Parenting Teens

Exactly what is hooking up? Author and journalist Laura Sessions Stepp in her new book Unhooked
writes that hooking up “isn’t exactly anything.” It may “consist entirely of one kiss, or it can involve fondling, oral sex, anal sex, intercourse or any combination of those things. It can happen only once with a partner, several times during a week or over many months. … It can mean the start of something, the end of something, or the whole something.”

In this new book, Stepp (who also authored Our Last Best Shot: Guiding Our Children Through Early Adolescence) examines the cultural practice of “hooking up.” She does this by following three high school girls and six college women through a year of their lives, chronicling their sexual behavior.

None of these girls are women date, form long-term relationship or, actually, any serious relationship of any kind. Instead, they “hook up.” The partners in hooking up agree that there will be no commitment or feelings. According to Stepp, college women say that they are too obsessed with academic and career success to have time for a real relationship. High school girls say that lovey-dovey relationships are “yucky.” Stepp wonders (as do I and, in my opinion, any other parents who want their children to have a happy life) how these girls will learn to establish and sustain long-term, intimate relationships.

I want my daughter to, eventually, have a life partner, someone with whom she can share the rest of her life, not just the physical and sexual aspects. Of course, I know that there will be some number of shorter relationships before that happens, but if she engage only in “hooking up,” how would she find out what longer-term, committed relationships are like. Indeed, how would she find out anything about a man other than physical characteristics?

This book looks as though it will raise any number of questions. Did you practice any “hooking up” when you were younger? Would you want your daughter or son to engage in hook-ups exclusively, rather than having long-term, committed relationships? Do you think hooking up would be an acceptable behavior earlier on in life, if your son or daughter later developed longer, more intimate relationships?”

I’m dying to know what other parents out there with high school and college age kids think about this. Get back to me on this one, everyone!

Laura Sessions Stepp, Unhooked, hooking up, hook-ups, teens, sexual behavior, teenagers, parents, parenting

Today, I’m going to climb up on my soapbox. After five interminably long years, the federal No Child Left Behind Act is up for reauthorization. My opinion, in no uncertain terms, is “Let’s scrap this thing now!”

At the U.S. Department of Education’s website, you can find a document in pdf format titled Building On Results: A Blueprint for Strengthening the No Child Left Behind Act.. Read this document for yourself and decide how you feel about it. I’d love to hear from parents regarding their feelings on the No Child Left Behind Act. Here are a few of my opinions, in regard to how this act has affected my daughter and others that I know.

First, I’d like to say that I’ve talked to a great many teachers about this subject. I’ve talked with teachers at my daughter’s high school, with other teachers in her school, other schools in our district and state, and, via e-mail, with teachers in other states. Not a single teacher with whom I’ve talked has approved of the No Child Left Behind Act (NCLB). The most common thread among all their complaints is the fact that they were required to gear all their teaching toward the passing of standardized tests. Teaching outside the box is not allowed. Many of them spoke of projects they would have liked to assign, field trips they would have liked to take their students on, etc., which they felt would have raised their students interest levels in the course materials. But special projects would have taken up time which they could not have afforded in the never-ending quest for higher test scores. Never mind that students might have done better on those tests had they had more interest in the subject. As far as field trips, setting aside the fact that money was often not there for them due to budget cuts, they could not afford the time out of the classroom-again due to that quest for higher test scores.

Several teachers have mentioned to me that they had thought of giving up teaching because NCLB had made conditions in the classroom so rigid and inflexible that neither they, nor their students, could enjoy learning any more. My sister, who has been an elementary school teacher for years, moved to teaching a private pre-K class this year, because it was not bound by NCLB rules. She has told me that she will move back to teaching in public elementary grades when NCLB is repealed. Is this the way to improve our schools? By losing good teachers who are so put off by that this act that they are ready to quit teaching?

