Parenting Teens

…and I’m presuming you were kids, teenagers, etc. since we didn’t actually catch you IN the act - we do know that you’re short, as you managed to pull the seat way forward. Heh. And since we’re unsure just which batch of neighborhood teenagers that you belong too (other then not MY group, because they OH SO WOULDN’T because they know better - but we’d be having serious words right now instead of writing to YOU if they did….) I thought I’d write an open letter to you, and all the other joyriders of the world.

First things first. Thank you for bringing the car back - or most of the way back.

Weren’t expecting that, were ya? Sure, the cops had been out looking for a couple hours, and you probably were the ones that got stuck in the ditch down the way where my sister saw fresh dig out marks, but at least you DID bring it most of the way back. With a dead battery since you left the lights on, and empty tank (I know, it only had 1/4 tank in it anyway. Sorry bout that.) So as it’s my only form of transportation, I do want to thank you for being considerate enough to take it back.

However, this does not forgive or forget the fact that you were assholes enough to steal it out of my driveway to begin with. I mean, SRSLY guys! From my DRIVEWAY? Sure, my dog who barks at everything, didn’t bark. And I’ve left my keys IN my car for the past 12 years. And you couldn’t have known I’d need to go pick up my girls a couple hours after the last time I came home. And you really couldn’t have realized that I would call the cops - after all, my late husband would never have called them, as he figured being a card carrying NRA member and lover of all things sharp and pointy, he could solve most things on his own.

But I am not he, and he is no longer with us.

Its just… mind-boggling. MY car? It’s a ‘95 for heavens sake, an completely falling apart at the seams! The CV joint is going out (that would be the thumping you heard on the right front tire..), the heater is an external button attached to the dash with a zip tie with two settings - on and off (also known as HOT AS HELL and OMGFRIGID!). The front seat has a broken bolt and probably would fly out of the car in an accident, the ignition switch is going out… so on and so forth. Of ALL the cars on this street, you pick MINE? SRSLY?

Seriously, guys (or gals) did you really think this thing through? Is this the first time you’ve done this? I mean, parts of my keychain went missing just a couple days ago, and now that I think about it, I HAVE been going through more gas then usual.. not that I’m accusing you (ok, I am), just sayin’.

And then there’s this. Everyone in the neighborhood knows that I’ve a group of teenagers living here off an on. Everyone knows that I’m the ‘Cool Mom’ and that I would give you the shirt off my back, twice, if you needed it. Everyone knows that I’d take you for a ride if you needed to go somewhere, and if you’re one of mine or their friends, if you needed a car that badly, I would have HANDED YOU THE KEYS. All you would have had to do is ask. Instead, what you did was disrespectful, and seriously uncool.

I think you were compelled to bring it back for one of two reasons - you thought you wouldn’t get caught as maybe you’ve done it before or your simply that stupid, OR it was simply my good karma trampling all over yours - which means I’d watch my back if I were you.. because somethings gonna bite you. Soon. Either way, the car is here now, and the keys are in my possession.

I regret that now I’m going to have to start locking things up, and I feel there’s a bit of innocence lost in that. I don’t care for it much, and I don’t appreciate you stealing my Small Town Feeling away from me like you have. Next time, guys. Just ask. If you need something, just ASK.

Sincerely,
The Cool Mom.

PS. You left your flashlight in the front seat of the car with the keys when you bailed. Officer Jay would be happy to return it to you if you just call the Police Station.

PPS. My son is his Daddy’s boy, through and through. Just sayin’.

B and C might not be so pleased to have made the blog this time - but it’s really too funny not to share! Again, neither B nor C are actually kids I’ve given birth too, but are ‘mine’ none-the-less. They’re both 18, and currently couch surfing at my place most of the time. Yay me! Good thing they’re relatively good girls, they’ve just gone through some bad stuff the past years, and are trying to pull out of it all. I’m happy to help in anyway I can - even if it’s just lending them a couch and a safe haven.

I’ve always been one to foster open and honest conversations about sex and all related sexual type activities, which has resulted in them not really asking me questions, but kinda hinting around sometimes, and then finally opening the talk. I feel special, because they DO talk to me about it, and well, statistics say that only about 19% of kids have someone they can trust to speak about sexual topics with - of course, I think of those 19%, about 11% of them frequent my house.

Lucky Me.

Anyway, as I was saying, there are open and honest conversations around here. We’ve tackled the hypothetical questions:

B: So. mom. HYPOTHETICALLY SPEAKING. If one were to go off her birth control, could they HYPOTHETICALLY SPEAKING maybe get pregnant so soon? And if so, MY FRIEND would like to know if HYPOTHETICALLY SPEAKING, eating everything in sight might be a symptom and OMG pass the chips, please!
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY SPEAKING it won’t matter after I kill you. Dead. Like with a rock or something.

I know, I’m all about being sensitive and stuff.

