Parenting Teens

I had to wait a full 24 hours before writing this one, as the first draft after the incident would have been full of words that would make a sailor blush and Mama hide her eyes and cringe. Now, at least I can speak without stuttering, and view things a little bit clearer. Though with the clarity comes a dark boiling fury that wants to leap free - I’m just in control of it now, whereas yesterday… oh my.

I don’t write about my youngest, my 9 year old, here too often yet, as she’s technically not a teen, or even a tween, though when her issues or conversations should be included for a story, they are. She’s my baby, and I’m full aware - as I’ve mentioned before - that I’m completely doomed with her when puberty hits full force. Right now though, she’s still all knees and elbows and legs and arms that refuse to work in the same direction at the same time despite how much she wants them too. She’s sass, and attitude, and chatter and giggling, and frilly and girly and divaliciousness AND random tears for no reason at all (hello hormones!). She’s my drama queen, she - just like my older kids - is my life.

And when she hurts - I want to hurt someone back. I want to make it go away. I want to FIX it, and make it better. But as a mom, I know that I can’t lash out. I have to teach her how to deal with things on her own. I have to be the bigger mom, the better parent, the smarter adviser so that she grows up stronger then most, and definitely smarter then those who have the actual problem because their parents can’t be bothered with the job of raising civilized offspring.

Sometimes, it’s easy.
A lot of the time it’s hard as hell.
Yesterday, it was EXCRUCIATING.

The pup came home from school worried about her gym shoes - because the laces were frayed and she thought someone had done it on purpose to get back at her. She was worried about telling me, so told her auntie instead - and that’s when the full story emerged. It’s never just about the shoes.

There was an incident in her classroom, when the teacher had stepped in the hallway to deal with another problem. There were names called, and accusations thrown, and then the two boys who have been picking at my daughter for a month now (one of which we’ve had problems with before for a year or so), hit her below the belt. Not physically - this was far worse. These boys, 4th grade boys, told my daughter that her father never loved her, that he left because he didn’t care about her, that he never wanted her to begin with.

For those that don’t know, her father, my husband, died unexpectedly 3.5 years ago.

She couldn’t hold it in - she fought back, though with only words. The whole classroom erupted into screaming, and then she did what I had taught her. She turned and walked away, why these two little…. these two boys called her names. The teacher hurried back in - all this happened in mere moments - and got the classroom under control, and no one, not even my daughter, told her what had started the fight. She doesn’t want to be a tattletale, and she knew she should have walked away and gotten the teacher first. And when she discovered her shoelaces, and how destroyed they were - when they had not been that way earlier - she thought they had done it on purpose, and transferred all that worry into hoping I wouldn’t be mad about the shoelaces, even though I’ve told her time and time again that THINGS don’t matter, people do. She had to cling to something to transfer her worry to, something tangible since she knew that the boys were wrong, that they had lied, and that they had hurt her on purpose.

Of course her auntie told me, and we told the teacher, and let her know what really happened. I also assured the pup that I could fix the damn shoelaces - they weren’t a problem. The teacher had a class meeting this morning, and made sure to phrase things in such a way that there were no fingers pointing at the pup, that would make the boys act out against her again today, and we - the teacher and I - have an action plan of what to do should it start to escalate again.

The pup and I had another talk about walking away, about getting to a teacher if needed, and about words and stupid people don’t matter in the grand scheme of things because SHE knows the truth. Her daddy loved her more than life, I love her with the same intensity, and nothing anyone ever says could change that. The boys found a soft spot that would hurt her, and pushed.

I wish I knew how to teach her to protect her heart, while still keeping it as full and open as it always as been. I wish I could wrap her up and protect her from all the assholes of this world, no matter what age they might be. I want to keep her SAFE, and secure, yet still teach her to be as fiercely independent as she desires to be. I wish it didn’t hurt so badly when someone hurts my baby, and I wish I could strike back.

Instead, I can only do what I can do - hold her close, until she’s done letting me comfort her. Let go when she wants to walk on her own, yet hover close enough to catch her when she falls. Step back and let her fall when she thinks she’s ready too - so that I can pick her back up again, until she’s strong enough to pick herself up, dust herself off, and try once more.

I’m never sure if I’m doing enough, too much, not near enough. All I can do is try to help pad the soft spots, while keeping them open and free-flowing and strong.

Sometimes being the bigger, better parent sucks donkey balls.

Then, this morning, she reminded me just why we put ourselves through it, as she woke up happy and smiling and danced her way through her day on cloud nine. She even told me when she got home that for some reason, she was happier than ever today - and no one could tell that she had a problem yesterday because she was so happy and thrilled with life. For some reason, her day was just… good. No, today it was great. She doesn’t need to know why - it just was.

