Parenting Teens

…you can’t pick you family, but you can pick your friends. But don’t pick your friends nose…

Or something like that. All I know is that as the kids got older, I worried about what friends they would choose. Would they be good influences, or bad? Would I love them or hate them? Would we get into fights and would I have to pull the ultimate ‘you can’t see them’ card?

It’s easier when they’re little - then, as the parent, you’re in control of the play dates, of who they get to see and when, and no one blinks twice if you suddenly decide that’s enough at the playground because you have a “meeting” and pull your child away from the snot-nosed little bully that needs a good talkin’ too. You’re expected to protect them at that stage, see, and whether you go overboard (OH MAH PRESHUSH! -first baby syndrome!) or let them learn fundamental truths on their own (Told ya it was hot. Betcha won’t do THAT again! -3rd baby syndrome) - you are still in control.

Then they go to school. And make friends without you.

For the first years, you still maintain a bit of control - sleep overs become the norm, but you still hold veto power - but it seeps away a little more every year… and by Middle School? We, as parents, are doomed.

At this point, all you can do is hope. Hope they have chosen wisely, hope that all the lessons you’ve taught them are still embedded somewhere in the depths of their subconsciousness, and they will remember them when the time is right. Even if they think it’s their OWN idea - that’s ok too! At least we still have some tiny medium of control…

I will state right now, though, for all to see. When it comes to my kids and their friends? I got lucky. DAMN lucky. EXTREMELY LUCKY. In fact, while I may like a few friends better than others, there is not a single teenager or preteen in the group that I dislike so intensely that I’d not let them come over. Their parents, though… (Just kidding!)

I wish I could give you a formula on how to raise kids that choose great friends. I can’t. I just raised them up the best I could, and trusted they would choose well. From middle school on, The Boy has chosen friends with the same sense of humor he possesses, the same like of sharp and pointy things, the same grounded sense of reality and strength that he possesses himself. From fifth grade on, Peppermist and her BFF group - Micky, The Twins, Micky2 - and an ever present rotation of others as well, show a different pattern, a diversity in likes and dislikes, a mishmash of personalities, strengths and weaknesses that somehow comes together as a glorious, supportive, solid whole.

Both groups have made me laugh, have made me want to hug them like crazy, have called me mom, and have become my extended family - which is odd since I hate kids, but what are ya gonna do?

But a couple friends made themselves stand out above the rest a couple of weekends ago. They did something so shocking, so stunningly amazing, something that not even my OWN kids would ever do willingly, that I’ve since branded the Twins as my favorites de jour.

They scrubbed my kitchen floor, on hands and knees.

You’re totally jealous now, aren’t you? Not only did they do that, and loaded the dishwasher and cleaned off the stovetop and counters?

THEY CLEANED OUT MY FRIDGE!

And it was their idea. Because they were bored, and thought it would be fun - and it was, it seemed, judging by the laughter from them and Peppermist while this astonishing feet was accomplished. Which means?

I AM THE LUCKIEST MOM IN THE WORLD.

