Parenting Teens

Do you have a teenager with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD)? Does he or she often feel overwhelmed. For most of us, the feeling of being overwhelmed comes along with a big project or some kind of stressful event. For a teen with ADHD, that overwhelming feeling can come with something as simple as doing homework, or planning how to use weekend time.

Another concern is school projects, such as book reports, presentations-anything that will take more than a few hours to complete. The fact that it must be done in steps over a period of time adds to the problem. How do you help your teen address such issues?

For overwhelming nightly homework, help your teenager choose the first assignment to do. If possible, choose an assignment which they enjoy, find easy to do, or that is short. This will be faster to complete, and will help them feel a sense of accomplishment at completing the task, which can raise their level of confidence. When your child is working on an assignment, have him/her put everything else away, and simply concentrate on the task at hand. No distractions. This can make homework go much more smoothly for an ADHD child.

For larger projects, break down the larger project into its smaller steps, and schedule the entire project on a calendar. Perhaps you will want to keep the calendar out of your teen’s sight, so that the sight of the entire project doesn’t give them that overwhelmed feeling again! On a calendar that your teen has access to, write down one item at a time on the date it needs to be completed. This way, he/she has only one item to concentrate on-not a bunch of tasks over a large period of time. After they have completed the task on the calendar, you can mark it off as finished, and add another task.

To help a teen manage weekend time, assist them in making out a schedule. First, schedule time for things which must be done, such as chores and homework. If they have outings with friends or groups, put those into the schedule at the proper times. Helping your ADHD teen get into the habit of planning and allocating their time is a skill they will use for the rest of their lives. Helping them do it now will make it easier for teenagers when they go away to college.

If you have a teen or other child with ADHD and have any tips for the rest of us, please let us know in the comments!

Check out Mental & Emotional Health for other good tips.

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The past week saw two more incidents involving school shootings or potential shootings by teenagers. On Wednesday in Cleveland, Ohio, 14-year-old Asa Coon shot two students and two teachers, before killing himself. Police are currently reviewing surveillance videos, trying to find out how the teenagers was able to enter SuccessTech Academy alternative school, while armed with two revolvers.

The teen also, apparently, had made threats the previous week, which went unheeded, along with other warning signs from the troubled boy. Asa Coon had been suspended the Monday before the shooting for a fight, but fellow students said that school personnel had not done anything about threats he had made the previous week to blow up the school and stab students. Rasheem Smith, 15, a classmate, said, “I told my friends in the class that he had a gun and stuff. We talked to the principal. She would try to get us all in the office, but it would always be too busy for it to happen.”

Asa’s older brother, Stephen Coon, 19, was arrested the day after the shooting for theft and parole violations. And an arrest warrant was issued for his mother, Lori Looney, for obstruction of justice, after she lied to police about the whereabouts of Stephen.

The second incident occurred in Philadelphia. There, police were able to prevent a planned attack at Plymouth Whitemarsh High School by another 14-year-old boy. The teenager had amassed an arsenal of including knives, swords, about 80 pellet guns-and a rifle bought for him by his mother. The mother, Michele Cossey, has been arrested and charged with providing a firearm to a minor, and contributing to the corruption of a minor.

Her teen son was arrested late Wednesday and told police he had been planning a “Columbine-type attack” on the high school. The boy’s parents had taken him out of middle school and homeschooled him for the past 18 months, because of bullying.

These are yet two more tragic and shameful incidents which plainly illustrate the ways in which we are failing our children. Failure to communicate with our teens, and failure to take action when signs of trouble or violence are seen has tragic consequences. Please stay in touch with what’s going on with your teenagers! If you see ANY signs of problems, take them seriously, and get help for your child. It can save grief and lives-including those of your teenager and yourself.

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October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. It’s the perfect time to talk with your teen about the dangers of finding themselves involved in a relationship with violence or the potential for violence. According to the website Choose Respect, 1 in 11 high school students report being the victim of physical dating abuse, and about one in four teens reports verbal, physical, emotional, or sexual abuse each year.