Another of my problems with this act has been that, while it has concentrated on lower grades, high school students have suffered. As the report freely states, reading and math scores among 17-year-olds have fallen. And here are a few other statistics in the report:

*”Our 15-year-olds ranked 24th out of 29 developed nations in math literacy and problem-solving…
*”The U.S. has fallen to ninth place in the world in high school graduation rates among young
adults…”
*”Less than half the students who do graduate are ready for college level math and
science coursework…”

Basically, this tells me that, while we have spent five years attempting to raise scores on standardized tests, which most teachers to not feel adequately represent a child’s progress anyway, our high school students are going out into the world unprepared to make a living for themselves in what is a highly competitive world even when you are well-educated! This should bother all parents of teenagers!

How is NCLB proposing to change the problems among high school students? First, with more standardized testing! This act pushes assessments and data to the limit and beyond. Scores on standardized testing and the data collected from said tests has become the holy grail of our nation’s public education system. As long as your student performs up to a certain standard on a test, all is well. If not, a monkey wrench is thrown into the works and, so this act would have us believe, the machinery either comes to a grinding halt or is, in some way, not performing up to standard.

Our children are individuals. Individuals do not necessarily all perform at standard levels. My daugher is in the gifted program at her school. She can make good scores on standardized tests if she does them in her sleep. She has friends who are equally intelligent who make low scores on standardized tests. She’s not smarter than they are. I’m not trying to brag here. I’m simply pointing out that standardized testing is a very poor way of assessing students’ abilities, since, regardless of their intelligence level, many of them will simply not perform well.

The No Child Left Behind Act is an attempt to push all students into a standardized group. It focuses so narrowly on every child meeting standards that it does not take into account the individuality of our children. It wants to push some children into areas into which they are not capable of going-and I’m talking about both children with learning problems and gifted children. It is a grand attempt at mediocrity.

No Child Left Behind Act, U.S. Department of Education, standardized testing, school, teens, children, parents

Practically everyone who has access to the Internet these days knows about Web MD. It’s one of the most, if not the most popular site for medical information. Recently, Web MD reported on a news study published by the journal Pediatrics on the emotional toll of teen sex.

In this study, all of the teens reported having vaginal and/or oral sex by spring of the 10th grade. It also reported that girls were three times as likely as boys to say they felt used as a result of having sex, and twice as likely to say they felt bad about themselves.

To me, this says we need to be talking more with our teens about sex. Not just about whether they should or shouldn’t be having sex, but about their feelings and emotions regarding themselves and their sexual activity. I’m not advocating telling your teen that it’s okay to go out and have sex any time they want. But if they are sexually active, we need to get over our moral outrage enough to talk with them about protecting themselves both physically and emotionally.

Talk to your teen about their emotional relationships and how sex can affect them. Tell them about your own early experiences with sex and how you felt about it. Yes, it can be difficult to get the words out-difficult to talk about something that most people feel is a very private matter. But remember, this is your child. If he or she isn’t worth doing something very difficult, then who is?

This goes for boys as well as girls. The longstanding double-standard in our society is that, while boys are looked up to for having sex, girls are seen as either “good girls” or “bad girls” depending on whether they are sexually active. While this standard is easing, it is still out there.

Talk to your teenager today about sex and its effect on their emotions. Let them know that you are there for them. If they are feeling bad about a sexual relationship, talk with them about the reasons for this. Did they have sex before they felt really ready? Did the sexual partner do or say something which made them feel this way? Whatever you do, don’t shy away from this subject. It is one which teens need to discuss. Some guidance, or just being able to talk with you about it, can make all the difference.

teens, teenagers, sex, teen sex, teen sexual activity, parents, parenting, Web MD, Pediatrics

Does your teenage daughter seem to be sullen and angry with you most of the time? Does your teen son spend all his time locked in his room away from you and the rest of the family? Would you like to have a better relationship with your teenager? At some point, almost every parent of a teenager has despaired at ever being able to “get through” to their child again!

Following are five things you can do to develop a better relationship with your teen. It requires patience. Things will not get better right away, and it will take longer with some teens than with others. In some cases, it will require plain old “grit-your-teen-and-refuse-to-give-up” stubbornness on your part. But, if you do these five things regularly and often, your relationship with your teen willget better at some point.

