Parenting Teens

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. It’s the perfect time to talk with your teen about the dangers of finding themselves involved in a relationship with violence or the potential for violence. According to the website Choose Respect, 1 in 11 high school students report being the victim of physical dating abuse, and about one in four teens reports verbal, physical, emotional, or sexual abuse each year.

Following is the text of the Teen Dating Bill of Rights:

Accept responsibility for myself and my actions.
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Be sure to talk with your teenager (whether male or female), about violence in relationships. Have them be watchful about any treatment or attitudes which make them uncomfortable from a boyfriend or girlfriend. Getting into inappropriate relationships can become a pattern. Help your teens know how to set boundaries, and be aware of the behavior of those with whom they have relationships.

For more on emotional issues, visit

Mental and Emotional Health

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Do you suspect that your teenager might be in an abusive relationship? Abusive relationships can take many forms, and do not necessarily involve physical abuse. A fairly new website, Love Is Respect, provides resources for teenagers, parents, friends, etc., about abusive aspects of relationships. They are also a helpline, accessible via internet or telephone. The phone number is 1-866-331-9474.

The following is a quiz they offer to see if your relationship might be abusive:

Does your boyfriend/girlfriend:

Look at you or act in ways that scare you?

Act jealous or possessive?

Put you down or criticize you?

Try to control where you go, what you wear or what you do?

Text or IM you excessively?

Blame you for the hurtful things they say and do?

Threaten to kill or hurt you or themselves if you leave them?

Try to stop you from seeing or talking to friends and family?

Try to force you to have sex before you’re ready?

Do they hit, slap, push or kick you?

This is excellent information for your teenager to have. Share the website and phone number with them. Urge them to look over the information, and to use the website or phone number if they need help. With abusive relationships on the rise, both teens and parents can use all the information and resources they can get.

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One of the questions currently making the rounds of Dear Abby is the following:

DEAR ABBY: I am a 17-year-old high school senior. Last summer I lost my virginity. Since then I have slept with six guys. Do you think my future husband will be seriously upset about it, even though he will probably have been out there more than I have?

I guess I want to know whether you think I have become free-spirited or just promiscuous. — POSSIBLY PROMISCUOUS IN MURFREESBORO, N.C.

DEAR POSSIBLY: What I think is less important than what YOU think is appropriate behavior. And if you were comfortable with what you have been doing, you wouldn’t have written me.

If you continue on this path, you are in for trouble. The first thing that comes to mind is whether or not you know how to protect yourself from an unplanned pregnancy or a sexually transmitted disease. If the answer is no, then you need to see a doctor or visit a Planned Parenthood clinic and learn about the real “facts of life.” These include being checked for any STD you might have already been exposed to.

In addition, you say that in the last seven or eight months you have slept with six different men. At the rate you’re going, in another six months that number could double, and by the time you are 25, the total could be close to 100. That is not what people refer to as “free-spirited.” It definitely is what they call promiscuous. So, please take a break from men for a while and think carefully about how casual sex could affect your future

I agree with Abby 100% on this one! Obviously, this girl is not comfortable with her own behavior, or she wouldn’t be questioning it.

What about your teens-both girls and boys? Have you talked with them about their sex lives lately? This goes for teens of legal age, as well as those who are underage. Are they sexually active? Are they comfortable with the way they are behaving, and with how they are expressing their sexuality?

This is an important issue, as it can affect the way they handle relationships for the rest of their lives. This type of issue can be very difficult to address, even with older teens, but find a way to do it. It can take away some of the constant worry you feel as a parent.

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I’ve posted once before on CafeMom and what a good place it is to hang out and get some good advice on parenting teens-or to ask for advice from other moms if you need it. I’ve started a discussion group there called Moms of Teenagers. I’m happy to say that the membership has been steadily growing and there have been some interesting topics have been brought up by members.