During this HYPOTHETICAL conversation, I pointed out that I keep condoms in the kitchen window basket, just to avoid needing these types of conversations.

B: OMG mom. I’d be so embarrassed to go into the kitchen and be all just grabbin a condom mom - it’d be mortifying!
Me: and these hypothetical conversations arent?
B: True..
Me: Child, you are in my kitchen 18 times a day getting something to eat. I can’t see you from where I sit at the desk. How could I possibly tell the difference between cup o’noodle packaging, and the condom box opening?
B: …you have a point.
Me: Remember that point. AND WRAP IT.
B: Yes ma’am.

See? Sensitivity is my middle name. Or is it sacrasm? Smartass? Something like that. Anyway, along with such hypothetical questions, there are the ever amusing overheard conversations that go like this:

B: I need to get my HPV Vac shot soon.
C: I have to go to the public health too - get tested again.
B: Yeah, we can go together.
C: You can hold my hand when they take my blood because OMG needles freak me out and I FLIPPED last time.
— Please note, this is the one who let the other one pierce her belly button with a sewing needle. Just sayin’.

B: What? You just have to pee in a cup for that one! Chlamydia and Gonorrhea are pee tests, it’s the others you have to give blood.
— Yes, I know, I think she’s incorrect on the Chlamydia test, but let’s go with it for now..

C: Alright! Pee tests I can do!
B: I mean, want me to hold your hand while you Pee? I can do that if ya want me too.
C: Oh. Yeah. That’d be helpful. Not.
— sarcasm is a fine art with these two. *L*

Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAH! That convo is SO making the blog!
B and C: MOOOOOOOM!

And you’d think it would end there. But no. There’s still the matter of the HYPOTHETICALLY NEEDED EPT. Which I went to purchase today. Now, I went this afternoon, because the girls, B and C were both home, and all the boys were not. Naturally, by the time I GOT home, another girl was here, and so was my son. Whoops. So I try to keep it on the downlow. I search for the right bag - and CAN’T FIND THE TEST. I search again.

The Pup: Whatcha lookin for?
Me: Feminine type items. Don’t ask. You’re too young to be a Feminine.
The Pup: Ok!

Still can’t find them. I call the store to see if they are still at the check stand, no go. The girls are like frantic. I’m chuckling. We look again.

The Pup: HEY! Is THESE it? (She holds up the EPT and box of condoms proudly.)
Me: Yup! Thanks kiddo. I’ll take it back to the girls.
The Pup: I know what one of them IS mom!
Me: What? (I didn’t hear her. I didn’t mean for her to TELL me..)
The Pup - as loud as she always is - crowed delightedly: A PREGNANCY TEST!

You could have heard a PIN DROP. Then the laughter hit. Oh. My. Gawd. We all busted up laughing, as I went back and tossed the EPT to a MORTIFIED girl, followed by the box of condoms for her personal stash. I am positive that she’ll think twice about NOT using the condoms next time, if only to avoid the embarrassment of the 9 year old calling her out on her deeds… For the record, the test was negative. But as they left to go off to a friends house, I got a very bemused and chagrined and laughter filled..

B: Way to keep things on the downlow, mom. Keep working on that, huh?

Then they swiped a box of frozen pizza, some chips, a soda, and left for the evening.

Admit it. You TOTALLY wish you lived at MY house, now, don’t you?

Teenage Pregnancy directly related to Teenagers Having Sex!

INORITE?

Sounds ridiculous, I know. I meant it too. Thing is, the new study that relates the rise in teen pregnancy to watching racier shows on television is almost as absurd. I hate studies like this, because they declare one single thing to be the root of the problem, but neglect all the other extenuating circumstances. They call the research “groundbreaking” and use words like “Suggests” and “link” and whatever. People grab onto this, Helicopter parents especially, and suddenly the FDC is pulling the plug on some of the best shows in television, and our kids suddenly have even MORE free time to have loud rowdy sex in their cars, since they’re not rushing home for Pushing Daisies, or Grey’s Anatomy.

So I’m being a little flippant about it all, clearly, because that is what I do. My actual point is that the problem with such studies, is that they don’t take into consideration a lot of other circumstances. The basic premise is, of course, that “Shows that highlight only the positive aspects of sexual behavior without the risks can lead teens to have unprotected sex before they’re ready to make responsible and informed decisions.”

The results state that pregnancy was twice as common among those who watched shows like Sex and the City, That 70s Show, and Friends, and suggest that it’s connected even with other factors considered, like grades, famly structure and parents’ education level - but not other important factors self-esteem, family values and income. I’m not the only one crying foul:

Still, U.S. teen pregnancies were on a 15-year decline until a 3 percent rise in 2006, the latest data available. Experts think that could be just be a statistical blip.

And Albert noted that the downward trend occurred as TV shows were becoming more sexualized, confirming that “it’s not the only influence.”