I just hope that ‘fun cleaning’ gene rubs off on Peppermist sometime soon… her room scares me.

~~~~~~~
PS -
I want to apologize for the lack of posting this month! I also cover Big Brother over at Big Brother Craze, and it’s taken over my life. Usually we get house guests that are night owls or early birds - this year we have BOTH! The amount of posting and work there is astonishing. So - rest assured, I have not forgotten my other beloved blogs, and I will post as often as possible over the rest of the Big Brother Season.

And if your a BB Fan - come join us BBCrazies!

…or something like that.

Sometimes, as I’m at my house, alone with my children, telling them something in a slightly elevated tone of voice - exhausted or bemused, either way - it appears that my mother sneaks in, and says things that I remember hearing from my childhood. She is just suddenly THERE, flying RIGHT OUT OF MY MOUTH. How the hell does that happen?! From things like “don’t you roll your eyes at me…” to “Leave you brother/sister ALONE” to “One day, you’re gonna feel BAD for doing that…” I’ve heard - and said - them all.

But you know what? That last one? Is a LIE. I don’t feel bad! In fact, I’ve been cackling - yes, CACKLING - for two days now! You see, my baby sister reminded me of a stunt I’d pulled on her back when she was 7 or 8, that STILL GIVES HER PAUSE today! That, my friends, is a Class A stunt! I am very proud. As are my kids. The baby sister? She’s declared me evil, and that I was going to be sliding straight to the fiery pit of doom. To that, my friends, I only have one thing to say: WHEEEEEEEEEE!!!

What was my devious deed? Well, back when I was 11 or 12, and my sister 7 or 8, I had a bff named Laura. She and I were practically joined at the hip even through she was 2 years older then me, and we spent a good portion of that summer at the high school swimming pool. Back then it was open every day for open swim, and only cost 50 cents to get in, so it was a good use of our time. AND there was a cute blond lifeguard that looked EXACTLY like Bo Duke, and Laura and me, we were totally going to get his attention/marry him/be his one and only (yes, the both of us) for that fact alone. We were slightly in love with the Dukes of Hazard, you see, and all I remember of the life guard was that he had blond curly hair that reminded us of Bo. Instant IN LOVE FOREVER were we. Yes. I am fully aware NOW that he must have thought us total dorks. But that has nothing to do with the story.

You see, it all started when my baby sister wanted to tag along with us into the deep end. We, being older, wiser, more mature, didn’t WANT the tag-along, well, tagging along. Apparently - though I’d forgotten about it until she reminded me yesterday - apparently I decided to spin a tale of horror to make her stay on HER side of the pool. In the Shallow End. In a stroke of pure genius, I told her that if she went to the deep end, a JAWS like Shark would come out from his home under the grate in the center of the deep end and EAT HER UP.

She believed me.

Not only did she believe me? But come to find out, as I’m laughing hysterically while she tells me how awful I am/was, she STILL hesitates every now and again as she swims over that damn grate in the bottom of the pool! STILL! At the ripe old age of 33! This from MY baby sister, the swimmer extraordinaire, who’s gotten my youngest to join the team with her and her kids, and does triathlons and is THIRTY-THREE YEARS OLD. She STILL gets that little squeamish feeling every now and again.

Just goes to show that even when I was 11-12, I RULE!

Of course, being the sensitive, mature woman that I am today, I treated such news with calm and sincere apologies and… who am I kidding? I’ve been laughing my ass off ever since she told me! And thinking of many, MANY devious plans that can help me capitalize on this little nugget of information. It’s not often something said so many years ago maintains a level of power over a grown adult! The kids can greet her by humming the JAWS theme! I can get her a toy shark that plays the theme! I can get her the BOXED ANNIVERSARY MOVIE SET! In 3D! I can make the JAWS theme her specialized ringtone on my phone! In fact, the bass clarinet player in my daughter’s band loves me, and offered to play said theme song FOR said ringtone to further personalize the torture!

And Oh. So. Much. More…

Oh yes. I am an evil. evil. EVIL woman. This Christmas will be FUN! In fact, I JUST discovered this little item that came through my feed reader this morning COMPLETELY RANDOMLY, which means that this upcoming torture is FATE. You see, it appears that the JAWS boat is going up for auction!

The fishing boat owned by the shark hunter who inspired the “Jaws” movies is going to be sold at auction.

New Yorker Frank Mundus, credited as being the real Captain Quint from Peter Benchley’s Jaws novel, on which Steven Spielberg’s movies were based, died in September at the age of 82.

His 40 foot wooden boat, Cricket II, will go on sale online in February, with a starting price of $25,000.

February, hm? I bet we can extend this fun until her birthday on the 26th, don’t you think? It’s the PERFECT birthday gift!

PS. Anyone have $25k I can borrow?
PPS. WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

PPPS. Kids, be nice to your siblings. They might grow up to be JUST LIKE ME. MUHAHAHAH!

I receive a lot of searches that deal with teenage sexuality, promiscuity, etc. both from the straight and gay point of view – the latter usually involving questions about coming out to friends and family. As such, I asked a friend of mine if he’d tell us his story, in his own words. Danny is 18 years old, out and proud. He runs Big-Brother-Fan.com, and the Big Brother Interactive game – if you’re a fan of the show (and you know I am) be sure to pop over there and tell Danny I sent you!

Thank you, Danny, for taking the time to tell us your story! Hopefully it will find someone who needs to hear it, and give them that much more strength to come out on their own.
~L

Coming out. It’s one of the biggest trivial problems that gay folk deal with. Will my parents hate me? Will I lose friends? Will I be physically harmed? While this may sound extreme, it’s not. I’m going to take you down the road of the gay lifestyle, and specifically - coming out.

When I was around 8 years of age, I truly understood that I was ‘different’. I knew that I wasn’t like all the other boys who thought girls were ‘cute’. I enjoyed watching wrestling a little too much, and I played around with a few of my friends at the age of 10. I understood and embraced the fact that I was a homosexual from an early age, and have never been ashamed of what I am. Nor should anyone else. No one can tell you who or who you cannot love. Anyways…