Following is the text of the Teen Dating Bill of Rights:

Accept responsibility for myself and my actions.
*********************************************************************************

Be sure to talk with your teenager (whether male or female), about violence in relationships. Have them be watchful about any treatment or attitudes which make them uncomfortable from a boyfriend or girlfriend. Getting into inappropriate relationships can become a pattern. Help your teens know how to set boundaries, and be aware of the behavior of those with whom they have relationships.

For more on emotional issues, visit

Mental and Emotional Health

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I belong to several groups dealing with parenting teenagers. The other day, the subject of discrimination against the mentally handicapped came up in one of those groups. One mother of a young teen in middle school brought up the report by her daughter that the word “retard” was used all the time by students at her school. Students apparently used the word as an adjective and as a derogatory remark against other students.

This member has a two-and-a-half year old nephew who has Down’s Syndrome. Her daughter is very close to her cousin, and was angered and hurt by the casual use of this word among her fellow students. We were all upset that this word would be used so callously by young teens. The girl’s parent felt that, since their school district sent all mentally handicapped students to one particular school, the causal use of this word was a result of these students not being exposed to their peers with mental disabilities. I have other ideas.

I place this squarely with the parents of students who would use such hurtful and derogatory remarks. As parents, we have a responsibility to teach our children to have compassion for others and to respect their feelings. The use of such words is, to me, a clear example that parents have not taught their children such compassion. Now, I realize that children can pick up on a word used by a peer and repeat it, sometimes not realizing how hurtful it can be. But such word use does not, originally, come from a vacuum. Children pick up on parents and other family members who do not have care and compassion for others. They will mimic not only words, but actions.

As a group we discussed this mother going to the school administration and/or the counseling office and requesting that the children receive some sensitivity training in this area. I’d suggest the same thing to any of you who have teens or any age children in a school where this type of thing goes on. It won’t stop all of the children from using such hurtful words, but it will reach some, who will realize that they are hurting the feelings of others. And be sure that you talk with teens, and any age children, about compassion and respecting others’ feelings.

The above Youtube video is a heartfelt speech by a high school student with a mentally handicapped sister. He talks about how he has learned more about life and love from his sister than from any classroom. Watch it, and share it with your teens. It has some very valuable lessons.

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One of the front page stories in today’s Atlanta Journal-Constitution is very relevant to this blog. It tells the story of what one family went through to get their teenage son into an intervention program, and how this program changed the entire family.

At age 16, Bubba Brocard, of Cobb County, Georgia, had become a menace. He punched holes in walls during outbursts of rage. He got drunk and belligerent one day, high and aloof the next.

“He was totally out of control,” John Brocard said. “He was using marijuana, was drinking alcohol, lying, stealing and manipulating us. He would verbally abuse me and cuss at me in front of my wife and challenge me to fight.

“His constant outbursts of anger and rage scared his older sister and younger brother to the point they were afraid to be around him. His mood affected our whole household and our marriage.”

Bubba’s parents, John and Fair Brocard, were so desperate to save him, and their family, that they arranged for Bubba to be kidnapped in the middle of the night at their home, and taken to an intervention program. The program is named in the article, so if you’re interested in it, please go to the link above. The purpose of this post isn’t to support or point out any one program, but to have you read the story of the Brocards.

It’s a remarkable story that led to the complete turnaround-not only of the Brocard’s son, who is now 25 years old, graduated from high school and college, and has a good job-but of his parents, who now run their own non-profit organization to help other families with troubled teens.

Read the article. You’ll get a lift, as well as, possibly, some inspiration, if you’re in a situation like the Brocards’. If any of you readers have serious problems with teens, please let me know about it. I can point you in the direction of some specific programs, if you’d like.

teens, teenagers, troubled teens, troubled teenagers, troubled adolescents, teen intervention programs, parenting, parenting teens, parenting teenagers

The following is a guest article by Randy Kimbrell, who has written many articles on alcoholism, its effects, and treatment.