Do I think the media has an impact? Probably - but bottom line, I think the most impact comes from us parents, rather then outside influences. Did we teach them how to deal with such things throuhout their life so that they have a good foundation when they become teenagers? Do we have open and frank discussions with our teens? Do we stay involved in their lives on multiple levels so that they have the strength of our backup when they need to make such an important decision?

A more disturbing statistic is data that suggests only about 19% of teens feel they have an adult they can trust enough to talk about sex. So be there for your kids, your teens. THese talks should begin long before they need the information, if there’s going to be any hope of their making wise decisions!

Laura asked a question on the post below this, and when my reply became a post in itself, I thought I’d move it to it’s own post here. Here’s her question:

Whats everyone doing for safety precautions for Halloween? My husband came across an article (http://i-newswire.com/pr220892.html) with some info about background checking neighbors. I thought that may be a little overboard, but it had some other good suggestions for some precautions I haven’t thought about. Last year my youngest son came down with a massive fever after Halloween. I almost thought about just taking the kids to our church’s fall festival this year instead of door-to-door to prevent that from happening again. I don’t know yet. What’s your advice? Am I over-reacting or just being a concerned mom?

Wow, maybe it’s because I’m the product of a small town, but that seems incredibly overboard to me. I can’t imagine letting my kids go trick or treating without me - but that’s probably because we have to drive to the “good neighborhood” that gives the good candy. *L* So that much is smart and I agree with - don’t let the kids go out on their own.

As for demanding to know why someone has a “No candy here” sign? Maybe they don’t celebrate, maybe they aren’t home, maybe they don’t like kids - it seems an incredible invasion of privacy to do ‘find out why’ as if it’s not their right to not have candy if they don’t want too. That’s going overboard. I’d be really pissed off if someone was running checks on me to see why I won’t put candy out - it’s not like I’m offering razorblades and crack in little packages - it’s no candy. Ya know? That’s ridiculous. If there’s “no candy” or the lights are off, then you move on to another house. Simple as that.

Personally, when we go trick or treating, we take the kids to walk two streets in the “good neighborhood” where they get a decent amount of candy, then we pop over to the local Boys and Girls Club for their Trunk or Treat, where they can get prizes and more candy, then to the local Elks club where they have a haunted house and games. That’s a good two hours, and aside from the actual door to door, everything is in a protected environment, and I’m with the kids every step of the way, either watching from the car on the street as I follow them through the walk in the neighborhood, or with them at the group functions.

Again, my town is small, so I may come at it from a different point of view - but I’d definitely check out some of your local area organizations and see what’s out there. More and more boys and girls clubs are doing what ours does with Trunk or Treat at their parking lot, a lot of shopping malls have indoor trick or treating Keep in mind I’m in Alaska, too, so our Trick or treating has to take weather into consideration. It’s COLD out there, and T or T doesn’t last too long, because omg COLD. IN fact right now, it’s a chilly 7 degrees outside.

I have my own personal annoyances with Church “Fall Festivals” but that’s just me. It’s a good alternative if you can convince your kids they don’t need that door to door, or do the “one or two streets” or only people they know, then a festival of some sort. Depending on how old they are, definitely talk to them and see what they’re thinking, and make a plan together. That’s the best advise that article had. My kids and I make our plan before we leave the door - which usually involves “Well go no, and when I’m done we’re going home.” *L* I’m all democratic like that.

Most of all - remember it doesn’t have to be an all night thing. When I leave, I tell the kids straight up - 2 hours, tops. To hit all the spots, before I can’t handle the crowds anymore and I’ll wanna come home. So they know off the bat there’s a time limit. As they get older, they start to lose interest anyway, and it’s more about parties, and group functions with their friends, which opens a whole NEW can of worms, hm? My son has to work this Halloween for the first time, but before that, he is much more of a help chaperoning the younger kids then he is going for Trick or Treating purposes. He’d rather buy his own candy.

Also - be SURE to check your paper, an your fire department possibly. See if someone local has set up an x-ray machine to check the candy if you’re worried about it to that extent. I always check the candy myself for my kids, or watch as they do. We don’t accept home made treats unless it is from someone we know, and everything needs to be in their original wrapping.

That’s just common sense - and checking the candy allows you to steal all the Reese’s cups. *shining grin*

There’s nothing wrong with being a concerned mom for sure, though sometimes it’s hard to let them go enough, but to keep them wrapped in Mom’s Bubble Wrap too. Hope this helped - lemme know if my rambling made any sense at all - or lack thereof.

We hear it all the time from teenagers around the world. “Do we HAVE too?” It usually has to do something with trying to get out of spending time with the family, getting along with the siblings, sitting down at the dinner table to eat as a cohesive family unit. Sometimes we feel bad if we force the kids to do these family activities, but new studies suggest we certainly should not feel bad, and should continue to make the effort to have ‘family time’!

