Parenting Teens

The debate over the vaccine for human papillomavirus(HPV) rages on. I haven’t joined the fray until now, mainly because my fellow 451 Press blogger, Erinn over at Parenting Our Children has had a couple of recent posts on it, and I didn’t want our blogs to overlap. Today, however, the Atlanta Journal-Constitution reported that the Georgia state senate approved a bill yesterday which would require that girls in Georgia who are entering the sixth grade be vaccinated against HPV. As a resident of Georgia, I decided it was past time for me to enter the fray.

To begin, U.S. Representative Phil Gingrey of Georgia (an OB/GYN and father, as well as a member of Congress) makes a good point in his Editorialin the same paper. Decisions about healthcare should be the responsibility of parents. He believes the Georgia Legislature should not take such a decision away from families. So do I-to a point.

However, I also noted some good point made in the replies to the paper’s Online blog. Among them:

*Nikki’s comment: …”I don’t think anyone wants to have to say to their adult daughter later in
life, ‘You might have avoided this terrible disease if I’d not thought that
getting vaccinated for it would make you promiscuous.’ …This vaccine isn’t
going to make anyone more or less likely to engage in sexual behavior, but it
will reduce the chance that your daughters will develop cancer.
I think that makes this a no-brainer.”

*JJMB’s comment: “This is a slam dunk. No brainer. One shot to prevent a common cancer.
Talk about a miracle.”

Now, of course, there are also a lot of good arguments the other way. Some of them, like Congressman Gingrey, are concerned with turning over too many rights to the government-always a concern. Some of them are religious. Some are concerned over side effects-also always a concern. Many make the tired old argument that giving girls this vaccine is saying to them “Go out and have all the sex you want!”

As far as my opinion on this goes, let me say first that I have a 16-year-old daughter who will definitely be given this vaccine. I’m concerned about side effects, yes,-but I was also concerned about side effects when she had all her normal childhood vaccinations. I’m basically with the contingent that doesn’t see what all the fuss is about. This vaccine can help prevent my daughter getting cancer. I’ve known people who died of cervical cancer. My own mother died of lung cancer. If I can do anything to help prevent my child from getting cancer- Well, like JMMB said, it’s a no-brainer.

I’m also not normally in favor of giving away our rights to the government. But, wait a minute. Aren’t these also our children’s rights that we’re talking about? Don’t they have the right to be given any protection available from a deadly disease? There are many parents out there who simply don’t keep up with things like this. So, what about the girls whose parents never find out about this vaccine? Also, having worked with a lot of children and families, I’ve seen first-hand that there are parents out there (divorced parents, never-married parents, and even parents who are married) who will oppose a medical treatment just to spite the other parents. You know the type. Those parents who turn their children into weapons on their battlegrounds.

So, what should the argument really be about? The rights of parents to make decisions about their children? The rights of children to be protected from this disease? Are they the same argument? Let me know how you feel about the HPV vaccine and the other issues I’ve raised.

Here are some other blogs discussing the same issue:

*Char at Weary Parent
*Gayla at Gayla’s Place
*Sarah Collins Honenberger at Read White Lies
*Angela at Herpes Simplex Help

HPV, HPV vaccine, human papillomavirus, human papillomavirus vaccine, Atlanta Journal-Consitution, Georgia, Georgia State Legislature, Phil Gingrey, teen healthcare, teens, teenagers, parenting, parenting teens, parenting teenagers

Exactly what is hooking up? Author and journalist Laura Sessions Stepp in her new book Unhooked
writes that hooking up “isn’t exactly anything.” It may “consist entirely of one kiss, or it can involve fondling, oral sex, anal sex, intercourse or any combination of those things. It can happen only once with a partner, several times during a week or over many months. … It can mean the start of something, the end of something, or the whole something.”

In this new book, Stepp (who also authored Our Last Best Shot: Guiding Our Children Through Early Adolescence) examines the cultural practice of “hooking up.” She does this by following three high school girls and six college women through a year of their lives, chronicling their sexual behavior.

None of these girls are women date, form long-term relationship or, actually, any serious relationship of any kind. Instead, they “hook up.” The partners in hooking up agree that there will be no commitment or feelings. According to Stepp, college women say that they are too obsessed with academic and career success to have time for a real relationship. High school girls say that lovey-dovey relationships are “yucky.” Stepp wonders (as do I and, in my opinion, any other parents who want their children to have a happy life) how these girls will learn to establish and sustain long-term, intimate relationships.