Teenage alcohol abuse has become a huge problem in the United States. It affects every socio-economic level, all races, colors, and national origins. As a disease, alcoholism is more “equal opportunity” than almost anything else in this country.

The average age that a child in the United States begins drinking on a regular basis is just shy of age 16. That’s 5 full years before the legal drinking age! So when do they take their first drinks? Even younger: age 11 for boys and age 13 for girls. Those are staggering—and sobering—statistics.

The National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism has done several studies on teenage alcohol use and abuse, and found that youngsters who begin drinking before age 15 are four times more likely to become alcoholics than those who abstain until the legal age.

Adolescents who drink are far more likely to demonstrate aggressive behavior than their non-drinking counterparts. They get into more trouble with the law, may get arrested, and even sent to jail. Society’s patience with juvenile offenders has already worn thin and many young people are now being tried as adults for the crimes they commit. The best years of a young person’s life could be spent behind bars because of their drinking problem.

The young person may develop psychiatric problems like anxiety, depression, or even clinical depression. He or she may “act out”, raging against parents, teachers, or other authority figures.

And speaking of parents, they are the single biggest influence on whether or not a teen begins or continues drinking. When children, especially young children, witness drinking and a favorable view of alcohol consumption in their home, they are far more likely to become underage drinkers and eventually abuse alcohol.

On the other hand, when parents regularly communicate their negative beliefs about teen drinking, enforce behavior rules in the home, and monitor their children’s activities and whereabouts, the children have a much better chance of staying out of trouble.

Family also has a link in that alcoholism or other dependency issues seem to have a genetic “thread”. If a parent has or has had dependency problems, his or her children are at much greater risk for their own issues. However, if the parent has reached sobriety and is open about the struggles he or she went through, it can help the children resist the pressure to drink.

Peer pressure can also have an effect on an adolescent’s decision to begin drinking. While much has been written about peer pressure, and its effect should not be minimized, study after study has shown that parental involvement carries much more weight.

Teenage bodies and brains are still developing, and drinking at that age has a much more negative effect than on an adult. The abuse of alcohol by teenagers is insidious, and many times adults who don’t want to believe their children would “do that”, find out too late that they already have. Parents, teachers and social workers need to remain alert to the signs of alcohol abuse in teenagers.

Intervention is possible for anyone. But for a teenager who is abusing alcohol, it’s a must.

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According to a new study from the University of Chicago, the drop in prescribing antidepressants has led to an unprecedented increase in the rate of suicide among children. Between 2003 and 2004, the suicide rate among Americans under age 19 rose 14%, the largest one-year change since the government began keeping such statistics in 1979. The rise followed a sharp decline in prescribing antidepressants, such as Prozac, Zoloft, and Paxil, after parents and physicians began being warned about the drugs from the Food and Drug Administration(FDA) and other agencies.

According to Robert Gibbons, a professor of biostatistics and psychiatry, who did the study, the data suggest that for every 20% decline in the use of antidepressants, an additional 3,040 suicides per year would occur. Thomas Insel, the director of the National Institute of Mental Health, said,

We may have inadvertently created a problem by putting a ‘black box’ warning on medications that were useful.” He added, “If the drugs were doing more harm than good, then the reduction in prescription rates should mean the risk of suicide should go way down, and it hasn’t gone down at all — it has gone up.”

Although the drop in use of antidepressants has not been proven as the cause for the increase in suicide rates, experts say that the evidence leaves few other plausible explanations.

Personally, I find these statistics alarming for two reasons: 1)have we taken away treatment that many children needed to prevent suicide, and 2)are we raising a generation who are dependent on antidepressants? Neither scenario is very heartening. Mental illness is taking a toll on our children, as well as adults. Are we doing everything we need to do to combat it? Or, is there something more that we, as parents, could do to help our children?

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As a social worker who once worked with juvenile populations, the term “troubled teen” troubles me! Troubled seems to be such a catch-all word. Teenagers can be troubled in so many different areas, making this a blanket term, which gives no vital information into what kinds of problems a teenager may be facing.