I want to share one of those topics with you here and find out if any readers of this sight have anything to add to the discussion. A mom of two teenage sons recently posted this:

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“My name is Dana, and I am “Mom” to two teenage boys ages: 15 and 19. I need some advice regarding my fifteen year old. He has a girlfriend that he has been “dating” for a little over a year now. It started out innocent enough - he could barely even talk to her. I was friends with her mother and he was also friends with the girl’s younger brother. The problem I have is, the girl is way too controlling, and my son for some reason allows her to be this way towards him. Even his friends notice the short chain she keeps him on, but yet he still continues to be led around like a puppy! He doesn’t do anything with any other friends and gets angry if I don’t allow him to see this girl almost every day. It is causing a strain on my repoir with him which in the past, has always been good.. Please advise.”
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Have any of you out there with teenage sons or daughters faced the “too-controlling girlfriend or boyfriend” issue yet? Please share your thoughts on handling this. Or maybe you faced that issue as a teen yourself and could talk about how it turned out for you.

I’d also like to invite Char over at Weary Parent andGayla’s Place to join in on this discussion. It would be great to have some input from fathers as well.

When should you allow your teen to begin dating? This is a question faced by every parent sooner or later. Opinions vary widely. If your teen wants to date someone at 13, should you allow it? Or should you insist that they wait until age 16? Or is there some other “magic” age that you have in mind?

First, you might have a talk with your teenager about what they consider to be “dating”. Some younger teens consider dating or “going with someone” to be mainly the contact they have at school. They may enjoy working on class projects together, or just hanging out together at lunch or recess. Knowing what your teen considers “dating” to be may help to lessen your stress about the situation.

Some concerns parents have include:

* Is my child responsible enough for dating?

* Will early dating lead to early sexual experimentation?

* Will my teen be safe on a date?

These are all valid parental concerns about teen dating.

David Elkind, professor of child study at Tufts University, and author of The Hurried Child lists several reasons why early dating (before age 14) can be a problem. Among these are that relationship skill may stay superficial. Boys and girls may use the impressions of relationships they see on TV and movies as guidelines for relationships. They may imitate the behavior of those relationships, rather than developing a real relationship with the other person.

Also, they may spend less time with same-sex friends. These relationships help teens learn many skills about getting along with others. These skills may not be developed as well if they begin dating early.

In addition, their personal identity may be underdeveloped at this age. People need a sense of personal identity in order to become close to another person. If a teen does not really know his or her likes and dislikes, and values, they may not be able to relate to a person in a healthy way.

Younger teens are more vulnerable to peer pressure. They may be pressured by partner into an early sexual relationship, if they begin to date too early. Research shows that teens who become sexual active early may have more difficulty in later relationships.

Dr. Elkind believes that 14 or 15 is the earliest age at which teens should start dating. Prior to those ages, parents can do several things to resist their teen’s pressure for early dating. Suggest group activities, such as sitting together at ball games and other school events. Have a frank discussion with your teen about your reasons for not wanting him/her to date early. Encourage your teen to be active in hobbies and activities that he/she enjoys, and stay involved with where your child is and what he/she is doing.

When your teenager does begin to date, set rules to help him or her get along better in dating situations. Set reasonable curfews. Not too early to allow time for conventional dates like movies or ball games. Not too late to allow your teen a lot of time afterward to be in an unsupervised situation. Set reasonable consequences as to what happens if your teen does not get home on time.

Plan activites such as inviting your teen’s date to a family dinner or out to a movie with the whole family. Allow some dates to take place at home, watching TV or movies, or playing video games, rather than going out. Allow reasonable amounts of time for talking on the phone, instead of always going out.

Keep lines of communication open with your teen, so that they will feel comfortable talking with you about dating situations. Above all, realize that parents are still one of the strongest influences in their teens’ lives. Your continuing involvement and participation in your teen’s life can help him or her to develop strong, healthy relationships with both sexes.

Source: The Hurried Child, David Elkind, Addison-Wesley

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