Reuters even goes so far as to suggest a connection between family dinner and sex.

…family dinners at THEIR house must be a much less boring affair, huh?

Just kidding, of course. The general premise of the study talked about in the article is that when we spend more time with our kids, either at the dinner table or in some other familial activities, we’re instilling in our kids a maturity and ability to make better decisions in all areas, including when to have sex. The study didn’t measure the risk factors of such sexual encounters, just the general number of time the teenagers indulged during the study.

Here’s what they found:

However, having a parent who used “negative and psychologically controlling” behavior increased the likelihood that a teen would be having risky sex. This includes “criticizing the ideas of the adolescents, controlling and directing what they think and how they feel,” Coley explained.

“Negative and psychologically controlling parenting behaviors may inhibit adolescents’ development of self-efficacy and identity, interfere with mature and responsible decision making skills, and affect the development of healthy relationships, in turn leading to an elevated likelihood of engaging in risky behaviors,” the researchers suggest.

On the other hand, they add, family activities are “centrally important supports for children, providing opportunities for emotional warmth, communication, and transmission of values and beliefs.”

The findings make it clear, Coley said, that “what parents do with their adolescents really matters.”

Me and the kids, we’ve never been ones to sit around a dinner table, though we all generally eat at the same time and in the same room. Close enough, I suppose, even if it’s noshing on greasy pizza while watching The Biggest Loser on TV. (…what? *g*) I’m a lot more involved with my kids throughout the day though, than a lot of parents have the ability to be. We talk a LOT throughout the day, and my kids call me often just to check in and say hi.. tell me where they are, who they’re with, and tease me that they’re having wild sex parties without inviting me.

Harumph.

I think the most important thing is that I talk TO my kids, not DOWN to my kids. It’s not so much the time and place and variety of feasting going on, so much as the time itself. I make sure my kids know they can tell me anything, I accept them for all their foibles and mishaps and mistakes and arguments just as easily as I do for the times they are shining examples of humanity that glow with innocent joy, health and wellbeing.

Yeah, there’s a lot more of the first rather then the second, but that’s exactly why it’s important to make those connections throughout the day. Whether it’s to check on what time The Boy has to work, and how his day at school went, or to nag The Girl to make sure she turns in her homework and laugh with her and her friends about stupid jokes, or to tease The Girl’s best friend, MK, about dating The Boy, or even stringing my youngest up by her toes and poking her with carrots until she agrees to behave - it’s all in those moments of connection. Every conversation, no matter how brief, means one thing:

I care.

And when the kids know we care what happens to them, what they’re doing, and what kind of person they are becoming, they’re less likely to engage in risky behavior before their ready.

So hug your kids today. Talk to them about school. Laugh at the stupid jokes, tease them about the girls, the boys, the dorky things they do. Check on their homework, but without the militant pressure, make time to see their concerts, plays, games. Make it a point to get to know who they’re dating, terrifying they’re girlfriends/boyfriends. Tease them. Laugh with them. Love them. It will make a difference, I promise you.

…join em! And let them laugh at you while they win.

Yes, I’m talking about video games, as well as MMO gaming on the internet. When’s the last time you played with your teenagers? A while back, Nik Yee over at Incredible Internet surveyed 300+ parents who do exactly that, play onlin games with their kids so that they have a better idea about what’s going on, and how to parent their children in regards to online activities. He has talked with teens and parents over the past year about the experiences and created a podcast to talk about his findings.

Basically - those who play with their kids, have a much better idea of what is really going on. As Parents, we often tend to automatically veto any activity we aren’t sure about. We tend to say no before we even know all the details - and how better to get the details then to jump in and play? Sure, your kids might think your spying on them, but give them the joy of beating you a couple times as you flounder around trying to figure out HOW DO I JUMP OMG QUIT HITTING ME and laugh along with them, and soon they’ll a- be teaching you the ropes, b - be telling your friends that your hopelessly dorky, but in a kinda cool way and c - know that you care enough to be involved, and to help them make the right choices along the way. He’s even got a contract to sign between parents and children that can help all sides feel better about internet use and gaming.

So check out the podcast below, the website as well and get involved with your kids! Who knows, maybe you’ll get good enough to beat THEM!

So, we’ve talked a little about social media, Myspace in particular, and your teens here before, and I realize that not everyone has the kind of relationship with their teenagers (or tweens) that I do, and are a bit uncomfortable with opening up the discussions on how to be safe while online with your kids. No judgment here, it is what it is! Sometimes those little mini-clone buggers of ours can be near impossible to talk to, what with the rolling of the eyes and the “OH MAH GAWD MOM!” and “I KNOW ALREADY” and such that they tend to pop off with - sometimes ya feel you need a suit of armor just to find out what they might like for dinner. It’s ok, I’m there with ya.

