Parenting Teens

Is your teen one of those who likes to participate in every activity coming and going? My daughter doesn’t really participate in that many extracurricular activities, but the ones she does like are very time-consuming. With school back in session, all those activities make our schedules a lot more hectic!

To handle all those activities, and mesh them with your own schedule, you’ll need a good calendar-probably more than one! Keep And Share offers a wide variety of calendars-many of which you can print out. But the best part is that they offer free online calendars, which you can share with others and keep private via the use of passwords. These online sharing calendars are great!

If your teen finds an activity in which he/she would like to participate, they can first check your schedule on the calendar to find out if you have any conflicts. Likewise, you can easily check your schedule from work or home-or anywhere else, if you carry a PDA-to check your child’s schedule if you need to do so.

These calendars are great for keeping up with your whole family’s schedule at once, since they can be changed easily on your computer, without doing a lot of erasing or marking out, and they let anyone in the family see what’s going on, helping prevent scheduling conflicts. Great, especially, for moms, dads and busy teens! Try one!

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As a social worker who once worked with juvenile populations, the term “troubled teen” troubles me! Troubled seems to be such a catch-all word. Teenagers can be troubled in so many different areas, making this a blanket term, which gives no vital information into what kinds of problems a teenager may be facing.

Having said that, I feel the teen in this brief article from the Atlanta Journal-Constitution really is troubled.

Henry County police said a Luella High School student who reported being stabbed this morning actually cut himself and faces possible charges.

Capt. Jason Bolton said the 16-year-old male is cooperating with detectives. Bolton said the teenager, who was not identified because of his age, could be charged with making a false report of a crime.

Police said the teenager arrived late to his first class of the day and told his teacher he’d been stabbed as he entered a portable classroom. The student was airlifted to Grady Memorial Hospital, where doctors determined the cuts were superficial and non life-threatening, police said.

The knife believed used in the incident was found on school grounds, Bolton said, but he declined to further identify it.

A teen must really need attention badly to do something like this. Now, I am not blaming his parents. Teens are not known for always readily talking about their problems to anyone, let alone their parents! But I have to wonder if no one-parents, teachers, friends-noticed that this teen was really upset in some way. Had there been difficult changes in his life? Was he teased and made fun of in school? Was he a loner who didn’t socialize with his peers or anyone else?

At least in this case, he did not turn his feelings onto someone else and stab fellow students or teachers. But I feel a very deep sorrow for this young man, and for his parents. He needs help, and I hope this is a wake-up call for his parents, teachers, and others around him to see that he gets it. I can’t help wondering how many other teens out there are in similar situations.

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An oath doesn’t just mean swearing at your teen when you don’t think you can take their behavior any more! Aurelia Williams, a certified life coach over at Parenting My Teen has an oath for parents to sign, promising to not only take care of your teen, but also to listen, and to value your teen’s opinions and attitudes.

Parent/teen contracts have become very popular for things such as driving, behavior, etc. Why not sign a contract with yourself promising good parenting skills and actions? Following is a copy of the Parenting My Teen oath. Go to the Parenting My Teen website for lots of other helpful information on parenting teenagers.

The Parenting My Teen Oath

As a loving and devoted parent of a teenager, I vow to do the following:

o Communicate Effectively - I will no longer lecture, but instead I will discuss issues with my teenager in a way that he/she can understand. I will do what is necessary to help my teen learn and grow from our discussions.

o Enter My Teen’s World - I will stay aware of the music my teen listens to and the websites they visit. I will learn who my teen’s friends are and will meet as many of them as possible.

o Enhance My Awareness - I will constantly remain aware of the changes in my teen’s physical, emotional & educational well-being. Upon noticing any changes that concern me, I will communicate the concern with my teen.

o Connect - I realize that I am the best defense my teen has against peer pressure. I will spend quality time with my teen to strengthen our bond. I will talk with my teen daily about his/her feelings, thoughts and encounters.

o Set Rules & Follow Through - I have clearly explained the rules and the consequences of breaking the rules to my teen. I will follow through with the consequences, always.

o Focus on the Positive - I will encourage my teen by providing him/her with positive feedback on their behavior, attitude, achievements, etc.

o Listen - I will listen (not just hear, but really listen) to what my teen is saying. If I don’t understand fully I will ask questions until I do.
o Vigilance - I will never give up on my teen. If times of trouble arise, that I cannot fix on my own, I will seek help.

o Express My Love – No matter what happens, I will tell my teen each and every day that I love them.