I think I know why. I think that her daddy held her up today, wrapped in his arms, wrapped in his love that was so big in life that it transcends death.

And I think she’ll be okay.

So, drinking has been on my mind the past few days, which isn’t so surprising because “the facts are these..” (SOB! How could they cancel Pushing Daisies?!): Christmas Vacation starts in just over a week, and that means all the kids will be home, with various of their friends, and it’s ALSO -3 degrees out there right now and a hot toddy sounds REALLY GOOD, and it’s been 3 years, 4 months, 5 days and 16 hours since I last got my drunk on.

No, I’m not in recovery or anything like that, I just don’t go out anymore, and getting drunk alone at home sort of crosses that line from recluse to crazy cat woman a little too easily for my comfort. That’s not to suggest my teenagers haven’t driven me to drink, just that it takes too much effort to actually get gussied up and hit the too expensive bars, or to bundle up in the cold to hit the stores.

Yes. I’m not a drunk because I am THAT lazy.

Anyway, it likely won’t surprise you that my talks with my kids about drinking and drugs run along the same lines as our sex talks do - irreverent, yet informative, with copious amounts of tequila with a bit of weed on the side. Oh stop, I’m just kidding. About the informative part. (Oh come on, ya’ll know me better then that!)

You see, when I was growing up, I was the absolute epitome of the good girl. (I’ll wait for you to stop laughing. All better? Thanks, mom.) I didn’t drink or smoke - anything - at all while I was growing up and through high school. I think a lot of that had to do with my Dad’s attitude about it - if I wanted to try a beer, ask him and he’d let me. Same with a glass of wine. As long as it was at home, with my parents in attendance. I tell you, there’s no better way to curtail someone’s desire for a bad habit so much as hearing “Sure, you can have a beer. Sit there next to your mom.” from your parents. As if I weren’t ‘uncool’ enough, drinking with my PARENTS?! Yeah. That wouldn’t help at ALL. So I didn’t. I never even really felt the urge to, either. It just seemed like too much bother.

That’s not to say that I didn’t drink before I was of legal age - I did. AFTER I moved out, and ALWAYS with the knowledge that if I couldn’t drive, or the people I was with couldn’t drive, I could call my dad and he’d come get me. Sure, he wouldn’t be exactly HAPPY about getting up at o’God-thirty to come find me, but that option was always there. Just as it is for my kids. And their friends. (Like the one I picked up this morning because she was going to walk in -3 degree weather, without a coat, with high heels. INORITE? Another story, another time.) I drank a bit, then stopped when I had kids, and I tried weed the first time when I was 31 years old.

Yes. Thirty-One.

So I knew what it takes to resist the peer pressure, and how to find those friends that won’t pressure at all. (Honestly? Hang with the stoners. They don’t care if YOU don’t indulge, as long as you don’t care if they DO.) That’s the same hope I had with my own kids - that I could raise them to feel the same way about it all as I did. Moderation, careful consideration, and for goddsake leave mom’s stash alone! (..ahem.)

When it came time to talk to my kids about drinking and drugs - though to be honest I don’t remember a specific conversation, it as just something always there and openly discussed - My husband and I took the same route. If you want to try something bad enough, ask us. Now, my kids, being the stubborn little brats that they are, DID ask. One sniff of tequila and it never made it to their lips. A little taste of beer was enough to wrinkle the nose and have me laughing at the looks on their faces, since I don’t like beer either. They never asked after that, and they haven’t even considered doing anything else, either. Trust me - I can smell pot a mile away, on someone who was simply in the next apartment building over, getting it 4th hand. I know.

When my husband died, we had a good old fashioned Irish Wake, complete with a keg, many bottles of many things, and probably (ok, most certainly) some fine Alaskan weed too. I didn’t monitor the boy and his friend, both of whom were 13 at the time. Well, I was watching them, but I didn’t count the sips they were most assuredly stealing from the keg, or the fact that my Strawberry Jack Daniels always had a couple swallows missing when it got to me. I watched them, and made sure they were safe, but I didn’t stop them. It was an Irish Wake. It was a time to mourn and celebrate Dad, in a way that would make him proud. We had MANY people at the campsite who were sober and taking care of us all, so it was a safe environment.

And the boys’ hangovers the next day? TOTALLY worth it. Even if they STILL deny they had that much to drink. Liars.

On the way home, after I’d made sure to bang a couple things real loud, accidentally of course, we had a talk. And we made a deal. After they realized I wasn’t angry that they were swiping, both boys opened up and we had a frank discussion about it, and why I allowed it that night - and then we hammered out the terms of our deal. They had their taste, they had their fun. If they steered completely clear of alcohol (and weed was certainly implied - though not specified.) until they were 21, I would find a way to take them to Vegas to celebrate their birthday in style - no chaperoning, just me along to pour them into their beds at dawn, and make sure they didn’t do something totally stupid. And to take many blackmail pictures, of course. Both boys thought this was a FANTASTIC idea, and the bargain was struck.