Knowing this, when Ami hit me up and asked if I’d do an article on their site, NSTeens.org, I agreed at once. And then waited a couple days until after the finale of Big Brother because omg so much work and also GO RENEGADES! - but hey! I’m here now! (grin)

Anyway, NSTeens is a valuable site that will help open up those conversations with fun, colorful cartoons and good sense, giving you the opening through the piercing ‘I hate everything you stand for’ glare, when talking to your tween and teens about how much information is too much, and how to ensure that they are safe online. NSTeens also covers the issue of Cyber-bullying, which is on the rise, because threatening or bullying someone in 156 characters or less makes you the Big Idiot On Campus.

So check out NSTeens, on your own, and then most certainly with your tween/teenager! We all know common sense isn’t all that common when it comes to our kids, so why not use everything available to help them think before they post something possibly damaging?

That’s what I figured - so check it out today!

*Images Provided by the NetSmartz Workshop at the National Center for Missing & Exploited Children, www.NSTeens.org.

…but I’d rather let him sleep!

Lest I paint the picture that all is sunshine and roses here at Casa de Lessa, here’s a little dose of reality. Last week, the boy - normally well behaved and sweet as the day is long - woke up on the wrong side of his couch. (Yes, he has a bed. He prefers to sleep on his couch. I don’t know why. He’s a teenager - do we REALLY need any other explanation?! That’s what I thought.) It took several alarms, several knocks on his door, and one very large crane to hoist his ass off the couch and into the car. (J/K on the crane part, though it would have been helpful!)

He, with just 1 minute to spare before time to leave for school, slammed through the house, slammed doors, kicked a wall, hit another, and schlumped into the passenger seat so that he could slam the car door. When I told him (and not nicely, to be honest) to knock it off - he responded by giving me the finger.

Now, I’m all for things done in jest. We cuss around here, we flip each off on occasion, we tell each other to shut up (no YOU shut up!) and we wrestle, a lot. What we don’t do is any of those in anger. That’s crossing the line. I didn’t respond well, I’ll admit that. It wasn’t pretty at all, and to be honest, I wasn’t angry, I was hurt. Very hurt.

So, he stewed all day at school, then wanted to go to his friends house that afternoon. He sent in said friend to ask me. I wasn’t about to fall for that, said no. He had to face me, and now was the best time to do so. The boy stuck his head into the door and said “Can I go to G’s Thanks Bye” and shut the door.

…
Oh no he DID-N’T!
(Oh. Oh, yes ye did.)
…

I had a choice. I could yell. I could scream. I could throw things and hit walls and doors (Hey, I never said his temper didn’t come from me, did I?). Or? I could talk to him, honestly and calmly. I chose the latter.

I give my kids a lot of leeway, probably more than most. Part of it is because their Daddy was always the fun one, and I have to balance the disciplinarian with being fun too, as I’m all they have. (They have my parents and sister too, but you know what I mean.) It’s not an easy line to tread. I’m more than their mom, I’m their friend, and sometimes, we both need reminding that Mom trumps Friend when the situation demanded it.

It turned out fine, though, as my son is one of the better kids out there. He’s smart, he’s sensitive, he’s strong, he’s a good, decent, loving and lovable human being. The discussion ended in a hug, with some tears, and apologies as we came to a meeting of the minds, and made sure we were on the same page once again.

Point is - don’t be afraid to get angry at your kids. It’s going to happen. Conversely, also be unafraid to be just as teenage angsty as they are. That’s going to happen too. The thing is to relate to your kids on the same emotional playing field, but do so in a calm and loving manner. And if you blow up - don’t be afraid to apologize. If you make a mistake, don’t be afraid to admit it. They’ll respect you more for showing them how to man up and take responsibility, than they ever will for seeing you play the unflinching deity in their life.

And for heavens sake - let grumpy sleep in once in a while. Naps do wonders for the teenage soul!

Because I’m good enough, smart enough, and GOSH DARN IT, people like me!

Ahem. Being as I’m not your ‘normal’ mother by oh so many standards, sometimes it’s nice to find out you’re doing something right from a completely anonymous source. It’s even better when that source happens to be a teenager themselves, and they talk about how to parent them. Even better when you realize that hey - I already DO that - when they issue a challenge to parents everywhere.

Its nice to know that I totally rock.

Zen, over at Teens On Parenting, has a very interesting take on parents. She and her friends are open and honest when they give their parenting critiques and tips. After all - who better can tell you what your teenager is thinking then another teenager? Their blog was born out of an irritation with their peers’ constant complaining about how parents just don’t understand.

(And that’s SO not a new complaint, ya’ll… it existed even before DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince made it immortal with a fresh beat.)
(…what do you mean “DJ WHO?” Fresh Prince! You know, that oh so hunky Will Smith, back when he was still a geek…)
(..stop looking at me like that. I am not old.)