Around the age of 10, I was taken from my mother due to her extreme drug issues. I moved in with my Stepfather in Florida (from Maine). I spent a few years in turmoil, visiting my mother only on occasion and wondering if she was ever going to stop with her drug abuse. At the age of 12 I realized that she could end up dying at any point, and if she did I wouldn’t have told her everything about me. I decided that the next time she called, I was going to tell her.

When she did finally call, 2 months later, I chickened out. I know, why be afraid? But I was also 12 years old. I finally admitted to her four calls later that I was indeed a homosexual. My mother took this to heart, which disturbed me. My mother has always loved me, and she sounded disgusted to be talking to her son, a young man who liked other men. I just couldn’t understand, not in the slightest bit.

Finally after a year of awkwardness, my mother got over her issues with my lifestyle. Mainly, because she didn’t have a choice - she was a crackhead… and certainly not in a position to judge others.

Coming out to my mother was the easiest. My birth father? Not so much. When he found out, he blew a gasket - punched me in the face - physically threw me out of his house - and never spoke to me again. That is a day I don’t particularly like to relive, and no matter what I have done to try and continue contact with him - it won’t work. He doesn’t like gays, like many others in the United States.

In fact four States have so much hate towards gays they have joined the 17 others who have ‘re-defined’ marriage as the union of ONE man and ONE woman. California has gone as far as to TAKE away the marital rights that they gave gays, and potentially annul 18,000 gay marriages. It’s pathetic how hateful this world, this country can truly be.

We’re swaying from the topic now though, aren’t we? Anyways. I have three main rules that I try to explain to coming-outers:

— Be who you are.
— Don’t be afraid.
— Rely on your friends/family for support.

If you follow these rules, your coming out should be a breeze. Don’t let others bully you around, and if they try? Kick their asses. Be who you are, don’t let anyone tell you what YOU feel. Finally, rely on your friends and family for support. Some may disapprove of your “decision”, but a majority of your friends/family will still support you - and use that support to move forward and become stronger.

B and C might not be so pleased to have made the blog this time - but it’s really too funny not to share! Again, neither B nor C are actually kids I’ve given birth too, but are ‘mine’ none-the-less. They’re both 18, and currently couch surfing at my place most of the time. Yay me! Good thing they’re relatively good girls, they’ve just gone through some bad stuff the past years, and are trying to pull out of it all. I’m happy to help in anyway I can - even if it’s just lending them a couch and a safe haven.

I’ve always been one to foster open and honest conversations about sex and all related sexual type activities, which has resulted in them not really asking me questions, but kinda hinting around sometimes, and then finally opening the talk. I feel special, because they DO talk to me about it, and well, statistics say that only about 19% of kids have someone they can trust to speak about sexual topics with - of course, I think of those 19%, about 11% of them frequent my house.

Lucky Me.

Anyway, as I was saying, there are open and honest conversations around here. We’ve tackled the hypothetical questions:

B: So. mom. HYPOTHETICALLY SPEAKING. If one were to go off her birth control, could they HYPOTHETICALLY SPEAKING maybe get pregnant so soon? And if so, MY FRIEND would like to know if HYPOTHETICALLY SPEAKING, eating everything in sight might be a symptom and OMG pass the chips, please!
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY SPEAKING it won’t matter after I kill you. Dead. Like with a rock or something.

I know, I’m all about being sensitive and stuff.

During this HYPOTHETICAL conversation, I pointed out that I keep condoms in the kitchen window basket, just to avoid needing these types of conversations.

B: OMG mom. I’d be so embarrassed to go into the kitchen and be all just grabbin a condom mom - it’d be mortifying!
Me: and these hypothetical conversations arent?
B: True..
Me: Child, you are in my kitchen 18 times a day getting something to eat. I can’t see you from where I sit at the desk. How could I possibly tell the difference between cup o’noodle packaging, and the condom box opening?
B: …you have a point.
Me: Remember that point. AND WRAP IT.
B: Yes ma’am.

See? Sensitivity is my middle name. Or is it sacrasm? Smartass? Something like that. Anyway, along with such hypothetical questions, there are the ever amusing overheard conversations that go like this:

B: I need to get my HPV Vac shot soon.
C: I have to go to the public health too - get tested again.
B: Yeah, we can go together.
C: You can hold my hand when they take my blood because OMG needles freak me out and I FLIPPED last time.
— Please note, this is the one who let the other one pierce her belly button with a sewing needle. Just sayin’.

B: What? You just have to pee in a cup for that one! Chlamydia and Gonorrhea are pee tests, it’s the others you have to give blood.
— Yes, I know, I think she’s incorrect on the Chlamydia test, but let’s go with it for now..

C: Alright! Pee tests I can do!
B: I mean, want me to hold your hand while you Pee? I can do that if ya want me too.
C: Oh. Yeah. That’d be helpful. Not.
— sarcasm is a fine art with these two. *L*

Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAH! That convo is SO making the blog!
B and C: MOOOOOOOM!

And you’d think it would end there. But no. There’s still the matter of the HYPOTHETICALLY NEEDED EPT. Which I went to purchase today. Now, I went this afternoon, because the girls, B and C were both home, and all the boys were not. Naturally, by the time I GOT home, another girl was here, and so was my son. Whoops. So I try to keep it on the downlow. I search for the right bag - and CAN’T FIND THE TEST. I search again.

The Pup: Whatcha lookin for?
Me: Feminine type items. Don’t ask. You’re too young to be a Feminine.
The Pup: Ok!

Still can’t find them. I call the store to see if they are still at the check stand, no go. The girls are like frantic. I’m chuckling. We look again.

The Pup: HEY! Is THESE it? (She holds up the EPT and box of condoms proudly.)
Me: Yup! Thanks kiddo. I’ll take it back to the girls.
The Pup: I know what one of them IS mom!
Me: What? (I didn’t hear her. I didn’t mean for her to TELL me..)
The Pup - as loud as she always is - crowed delightedly: A PREGNANCY TEST!