A bargain they’ve both kept, 100% to this day. In fact, when they ask if they can have a sip of my girly beer, I hand them the bottle. “Go ahead. It’ll save me money in the long run.” They always hand it back, that damning sip un-taken. The boy wants to go to Vegas. And I will be more the pleased to pony up the dough to take them there.

I guess my point is - don’t be afraid to talk with your kids before it’s too late. If you are open and honest and NOT damning them for even considering it, they’ll react rationally, and probably surprise you. Dare to be open with you kids, dare to be different and find a tactic that works for you both. Most of all - TALK TO THEM. I’ve said it a million times, and it’s still my number one go to rule for surviving teenagerhood. TALK TO THEM. You might be surprised what you find out, and I know for a fact, you won’t be sorry you took the time.

I receive a lot of searches that deal with teenage sexuality, promiscuity, etc. both from the straight and gay point of view – the latter usually involving questions about coming out to friends and family. As such, I asked a friend of mine if he’d tell us his story, in his own words. Danny is 18 years old, out and proud. He runs Big-Brother-Fan.com, and the Big Brother Interactive game – if you’re a fan of the show (and you know I am) be sure to pop over there and tell Danny I sent you!

Thank you, Danny, for taking the time to tell us your story! Hopefully it will find someone who needs to hear it, and give them that much more strength to come out on their own.
~L

Coming out. It’s one of the biggest trivial problems that gay folk deal with. Will my parents hate me? Will I lose friends? Will I be physically harmed? While this may sound extreme, it’s not. I’m going to take you down the road of the gay lifestyle, and specifically - coming out.

When I was around 8 years of age, I truly understood that I was ‘different’. I knew that I wasn’t like all the other boys who thought girls were ‘cute’. I enjoyed watching wrestling a little too much, and I played around with a few of my friends at the age of 10. I understood and embraced the fact that I was a homosexual from an early age, and have never been ashamed of what I am. Nor should anyone else. No one can tell you who or who you cannot love. Anyways…

Around the age of 10, I was taken from my mother due to her extreme drug issues. I moved in with my Stepfather in Florida (from Maine). I spent a few years in turmoil, visiting my mother only on occasion and wondering if she was ever going to stop with her drug abuse. At the age of 12 I realized that she could end up dying at any point, and if she did I wouldn’t have told her everything about me. I decided that the next time she called, I was going to tell her.

When she did finally call, 2 months later, I chickened out. I know, why be afraid? But I was also 12 years old. I finally admitted to her four calls later that I was indeed a homosexual. My mother took this to heart, which disturbed me. My mother has always loved me, and she sounded disgusted to be talking to her son, a young man who liked other men. I just couldn’t understand, not in the slightest bit.

Finally after a year of awkwardness, my mother got over her issues with my lifestyle. Mainly, because she didn’t have a choice - she was a crackhead… and certainly not in a position to judge others.

Coming out to my mother was the easiest. My birth father? Not so much. When he found out, he blew a gasket - punched me in the face - physically threw me out of his house - and never spoke to me again. That is a day I don’t particularly like to relive, and no matter what I have done to try and continue contact with him - it won’t work. He doesn’t like gays, like many others in the United States.

In fact four States have so much hate towards gays they have joined the 17 others who have ‘re-defined’ marriage as the union of ONE man and ONE woman. California has gone as far as to TAKE away the marital rights that they gave gays, and potentially annul 18,000 gay marriages. It’s pathetic how hateful this world, this country can truly be.

We’re swaying from the topic now though, aren’t we? Anyways. I have three main rules that I try to explain to coming-outers:

— Be who you are.
— Don’t be afraid.
— Rely on your friends/family for support.

If you follow these rules, your coming out should be a breeze. Don’t let others bully you around, and if they try? Kick their asses. Be who you are, don’t let anyone tell you what YOU feel. Finally, rely on your friends and family for support. Some may disapprove of your “decision”, but a majority of your friends/family will still support you - and use that support to move forward and become stronger.

This morning, I got the call. Part of me knew it was coming, but I thought I’d have another year or so before I was faced with the decision, the question, the promises and pleadings. But no. Apparently, being a freshman gave her extra stand-up-to-mama powers - on Day Two.