___________________________________________ __________________________
Parent(s) Signature Date

This may not be the Sixties, but war protests are alive and well! Ashley Casale, 19, of Clinton Corners, N.Y., and Michael Israel, 18, of Jackson, CA are marching across the country to protest the war in Iraq. Newsday reports that the two teens headed for Washington, D.C. from San Francisco on May 21.

Casale planned the “March For Peace” by starting a website and sending flyers to colleges nationwide. She had expected more walkers to join the 3000-mile walk. “Although it’s always nice to have as many people as possible, it’s more about the message and we haven’t been disappointed there aren’t tons of people walking,” Casale said.

The two said that most people have been receptive to them, even if they didn’t agree with them about the war. One World War II veteran met them with a welcome sign and had dinner with them. However, some have greeted them with obscene gestures and yells.

In spite of what they have gone through, Israel said he feels proud of what he and Casale have accomplished. “I hope it inspires people to be more vocal and politically active and become more aware of what’s going on around them,” he said.

I think these two teens can be very proud. They have stood up for what they believe at a time when most teens (and adults) have been staying at home enjoying their vacation time and doing as little as possible. It’s great to hear about teens being interested in politics and current events!

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A new study reported at Web MDshows that teen self-injury, such as cutting, may be more common than previously thought.

The study was headed by Elizabeth Lloyd-Richardson, of the Brown University medical school and the Miriam Hospital in Providence, RI. She and her colleagues surveyed 633 students at five U.S. high schools about coping with difficult social and emotional problems. The survey focused on deliberate (but not suicidal) self-injuries, such as cutting, hitting, burning, and biting.

Around 46% of the students reported some form of self-injury within the past year. Past estimates had put the number at only 4%! That’s a huge difference! Moderate to severe self-injury was reported by 60% of the self-injurers.

The most common types of self-injury were biting, hitting, cutting, and burning skin. The most common reasons given by the teens for self-injury were “to try to get a reaction from someone,” “to get control of a situation,” and “to stop bad feelings.” Interventions to stop teen self-injury should promote other ways of coping with their problems, handling stress, and communicating with others, note the researchers.

Self-injury is, apparently, a much more common problem than originally thought. Do you have a teen who you suspect is hurting her/him self? Watch closely for signs of frequent and/or regular injuries, particularly of the types just discussed. Also, observe your teen for signs of stress, lack of communication, etc.

If you suspect your teen is hurting her/him self, seek help immediately. Call your doctor or community mental health center, or, if you’re not sure where to turn, talk to your teen’s school counselor for recommendations.

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A new University of Georgia study, published in the August, 2007 issue of Communications Research has found that the more exposure middle school students have to anti-smoking ads, the more likely they are to smoke! Talk about an opposite effect!

Hye-Jin Paek, an assistant professor at the University of Georgia, and co-author of the study, along with Albert Gunther from the University of Wisconsin-Madison, found that many anti-smoking ad campaigns have the opposite effect on teenagers. She says that they backfire because they encourage the rebellious nature of youth. “They don’t want to hear what they should do or not do,” she says.

According to Paek, peer pressure has the most direct effect. She says that ads should focus on convincing teens that their friends are listening to anti-smoking warnings.

“Rather than saying, ‘Don’t smoke,’ it is better to say, ‘Your friends are listening to this message and not smoking,”Paek said. “It doesn’t really matter what their peers are actally doing.”

Do any of your teens smoke, or have they tried smoking? What do you feel would be the best way to reach teens on this issue?

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The House debates today on funding for abstinence education programs, according to the San Francisco Chronicle. Abstinence programs across the country, such as Virginity Rules received their first cut in financing since 2001, this past June. So far, $176 million in funding has survived, up to the debates today. Will that funding be cut further?