You could have heard a PIN DROP. Then the laughter hit. Oh. My. Gawd. We all busted up laughing, as I went back and tossed the EPT to a MORTIFIED girl, followed by the box of condoms for her personal stash. I am positive that she’ll think twice about NOT using the condoms next time, if only to avoid the embarrassment of the 9 year old calling her out on her deeds… For the record, the test was negative. But as they left to go off to a friends house, I got a very bemused and chagrined and laughter filled..

B: Way to keep things on the downlow, mom. Keep working on that, huh?

Then they swiped a box of frozen pizza, some chips, a soda, and left for the evening.

Admit it. You TOTALLY wish you lived at MY house, now, don’t you?

I would like to introduce you to one of the bravest girls I’ve ever known.

This is CC. I’ve talked about her here a few times before, but I’ve never given her name or her picture, so I’ll let ya’ll decide if you recognize her. She’s a lovely girl, and despite the arguments she gets into with other lovely girls that I’ve claimed as my own, she remains one of my favorite kids. Yes, I know. I tell them they’re all my favorites. That’s not the point.

POINT is, that I like it when she comes around - for many reasons, but also? She makes me laugh. From general chitchat, to trying to play “Mindtrap” (a game of stupid trick questions, that always seem to manage to trick her, much to our amusement) to simply hanging out - she’s one of the more fun kiddos to have around.

And currently, the bravest.

You see, my boys - my son and his friends - all went on vacation with Z. I know, I thought I was crazy, until Z’s mom invited the other boys to join them on a trip out of state! She clearly wears the crazy crown! They’ve been gone for a while, and despite the nagging I did before they left, the ManSpace - aka, The Boy’s room - is a disaster. I’m scared to go in there. Really scared. Things move out there, that shouldn’t move! And don’t even get me started on the stench…

But not CC, though! Oh no. She spent the day with us yesterday, and WILLINGLY and RANDOMLY said “I”m gonna clean the ManSpace.”

I KNOW, RIGHT?!

We begged her not too, we pleaded with her (SHES TOO YOUNG TO DIE!) but her mind was made up! She would at least put a dent in the disaster! She grabbed a couple garbage bags, and headed out to the ManSpace while we watched, fearful for her life, from the safety of the living room. All was well for a while, and we began to relax… then…

then…

The scream. She came hauling ass back inside, squealing and gagging and doing a jitterbug dance of the “GET IT OFF GET IT OFF OMG GROSS WTF GET IT OFF” variety. When we finally got her to tell us what she discovered, we all gagged appropriately, and assured her that we could just shut the door, and let the boys have at it when they got home. After all, it’s THEIR stench! We fed her dinner, gave her points for bravery, watched reality tv, and relaxed, forgetting what awaits the boys out in the manspace - forcing the memory from our minds with a gentle rain of Pushing Daisies, and Top Design.

Did YOU know Orange Juice could curdle?! Neither did we!
And she tipped. it. over.
Exactly.

Poor girl is likely scarred for life… but it DOES explain the smell…

Any parent of a teen knows that the hardest part of raising teenagers has nothing to do with the sex talks and the video games and the rebellious spirits and the bad grades and the desperately needed naps. No, the hardest part of raising a teen is keeping them FED. And when I say keeping my teens fed, I really mean my teens, their younger sister, and ALL OF THEIR FRIENDS.

Do you have ANY idea how much teenagers EAT?

The most surprising thing I’ve learned, however, is that feeding teenage girls is ENTIRELY different then feeding teenage boys. With boys, especially with boys that have driver’s licenses and jobs, they simply go to the store and pick up frozen pizzas in a variety of flavors, use the oven (thus heating the whole house - added benefit here in AK!) scarf the spoils of their labors, and leave the pizza boxes on the counter. See the picture to the left - and yes, that is a plate of crusts there in the middle somewhere. That is two nights worth of pizza runs, sure, but still, that’s a LOTTA pizza. Some of our boys are BIG boys, and as we’ve come to expect, the youngest of the group is the biggest of the group! We got a couple of linebackers, and a couple of running backs - none of whom play any sport at all, naturally. The football coaches at the high school have been trying for three years now, without luck.

Boys are easy. It has to follow a couple simple rules - be fast, involve no real prep time, and be eaten immediately. If it takes longer then 2 minutes, then it only works if they can convince the girl to do the actual work. (See: Pizzas.) It also has to involve minimal cleanup. Because they’re not going to do that either, until threatened with bodily harm.

And then there’s the girls. Girls are a completely different animal, and it doesn’t start at teenager, it starts really around age 11 or so. The difference with girls is that they will MAKE something to eat. They don’t mind putting the effort in for a bigger reward, and will actually cook something. This means that NOTHING IN THE PANTRY IS SAFE! If they can conceive it, they will make and eat it. Yes, it boggles the mind, but Teenage girls EAT MORE and better when compared to the simplicity of the boys.

They are also a little more creative when giving a shopping list. For the girl’s last birthday party, the following is what was requested for to fill out their snack table:

Something…
Sweet
Salty
Crunchy
Sour
Chewy
Cold
Fizzy
Chocolate

Can you decipher that? It’s really quite easy. Chips covers both crunchy and salty, Sweet is a variety of hard candies, sour and chewy is covered by sour gummi worms, cold means ice cream, fizzy means soda, and Chocolate means, of course, Chocolate, the more the better.

Then, they raid the pantry, and several of these items are added to or accompany sandwiches, cakes, pasta, etc. They get quite creative, the girls, and there is MUCH giggling. And much cleanup - which is where they side completely with the boys. They won’t touch it, unless threatened with physical harm.

Or the withholding of chocolate. Rule number one in the feeding and care of Teenagers - ALWAYS save the best snacks for bartering and bribing in order to get the dishes done. Or to eat in front of them when they’re too busy groaning at how full they are because they ate too much. MUHAHAHAHA!