I want my daughter to, eventually, have a life partner, someone with whom she can share the rest of her life, not just the physical and sexual aspects. Of course, I know that there will be some number of shorter relationships before that happens, but if she engage only in “hooking up,” how would she find out what longer-term, committed relationships are like. Indeed, how would she find out anything about a man other than physical characteristics?

This book looks as though it will raise any number of questions. Did you practice any “hooking up” when you were younger? Would you want your daughter or son to engage in hook-ups exclusively, rather than having long-term, committed relationships? Do you think hooking up would be an acceptable behavior earlier on in life, if your son or daughter later developed longer, more intimate relationships?”

I’m dying to know what other parents out there with high school and college age kids think about this. Get back to me on this one, everyone!

Laura Sessions Stepp, Unhooked, hooking up, hook-ups, teens, sexual behavior, teenagers, parents, parenting

Ever watch “The Gilmore Girls” with your teen? My daughter and I have loved the misadventures of Lorelai and daughter, Rory, from the beginning. (By the way, AmyD does a great job of covering the show and it’s stars over at Watching Gilmore Girls. Give it a read and you’ll love it!) We have a close relationship, similar to the show’s characters, although we have yet to reach the rough patches they have. I’m sure it will come, though. Every relationship has them.

Anyway, since school is closed for bad weather in our area, we’re planning a “Gilmore Girls” kind of day. We have some movies picked out-one of the “Star Wars” movies, “Driving Miss Daisy” and one other-yet to be chosen-movie. We may also watch a couple of “Gilmore Girls” episodes on DVD. We’ve already planned to order pizza for lunch. We have a supply of popcorn and candy laid in.

I love these kinds of days. They make me so glad I’m my own boss and can work or not, as I choose. When you’re able to have times like this with your teen, cherish them. They’ll be great times and great memories for both of you.

Gilmore Girls, parenting teens, teenagers, parents

Recent mother-teen daughter conversation, 10:00pm, typical weeknight:

Teenage Daughter(TD): Mom, I have to stay after school for a club meeting tomorrow. I need to be
picked up at 5:00..

Mom: Why am I only hearing about this now?

TD: Cause I forgot ’til just now. And I need $20.00 for club dues.

Mom(sighs as she reaches for her purse): It’s always something. Here’s 20 bucks. I’ll talk to my boss
in the morning and arrange to leave 30 minutes early to pick you up.

TD: Oh, I need to be at school 30 minutes early in the morning. Have to see my counselor.

Mom(feeling tension creep up the back of her neck): Have you done something?

TD: Yeah sure, Mom! I just need to talk to her about college applications.

Mom(feeling the tension moving up into her skull): Okay, I’ll set the alarm back, so we can be there.

TD: Oh, and I almost forgot- Tomorrow’s the last day to order yearbooks. I’ll need a check for $75.00.

Mom(getting exasperated and feeling headache setting in): What!? Now, this has to have been coming
up for weeks! Why didn’t you tell me about it before now!?

TD: ‘Cause I forgot! The order form’s been in the bottom of my backpack. I just picked up another
one today, ’cause I figured it’d be easier than trying to find the original.

Mom(signing check): You have GOT to get better organized! Okay, okay! Here’s a check. Don’t put it
in your backpack, or you’ll never see it again!

TD: Thanks, Mom. Oh, and just so you know ahead of time, we have a band trip this Saturday. We’ll
be gone overnight. I have to get packed and pay $25.00 for it on Friday. And I’ll need some
spending money, too.

Mom(sarcastically, and with splitting headache now): Thanks for all the notice. Is there anything you
don’t need money for?

TD(sighing): Mom, you’re so overly dramatic! This stuff isn’t expensive! Next week, we have to buy
prom tickets. Now, my dress and getting my hair styled-that’s going to be expensive!
Not to mention a manicure! Oh, and the pictures! And then there’s next fall, when I need a new
clarinet!

Mom(helpless and defeated): I’m going to bed. Wake me when you graduate! Here’s a signed check
made out to you. Just call and find out what my balance is and write it in. Here’s a savings
withdrawal slip that’s already signed, too. Just withdraw everything! Here’s my credit cards.
Don’t spend everything at the mall or you won’t have any money left for lunch! If you need any
more money between now and graduation, you’ll just have to call dad!