There are some 700 abstinence education programs across the country. Eleven state health departments rejected abstinence education this year, while three states passed laws that could affect abstinence education in schools. This past spring, a comprehensive study of abstinence education programs found no sign that it delays sexual activity among teens. According to this article, however, teens are abstaining from sex more, and using contraceptives when they do not abstain.

Through a combination of less sex and more contraception, pregnancy and birth rates among American teenagers as a whole have been falling since about 1991. Texas, however, has seen the smallest decline despite receiving almost $17 million to promote abstinence.

I, personally, have no problem with abstinence being taught. However, I do believe that it should be taught alongside use of contraceptives, and other alternatives. How do you readers feel? Do you think abstinence education works, and should it be funded by the federal government?

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Does your teen or ‘tween wear glasses? These days, it is more stylish to wear eyeglasses. With all types of frames (many of them designer) available, glasses can be considered a great fashion accessory!

A poll of kids ages seven to 16, conducted in the UK by the College of Optometrists, reports that Harry Potter and Johnny Depp are making it cool to wear glasses! Telegraph.co.uk reports on the study, in which Harry Potter(the fictional character portrayed by Daniel Radcliffe in the movies) and actor Johnny Depp were the top role models for kids-with Depp being particularly influential to teens.

Others named as influential in the poll included Elton John, the Queen, Bill Gates, Tony Blair, and Anne Robinson(of “Weakest Link” fame).

If you have a teen or any other age child who needs glasses or contacts, a great site to visit is All About Vision. They have a wealth of information regarding vision problems, eye diseases, glasses, contacts, laser surgery, and many other subjects involving the eyes and vision. They have separate sections dealing with children and teens.

Let your kids know that wearing glasses is no longer just for geeks!

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Over at NewScientist.com I came across an interesting report titled Instant Expert: Teenagers. This report provides useful information on the changes which occur during the teen years-such as changes in social behavior, risky activities such as drug abuse, etc.

What I found most interesting is that it’s also humorous! Here’s an excerpt:

Adolescents are known to be moody, insecure, argumentative, angst-ridden, impulsive, impressionable, reckless and rebellious. Teenagers are also characterised by odd sleeping patterns, awkward growth spurts, bullying, acne and slobbish behaviour. So what could be the possible benefit of the teenage phase?

Most other animals - apes and human ancestors included - skip that stage altogether, developing rapidly from infancy to full adulthood. Humans, in contrast, have a very puzzling four-year gap between sexual maturity and prime reproductive age. Anthropologists disagree on when the teenage phase first evolved, but pinpointing that date could help define its purpose.

I’m not sure they meant this to be funny but, to me, that question about what the possible benefit of the teenage phase could be is hilarious! Check out the entire report. It might help you make sense of your teenager’s behavior-to some extent!

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Today, I’d like to use Parenting Teens to spread the word about a wonderful program called YouthBuild, USA. The following information about their programs is taken directly from their website:

In YouthBuild programs, low-income young people ages 16–24 work toward their GED or high school diploma while learning job skills by building affordable housing for homeless and low-income people. Strong emphasis is placed on leadership development and community service.

All YouthBuild students are poor and many have had experience with foster care, juvenile justice, welfare, and homelessness. Participants spend 6 to 24 months in the full-time program, dividing their time between the construction site and the YouthBuild alternative school. Community- and faith-based nonprofit organizations sponsor most programs, although some are sponsored by public agencies. Each YouthBuild program raises private and public funds to support itself. Primary support comes from the U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development through a dedicated federal line item.

Because a comprehensive approach is called for, the YouthBuild program has gradually and inevitably become a number of things at once:

An alternative school, in which young people attend a YouthBuild school full-time on alternate weeks, studying for their GEDs or high school diplomas. Classes are small, allowing one-on-one attention to students.

A community service program, in which young people build housing for homeless and other low-income people, providing a valuable and visible commodity for their hard-pressed communities.

A job training and pre-apprenticeship program, in which young people get close supervision and training in construction skills full-time on alternate weeks from qualified instructors.

A leadership development and civic engagement program, in which young people share in the governance of their own program through an elected policy committee and participate actively in community aff airs, learning the values and the life-long commitment needed to be eff ective and ethical community leaders.