I carefully planned to have my children two years apart in age. I did this, knowing that it would be hectic, but with the ultimate hope that they would be closer and better friends then my sister and I were when we grew up. Sure, my sister and I are great friends now - but back then? Well, she likes to tell people I pulled her down the hallway by her hair, when the truth of the matter is that I pulled her down the hallway by her hair arms like any bullying big sister would. If she had just done what I TOLD her too…

…but anyway. She and I were five years apart -much like my own daughters (Mom, stop laughing. It’s your fault, I’m sure of it. Wishing such agony on me…). My two oldest have that magical 2.5 years difference in age, and they’ve proved what I thought might be true. They’re great friends. Even with all of the arguments, fights, bullying (on BOTH sides) and wrestling matches on the living room floor - they’re still friends.

Thus, it’s no surprise that their core group of friends interact, and even like each other, despite the age differences. (The boys are all 16-17, the girls 14-15) When we have slumber parties, there is a LOT of laughter and giggling and squealing, and sword fights and so on and so forth. They’re all a great bunch of kids, and I love having them all crowded into the house.

And yes, everyone sleeps separately, Nana. When they sleep. Man, can they giggle for HOURS!

About two years ago, the flirting started. I expected it - after all, the girls mature faster, which puts them on an even playing field, right? The boy seemed to spent most of the time flirting with the girl’s BFF. I, of course, being the kind sensitive parent that I am (shush, you!) proceeded to tease them mercilessly, and take the above picture. I posted it with the caption “I’ve seen the future and I’m skeered!” on my personal page, and for the past two years since that picture, we’ve periodically teased the two of them about dating. Eventually. When they’re 87.

Don’t think they were offended by this teasing! Oh no. There was blushing, and denials, and the flirting never stopped. In fact, it might have stepped up a notch now and again, but all in all, it was still just fun, harmless flirting.

So, homecoming is next week. (You all can see where this is going, can’t you?) On a phone call to check in from some place in town, just as we were hanging up, the boy said quickly “Oh, hey, Mom?” which always means this is not a last minute question, but something he wasn’t sure he wanted to ask in person. Where I could tease him mercilessly from close proximity. Heh. It went a little like this:

Him: So, um, you think I should ask her to homecoming?
Me: Do you want to?
Him: yeah. kinda. yeah.
Me: So ask her. What’s the worst that could happen?
Him: She could say no.
Me: and then you’d go with the group anyway, and still have fun as friends right?
Him: Right.
Me; and so your problem is…
Him: getting her away from my sister long enough to ask.
Me: Ever think of asking your sister for help?
Him: …
Me: (smirks)
Him: She is kinda my insider info, huh? Thanks mom, bye!

I knew the moment he hung up with me, my daughter’s txt message alert would go off. I was right. She, of course, told me right away. He’d asked if the girl thought that M. would say yes, and how to get her alone. The answers were yes, and she’d take care of it.

So, after school today - there were two conversations. First off, the boy.

Me: Well?
Boy: Got a date for the dance.
Me: Score! Blog fodder!
Boy: (rolls eyes)
Me: Hey, you gotta keep doing this stuff and telling me so I have stuff to write.
Boy: (again with the eyes… they’re gonna get stuck if he’s not careful..)
Me: don’t spend all your paycheck now. You gotta at least get her a flower.
Boy: Whatever Mom. (turns to his friend G, whispers) do I gotta get a flower?
G. yes.
Boy: ok.

And then they were off to do whatever it is that they do when they’re together at G’s place. Today it involved a guitar. Last time it was swords. You never know with those two! Then it was the girls turn… and I got the details.

The Girl: So - we went into the lunchroom for snack and I only had my money for lunch not the pre-lunch munch, right? So M. was in the line and The Boy was in there already so I nudged him and was all look! she’s in the line! without me! and he was all ok, cool, and then when she finished paying I pushed her over toward him and she was all huh? and I was all ‘push’ and then I stood back and totally watched and he was all ‘wanna go to homecoming with me?’ and she was all ‘huh?’ and he was all want. to go. to homecoming. with me? and she was all sure…? and he said cool, talk to you later and gave her a hug and walked away right?

Me: good god child, breathe!

The Girl: whatEVer. and so I went over to her, she was like just standing there all still and staring after him and stuff right? And so I was all ’so, I hear you have a date for homecoming’ and she was all I guess I do.. and so I asked her the important question mom, I was all did you say yes so you didn’t hurt his feelings or like yes because you like him - as if we don’t know already, right? So she said she said yes because she didn’t want to hurt his feelings because she does kinda like him. So yeah! I totally got them together!

Me: (nodding along - certainly couldn’t get a word in edgewise…) Cool. Well! Guess maybe she should rethink that wearing jeans option, huh?

Girl: hahahah. you’re funny mom.

So - you’d think it ended there, right? Nope. My sister called not long afterwards and told me she’d run into M’s dad. Apparently he gave her hell all the way home (jokingly) because a REAL gentleman would have asked her dad first because she’s only 14. I’m thinking it’s a dance, not marriage, but whatever. When I told the boy he reminded me how much he dislikes that man, and I encouraged him to be the BETTER man and ask him anyway. Still not quite sure if he’s going to, but I do know it’d shock the hell out of her dad if he does. He’ll have to start dealing with the daddies of his dates sooner or later anyway, might as well start now.

[And? Not long after my sister hung up, my dad called because HE had heard it through the grapevine too. While I was on the phone with Nana giving her the scoop on the other line. Clearly my spy network is working perfectly.]

Time will tell. Time will also tell if this dating his sister’s best friend is a good idea or not. And if I survive it. In the meantime, I’m sure there will be many stories to use as blog fodder before it’s all said and done! (Now, aren’t you glad I’m not YOUR mom?)

Because I’m good enough, smart enough, and GOSH DARN IT, people like me!

Ahem. Being as I’m not your ‘normal’ mother by oh so many standards, sometimes it’s nice to find out you’re doing something right from a completely anonymous source. It’s even better when that source happens to be a teenager themselves, and they talk about how to parent them. Even better when you realize that hey - I already DO that - when they issue a challenge to parents everywhere.

