Parenting Teens

I had to wait a full 24 hours before writing this one, as the first draft after the incident would have been full of words that would make a sailor blush and Mama hide her eyes and cringe. Now, at least I can speak without stuttering, and view things a little bit clearer. Though with the clarity comes a dark boiling fury that wants to leap free - I’m just in control of it now, whereas yesterday… oh my.

I don’t write about my youngest, my 9 year old, here too often yet, as she’s technically not a teen, or even a tween, though when her issues or conversations should be included for a story, they are. She’s my baby, and I’m full aware - as I’ve mentioned before - that I’m completely doomed with her when puberty hits full force. Right now though, she’s still all knees and elbows and legs and arms that refuse to work in the same direction at the same time despite how much she wants them too. She’s sass, and attitude, and chatter and giggling, and frilly and girly and divaliciousness AND random tears for no reason at all (hello hormones!). She’s my drama queen, she - just like my older kids - is my life.

And when she hurts - I want to hurt someone back. I want to make it go away. I want to FIX it, and make it better. But as a mom, I know that I can’t lash out. I have to teach her how to deal with things on her own. I have to be the bigger mom, the better parent, the smarter adviser so that she grows up stronger then most, and definitely smarter then those who have the actual problem because their parents can’t be bothered with the job of raising civilized offspring.

Sometimes, it’s easy.
A lot of the time it’s hard as hell.
Yesterday, it was EXCRUCIATING.

The pup came home from school worried about her gym shoes - because the laces were frayed and she thought someone had done it on purpose to get back at her. She was worried about telling me, so told her auntie instead - and that’s when the full story emerged. It’s never just about the shoes.

There was an incident in her classroom, when the teacher had stepped in the hallway to deal with another problem. There were names called, and accusations thrown, and then the two boys who have been picking at my daughter for a month now (one of which we’ve had problems with before for a year or so), hit her below the belt. Not physically - this was far worse. These boys, 4th grade boys, told my daughter that her father never loved her, that he left because he didn’t care about her, that he never wanted her to begin with.

For those that don’t know, her father, my husband, died unexpectedly 3.5 years ago.

She couldn’t hold it in - she fought back, though with only words. The whole classroom erupted into screaming, and then she did what I had taught her. She turned and walked away, why these two little…. these two boys called her names. The teacher hurried back in - all this happened in mere moments - and got the classroom under control, and no one, not even my daughter, told her what had started the fight. She doesn’t want to be a tattletale, and she knew she should have walked away and gotten the teacher first. And when she discovered her shoelaces, and how destroyed they were - when they had not been that way earlier - she thought they had done it on purpose, and transferred all that worry into hoping I wouldn’t be mad about the shoelaces, even though I’ve told her time and time again that THINGS don’t matter, people do. She had to cling to something to transfer her worry to, something tangible since she knew that the boys were wrong, that they had lied, and that they had hurt her on purpose.

Of course her auntie told me, and we told the teacher, and let her know what really happened. I also assured the pup that I could fix the damn shoelaces - they weren’t a problem. The teacher had a class meeting this morning, and made sure to phrase things in such a way that there were no fingers pointing at the pup, that would make the boys act out against her again today, and we - the teacher and I - have an action plan of what to do should it start to escalate again.

The pup and I had another talk about walking away, about getting to a teacher if needed, and about words and stupid people don’t matter in the grand scheme of things because SHE knows the truth. Her daddy loved her more than life, I love her with the same intensity, and nothing anyone ever says could change that. The boys found a soft spot that would hurt her, and pushed.

I wish I knew how to teach her to protect her heart, while still keeping it as full and open as it always as been. I wish I could wrap her up and protect her from all the assholes of this world, no matter what age they might be. I want to keep her SAFE, and secure, yet still teach her to be as fiercely independent as she desires to be. I wish it didn’t hurt so badly when someone hurts my baby, and I wish I could strike back.

Instead, I can only do what I can do - hold her close, until she’s done letting me comfort her. Let go when she wants to walk on her own, yet hover close enough to catch her when she falls. Step back and let her fall when she thinks she’s ready too - so that I can pick her back up again, until she’s strong enough to pick herself up, dust herself off, and try once more.

I’m never sure if I’m doing enough, too much, not near enough. All I can do is try to help pad the soft spots, while keeping them open and free-flowing and strong.

Sometimes being the bigger, better parent sucks donkey balls.