TD(giving me a hug): ‘Night, mom, and thanks! You know, that’s one thing I really love about you.
Your terrific sense of humor!

Do any of your conversations with your teens sound like this? Let me know, so we can commiserate!

teens, teenagers, parents, parenting, parenting teenagers, financial issues

Is your teenage daughter sexually active? Does she use contraceptives? It’s a difficult thing for parents of teen daughters to think about, but not thinking about it could turn out to be even more difficult-both for parents and daughters.

A study appearing in the January issue of The American Journal of Public Health suggests that 86% of the decline in teen pregnancy rates resulted from improved contraceptive use. The authors of the study, Dr. John Santelli and colleagues, concluded that the study raises serious questions about the value of the federal government’s funding of abstinence-only education programs that prohibit information about the benefits of condoms and contraception.

Personally, as the parent of a teenage daughter, I’ve long questioned the value of those programs. Yes, I’d prefer that my daughter not have sex without being in a serious relationship. But I’d prefer even more that she protect herself from unwanted pregnancy and sexually transmitted disease like HIV.

We cannot prevent our teens from having sex. It is a natural, normal part of being human. It will happen-with or without our consent or approval. Isn’t it more important that our teens be protected from pregnancy and disease than that our personal ideas of morality be upheld?

Have you talked with your daughter about sex, relationships and contraceptives? If not, do it right away. If she is sexually active, see to it that she has an examination by a gynecologist and has access to contraceptives. You can, and probably will, discuss your personal objections to her behavior many times. First, see to it that her life is protected.

teens, teenagers, parents, parenting, teen pregnancy, teenage pregnancy, teenage sexuality, American Journal of Public Health

I want to wish everyone a happy new year and apologize to readers of this blog for my long absence. For the past several months, I’ve found myself having a classic “sandwich generation” crunch. My father (who’s in his late 70’s) has had a serious illness and needed someone to stay with him. Unwilling to trust him to strange caregivers, unless it was absolutely necessary, my brother, sister and I split up the task.

Since my work hours are more flexible than theirs, I tended to stay more often. Wouldn’t have a really big problem updating my blog except that he lives three hours away from me. I spent a great deal of my time driving back and forth-trying to make sure I spent time with my daughter and fiance, as well as with my dad. Also, unfortunately, my dad has no internet connection at his house so, when I was there, I was totally disconnected!

He’s now recovered to the point where he can stay on his own most of the time, with frequent visits from my brother and sister, who both live much closer to him, and I’m now making my visits on weekends. He should be making a full recovery soon.

Now, a bit more about handling “sandwich generations” problems when you have a teenager. My 16-year-old has been a BIG help to me during the past months. She has cooked, cleaned and done a lot of things which made being away from home so much a bit easier-all while keeping up with her schoolwork, and getting ready for the holidays. I don’t think I could have done it without her! Luckily, I had no younger children who had to be cared for, and my fiance was there to help her with transportation to school and activities.

However, no amount of help can make up for missing family members and friends. When I was with my father, I constantly missed my daughter, fiance, and friends. When I was at home, I constantly missed, and worried about, my father. I’ve gone through this before, with my mother’s illness and passing almost four years ago. However, although the outcome is better this time, things seemed a bit more poignant with my daughter being older.

Since she began her sophomore year in high school this year, there seems to be a tiny clock ticking away in the back of my mind-a bit like the biological clock, but this one constantly reminds me that my at-home time with my daughter is slipping away. We have always had a very good relationship and I know we’ll continue to be close when she leaves home for college, work, etc., but the relationship will be different.

These past few months have reminded me to cherish every moment with her, because soon her “childhood” will be a thing of the past, and we’ll be relating to each other more as equals. Not that this is a bad thing. My relationship with my own mother was very good when I became an adult and had adult issues to discuss with her. But it means the passing of one era of her life and the beginning of another. My role in her life is changing. I’m wondering if it would be different if I still had younger children at home. Maybe some of you out there could let me know your thoughts on that?

Well, I’ve rambled on enough! This is the reason why I’ve been absent for the past several months. I’m happy to be back, and here’s wishing all of us a happy and productive year!