Its nice to know that I totally rock.

Zen, over at Teens On Parenting, has a very interesting take on parents. She and her friends are open and honest when they give their parenting critiques and tips. After all - who better can tell you what your teenager is thinking then another teenager? Their blog was born out of an irritation with their peers’ constant complaining about how parents just don’t understand.

(And that’s SO not a new complaint, ya’ll… it existed even before DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince made it immortal with a fresh beat.)
(…what do you mean “DJ WHO?” Fresh Prince! You know, that oh so hunky Will Smith, back when he was still a geek…)
(..stop looking at me like that. I am not old.)

They are correct - it’s helpful to hear what kids their age have to say about parenting. One of the keys to understanding our kids is to listen to them, and their peers. And also, as Zen points out, to complain with them.

I’m good at this one. Take the other day, for instance. I pick up my son from work, and he kicks me out of the driver’s seat, because he’s practicing for his driver’s test next month and all. I give in with nary a fight, because he bribes me with a large diet coke. (Or rather, his manager does, because they love me. Whatever. I had caffeine!) He puts the car in gear, and takes off, and I already know. It’s been a LONG day at work for him. So I wait.

Boy: F’in M. (his other manager.)
Me: Rough day?
Boy: Dude. Corporate is coming. We had to clean stuff I didn’t even know EXISTED in the store!
Me: Oh man.. I know! I hated Corporate raids…
Boy: Hands and knees, mom! I was on the floor on my HANDS AND KNEES!
Me: Toothbrush or minibroom?
Boy: …you had to use a toothbrush?
Me: Dude. I know, right? Tile grout, behind the backwash sinks.
Boy: (smirks, laughing) I had to clean the oven beneath the oven. I didn’t even know that oven EXISTED until they pointed it out.
Me: Red light. Red light. RED LIGHT!
Boy: I see it! Gawd, mom.
Me: So - you the only one stuck on hands and knees?
Boy: Nah. All of us worked our asses off. M even cleaned.
Me: So, really can’t be too pissed at him then, right?
Boy: (glare, smirk) Shut up. I still hate him.
Me: Yeah, and? I hate kids. But I have this dirty oven at home….
Boy: (laughs) Shut up.
Me: I win.
Boy: I know. Dammit.

That’s a minor example, but you know - it works with all kinds of things. Kids don’t want us to FIX things, not right off, and especially not the little things. If we hover in helicopter style, we never give them the chance to work out issues on their own. This is why they complain to their friends - because their friends will complain with them first, then maybe offer a solution later. Why can’t we do the same? It wasn’t so long ago that we had teachers that pissed us off, things that we thought were unfair, co-workers that drive us insane (one of the MANY reasons I love working from home - no co-workers!) and even grownups that piss us off. We just need to remember that, find some common ground, and throw an understanding complaint their way. Our kids are smart - a gentle - subtle! - nudge at times is all that’s needed to help them find their own solution to any problem.

We’re not here to FIX things for them, as much as we want too. We’re here to help them learn to fix things themselves. Otherwise they’ll never leave home, and who wants THAT?

But, before he goes, since I know he knows how and all… I gotta get that not-so-little brat to clean my oven for me.

As parents of teenagers, I’m sure you know that no matter how many kids you actually gave BIRTH too, you’ll become mom to a whole plethora of random souls that follow your teenagers home. There’s the friends, the friends’ friends, boyfriends and girlfriends(SOB!) and all of the friends’ girlfriends and/or boyfriends. The front of your house resembles a revolving door as the ever changing dynamic brings different groups to your house.

And once they are there - they eat.
They eat a LOT.

(What they DON’T do, however, is dishes. Dammit.)

I’ve been generally lucky with both of my teenagers choices in friends. There’s a solid core group for each of them, and the majority of those friends I like. I think I’d like them even if I gave birth to them and had been stuck with them for the past 16+ years. They call me mom (indeed, most don’t even know my real name) and since my house is the one closest to their schools, they parade in and out between school and work and the drive home to check in, make phone calls, check their work schedules (I keep copies of ALL the kids’ schedules for them - mine plus friends)… and eat.

Fortunately, I’ve discovered that - while not exactly the healthiest choice, it’s certainly one of the cheapest - they love cup of noodles. Any day of the week, you can find at least two, and sometimes three or more, teenagers in my kitchen, vying for the stash, the water, and the microwaves so that they can make their snack. One of the boys, Z, works at a store that has a Chinese Food Stand, and thus a bunch of soy sauce packets and chopsticks for the taking when you buy a meal. He buys the meal, grabs extras, and then the kids don’t even dirty my silverware to eat. A cup o’noodles, a set of cheap/free wooden chopsticks, and they’re happy as clams.

If clams liked cup o’noodles, that is.

I like this little ritual, though I’d never tell THEM that. I love that they feel that my house is a safe place to be, that they’ve somewhere - someone to turn too, even if it’s for something so simple as a snack. Those that drive have ‘their’ parking spots, and they repay my steady supply of noodlage by giving my kids rides here, there and everywhere. (With the price of gas what it is, I’m pretty sure I’m coming out on the good side of THAT deal.)

They talk to me, too, and it’s not just because they swear I have the mind of a 16 year old boy. At least I don’t think it’s just because of that - but either way, they come to me when they need help, and feel they can’t go to their parents. That’s not to say I wouldn’t call said parents if the situation warranted it, but usually it doesn’t.

This openness is how I ended up with B. sleeping on my couch.

B was Z’s girlfriend at the time. Z is one of The Boy’s friends. She’s a lovely girl, all attitude and smiles and piercings and multicolored hair - and she’d had a bit of a raw deal dealt her. Her mom died in 2000, her dad had her live with her grandparents after that. It was rough going, and though she had the support of another set of grandparents, it was just rough. The night they kicked her out/she left, they came directly to me.