1. Listen to your teen.
This means really listen-not just let them rattle on, while you are doing the housework or watching TV, and nodding and saying mm-hmm every once in a while. If your teenager is talking to you about a problem in school, a dance that is coming up, something new she wants to buy or his favorite TV show-really listen. Sit down and give him/her your full attention for at least 10 minutes. This will show your teenager that you really care about him and will also give you a lot of insight into his likes/dislikes and personality.

2. Talk to your teen.
Again, this means really talk-not just remind her to do her homework or clean her room, not just ask if she needs any money or how things are going at school. Talk about things like music, television, current events; talk to her as though she’s a friend, not your child. This will give your teen a glimpse into your life, and let them know that your entire life is not about being a parent, but that you are a person with likes and dislikes and a personality of your own.

3. Respect your teen.
This means respecting him as a person, as a unique individual, in the same way that you respect others. The problem many parents have relating to their teenagers is that they expect teens to react to their parents in the same ways they did as children. But teens have a more developed awareness and sense of self. They have developed their own opinions and they would like to have those opinions respected, just as we all want to be respected. This doesn’t mean you give up ultimate parental control, but it does mean that you should listen to your teen’s point of view and take it into account.

4. Set aside time for your teenager.
With younger children, most parents set aside time to be spent exclusively with a child-to play with the child, read to him, take him to the park-whatever will be fun to the child and helpful to his development. With teenagers, it can be easy to let this habit slip away. After all, your teen doesn’t need you to read to him and he doesn’t play with the same toys he did as a child. But teenagers still need their parents time. Spend your time talking to your teen about both his interests and yours. Go to a movie together. Go out to lunch. Play video games. You may not spend quite as much time with him as you did when he was younger. But continue to set aside time that the two of you can spend together just enjoying one another’s company. This is the way teens play and develop.

5. Love your teen.
This is the point at which most people will protest, “But of course I love my teen! She’s my child!” And of course you do love your teen. But do you show it as often as you could? It can be difficult to express love to your teen. Teens often react with embarrassment or disdain at the simple phrase “I love you.” But talking with your teen, respecting her and spending time with her are all ways of showing that you love her without actually speaking the words. The words are important and you shouldn’t stop saying them, but you must back them up with actions. Teens do not accept the words as readily and without question as younger children.

The five points stated above can all help your relationship with your teen. As I stated in the beginning, it will take time. It doesn’t happen overnight, and it might take longer than you would like. But be persistent. It will pay off in the end.

teens, teenagers, parents, parenting, parent-teen relationships

At what age does your child become an adolescent? Is there a point at which you can put your finger on it? A certain birthday when you can say for sure that your child is now an adolescent?

Today, it is common to hear parents comment that their 10- or 11-year-old is “acting like a teenager.” It is no longer uncommon for children of these ages to begin acting out adolescent behavior. Although most people equate being an adolescent with being a teenager, this is an arbitrary classification.

Basically, adolescence begins when puberty starts. The beginning of adolescence depends on a child’s emotional and physical maturity and varies from child to child. Other factors affecting the beginning of adolescence include the stressors of a child’s environment and the influence of their peers.

Obvious physical signs of puberty in boys are:

*facial or chest hair
*deepening of the voice
*increased awareness of their sexuality

Obvious physical signs for girls are:

*beginning menstruation
*development of their breasts
*voice changes (more subtle than those in boys)

A recent study by the American Academy of Pediatrics revealed that physical signs of puberty occur in girls as young as 7 or 8, although such early signs of puberty are not as common in boys.

How should a parent handle early onset of puberty? Make a visit to your pediatrician or family physician and have your child checked to make sure there are no problems you should know about. Beyond that, as a parent, you need to have talks with your child about their physical and emotional changes-probably much earlier than you expected.

As a parent and a social worker, I know these conversations can be difficult-especially with younger children. If you need help with approaching the subject, talk with your child’s doctor, a school counselor or some other trusted professional about the best way to handle the situation. It will be an adjustment for you and your child but, if handled correctly, will leave both you and your new “adolescent” feeling good about yourselves!

adolescent, adolescence, parents, parenting, teens, teenagers, American Academy of Pediatrics, physical signs of adolescence