They are correct - it’s helpful to hear what kids their age have to say about parenting. One of the keys to understanding our kids is to listen to them, and their peers. And also, as Zen points out, to complain with them.

I’m good at this one. Take the other day, for instance. I pick up my son from work, and he kicks me out of the driver’s seat, because he’s practicing for his driver’s test next month and all. I give in with nary a fight, because he bribes me with a large diet coke. (Or rather, his manager does, because they love me. Whatever. I had caffeine!) He puts the car in gear, and takes off, and I already know. It’s been a LONG day at work for him. So I wait.

Boy: F’in M. (his other manager.)
Me: Rough day?
Boy: Dude. Corporate is coming. We had to clean stuff I didn’t even know EXISTED in the store!
Me: Oh man.. I know! I hated Corporate raids…
Boy: Hands and knees, mom! I was on the floor on my HANDS AND KNEES!
Me: Toothbrush or minibroom?
Boy: …you had to use a toothbrush?
Me: Dude. I know, right? Tile grout, behind the backwash sinks.
Boy: (smirks, laughing) I had to clean the oven beneath the oven. I didn’t even know that oven EXISTED until they pointed it out.
Me: Red light. Red light. RED LIGHT!
Boy: I see it! Gawd, mom.
Me: So - you the only one stuck on hands and knees?
Boy: Nah. All of us worked our asses off. M even cleaned.
Me: So, really can’t be too pissed at him then, right?
Boy: (glare, smirk) Shut up. I still hate him.
Me: Yeah, and? I hate kids. But I have this dirty oven at home….
Boy: (laughs) Shut up.
Me: I win.
Boy: I know. Dammit.

That’s a minor example, but you know - it works with all kinds of things. Kids don’t want us to FIX things, not right off, and especially not the little things. If we hover in helicopter style, we never give them the chance to work out issues on their own. This is why they complain to their friends - because their friends will complain with them first, then maybe offer a solution later. Why can’t we do the same? It wasn’t so long ago that we had teachers that pissed us off, things that we thought were unfair, co-workers that drive us insane (one of the MANY reasons I love working from home - no co-workers!) and even grownups that piss us off. We just need to remember that, find some common ground, and throw an understanding complaint their way. Our kids are smart - a gentle - subtle! - nudge at times is all that’s needed to help them find their own solution to any problem.

We’re not here to FIX things for them, as much as we want too. We’re here to help them learn to fix things themselves. Otherwise they’ll never leave home, and who wants THAT?

But, before he goes, since I know he knows how and all… I gotta get that not-so-little brat to clean my oven for me.

When my kids were little, one of the things that drove my mom nuts (among the OH SO MANY things that drive her insane about me) was that I refused to censor my language around the kids. I’d bust out with a swear word, and she’d tsk at me - one because “I taught you better then that!” and two because “little pitchers have big ears!”

Granted, she did teach me better, but when you were a teenager, was there ANYTHING better then slipping out a cuss word on the sly when Mom wasn’t looking? It was a tiny rebellion, not even really enough to get you grounded or in BIG trouble, just enough to light the little flame of rebel that lives in all of us. Then, of course, once I moved out - it was no holds barred. I could say what I wanted, when I wanted, and @#!@ anyone who thought different! Even then, though, I didn’t really let loose in front of mom, not for years yet. (Meaning now? I don’t censor at all. My poor mother…)

Then I had kids. There’s a lot of things that change when you have kids - you’re supposed to wait till they’re sleeping to have a beer, and until they’re walking to teach them to GET your beer and make sure they can properly mix your margaritas but not until at least five. You’re supposed to child proof the house, cover the outlets, pull the knobs off the stove, pad the sharp corners, protect them from every little bump and bruise, lump and obstacle in their way. I guess I was still in my rebellious stage when I decides I wasn’t going to censor my mouth, because #@$%#$!@$ I was an adult, and @!$#%!@ what anyone thought about it! I can’t tell you how many times I got dirty looks from complete strangers as they slapped their hands over their preshush beebees widdle ears, while my mother continued to tsk.

Friends of ours took a different approach then we did - though we couldn’t understand the difference. They altered the words, so that they were more acceptable, but in doing so, they still taught them to cuss - which was almost worse. Words like “sheeppoker!” could be just as embarrassing when your three year old calls it out to that giant truck driver, as an actual cuss word would be. I never understood that - I figured it was a do or don’t situation. We chose the ‘do’ approach.

We made a point to teach our kids that there are ‘mommy/daddy words’ and ‘kid words’ and that they could curse when they were mommy/daddy themselves. Sure, they slipped sometimes, and there was that stage where my oldest daughter’s little girl voice made the words “Stand up!” sound like “Dammit!” and she chimed up with that in the middle of an award service at a very conservative church… oh my, but that was funny! Even mom laughed! But they learned, and they didn’t mimic (much), and they grew.