There was no way I was gonna let her sleep in Z’s car somewhere, so I made sure she knew she was welcome to stay with me. I let her relax for the night, but the next day came the hard part.

Many think I’m a pushover, but my kids (and their friends) would tell you otherwise. There are consequences to your actions, and when you are kicked out/moved out of your house at 17, one of them that all important phone call. I had B call her grandparents, and let her know she was safe. Then she called her manager, explained truthfully what happened and why she missed work, and walked her through how to make it sound right and keep her job. Then I made sure she had her meds, her paycheck, access to everything she needed. And when her other grandmother called me, I was honest with her and let her know what was going on, exactly.

As worried and scared at the new situation that B was, I think she appreciated my lead and help during the month she lived with me. In fact, I know she did, because she just invited me over to her new apartment for dinner two nights ago. She turns 18 in two weeks, found herself a roommate, and let me help her find a kitten. Her dad showed up with some furniture, pots and pans and such, and between us we got her settled in well.

And don’t think that she’s off the hook! I talk to her daily, usually via txt (I know, I’m SO freakin hip!), usually initiated by her. I nag her about her meds, I nag her about her money, I make sure she has food, I make sure she has rent, and I make sure she’s checked in with her grandparents and dad. She knows she can come to me no matter what - she even uses me as her emergency contact number. She’s one of my kids now - how could I treat her any different then I would my own?

It’s a fine line to walk, that of parent and friend, at any age, but they all know - as lenient as I can sometimes be in some situations, I am no pushover. And I love nothing more then to look at them, grin big, throw up my hands and crow…

“I WIN!”

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. It’s the perfect time to talk with your teen about the dangers of finding themselves involved in a relationship with violence or the potential for violence. According to the website Choose Respect, 1 in 11 high school students report being the victim of physical dating abuse, and about one in four teens reports verbal, physical, emotional, or sexual abuse each year.

Following is the text of the Teen Dating Bill of Rights:

Accept responsibility for myself and my actions.
*********************************************************************************

Be sure to talk with your teenager (whether male or female), about violence in relationships. Have them be watchful about any treatment or attitudes which make them uncomfortable from a boyfriend or girlfriend. Getting into inappropriate relationships can become a pattern. Help your teens know how to set boundaries, and be aware of the behavior of those with whom they have relationships.

For more on emotional issues, visit

Mental and Emotional Health

teens, teenagers, domestic violence, dating violence, dating abuse, abusive relationships, parenting, parenting teens, parenting teenagers, Domestic Violence Awareness Month

CosmoGirl! has included a wonderful booklet inside their latest print issue that includes many great tips for teens entering college. Although geared toward girls, most of the tips apply to guys as well. Several of my daughter’s friends found them helpful. Here’s five of the best:

1. Clean up your online profile. Those inside jokes posted on your Facebook or MySpace page won’t seem nearly as funny to your new friends at school. Plus, a simple profile lets you reveal your personality to the new people you meet at your own pace.

2. Make nice with Mom and Dad. Leave a handwritten note, or frame a picture of the three of you to show how much you love and appreciate them. College will be fun and exciting, but you’re going to miss your parents (and need their support), so give good old Mom and Dad some TLC before you leave.

3. Learn to do laundry. Ask your parents for pointers, and test your skills. Keep it simple and buy just one detergent and a color-safe bleach for both light and dark loads.

4. Get on a budget. Write down every dollar you spend for a month. Then talk to your parents about what costs you’ll be responsible for in college. Plan two weekly trips to the ATM: one on Monday for the school week, and one on Friday for the weekend’s expenses.

5. Mind your p’s and q’s. Write thank-you notes to your favorite teachers and bosses. Personalize your message and describe how each one has influenced your life. You’ll make their year, plus you’ll kick off your new life at school with some good karma.

Pass these tips off to your college-bound teens! Especially the one about the TLC for Mom and Dad!

teens, teenagers, college life, college tips, college freshmen, entering college, CosmoGirl

This may not be the Sixties, but war protests are alive and well! Ashley Casale, 19, of Clinton Corners, N.Y., and Michael Israel, 18, of Jackson, CA are marching across the country to protest the war in Iraq. Newsday reports that the two teens headed for Washington, D.C. from San Francisco on May 21.

Casale planned the “March For Peace” by starting a website and sending flyers to colleges nationwide. She had expected more walkers to join the 3000-mile walk. “Although it’s always nice to have as many people as possible, it’s more about the message and we haven’t been disappointed there aren’t tons of people walking,” Casale said.

The two said that most people have been receptive to them, even if they didn’t agree with them about the war. One World War II veteran met them with a welcome sign and had dinner with them. However, some have greeted them with obscene gestures and yells.

In spite of what they have gone through, Israel said he feels proud of what he and Casale have accomplished. “I hope it inspires people to be more vocal and politically active and become more aware of what’s going on around them,” he said.

I think these two teens can be very proud. They have stood up for what they believe at a time when most teens (and adults) have been staying at home enjoying their vacation time and doing as little as possible. It’s great to hear about teens being interested in politics and current events!

teens, teenagers, parenting teens, parenting teenagers, war protest, politics

I’ve been tagged by Bryan over at Sympathy Pain to inform all you readers of seven strange things about myself. This could be difficult. I mean, I’m used to all the quirks about me, so what seems strange any more?! Anyway, I’ll give it a shot.