A youth development program, in which young people participate in personal counseling, peer support groups, and life planning processes that assist them in healing from past hurts, overcoming negative habits and attitudes, and pursuing achievable goals that will establish a productive life.

A long-term mini-community, in which young people make new friends committed to a positive lifestyle, pursue cultural and recreational activities together, and can continue to participate for years through the YouthBuild Alumni Association.

A community development program, in which community-based organizations obtain the resources to tackle several key community issues at once, strengthening their capacity to build and manage housing for their residents, educate and inspire their youth, prevent crime, create leadership for the future, and generally take responsibility for their neighborhoods.

YouthBuild USA was founded as the Youth Action Program in East Harlem in 1978 by Dorothy Stoneman (now president). In 1984, it became citywide in New York and, in 1990, became nationwide as YouthBuild USA. Since those beginnings, the program has had many successes and has become a valuable source of lifebuilding skills for many teens, as well as providing helpful resources for low-income families. Success stories of some of the program participants can be found on the page titled Stories of Transformation.

Check out this site to see all the wonderful things they’re doing, and to find out if there is a chapter near you. This can be a wonderful resource for teens in general and, especially, for teens experiencing problems.

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A new study from Johns Hopkins Children’s Center talks about the sexual health of teenage boys. The survey of boys ages 15-19 shows that boys who can talk more openly with both parents about their sexual health are more likely to see a doctor for preventive care.

This should send a strong message to all parents about the health of their teen sons. Prevention of sexually transmitted diseases is all about acting responsibly. And where do teen boys learn about sexual responsibility? From both fathers and mothers.

The study also showed that boys with stereotypes about masculinity promoted thinking that seeking medical care is a sign of weakness, and that those types of beliefs could be a risk factor in and of themselves.

Talking with your teen about sexuality can be one of the most difficult things a parent of a teenager can face. It’s not easy, particularly if your own parents had difficulty talking to you about the subject.

But think about how much you love your son, and about how you’d feel if something happened to him that you could have helped prevent by talking with him. Both fathers and mothers should talk with their sons about sexuality and how to protect themselves. Boys can gain very different perspectives on sexual relationships from their fathers and mothers. Those different perspectives are very important to good and safe sexual relationships.

Do you, or have you, talked with your teenage son about sexual health? I’d love to know how you dealt with it, and how it worked out for you and your son.

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“One night a father overheard his son pray:
Dear God, Make me the kind of man my Daddy is.
Later that night, the Father prayed,
Dear God, Make me the kind of man my son wants me to be.�
Author Unknown

When you write a parenting blog as a woman (especially as a woman who was a single parent for several years), it can be easy to come across as being from a mom’s point of view most of the time. I’ve had several people tell me that’s true of my blog. So, with Father’s Day coming up on June 17th, I wanted to try and make up for some of that by focusing mainly on fathers during the upcoming two weeks.

One website that I’ve come across that I really like is My Hero. One of the site’s features is titled Family Hero: Father Figures. It talks about some famous father figures and what they do to help children. In addition, it has statements and essays from children and teens talking about their own fathers or father figures. Probably my favorite feature about this site, though, is that it provides a chance to participate. Anyone can create a web page about their heroes-be it fathers, father figures, or anyone else a person chooses.

Share this site with your teens, as well as your younger children. It gives them a chance to pay tribute to the father, or father figure, in their lives!

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I found the following study results at New Scientist:

Celebrity worship may play an important part of growing up, suggest the results of a UK study.

Star-struck teens are generally emotionally well-adjusted and popular, with their celebrity interests forming a healthy part of adolescent development and bonding, say psychologists from the Universities of Leicester and Coventry.

However, those with extreme celebrity fascination, are likely to be lonely children without close attachments to friends or family, suggests the new study.

John Maltby and David Giles surveyed 191 English schoolchildren between the ages of 11 and 16. They found that those who avidly followed celebrities’ lives were the most popular.

For about 30 per cent of the children, gossiping about favourite celebrities with their peer group took up much of their social time. These children were found to have a particularly strong and close network of friends and to have created a healthy emotional distance from their parents.

