn’t like-in fact, he downright hated them at times-because he had his family to support. He sacrificed doing things that he wanted to do, jobs that he might have enjoyed more, to work at jobs which gave him enough money to support a wife and three children. He’s retired now, but is always ready and willing to help us out with projects around the house, taking us somewhere if we have car problems-even offering us money if he feels we might need it.

My mother, who passed away four years ago, also sacrificed for her family. We were poor when I was growing up. I can remember many a time when my mother did not buy things that she, herself, really needed, to buy things for her children. No matter how tight the budget was, we always had our new school clothes and anything else we needed (and even things we just wanted), before she thought about buying things for herself. We went to the doctor for very minor illnesses, when she could have used the money to buy things which would have made her life easier. Even at the end, she thought more about how the rest of the family was reacting to her illness than about herself.

Since I’ve been a parent (and, particularly, now that I’m the parent of a teen), I’ve been trying hard to instill in my daughter that putting family first brings much richer rewards to one’s life than putting job or anything else first. We make trips to visit family and to family reunions sometimes at the expense of missing other things. We do this because we love family and we love seeing family. I bend my own schedule into a pretzel to be able to accomodate her activities and other family obligations.

More than any other piece of advice I could give her, I hope that my daughter retains this strong sense of family. It has brought wonderful richness and rewards to my life, and I know that it will to hers.

family, family relationships, advice, teen advice, parenting advice, teens, teenagers, parenting teens, parenting teenagers, Weary Parent

I have a guest columnist today-my 16-year-old daughter, Sarah. She’s going to be talking about her relationship with her stepfather. To me, the relationship looks pretty darn good, but I promised to stay out of it-other than to give this brief intro. So, without further ado, here’s Sarah to give you her thoughts.

My dad first came into my life when I was six years old. Of course, technically, he’s my stepdad, but I’ve always thought of him as just dad, ’cause he’s the only father I’ve ever known. My biological dad dropped out of our lives when I was one year old, so I don’t remember him.

My mom was going to college at the time and Richard (my dad) was one of her friends. She had a bunch of college friends who came over for study groups and stuff (mostly other parents who had gone back to college like her), so I was used to that. I liked Richard, but I didn’t think much about him other than that.

Then, after awhile, he started to come over for dinner on nights when there wasn’t any study group. And sometimes, he’d stay to watch movies with us. He’d talk to me and play with me, and I started liking him more. At some point, I started wondering if he’d be my dad.

My mom had told me that, someday, she might get married, and I’d have a dad. I hadn’t really thought about it much, though. As far back as I could remember there’d never been a dad in my life. I had my grandpa and my uncle, who both did lots of things with me, but, in our house, there had always been just my mom and me.

Then came the first time mom asked if it was okay if Richard came to a school program with us. I think it was an awards ceremony. I said sure, and asked her straight out if he was going to be my dad. I remember her saying, “Well, he and I have been talking about that, and we’d like to sit down and talk about it with you, too.” So, after that awards program, we all came home, sat down with bowls of ice cream and talked about becoming a family.

At that point, Richard and my mom had been friends for two years, and had been dating for a year. I was eight years old. They asked how I’d feel if Richard moved in with us, and became my dad. They told me I didn’t need to call him “dad” unless I felt comfortable doing it. But he’d live with us and come home every night just like my mom did. He’d be around to play and do things with me, and help me with my homework (of course, he’d been doing those things already).

I was happy having a dad at home with us, but nervous, too. It changed some things between my mom and me, and that was hard to adjust to, at first. Luckily, they were both there to talk with me, and to ask me how they could help. My mom also took me to a child psychologist for a few months. She was really cool and helped me see things differently.

That was eight years ago and, now, it seems Dad has always been in my life. He’s been here for me through everything. We’ve done lots of great things together. I spent two years racing junior dragsters, with Dad as my pit crew and mechanic! I think that was the most fun we’ve had together-so far!

He tells me that his favorite memory, up to this point, was the time I was talking to some other kids in an elementary school class. I pointed to him and said, “There’s my dad!” He says that’s the proudest moment of his life.

There’s no doubt in my mind that he’ll always be there for me. His not being my biological dad doesn’t matter. He’s here when I need something, and when I just want to talk. Those are the important things.

dad, dads, fathers, stepfathers, daughters, teens, teenagers, parenting teens, parenting teenagers

I found the following study results at New Scientist:

Celebrity worship may play an important part of growing up, suggest the results of a UK study.

Star-struck teens are generally emotionally well-adjusted and popular, with their celebrity interests forming a healthy part of adolescent development and bonding, say psychologists from the Universities of Leicester and Coventry.

However, those with extreme celebrity fascination, are likely to be lonely children without close attachments to friends or family, suggests the new study.

John Maltby and David Giles surveyed 191 English schoolchildren between the ages of 11 and 16. They found that those who avidly followed celebrities’ lives were the most popular.

For about 30 per cent of the children, gossiping about favourite celebrities with their peer group took up much of their social time. These children were found to have a particularly strong and close network of friends and to have created a healthy emotional distance from their parents.

“As children grow up, they start to transfer their attachment from parents to their peers. Celebrities start to take on the hero status role that their parents formerly fulfilled when the children were younger and it seems to be a healthy part of development,” explains Maltby, who led the study.

“The main function of celebrity attachments in adolescence may be as an extended social network - a group of ‘pseudo-friends’ who form the subject of peer gossip and discussion,” he told New Scientist. “The ongoing subject of celebrities’ lives can provide a valuable bonding tool among their friends, while enabling them to be emotionally autonomous from their parents.”
Mildly pathologic

Evolutionary psychologist Francisco Gil-White, from the University of Pennsylvania in Philadelphia, says humans have a biological predisposition towards recognising prestigious individuals and acting sycophantically towards them. “In the ancestral environment, prestigious individuals would be followed by people who wanted to gain information about successful living,” he says.

“Modern-day children who follow celebrities may be more popular because they are using this inbuilt mechanism to determine who and what is ‘cool’,” he suggests.

However, about eight per cent of the children surveyed were fanatically devoted to their celebrity “friends”. These children felt they had an intense personal relationship with the famous person, describing them as “soul mates”.

This type of celebrity worship was seen by the psychologists as more problematic and mildly pathologic. These children were lonely individuals with few friends, but also less attached to their parents.

“Intense attachment to celebrities was best predicted by low levels of security and closeness. It may be that intense relationships with celebrities develop during times of stress, or for individuals who are lonely or isolated, or lack social skills,” Maltby suggests.

Journal reference: Personality and Individual Differences (vol 36, p 813)

In light of the recent behavior by Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears, and other celebrities who have, typically, been teen favorites, all this is pretty disturbing. I’d hate being the parent of a celebrity! However, if I’d been the parent of any of these young ladies while they were still in their teens, you can bet that a lot more discipline would have been introduced into their lives. And none of them would have lasted a day around my own mother, who firmly believed in spankings!

Who do your teens idolize? What do you think of their choices? Share with the rest of us!

celebrities, teen idols, New Scientist, Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears, teen discipline, parenting teens, parenting teenagers