1. I’m a big fan of science fiction and horror. Most people think I’m this typical suburban mom of a
teenager, but in my own home I like nothing better than sitting down watching the entire “Planet of
the Apes” or “Nightmare On Elm Street” series!

2. I have a quick temper-in cerain situations! Most of the time I keep my cool, but when I get on the
phone with insurance companies, government officials, or some other entity that wants to talk rules
and regulations, rather than give me answers, I can really get hot under the collar.

3. I never grew up in some respects. I can still eat ketchup on almost anything, including my
mashed potatoes!

4. My best friend in the world is my younger (by ten years) brother. We both love movies, science
fiction, and collecting things.

5. I love to collect science fiction toys (see #1)! I have lots of Star Trek and Star Wars figures, ships, models, etc., all over the house, including my living room,
and I love going to conventions!

6. I have a big crush on Johnny Depp. Okay, so it’s out there! Despite my longtime happy
relationship and recent engagement, I still drool over Johnny. It’s those eyes!

7. My teenage daughter and I are best of friends. Yes, we have one of those types of relationships.
And it works for us. We love going to movies and concerts, and shopping, together. Yet, she’s
never questioned my authority as her mom!

teens, teenagers, parenting, parenting teens, parenting teenagers, Star Trek, Star Wars, Johnny Depp, Planet of the Apes, Nightmare on Elm Street

Do you suspect that your teenager might be in an abusive relationship? Abusive relationships can take many forms, and do not necessarily involve physical abuse. A fairly new website, Love Is Respect, provides resources for teenagers, parents, friends, etc., about abusive aspects of relationships. They are also a helpline, accessible via internet or telephone. The phone number is 1-866-331-9474.

The following is a quiz they offer to see if your relationship might be abusive:

Does your boyfriend/girlfriend:

Look at you or act in ways that scare you?

Act jealous or possessive?

Put you down or criticize you?

Try to control where you go, what you wear or what you do?

Text or IM you excessively?

Blame you for the hurtful things they say and do?

Threaten to kill or hurt you or themselves if you leave them?

Try to stop you from seeing or talking to friends and family?

Try to force you to have sex before you’re ready?

Do they hit, slap, push or kick you?

This is excellent information for your teenager to have. Share the website and phone number with them. Urge them to look over the information, and to use the website or phone number if they need help. With abusive relationships on the rise, both teens and parents can use all the information and resources they can get.

abuse, abusive relationships, boyfriends, girlfriends, relationships, Love Is Respect, teens, teenagers, parenting teens, parenting teenagers

When I first started writing for 451 Press in October, 2006, I was intrigued by the title of another blog in the network. It’s called Long Relationships. It’s actually about long romantic relationships, and RA does a great job of blogging about the ups and downs, ins and outs of day to day life in a relationship. Check it out! There’s some great stuff over there and, after all, couldn’t we all use all the help we can get in that area?!

When I first saw the title, though (given that I was blogging about parenting), I thought of all the different types of long relationships a person has throughout their life-relationships with pets, friends, parents and children. After all, when you think about it, isn’t the longest relationship of your life with your parents? They’re there from the time you’re born! It may not always be a good relationship. These relationships have their ups and downs just like any other and, if we’re all honest with ourselves, we all know about the downs!

Then, as parents ourselves, there are our relationships with our own children. These, too, are very long relationships, seeing as how they begin with the births of our children and end (hopefully) when we die. Good relationships with our children don’t just happen. They are built, nurtured and worked on-just as are good long-term romantic relationships. I think, sometimes, parents forget this. Our children are separate, unique personalities. We have to get to know them, the same way we get to know a romantic partner-by talking, doing things together, sharing life experiences, etc.

Getting to know your kids, especially teenagers, can be a very unique and rewarding experience. My own daughter is 16 years old. The more time goes by, the more I grow to appreciate her as a person. She has a unique sense of style, talents I wouldn’t have dreamed of (since some of them are talents I’ve never had), and her own opinions on things like politics, social issues, etc. She’s not just a younger version of me, and, though she obeys me (for the most part!), she doesn’t always do it unquestioningly. I’ve learned to listen to her reasons for questioning me, and for disobeying me.

Working to build this relationship is sometimes different for both of us. Though there are things we have in common, there are also things we most definitely don’t have in common, so we’ve learned to have our time apart, but we’ve also learned that, sometimes, we have to endure some things just because the other enjoys it. My daughter, for example, (like lots of other teenage girls) loves to spend hours shopping at the mall. I can spend an hour or so there, but after two hours, I start to grit my teeth at the thought of going into yet another clothing store! But I do it at times, just because she loves it and watching her shop can be quite an experience!

There is music we both like (Daughtry, John Mayer, Aerosmith, and The Beatles, e.g.), and then music that one of listens to, but the other would rather hang their head out the window of the car than hear! There’s TV we both like (The Gilmore Girls, American Idol, e.g.), and then TV that makes one of us prefer to do housework while the other watches.

At this point, we both have a fairly good idea of each other’s likes and dislikes. We also have a pretty good record of listening to, and respecting, each other’s opinions. It’s a good relationship, overall, and my life is much fuller because of it. Even when there are bad times, I’m very glad that it’s here.

How’s your long relationship with your teenager? Spend some time this weekend evaluating it and trying to make it better. It will be one of the longest relationships of your life. Make it a good one.

parenting teens, parenting teenagers, relationships, long relationships, Daughtry, John Mayer, Aerosmith, The Beatles, The Gilmore Girls, American Idol