“As children grow up, they start to transfer their attachment from parents to their peers. Celebrities start to take on the hero status role that their parents formerly fulfilled when the children were younger and it seems to be a healthy part of development,” explains Maltby, who led the study.

“The main function of celebrity attachments in adolescence may be as an extended social network - a group of ‘pseudo-friends’ who form the subject of peer gossip and discussion,” he told New Scientist. “The ongoing subject of celebrities’ lives can provide a valuable bonding tool among their friends, while enabling them to be emotionally autonomous from their parents.”
Mildly pathologic

Evolutionary psychologist Francisco Gil-White, from the University of Pennsylvania in Philadelphia, says humans have a biological predisposition towards recognising prestigious individuals and acting sycophantically towards them. “In the ancestral environment, prestigious individuals would be followed by people who wanted to gain information about successful living,” he says.

“Modern-day children who follow celebrities may be more popular because they are using this inbuilt mechanism to determine who and what is ‘cool’,” he suggests.

However, about eight per cent of the children surveyed were fanatically devoted to their celebrity “friends”. These children felt they had an intense personal relationship with the famous person, describing them as “soul mates”.

This type of celebrity worship was seen by the psychologists as more problematic and mildly pathologic. These children were lonely individuals with few friends, but also less attached to their parents.

“Intense attachment to celebrities was best predicted by low levels of security and closeness. It may be that intense relationships with celebrities develop during times of stress, or for individuals who are lonely or isolated, or lack social skills,” Maltby suggests.

Journal reference: Personality and Individual Differences (vol 36, p 813)

In light of the recent behavior by Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears, and other celebrities who have, typically, been teen favorites, all this is pretty disturbing. I’d hate being the parent of a celebrity! However, if I’d been the parent of any of these young ladies while they were still in their teens, you can bet that a lot more discipline would have been introduced into their lives. And none of them would have lasted a day around my own mother, who firmly believed in spankings!

Who do your teens idolize? What do you think of their choices? Share with the rest of us!

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Do you suspect that your teenager might be in an abusive relationship? Abusive relationships can take many forms, and do not necessarily involve physical abuse. A fairly new website, Love Is Respect, provides resources for teenagers, parents, friends, etc., about abusive aspects of relationships. They are also a helpline, accessible via internet or telephone. The phone number is 1-866-331-9474.

The following is a quiz they offer to see if your relationship might be abusive:

Does your boyfriend/girlfriend:

Look at you or act in ways that scare you?

Act jealous or possessive?

Put you down or criticize you?

Try to control where you go, what you wear or what you do?

Text or IM you excessively?

Blame you for the hurtful things they say and do?

Threaten to kill or hurt you or themselves if you leave them?

Try to stop you from seeing or talking to friends and family?

Try to force you to have sex before you’re ready?

Do they hit, slap, push or kick you?

This is excellent information for your teenager to have. Share the website and phone number with them. Urge them to look over the information, and to use the website or phone number if they need help. With abusive relationships on the rise, both teens and parents can use all the information and resources they can get.

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Char over at Weary Parent has been nominated for a Grasshopper New Media Parents Hot Stuff of the Week award!

She received the much-deserved nomination for her post 13 Things We Need to Teach Our Teens, written back on April 19, just after the tragedy at Virginia Tech. Here’s an excerpt from her post:

1. You can’t always be first
2. You can’t always win
3. Not everything in life will be easy
4. How to deal with bullies, mean people and rude people
5. How to cope with the end of a relationship or break up
6. How to resolve a dispute with a teacher, boss or other superior
7. We all make mistakes and can learn from them
8. How to ask for help
9. Signs that a friend or loved one may be suffering (from an addiction, depression, etal)
10. How to make decisions by weighing pros and cons
11. Not all gratification can be instant - some things are worth the wait
12. Everyone has something to contribute to society - it just might take a little exploration
13. How to be a good friend

Make sure you go and read her entire post. She’s a great parent blogger! Also, make sure you go and vote for her! You can vote at: Hot Stuff: Vote For Your Favorites. Char’s one of the best!

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