Around here, your schedule in Jr. high is set in stone. If you’re lucky, you can switch from one teacher to another, if there’s room/reason/need and you have to jump through major hoops to do so. Part of the High School experience is learning to take charge of your own education, making sure you have the classes needed in line to graduate, as well as trying to get as many classes together with your friends as possible. It’s a fine line to walk, and I remember in my two years at the same school my kids attend now, feeling a little lost and doing whatever my councilors told me was needed. I can only remember one single class I switched out of in those two years - and it was my Senior year, because I decided I didn’t want weight training after all. I was a senior - I didn’t WANT a gym class!

Thus, I was a little surprised this morning to get a call from The Girl just minutes after her Papa had dropped her off at the front door. “Mom, would you be upset if I decided to drop band?”

I shouldn’t have been surprised, really. In hindsight, the lack of practice this summer, and the fact she tried to hide from Ms. S. at orientation were a sure fire tip-off. But surprised I was, as a million things went through my head.

My daughter decided she wanted to play clarinet in the 5th grade band. We rented an instrument that year, to make sure she wanted to stick with it. The next year, for her birthday, her Daddy wheeled and dealed with a friend he worked with to get her a clarinet of her very own. He was so proud that he was able to trade one of his rifles for something for his daughter, something she really wanted. She named the clarinet Clarabelle, and was as thrilled to receive it as he was to give it.

It was the last gift he ever gave her - he passed away three weeks later.

And so, as she told me this morning that she wanted to drop out of band, there was a deeper emotional tug as well. I knew it affected her too when she said “I swear mama. I’ll still play Clarabelle at home… I just can’t handle Ms. S this year… is it ok?”

I had to think quickly, though the little waver in her voice nearly did me in. I probably wouldn’t have had the guts to change out of a class if I felt unable to handle a teacher. I was the type to just hide in the back row, grit my teeth and stumble through as best I could. I certainly wouldn’t have had the balls to call my mom and ask - though I know she would have been understanding and supportive… and probably made me stick with the class. (That may be my memory playing tricks on me - viewing life through aged teenaged glasses…) So what do I tell her? My little girl turning into a woman trying to stand on her own?

I questioned her quickly - is she doing this because her BFF is doing it? Are her reasons sound? Has she thought about it from Ms. S’s point of view? Is she taking the easy way out? Is this a decision for HERSELF and not anyone else? It was a lot to think about at 7:30 in the morning, for sure, on both our parts. In the end, however, I gave her permission to drop the class.

I’m not ashamed to say my heart broke a little bit when I did so, both for what she was giving up because of the emotional ties behind it, as well as for the fact that she was growing up so fast, and ready to make her first decision on that grown up track. Then the other reasonable though still sleepy part of the brain reminded me of something else - a benefit if you will.

In fact, the clouds parted, and I swear I saw rainbows backed by angels singing a hallelujah chorus as I realized what this really meant to me…

NO MORE BAND CONCERTS.

Maybe I should get that girl a pony….

Of course - you KNOW what happened while I was writing this, right? I received a text message from the Girl, saying she’s decided to give Ms. S. at least a year. She’s heard that she’s cooler in high school, after all. But if they don’t like it this year - they’re out next year.

Damn. There goes her pony!

Here’s what’s going on at some of the dad blogs I visit regularly:

All About Fatherhood has a new dad blogging-Aaron! Go over and welcome Aaron to 451 Press and read his take on fatherhood!

Divorced Dads Matterhas an interesting post about momblocking-what it is, and how it affects dads. Check it out and see if you agree!

DaddyZine has a funny story about kids and their daddies playing in the backyard! Take a look and get a laugh!

Freaked Out Fathers has a great video about the annoyance of cell phones at the movies. Go over and get a look!

Inside Fatherhoodis featuring an educational post about the origin of Father’s Day. Click over and get your history lesson for the day!

fathers, fatherhood, parents, parenting, parenting teens, parenting teenagers, dad blogs

In the fine, old tradition of getting dad a necktie for Father’s Day, USA Weekend has published a guide to buying neckties! The article wasn’t really aimed toward buying neckties as gifts but-hey!-if you’re going to buy dad a tie, use this guide to get him one he might actually wear! Here are 5 of their tips:

1 Go for classic elegance. For a job interview, a wedding or a first date, “you can’t go wrong with a simple dark tie,” Rapoport says. “It can be solid or have a small pattern in it. You can even wear it in the summer, with a khaki suit. You don’t need to dress loudly to make a statement.”

2 Play with color. Ocean shades and pastels are hot this season, says Gregg Andrews, fashion director at Nordstrom. “We’re seeing light blue, aqua and sapphire blue, even lavender and lilac,” he says. “They look great with light shirts and can pop against a deeper-toned shirt.” Tip: Take your shirt to the store with you to test-drive ties. For Father’s Day: “Look at his [wardrobe] colors; if he doesn’t wear brown, don’t get an earth-toned tie.”