Into teenagers.
With potty mouths.

You’d think this would mortify me, right? Wrong. It amuses the hell out of me, truth be told. They are respectful about it, and don’t use such words in front of people in authority, their teachers, or their Nana. (Though the Boy has a habit of flipping off any camera that points his way… the last time it was Nana, and oooooooohboy. Not good. And don’t think I didn’t yell at him for it, Nana! I did!) They save it for people who they are comfortable with - their friends, me.

This is not to say that other approaches are wrong by any means. Every parent has to decide on their own what is ok, what is not, and what level they are comfortable with having in their home. My point was that the kids would hear it anyway as they grew up, so they may as well hear it from me, and learn how to deal with hearing it, or speaking it.

I think part of the growing experience when it comes to language is in it’s proper use, just like your everyday English. There is a time and place to let the profanity fly - and because I never taught them that it was wrong, but instead the times that it was inappropriate - they don’t cuss half as much as I did when I was in high school. They’ve learned to find other words to express their displeasure when the situation demands it, and that makes me fuckin’ proud as hell. (grin)

Though it still makes mom want to wash my mouth out with soap.
Sorry, Nana.
(Not really.)

Do you know anything about the dropout rate in your local school system? Do you have a daughter who may be in danger of dropping out of high school?

The National Women’s Law Center has a new report titled When Girls Don’t Graduate, We All Fail: A Call To Improve High School Graduation Rates for Girls

The statistics truly are alarming. The report states that 1,000 high school students drop out of school each hour in America. This means that 30% of the class of 2007, or 1.2 million students are estimated to have dropped out of school last year.

Also according to the report, one in three boys, and nearly 50% of some racial and ethnic groups will not graduate with a diploma in four years of high school. Among girls, one in four overall will not graduate from high school. One in two Native American girls will not graduate; four in ten African-American girls, and nearly four in ten Hispanic girls do not graduate each year.

The study gives the following recommendations for dealing with dropout prevention:

* Combating sexual harassment in schools. Both boys and girls report that they drop out in part because they do not feel safe at school. Download a fact sheet on sexual harassment for schools or for students.
* Providing better support for pregnant and parenting students. Pregnancy and parenting responsibilities play a significant role in many girls’ decisions to drop out of school.
* Ensuring equal access for girls to career and technical education classes. These classes provide training for high-skill, high-wage jobs. Offering career education programs that emphasize the link between academic work, college success, and careers has been proven to reduce dropout rates.
* Ensuring equal access for girls to after-school programs, including athletics programs. Studies have shown that participation in after-school programs improves graduation rates and academic achievement.

Do you know anything about the dropout rate in your local schools? Even if you don’t have teens at risk of dropping out, you should be concerned. We’re raising the generation who will, one day, be in charge of things and, hopefully, taking care of us!

Volunteer to help in efforts to curb dropout rates. Our teens and the rest of society will be better for it.

For more on parenting, see Parenting The Adopted.

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Are your teen’s teachers male or female? Does that question ever come up for you? Do you consider whether your student is getting good role models from both sexes?

Nationally, the number of male teachers in classrooms is declining, especially in elementary schools. According to Scholastic,
in 1980 about 17 percent of teachers in elementary school classrooms were male, compared with 14.2 percent today. In secondary schools, the number of men in classrooms has dropped from just over 50 percent in 1980 to less than 40 percent today.

The National Education Association (NEA) puts the percentage of male teachers nationwide at a 40 year low. And, according to NEA president Reg Weaver, the scarcity of male teachers is unfortunate, given the high divorce rate and men increasingly absent from the home. He says that male teachers are increasingly needed as role models for children.

“…one of the reasons colleges of education find it difficult to attract men into the profession (is) because of the outdated notion that teaching is a woman’s profession,” Weaver said. “And that could not be further from the truth.” The perception of teaching as a woman’s profession is still there, as is the reality of low pay and men needing to be breadwinners. However, more reasons than those are also part of the decline.

According to Steve Peha, president of Teaching That Makes Sense, Inc., other factors are more important. Many male teachers go into administrative positions to be more upwardly mobile. Others may not like being one of the few male teachers in a school, where they experience loneliness. And many feel threatened in a society where parents are likely to bring sexual misconduct charges at the drop of a hat. “I’ve had plenty of principals admit to me in private that they just don’t want to deal with men in the primary grades at all,�? Peha says. “It’s not prejudice, it’s politics. They know that women in those positions will be more readily accepted by parents.�?

It’s our children who lose because of these attitudes, most especially, perhaps, the boys. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, in 2006, 12.9 million households were headed by single parents, with 10.4 million of those headed by single mothers. Boys need role models in a society where men may increasingly be absent from the household on a full-time basis.