Having said that, I feel the teen in this brief article from the Atlanta Journal-Constitution really is troubled.

Henry County police said a Luella High School student who reported being stabbed this morning actually cut himself and faces possible charges.

Capt. Jason Bolton said the 16-year-old male is cooperating with detectives. Bolton said the teenager, who was not identified because of his age, could be charged with making a false report of a crime.

Police said the teenager arrived late to his first class of the day and told his teacher he’d been stabbed as he entered a portable classroom. The student was airlifted to Grady Memorial Hospital, where doctors determined the cuts were superficial and non life-threatening, police said.

The knife believed used in the incident was found on school grounds, Bolton said, but he declined to further identify it.

A teen must really need attention badly to do something like this. Now, I am not blaming his parents. Teens are not known for always readily talking about their problems to anyone, let alone their parents! But I have to wonder if no one-parents, teachers, friends-noticed that this teen was really upset in some way. Had there been difficult changes in his life? Was he teased and made fun of in school? Was he a loner who didn’t socialize with his peers or anyone else?

At least in this case, he did not turn his feelings onto someone else and stab fellow students or teachers. But I feel a very deep sorrow for this young man, and for his parents. He needs help, and I hope this is a wake-up call for his parents, teachers, and others around him to see that he gets it. I can’t help wondering how many other teens out there are in similar situations.

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A new study reported at Web MDshows that teen self-injury, such as cutting, may be more common than previously thought.

The study was headed by Elizabeth Lloyd-Richardson, of the Brown University medical school and the Miriam Hospital in Providence, RI. She and her colleagues surveyed 633 students at five U.S. high schools about coping with difficult social and emotional problems. The survey focused on deliberate (but not suicidal) self-injuries, such as cutting, hitting, burning, and biting.

Around 46% of the students reported some form of self-injury within the past year. Past estimates had put the number at only 4%! That’s a huge difference! Moderate to severe self-injury was reported by 60% of the self-injurers.

The most common types of self-injury were biting, hitting, cutting, and burning skin. The most common reasons given by the teens for self-injury were “to try to get a reaction from someone,” “to get control of a situation,” and “to stop bad feelings.” Interventions to stop teen self-injury should promote other ways of coping with their problems, handling stress, and communicating with others, note the researchers.

Self-injury is, apparently, a much more common problem than originally thought. Do you have a teen who you suspect is hurting her/him self? Watch closely for signs of frequent and/or regular injuries, particularly of the types just discussed. Also, observe your teen for signs of stress, lack of communication, etc.

If you suspect your teen is hurting her/him self, seek help immediately. Call your doctor or community mental health center, or, if you’re not sure where to turn, talk to your teen’s school counselor for recommendations.

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I found the following study results at New Scientist:

Celebrity worship may play an important part of growing up, suggest the results of a UK study.

Star-struck teens are generally emotionally well-adjusted and popular, with their celebrity interests forming a healthy part of adolescent development and bonding, say psychologists from the Universities of Leicester and Coventry.

However, those with extreme celebrity fascination, are likely to be lonely children without close attachments to friends or family, suggests the new study.

John Maltby and David Giles surveyed 191 English schoolchildren between the ages of 11 and 16. They found that those who avidly followed celebrities’ lives were the most popular.

For about 30 per cent of the children, gossiping about favourite celebrities with their peer group took up much of their social time. These children were found to have a particularly strong and close network of friends and to have created a healthy emotional distance from their parents.

“As children grow up, they start to transfer their attachment from parents to their peers. Celebrities start to take on the hero status role that their parents formerly fulfilled when the children were younger and it seems to be a healthy part of development,” explains Maltby, who led the study.