3 Pay attention to proportion. “Younger, hipper dressers may go for skinny ties, but they only work if the suit has a narrow lapel,” Rapoport says. “The widest part of the tie should be about the same as the widest part of the lapel.” The knot also should match, but “unless you’re a hip-hop mogul, avoid an oversized tie knot.”

4 Avoid flashy prints. Subtle pin dots and stripes are fine. (If you’re matching a pinstriped suit, try a wider stripe.) “If you want a tie that reflects a hobby or a profession, it should be understated,” Andrews warns. “Nobody needs a tie with a big golf club on it.”

5 Vary fabrics. “You can always wear a silk tie,” Rapoport says. “But if I’m at a summer wedding, it’s completely appropriate to wear a nice cotton seersucker or madras tie with a cotton suit.” Whatever the material, always check how a tie knots. It should have one pleat (the “dimple”) and no corners or sharp edges.

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A wonderful website I ran across called Dads and Daughters, is about just that-the relationship between dads and daughters, and how dads can nurture and strengthen that relationship. They have a great quiz that lets a father assess his relationship with his daughter.

They also offer the following tips:

1) Listen to girls. Focus on what is really important–what my daughter thinks, believes, feels, dreams and does–rather than how she looks. I have a profound influence on how my daughter views herself. When I value my daughter for her true self, I give her confidence to use her talents in the world.

2) Encourage her strength and celebrate her savvy. Help my daughter learn to recognize, resist and overcome barriers. Help her develop her strengths to achieve her goals. Help her be what Girls Incorporated calls Strong, Smart and Bold!

3) Urge her to love her body & discourage dieting. Growing girls need to eat often and healthy. Dieting increases the risk of eating disorders. Advertisers spend billions to convince my daughter she doesn’t look “right.” I won’t buy into it. I’ll tell my daughter that I love her for who she is, not for how she looks.

4) Respect her uniqueness. See my daughter as a whole person, capable of anything—and make sure she knows that’s how I see her. My daughter is likely to choose a life partner who acts like me and has my values. So, treat her and those she loves with respect. That will help my daughter choose someone who respects and nourishes her long after she’s left my home.

5) Get physically active with her. Play catch, tag, jump rope, basketball, Frisbee, hockey, soccer, or just take walks…you name it! Help her learn all the great things her body can do. Physically active girls are less likely to get pregnant, drop out of school, or put up with an abusive partner. Studies show that the most physically active girls have fathers who are active with them. Being physically active with her is a great investment!

6) Get involved in your daughter’s school. Volunteer, chaperone, read to her class. Ask tough questions, like: Does the school have and use an eating disorder prevention or body image awareness program? Does it tolerate sexual harassment of boys or girls? Do more boys take advanced math and science classes and if so, why? (California teacher Doug Kirkpatrick’s girl students weren’t interested in science, so he changed his methods and their scores soared!) Are at least half the student leaders girls?

7) Get involved in your daughter’s activities. Volunteer to drive, coach, direct a play, teach a class—anything! Demand equality. Texas mortgage officer and volunteer basketball coach Dave Chapman was so appalled by the gym his 9-year-old daughter’s team had to use, he fought to open the modern “boys’” gym to the girls’ team. He succeeded. Dads make a difference!

Help make the world better for girls. This world does hold dangers for our daughters. But over-protection doesn’t work, and it tells my daughter that I don’t trust her and her abilities! I can work with other parents to demand an end to violence against females, media sexualization of girls, pornography, advertisers making billions feeding on our daughters’ insecurities, and all “boys are more important than girls” attitudes.

9) Take your daughter to work. Participate in every April’s official Take Our Daughters to Work® Day and make sure my business participates. Show her how I pay the bills and manage my money. My daughter will have a job some day, so I need to introduce her to the world of work and finances!

10) Join with other fathers. When I share my commitment to make the world respect and nurture our daughters, I’ll be amazed at how many other fathers agree. We can learn a lot from each other. And we can have a lot of influence when we work together by becoming a member of (or renewing a membership in) Dads and Daughters. Encourage other fathers to join, too

Check out the site, and share it with all the dads and daughters you know!

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I have a guest columnist today-my 16-year-old daughter, Sarah. She’s going to be talking about her relationship with her stepfather. To me, the relationship looks pretty darn good, but I promised to stay out of it-other than to give this brief intro. So, without further ado, here’s Sarah to give you her thoughts.

My dad first came into my life when I was six years old. Of course, technically, he’s my stepdad, but I’ve always thought of him as just dad, ’cause he’s the only father I’ve ever known. My biological dad dropped out of our lives when I was one year old, so I don’t remember him.