As a single mother who raised a daughter alone for several years, I can also attest to the fact that girls need good male role models. My daughter had the best in my father and my brother, but I also appreciated the male teachers that she did have in her elementary school years, and I continue to be grateful to the positive male role models in her high school.

This is an issue to think about, as well as to encourage young men who have an interest in teaching to pursue that interest. Male teachers are in high demand, and there is a very real service that they provide-not just by being teachers, but by being role models for those who need them.

For information on homeschooling, visit Mom Is Teaching

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Do you have a teenager with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD)? Does he or she often feel overwhelmed. For most of us, the feeling of being overwhelmed comes along with a big project or some kind of stressful event. For a teen with ADHD, that overwhelming feeling can come with something as simple as doing homework, or planning how to use weekend time.

Another concern is school projects, such as book reports, presentations-anything that will take more than a few hours to complete. The fact that it must be done in steps over a period of time adds to the problem. How do you help your teen address such issues?

For overwhelming nightly homework, help your teenager choose the first assignment to do. If possible, choose an assignment which they enjoy, find easy to do, or that is short. This will be faster to complete, and will help them feel a sense of accomplishment at completing the task, which can raise their level of confidence. When your child is working on an assignment, have him/her put everything else away, and simply concentrate on the task at hand. No distractions. This can make homework go much more smoothly for an ADHD child.

For larger projects, break down the larger project into its smaller steps, and schedule the entire project on a calendar. Perhaps you will want to keep the calendar out of your teen’s sight, so that the sight of the entire project doesn’t give them that overwhelmed feeling again! On a calendar that your teen has access to, write down one item at a time on the date it needs to be completed. This way, he/she has only one item to concentrate on-not a bunch of tasks over a large period of time. After they have completed the task on the calendar, you can mark it off as finished, and add another task.

To help a teen manage weekend time, assist them in making out a schedule. First, schedule time for things which must be done, such as chores and homework. If they have outings with friends or groups, put those into the schedule at the proper times. Helping your ADHD teen get into the habit of planning and allocating their time is a skill they will use for the rest of their lives. Helping them do it now will make it easier for teenagers when they go away to college.

If you have a teen or other child with ADHD and have any tips for the rest of us, please let us know in the comments!

Check out Mental & Emotional Health for other good tips.

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The past week saw two more incidents involving school shootings or potential shootings by teenagers. On Wednesday in Cleveland, Ohio, 14-year-old Asa Coon shot two students and two teachers, before killing himself. Police are currently reviewing surveillance videos, trying to find out how the teenagers was able to enter SuccessTech Academy alternative school, while armed with two revolvers.

The teen also, apparently, had made threats the previous week, which went unheeded, along with other warning signs from the troubled boy. Asa Coon had been suspended the Monday before the shooting for a fight, but fellow students said that school personnel had not done anything about threats he had made the previous week to blow up the school and stab students. Rasheem Smith, 15, a classmate, said, “I told my friends in the class that he had a gun and stuff. We talked to the principal. She would try to get us all in the office, but it would always be too busy for it to happen.”

Asa’s older brother, Stephen Coon, 19, was arrested the day after the shooting for theft and parole violations. And an arrest warrant was issued for his mother, Lori Looney, for obstruction of justice, after she lied to police about the whereabouts of Stephen.

The second incident occurred in Philadelphia. There, police were able to prevent a planned attack at Plymouth Whitemarsh High School by another 14-year-old boy. The teenager had amassed an arsenal of including knives, swords, about 80 pellet guns-and a rifle bought for him by his mother. The mother, Michele Cossey, has been arrested and charged with providing a firearm to a minor, and contributing to the corruption of a minor.

Her teen son was arrested late Wednesday and told police he had been planning a “Columbine-type attack” on the high school. The boy’s parents had taken him out of middle school and homeschooled him for the past 18 months, because of bullying.

These are yet two more tragic and shameful incidents which plainly illustrate the ways in which we are failing our children. Failure to communicate with our teens, and failure to take action when signs of trouble or violence are seen has tragic consequences. Please stay in touch with what’s going on with your teenagers! If you see ANY signs of problems, take them seriously, and get help for your child. It can save grief and lives-including those of your teenager and yourself.

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October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. It’s the perfect time to talk with your teen about the dangers of finding themselves involved in a relationship with violence or the potential for violence. According to the website Choose Respect, 1 in 11 high school students report being the victim of physical dating abuse, and about one in four teens reports verbal, physical, emotional, or sexual abuse each year.

Following is the text of the Teen Dating Bill of Rights:

Accept responsibility for myself and my actions.
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Be sure to talk with your teenager (whether male or female), about violence in relationships. Have them be watchful about any treatment or attitudes which make them uncomfortable from a boyfriend or girlfriend. Getting into inappropriate relationships can become a pattern. Help your teens know how to set boundaries, and be aware of the behavior of those with whom they have relationships.

For more on emotional issues, visit

Mental and Emotional Health

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