“The main function of celebrity attachments in adolescence may be as an extended social network - a group of ‘pseudo-friends’ who form the subject of peer gossip and discussion,” he told New Scientist. “The ongoing subject of celebrities’ lives can provide a valuable bonding tool among their friends, while enabling them to be emotionally autonomous from their parents.”
Mildly pathologic

Evolutionary psychologist Francisco Gil-White, from the University of Pennsylvania in Philadelphia, says humans have a biological predisposition towards recognising prestigious individuals and acting sycophantically towards them. “In the ancestral environment, prestigious individuals would be followed by people who wanted to gain information about successful living,” he says.

“Modern-day children who follow celebrities may be more popular because they are using this inbuilt mechanism to determine who and what is ‘cool’,” he suggests.

However, about eight per cent of the children surveyed were fanatically devoted to their celebrity “friends”. These children felt they had an intense personal relationship with the famous person, describing them as “soul mates”.

This type of celebrity worship was seen by the psychologists as more problematic and mildly pathologic. These children were lonely individuals with few friends, but also less attached to their parents.

“Intense attachment to celebrities was best predicted by low levels of security and closeness. It may be that intense relationships with celebrities develop during times of stress, or for individuals who are lonely or isolated, or lack social skills,” Maltby suggests.

Journal reference: Personality and Individual Differences (vol 36, p 813)

In light of the recent behavior by Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears, and other celebrities who have, typically, been teen favorites, all this is pretty disturbing. I’d hate being the parent of a celebrity! However, if I’d been the parent of any of these young ladies while they were still in their teens, you can bet that a lot more discipline would have been introduced into their lives. And none of them would have lasted a day around my own mother, who firmly believed in spankings!

Who do your teens idolize? What do you think of their choices? Share with the rest of us!

celebrities, teen idols, New Scientist, Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears, teen discipline, parenting teens, parenting teenagers

College tips will be a semi-regular feature during the summer months. With many parents having teens ready to go off to college for the first time, information is the most helpful thing available! Today’s tip deals with something that many people don’t think about beforehand-your son or daughter’s medical records.

Unless your teen is going to a college in his/her hometown, and will be seeing the same doctor as before, getting copies of medical records can be a very useful thing to do! Whether your teenager will be going to the campus health clinic or will be finding a private physician in the area where they will be attending college, their medical history can be important to their continued medical care. Whether you call them medical records or a Personal Health Record, which is the current term favored by the American Health Information Management Association(AHIMA), and whether you keep a paper or a computerized record, having them can be essential.

This tip is being discussed at the beginning of the summer because it can take time to obtain copies of medical records. Obtaining these records will probably require a trip to each physician and/or hospital who has seen your teen since childhood. If your teenager is under 18, you will need to sign a release form for his/her records. If a teen is over 18, he/she will be required to sign for themselves.

It can be a hassle and take a lot of time, but it will be well worth it. If your teen has a chronic illness or condition for which he needs ongoing treatment, or if he has allergies, or any other condition which needs to be considered during medical treatment, his new physician/clinic will need to know.

The link above provides a checklist for medical information which is useful. In the midst of all the college planning, take time to obtain your teen’s medical records. And keep a copy for yourself! You never know when you might need them.

college, college life, medical records, AHIMA, American Health Information Management Association, personal health record, teens, teenagers, parenting teens, parenting teenagers

This is a wonderful read for parents of teen and pre-teen girls. Stressed-Out Girls: Hleping Them Thrive In the Age of Pressure by Roni Cohen-Sandler deals with the stresses girls face today, and how parents can help them cope.

In this excellent book, which gives a lot of practical advice, Dr. Cohen-Sandler discusses how girls experience stress differently than boys:

• In general, girls report far more school-related stress than do boys. They believe that to be successful, they have to be extraordinary in every area of their lives: academic, social, extracurricular, and appearance.

• Compared to girls, boys report being less invested in school. They feel less connected, are less likely to feel successful, and have fewer worries about college.

• Although all teens report being burdened by too much homework and tests, girls are 55% more likely than boys to say they pressure themselves to get good grades and do well in school.

• Girls are also more stressed-out as they go through their school days because of social stress: they constantly monitor their relationships with peers and teachers.

• Heightened worries about appearance—body image, clothing choices, and make-up—further exacerbate the daily stress of teen girls.