My mom was going to college at the time and Richard (my dad) was one of her friends. She had a bunch of college friends who came over for study groups and stuff (mostly other parents who had gone back to college like her), so I was used to that. I liked Richard, but I didn’t think much about him other than that.

Then, after awhile, he started to come over for dinner on nights when there wasn’t any study group. And sometimes, he’d stay to watch movies with us. He’d talk to me and play with me, and I started liking him more. At some point, I started wondering if he’d be my dad.

My mom had told me that, someday, she might get married, and I’d have a dad. I hadn’t really thought about it much, though. As far back as I could remember there’d never been a dad in my life. I had my grandpa and my uncle, who both did lots of things with me, but, in our house, there had always been just my mom and me.

Then came the first time mom asked if it was okay if Richard came to a school program with us. I think it was an awards ceremony. I said sure, and asked her straight out if he was going to be my dad. I remember her saying, “Well, he and I have been talking about that, and we’d like to sit down and talk about it with you, too.” So, after that awards program, we all came home, sat down with bowls of ice cream and talked about becoming a family.

At that point, Richard and my mom had been friends for two years, and had been dating for a year. I was eight years old. They asked how I’d feel if Richard moved in with us, and became my dad. They told me I didn’t need to call him “dad” unless I felt comfortable doing it. But he’d live with us and come home every night just like my mom did. He’d be around to play and do things with me, and help me with my homework (of course, he’d been doing those things already).

I was happy having a dad at home with us, but nervous, too. It changed some things between my mom and me, and that was hard to adjust to, at first. Luckily, they were both there to talk with me, and to ask me how they could help. My mom also took me to a child psychologist for a few months. She was really cool and helped me see things differently.

That was eight years ago and, now, it seems Dad has always been in my life. He’s been here for me through everything. We’ve done lots of great things together. I spent two years racing junior dragsters, with Dad as my pit crew and mechanic! I think that was the most fun we’ve had together-so far!

He tells me that his favorite memory, up to this point, was the time I was talking to some other kids in an elementary school class. I pointed to him and said, “There’s my dad!” He says that’s the proudest moment of his life.

There’s no doubt in my mind that he’ll always be there for me. His not being my biological dad doesn’t matter. He’s here when I need something, and when I just want to talk. Those are the important things.

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Continuing with my focus on dads, I’d like to share the following quotes with readers. They come from many different sources (authors, actors, generals, etc.); some are serious, some humorous. But they all have something great to say about fathers! For more great quotes, you can visit Don’t Quote Me.

*Confucius (551-479 BC), (K’ung Fu-tse) Chinese philosopher
“The father who does not teach his son his duties is equally guilty with the son who neglects them.”

*Bill Cosby (1937-) U.S. comedian and actor
“If the new American father feels bewildered and even defeated, let him take comfort from the fact that whatever he does in any fathering situation has a fifty percent chance of being right.”

*Sheldon Glueck (1896-1980) U.S. (Polish born) professor and criminologist
“The most effective guard against delinquency is a father who is at the same time both strict and loving.”

*Billy Graham (1918-) U.S. evangelist
“A good father is one of the most unsung, unpraised, unnoticed, and yet one of the most valuable assets in our society.”

*Kent Nerburn U.S. educator and author
“It is much easier to become a father than to be one.”

*William Shakespeare (1564-1616) English playwright and poet
“It is a wise father that knows his own child.”

*Mark Twain (1835-1910), (Samuel Clemens) U.S. author
“When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years.”

*Alice Walker (1944-) U.S. author
“It no longer bothers me that I may be constantly searching for father figures; by this time, I have found several and dearly enjoyed knowing them all.”

*Red Buttons (1919-2006), (Aaron Chwatt) U.S. actor
“Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.”

*Douglas MacArthur (1880-1964) U.S. statesman and military leader
“By profession I am a soldier and take great pride in that fact, but I am also prouder, infinitely prouder, to be a father. A soldier destroys in order to build; the father only builds, never destroys.”

[/tags]dads, fathers, quotes, dad quotes, father quotes, Confucious, Bill Cosby, Sheldon Gleuck, Billy Graham, Kent Nerbern, William Shakespeare, Mark Twain, Alice Walker, Red Buttons, Douglas MacArthur, parenting teens, parenting teenagers[/tags]

Blogging isn’t all about moms, or just parenting in general. There are some really good blogs out there written by and for dads. Here’s a sampling of some of the ones I’ve found.

*Divorced Dads Matter-Divorced Dads Matter is a site started by a typical father who was, and is still, constantly amazed at the prevailing social view of father’s as secondary parents and the court systems approval of this attitude. Divorced Dads Matter seeks to offer support, information, and a voice for good fathers that simply want to love and be a meaningful part of their children’s lives.