Then, this morning, she reminded me just why we put ourselves through it, as she woke up happy and smiling and danced her way through her day on cloud nine. She even told me when she got home that for some reason, she was happier than ever today - and no one could tell that she had a problem yesterday because she was so happy and thrilled with life. For some reason, her day was just… good. No, today it was great. She doesn’t need to know why - it just was.

I think I know why. I think that her daddy held her up today, wrapped in his arms, wrapped in his love that was so big in life that it transcends death.

And I think she’ll be okay.

Are your teen’s teachers male or female? Does that question ever come up for you? Do you consider whether your student is getting good role models from both sexes?

Nationally, the number of male teachers in classrooms is declining, especially in elementary schools. According to Scholastic,
in 1980 about 17 percent of teachers in elementary school classrooms were male, compared with 14.2 percent today. In secondary schools, the number of men in classrooms has dropped from just over 50 percent in 1980 to less than 40 percent today.

The National Education Association (NEA) puts the percentage of male teachers nationwide at a 40 year low. And, according to NEA president Reg Weaver, the scarcity of male teachers is unfortunate, given the high divorce rate and men increasingly absent from the home. He says that male teachers are increasingly needed as role models for children.

“…one of the reasons colleges of education find it difficult to attract men into the profession (is) because of the outdated notion that teaching is a woman’s profession,” Weaver said. “And that could not be further from the truth.” The perception of teaching as a woman’s profession is still there, as is the reality of low pay and men needing to be breadwinners. However, more reasons than those are also part of the decline.

According to Steve Peha, president of Teaching That Makes Sense, Inc., other factors are more important. Many male teachers go into administrative positions to be more upwardly mobile. Others may not like being one of the few male teachers in a school, where they experience loneliness. And many feel threatened in a society where parents are likely to bring sexual misconduct charges at the drop of a hat. “I’ve had plenty of principals admit to me in private that they just don’t want to deal with men in the primary grades at all,�? Peha says. “It’s not prejudice, it’s politics. They know that women in those positions will be more readily accepted by parents.�?

It’s our children who lose because of these attitudes, most especially, perhaps, the boys. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, in 2006, 12.9 million households were headed by single parents, with 10.4 million of those headed by single mothers. Boys need role models in a society where men may increasingly be absent from the household on a full-time basis.

As a single mother who raised a daughter alone for several years, I can also attest to the fact that girls need good male role models. My daughter had the best in my father and my brother, but I also appreciated the male teachers that she did have in her elementary school years, and I continue to be grateful to the positive male role models in her high school.

This is an issue to think about, as well as to encourage young men who have an interest in teaching to pursue that interest. Male teachers are in high demand, and there is a very real service that they provide-not just by being teachers, but by being role models for those who need them.

For information on homeschooling, visit Mom Is Teaching

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I’m really on my soapbox this morning, so I just have to blog about it! I found this article online at the Athens Banner-Herald, a local paper here in Georgia. Apparently, parents of kids at Malcolm Bridge Elementary School in Oglethorpe County, Georgia, are up in arms over their children seeing a video with a scene depicting childbirth.

The show is a 1997 episode of “Reading Rainbow” called “On The Day You Were Born.” According to the article, teachers have been showing this video every year since it was aired in 1997. It is part of the school’s approved curriculum. The video is part of a section of lessons on family changes, and depicts a real family of five dealing with the expected birth of a new child.

I haven’t seen the video, but the article describes the controversial(!) scene as real, and not a dramatization. The mother is shown from the side dressed in a hospital gown, and no private parts are revealed. Following the birth, the doctor holds up the newborn for the camera.

Some parents were outraged that their children had been shown this video. One mother called it “disgusting” and thought that parents should have been notified that it would be shown. The teachers who showed the video wrote a letter home to the parents, apologizing for any issues it had caused.

What is wrong with these people?! Since when is childbirth disgusting? I’m the proud mom of a 17-year-old. I remember her birth as though it were yesterday. There was nothing disgusting about it. I’ll grant you, there were moments in there when I wasn’t exactly having fun, but I certainly didn’t find it repulsive. And just look what I have to show for it!

I’m genuinely amazed by the attitudes of some people. What kind of examples are we setting for our children by making so much fuss over something which is a normal, natural part of life? I wonder what that mom will say if her child asks if she found his/her birth “disgusting?”

I realize this has nothing in particular to do with teenagers, but I’ve seen parents of teens with the same strait-laced attitudes. Let’s lighten up here, people!

For more on younger children, go to
Parenting Children

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