• Whereas boys express stress more directly, girls keep their stress hidden.

In addition, she talks about the high levels of stress girls suffer:

• The majority of girls report feeling “too much�? or “way too much�? pressure to get good grades.

• More than 2/3 of girls in middle school say they “usually�? or “always�? pressure themselves to succeed. By high school, that number rises to _.

• Almost 2/3 of girls in middle school and 3/4 of girls in high school believe the amount of free time they have is “too little�? or “not nearly enough.�?

• Nearly 2/3 of girls in middle school and high school report that the amount of homework they get is “too much�? or “way too much.�?

Other helpful topics include how stress for girls worsens over time, and what parents and teachers can do to recognize and help alleviate stress. Although many parents and educators endorse the book, some of the most telling comments come from the girls themselves. One girl wrote “I am currently reading your book Stressed Out-Girls, and I love it! I am probably one of the busiest and most stressed-out girls in my class. Being senior class president, the head of 2 clubs, varsity tennis captain, and taking eight classes in school (not to mention trying to get into college!) the word “pressure” is nothing new to me. I often take on too much, and find it hard to say “no” when asked to do something. I barely made it through Junior year, because I took on too much and had a huge mental breakdown. My grades went down and I wish I could just start over again.”

This book can really open your eyes to the sources of stress for your teenage daughter! Together, my daughter and I sat down and realized there were sources of stress of which she was not even aware! I’d recommend the book for any parents of teen and pre-teen daughters. If you’re a mom, it can also be an eye-opener to some of the sources of stress in your own teenage years!

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In February, 2006, Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez announced the creation of the Justice Department’s Comprehensive Anti-Gang Initiative, designed to support law enforcement combating violent gang crime, while also promoting prevention efforts to discourage gang involvement. As part of the initiative, in May 2006 the Department provided anti-gang resources for prevention, enforcement, and offender reentry efforts to six sites across the nation: Los Angeles, CA, Tampa, FL, Cleveland, OH, Dallas/Ft. Worth, TX, Milwaukee, WI, and the “222 Corridor” that stretches from Easton to Lancaster in Pennsylvania.

The Anti-Gang Initiative has made strides in the original six sites. Recently, the Office of Juvenile Justice and Delinquency Prevention reported Gonzalez’ announcement of the expansion of the Comprehensive Anti-Gang Initiative to include four additional sites: Rochester, NY, Oklahoma City, OK, Indianapolis, IN, and Raleigh-Durham, NC. Each site will receive $2.5 million in additional grant funding to combat gang violence.

Strategies will address the following areas:

*Prevention-will support prevention efforts like the Gang Reduction Program, which focuses on
reducing youth-gang crime and violence by addressing personal, family, and community factors
that contribute to juvenile delinquency and gang activity

*Enforcement-will help support enforcement programs focusing on law enforcement efforts on
the most significant violent gang offenders

*Prisoner Re-entry-will work with faith-based and other community organizations to create
reentry assistance programs that will provide transitional housing, job readiness and placement
assistance, along with substance abuse and mental health treatment to prisoners re-entering
society.

Read more about the Comprehensive Anti-Gang Initiative and the progress that has been made at the Office of Juvenile Justice and Delinquency Prevention website.

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The King of horror himself (Stephen, that is) has spoken about the writings of Cho Seung-Hui, the 23-year-old student responsible for the mass shooting at Virginia Tech. Stephen King’s take on Cho’s writings is posted at Entertainment Weekly’s website, where he serves as a contributing editor on pop culture.

He is frank about the fact that, in this day and age, his own college writings would have raised flags. King also speaks about a one-time student of his who raised red flags for him . He is quick to point out, though, that, in his own case, he had none of the other signs which would have pointed to him as a possibly violent personality-he interacted with his peers, never stalked girls, etc.