*DaddyBlogger-Advocating Shared Parenting and Step-Parents

*Daddy Zine-
One-time boy wonder turned father figure, the publisher of Daddyzine came up from the mean streets of Normal, Illinois.
Days he raises his daughter, nights he traffics in 18th & 19th century first editions and manuscript material. Given this conflation of roles, he writes rather in the spirit of Hannah More and shall attempt herein to express his ideas in terms adapted to the meanest understanding.

*Freaked-Out Fathers-Welcome to a place where you can kick back and chuckle. That’s pretty much my intention for this blog. I’m a Dad, my best buds are Dads, I often coach parents (some of whom are … Dads!) - so I know that occasionally you Dads need:

* info about fathering that helps you do it more intentionally and effectively,
* conversation with other blokes about the trials, frustrations and challenges of being a Family Guy,
* and a damn good laugh!

*Cubicle Dad-
I’m busy just trying to balance my family, work, my plans to stage a coup in a Third World Country, dealing with my mental health…and trying to get out of this damned cubicle some.

This is just a sampling! Visit these guys blogrolls for even more great blogs on fathers!

dads, fathers, fathering, blogs, blogging, parenting, parenting blogs, parenting teens, parenting teenagers

“One night a father overheard his son pray:
Dear God, Make me the kind of man my Daddy is.
Later that night, the Father prayed,
Dear God, Make me the kind of man my son wants me to be.�?
Author Unknown

When you write a parenting blog as a woman (especially as a woman who was a single parent for several years), it can be easy to come across as being from a mom’s point of view most of the time. I’ve had several people tell me that’s true of my blog. So, with Father’s Day coming up on June 17th, I wanted to try and make up for some of that by focusing mainly on fathers during the upcoming two weeks.

One website that I’ve come across that I really like is My Hero. One of the site’s features is titled Family Hero: Father Figures. It talks about some famous father figures and what they do to help children. In addition, it has statements and essays from children and teens talking about their own fathers or father figures. Probably my favorite feature about this site, though, is that it provides a chance to participate. Anyone can create a web page about their heroes-be it fathers, father figures, or anyone else a person chooses.

Share this site with your teens, as well as your younger children. It gives them a chance to pay tribute to the father, or father figure, in their lives!

father, fathers, Father’s Day, dad, dads, father figures, parenting teens, parenting teenagers

Coming up with fun summer activities to do with your kids changes a little when they’re teens or tweens. For the most part, they no longer like to do crafts with popsicle sticks or make their own treats with little faces done with raisins and cherries! It can be a challenge.

Family activities with teens can be fun for the whole family. So far, in the week-and-a-half that my 16-year-old daughter’s been out of school, we’ve managed to fit in two family movies-Shrek The Third and Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End. Both were great movies, although I didn’t really like the third Shrek as much as I did the first two. We’re also looking forward to Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, and a few other movies which are coming out this summer.

Concerts are another great thing to do with teens. Find an artist or band you can all agree on seeing. If you never agree on these kinds of things, give a little. You might find that you enjoy some of the same music your teen likes! This Saturday, June 2, my daughter and I will be attending Starfest 2007, a concert presented by Atlanta radio station Star 94. Their lineup this year includes headliners Daughtry, as well as Dashboard Confessional and Augustana. I, personally, could do without Dashboard Confessional and Augustana. I love some of their songs, but am not particularly dying to see them in concert. I did become a big fan of Chris Daughtry during last year’s American Idol, though, so I’m definitely looking forward to seeing him.

Later this summer, we’ll be seeing last year’s American Idol winner, Taylor Hicks and, probably, attending this year’s American Idol concert. In the spirit of giving a little, she’s also accompanying me to a concert whose lineup includes Def Leppard and Journey.

We’ll be enjoying a two-week trip to visit my father, brother and sister-in-law, which is always fun for us. We get to lie around, relax, and just talk and enjoy one another’s company! My sister-in-law is big on antiquing, so we’ll probably do a little of that, as well. Trips to visit grandparents or other family members can be fun activities for teens, as well as younger children.

Summer’s also a great time to catch up on reading. We’re both looking forward to Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, and we’ve been to the library and stocked up for the next two weeks.

We’ll also be going on a couple of hikes with Dad and probably some short trips like the zoo and the aquarium, since we all love animals. Activities with teens can be a bit more of a challenge but, if everyone’s willing to give a little, they can be easier to find and a lot of fun!