New Year, parents, teens, teenagers, sandwich generation, relationships, parenting

My 16-year-old daughter and I had a great experience together this past Saturday. We waited in line for a Nintendo Wii-myself for 12 hours and my daughter for eight hours. Now, this topic is usually best handled by BB over at 1pstart, but we had such a good time, I wanted to include it in my own blog.

My daughter wasn’t too wild about the Playstation 3. None of us had time to camp out for days and she had heard rumors that there were still lots of bugs in the PS3. However, she was adamant about getting a Wii. Only problem was the lines were going to be forming early and she was going to be at an Academic Team competition until 4:00 pm. Not to mention mom wasn’t too wild about the idea of her 16-year-old standing in line alone until midnight! Not after all the PS3 horror stories!

I’ve stood in line plenty of times myself-for movies, sci-fi conventions, concerts, etc. So, I braved the possible snickers and whispers from all the younger people who wanted the Wii and packed up my folding chair, a couple of books, and a blanket and went over to the local Wal-Mart at noon on Saturday. When I got there, I found a very disorganized “line”. However, when I asked where the end of the line was, the guys there said “We have a sign-up sheet going” and I put my name on the list at number 18.

The next 12 hours were really enjoyable. It was like being at a mini-convention! I found a spot for my chair, got something to drink and settled down with my book. But I really didn’t have time to read. Although, I’m not much of a gamer myself, the other people in the group (mostly early to late-20’s, with a couple of teenagers) were also fans of science fiction, horror, comic books, TV, movies-you name it. We talked a lot.

The employees were great! Shortly after I arrived, a couple of them came out to announce that they would have 18 Wii’s available. They wanted to let us know, so that the people who had arrived after number 18 (me, luckily!) would not be waiting around unnecessarily. At that point 25 people had signed up. Number 19 elected to stay, with the hope that something might happen so he could get one. The rest packed up and left, with a few grumbles.

Another employee brought an extension cord with several outlets. People promply brought out laptops. One guy went to his car and returned with a 13-inch portable TV and his PS2 and some games! People broke up into small groups to have a good time, while informing everyone who arrived to join the line that all the Wii’s at this site were already taken!

My daughter was delivered to the line with her chair and blanket by her dad at a few minutes after 4:00 pm. Everyone went between groups, keeping themselves and each other entertained! There was a gaming group around the TV and PS2 (which, after sunset was utilized for watching movies). Another guy set up his laptop and played horror movies. Yet another group gathered around a laptop to watch episodes of “Southpark”. Everyone watched each other’s stuff while we went to the restroom, walked to stretch our legs, or went for food.

When the night manager came on duty, he came out to take our list and promised us that he would go by the list and the 18 Wii’s that they had available would be given to the 18 people who had signed up and had been waiting. Later, he brought cookies out to us from the store’s bakery!

We talked gaming, movies, politics and every other conceivable subject! The time actually went by quickly, up until the last couple of hours, when people started to get excited. Friendships were made. Phone numbers and email addresses were exchanged. We had formed some good bonds.

Close to midnight, more people arrived. A few wanted to get angry and try to shove their way into line. However, the manager stuck to his word. At ten minutes to midnight, two employees and a security guard came out to get us. They lined us up according to our numbers on the list!
We walked in in a very orderly, if excited, line and got our Wii’s!

We clapped and cheered as each one of us walked away from the checkout with his game system and whatever games and accessories he had bought. We walked each other to our cars for security and said goodbye with promises to call and email each other.

My daughter and I agreed that the time spent in line was almost as great an experience as getting the Wii! It was one of the best parties either of us had been to in a long time! Thanks to those people and the employees who made this such an enjoyable experience!

Nintendo Wii, Wii, Wal-Mart, gaming, teens, parenting, Playstation 3

Here’s a great way for a mom to get closer to her teenage daughter. Does your daughter get any of the teen magazines, like “Seventeen” or “Cosmo Girl!”? They have quizzes in them on friendship, boyfriends and other subjects pertinent to teens.

Get the magazine and take turns doing the quizzes with your daughter! You can either do the quizzes from your present point of view, or (more fun) try and answer the questions the way you would have when you were your daughter’s age. Then, you and your daughter compare your answers!

Another interesting variation is for each of you to try and guess what answers the other would give. Whatever way you answer, each of you must agree to give honest answers. It’s a fun way for mother and daughter to get to know each other better! So get out your pencils and get going!

mom, daughter, Seventeen, Cosmo Girl!, teen, teenager, parenting, parents