The following quote from King seems to pretty well sum up his opinion on Cho’s writings and his violent state:

For most creative people, the imagination serves as an excretory channel for violence: We visualize what we will never actually do (James Patterson, for instance, a nice man who has all too often worked the street that my old friend George used to work). Cho doesn’t strike me as in the least creative, however. Dude was crazy. Dude was, in the memorable phrasing of Nikki Giovanni, ”just mean.” Essentially there’s no story here, except for a paranoid a–hole who went DEFCON-1. He may have been inspired by Columbine, but only because he was too dim to think up such a scenario on his own.

On the whole, I don’t think you can pick these guys out based on their work, unless you look for violence unenlivened by any real talent.

I’ll be the first to admit that I am not unbiased where Stephen King is concerned. I discovered King in the ’70’s during my own teen years and have been a huge fan since then. I write horror stories myself, and have come up with some pretty gruesome storylines in my time. However, as someone who has also served as a social worker in the mental health field, I have to wholeheartedly agree with him here. The writings, on their own, do not mean that a person is violent. If so, many of today’s top novelists and writers would be in mental institutions!

So, if you have, or know of, a teen who reads and/or writes horror, don’t automatically assume that he/she has a mental problem! Look for other signs, such as isolation, anti-social behavior, etc. We all worry about our kids, but let’s not let that take over our lives.

[tags]Virginia Tech, Virginia tech shootings, Stephen King, Entertainment Weekly, Cho Seung-Hui, writing, parenting teens, parenting teenagers, teen writing, teenage writing[/tags[

Many of us are still in shock following the shootings at Virginia Tech two days ago. We see new pictures and hear new information, much of which is more frightening than before. And we feel grief for the victims and their families, even though we may not have known them. Unless we have lost a child ourselves, most of us can only imagine how these families must be feeling. And we fear for our own children now more than ever.

The most difficult part of this, for many of us, will be trying to explain this to our children. How do we explain something that we, ourselves, do not understand? How do we comfort and reassure children who may be frightened that something like this will happen in their own schools? There are no easy answers.
Explaining to teenagers may sometimes be more difficult than explanations to a younger child.

When discussing the shootings with your teen, it is best to be totally open and honest. After all, for most teens, many of the victims were only a few years older than they. If teens are worried about the possibility of such violence in their own school, acknowledge that, in today’s world, that is a possibility. Don’t tell them “It’ll never happen here.” Attempting to give them a false sense of security is something most teens will see through. As strong as the temptation may be, don’t do it.

Having acknowledged that it could happen, talk to them about the precautions that are taken to make sure that it doesn’t. If the school has metal detectors, security guards, etc., point these out to them. These precautions are not foolproof (as we saw), but in many situations they do help. Point out to your teen that, though these incidents are horrible and terrifying, they really do not happen often. That’s not saying “never”, just “rarely”.

Talk with your teenager about what they can do to protect themselves if such an event were to occur. Personally, I’ve told my daughter that, if she ever sees anyone with a gun or any other weapon at school, she is to report it immediately. I’ve also told her that, if she hears gunfire, she should immediately drop to the floor and stay there, not moving or even raising her head. In addition, one of the things that she and I have discussed is that she should notify someone if she feels any student or friend she knows is writing or talking about anything that threatens or condones violence. Teens will feel better knowing that, if a situation does come up, they are not helpless. There is something they can do to protect themselves.

Talk to your teens about doing something proactive. Virginia Tech has set up a memorial website to allow people to post tributes, memorials and condolences to family and friends of the victims. If your teen would like to post something there, share the site with them. Talk to them about putting together some sort of tribute at their own school-a display, a memorial, sending cards or letters to families, etc. Doing something proactive makes people feel better. If they feel there is something they can do-no matter how small-they will feel less helpless and frightened.

If your teen is so frightened or worried that they are refusing to go to school, or if they are so distracted by the recent happenings that they are unable to do homework, behave normally with friends, etc., you may need to contact their school counselor or another professional. School counselors will be happy to provide services individually or in groups for students who are having trouble dealing with this situation.

Give your teens all the love and reassurance that you can in these difficult times. They need your love and support more than ever.

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