[tags]Shrek The Third, Pirates of the Caribbean, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End, Harry Potter, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Daughtry, Dashboard Confessional, Augustana, American Idol, Chris Daughtry, Taylor Hicks[/tags

Yesterday was my father’s 78th birthday. While my brother and sister were both there for it, I won’t get to see my dad for another couple of weeks. So I decided to make today’s post about my dad. In keeping with the fact that this blog is about parenting teens, I’m going to talk about some memories of my dad from my teen years.

When I was 15, my dad took me to get my learner’s permit. It took the patience of a saint to teach me to drive. My dad didn’t have the patience of a saint! (How many of us do?) However, he did have the experience of having taught my older sister to drive just six years earlier. I remember all those times when I know he wanted to swear at me. And I can remember a few times when he actually did! Despite the rough spots, learning to drive from my dad is a pleasant memory. At the time I was learning, he owned a 1972 Plymouth Satellite. If you want any more information on that check out William’s blog over at Automotive Blogger. He does some great stuff on cars! I’d love to have some of you comment about what kind of car you learned to drive in, and your memories of learning to drive.

Once I learned how to drive, however, I had it made. My father was an auto mechanic for most of his working life. My father not only helped me pick out my first car (which was a 1974 Chevrolet Vega GT, yes, one of those rustbuckets!), he was always on hand to change my oil and fix the car when anything happened. Some of my fondest memories are of helping my father fix the car. He got to pass along some of his expertise and I actually learned a few mechanical things!

My dad and I have both always had strong political opinions. When I was a teenager, I began to be a lot less shy about voicing my opinions. My dad and I usually disagreed. I can remember some very interesting debates that stopped just short of shouting matches about immigration, the Vietnam War and lots of other things. Some of those debates were started by the TV show “All In The Family” which we always watched together. If you’ve ever watched it, you know that it often had politics involved.

I think my fondest recollection of my dad from my teen years involves “Star Wars”. When I became a teenager, I discovered horror and science fiction books and movies, and I’ve been into both of them ever since. My dad never understood the attraction. But he did take me to see “Star Wars” when it was released in 1977. I was a few months shy of my sixteenth birthday and I took a friend with me (she really didn’t see the attraction either). To save you working the math, that makes me 45 years old! My dad sat through it, since the movie theater was about a thirty-minute drive from home and he really didn’t want to drive home and then come back. His pronouncement after sitting through the movie which is MY favorite movie of all time? “I don’t know why anyone would want to sit and watch a movie full of tin cans!” (Referring to the ships and the droids!). I found this hilarious then, and I still find it hilarious today!

I’ll stop here, because I have so many recollections of my dad from my teen years that I could write a book. Fathers are so important to all kids, including teenagers. I can’t imagine those years without my dad, and I’m happy to say that we have an even closer relationship now, despite the fact that there’s more physical distance between us. I’d love to hear from some of you about memories of your fathers, especially from your teen years!

If you want more on fatherhood, visit Dave at All About Fatherhood.

fathers, dads, fatherhood, Star Wars, All In The Family, teens, teenagers, parents, parenting

“For a boy to reach adulthood feeling that he knows his father, his father
must allow his emotions to be visible-hardly an easy task when most
males grow up being either subtly or openly taught that this is not
acceptable behavior. A father must teach his son that masculinity and
feelings can go hand in hand.”

Kyle D. Pruett, professor and child psychiatrist, in The Nurturing Father(Warner Books, 1987). After 20 years, this quote is still timely and, in the case of many men, still a difficult thing to do, especially with teens.

This book is still an exceptionally good, and highly recommended, book for fathers to read. Pruett based this book on his findings in a five-year study of 17 two-parent families, in which the father was the primary caregiver. This book is highly supportive of fathers and talks about the ways in which fathers can and should share their emotions with their children. It was Pruett’s conclusion in this book(and most of us will agree) that father’s nurture well, but differently.

As a father, how do you feel you relate to your teenage son? How your own father related to you will, no doubt, be a large factor. Although men showing emotion has become more acceptable, it is often still not easy to incorporate this into parenting, especially when your sons become teenagers.

To a large number of men, there is still something almost taboo about showing emotion, even occasionally. Men must be strong and unyielding-providers and protectors. However, letting your teenage son know that showing his emotions is okay is especially important during the teen years.

Teenage boys too often suppress their feelings, which can lead to depression and behavior problems. Teen boys need outlets for their emotions, and who better to give them an outlet than their fathers. Let your teenage son know that it is acceptable to you to cry when he’s unhappy, to vent when he’s angry, to show his happiness when he’s feeling good.

Often, it is not easy to model this type of behavior for your teen son, especially if your own father did not model it for you. Reading The Nurturing Father can be a good beginning to helping your teenage son toward a more healthy outlook-and to being a good father to his own children one day.

fathers, sons, teenage sons, father-son relationships, teen emotions