Parenting Teens

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. It’s the perfect time to talk with your teen about the dangers of finding themselves involved in a relationship with violence or the potential for violence. According to the website Choose Respect, 1 in 11 high school students report being the victim of physical dating abuse, and about one in four teens reports verbal, physical, emotional, or sexual abuse each year.

Following is the text of the Teen Dating Bill of Rights:

Accept responsibility for myself and my actions.
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Be sure to talk with your teenager (whether male or female), about violence in relationships. Have them be watchful about any treatment or attitudes which make them uncomfortable from a boyfriend or girlfriend. Getting into inappropriate relationships can become a pattern. Help your teens know how to set boundaries, and be aware of the behavior of those with whom they have relationships.

For more on emotional issues, visit

Mental and Emotional Health

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I’ve posted several times before on the importance of communicating well with your teenager. However, this is one subject of which I think we can never really get enough!

During the teen years, children are making the dramatic transition to young adulthood. There is probably no other stage of childhood at which parents and children have more trouble communicating feelings. The child who once came to you with troubles, who liked getting hugs and kisses is now remote and uncommunicative. At the same time, a parent’s feelings toward a teen are becoming more complicated. You have pride in your child’s accomplishments and his becoming more independent, but at the same time, fear of your changing relationship, sadness at the end of his childhood, and frustration over losing some of your control over him.

Parents have preconceived ideas about what their teenager is or should be. This leads to many problems. A teenager is engaged in the process of becoming separate from mom and dad.

One good example of that struggle is appearance. Clothing, hairstyles, and makeup of which mom and dad don’t approve can be a major source of discord. A good rule of thumb to follow is that, if you can accept what

you

consider to be less-than-acceptable appearances in informal, everyday situations, it can give you some leverage in getting your teenager to dress more acceptably on more formal occasions.

By harrassing your teen about less important things like length of hair and style of dress, you allow more important issues to get lost in the shuffle. By respecting and accepting your teenager’s individuality in matters such as hair and dress, you help keep tension and strain between you at a lower level, allowing you to communicate more easily about the important things.

In short-don’t sweat the small stuff! Keep communications lines open for discussing really important issues!

For info and tips on communicating with younger children, check out:
Parenting Our Children
Parenting Toddlers

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It can be difficult to find books for teens that hold their interest and, at the same time, deal with real life. The Kimani TRU line from Harlequin is a line of books aimed specifically at African-American teenagers. They feature strong characters, and deal with today’s teen issues in sensitive and down-to-earth ways that teens can relate to, and yet still hold their reading interest. And one bit of good news is that some of these books have male lead characters which can hold a guy’s interest as well! There’s a new book from this imprint on the first of each month. Here are descriptions from the August, September, and October releases.

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James “JD” Dawson grew up in the hood, but left a life of violence three thousand miles behind to make something of himself at Clark Atlanta University. But when the freshman got off to a fool’s start–kicking it with his new homeboys, showing up late to class, not studying and checking out the shorties–JD was assigned a tutor, the luscious Katrina Turner. She made studying real fun. But if JD wanted to get with a girl like Katrina, he’d also have to learn to grow up.
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Three girls. Three high schools. Three gotta-read stories.

How To Be Down by Felicia Pride

When Nina Parker decides to straighten her Afro, lose her valley-girl accent and get a total makeover for her new school in the hood, the cutest guy notices — yes! But so does the meanest girl, Vivica, queen bee of her crew, who wants Jeffrey for herself.

Double Act by Debbie Rigaud

In the hood, Mia Chambers is ‘the smart girl,’ but at her prestigious new prep school she hardly stands out. So Mia does what it takes — only to be accused of selling out by her old friends!

The Summer She Learned To Dance by Karen Valentin

At first, Giselle Johnson hates spending the summer with her cousin from the Dominican Republic. But she soon starts loving the island and even learns to dance to her own rhythm. That is, until her cousin attracts Giselle’s high school crush…
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Fifteen-year-old Kenisha Lewis has it all: good friends who also live to dance, a hot boyfriend headed for the NBA, loving parents and a bling-filled home in the burbs.

But all that changes when her dad drops a bomb: he wants a divorce–and his pregnant girlfriend is moving in. Suddenly, Kenisha and her mom are squeezed into her grandmother’s small house in the city, and Kenisha’s sharing a bedroom with a cousin she barely knows. Could she hate her life any more? Yeah. Because her boyfriend dumps her, her friends are acting weird and her mother is getting more and more depressed. Time for Kenisha to push the pause button on her life and take a long, deep breath…
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For more on books for teens, visit Jackie at
Tiny Treasury

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The chances are good that your teen or tween has a cell phone. According to Linda Barrabee, a wireless market analyst for The Yankee Group, 56% of 13-to-17-year-olds have cell phones, compared to just 5% in the year 2000. What are kids doing with all those phones?

Originally, cell phones were used to make calls in case of emergency. A car broke down or you were stuck at a meeting somewhere. Cell phones eliminated the need to make sure you had quarters for the pay phone, and that you could find a pay phone when you needed one! Great idea, right!

That was until teenagers became one of the primary markets for cell phone manufacturers. Now you can do anything with a cell phone. Not only can you make calls and send text messages, you can take pictures, surf the web, play video games, watch movies and music videos (although those tiny screens are murder!). The cell phone has become a mini-computer-much smaller and easier to carry than a laptop.

My 17-year-old uses her cell phone primarily for texting friends. By paying an extra ten dollars per month, she gets unlimited texting. That’s actually a bargain, considering the amount of texting she does. She does use it to stay in touch with me when she’s at afterschool activities, on school trips, or just out shopping. She does that with actual phone calls. I just can’t get into texting. Call me an old fogey, but all those text abbreviations bug me (bff-best friend forever, idk-i don’t know). I just prefer to use whole words!

However, with cell phones being put to so many uses these days, some parents are becoming concerned about the kinds of things their kids have access to on them. At home, you can monitor your kids’ computer usage and block sites that you don’t want them to visit. It’s not so easy on their cell phones.

More and more cell phone manufacturers are seeing the need to give parents some control over what their kids have access to via a phone. Erinn, over at Parenting Our Children has a review of a new phone that allows parents to decide when the phone will be on and what features kids will be allowed to use.

If your tweens and teens carry cell phones, you might want to look into any controls that your company or phone allows you to have over your kids’ phone usage. These days, strangers have access to your kids via their cell phones. And that’s not a good thing.

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I belong to several groups dealing with parenting teenagers. The other day, the subject of discrimination against the mentally handicapped came up in one of those groups. One mother of a young teen in middle school brought up the report by her daughter that the word “retard” was used all the time by students at her school. Students apparently used the word as an adjective and as a derogatory remark against other students.

This member has a two-and-a-half year old nephew who has Down’s Syndrome. Her daughter is very close to her cousin, and was angered and hurt by the casual use of this word among her fellow students. We were all upset that this word would be used so callously by young teens. The girl’s parent felt that, since their school district sent all mentally handicapped students to one particular school, the causal use of this word was a result of these students not being exposed to their peers with mental disabilities. I have other ideas.

I place this squarely with the parents of students who would use such hurtful and derogatory remarks. As parents, we have a responsibility to teach our children to have compassion for others and to respect their feelings. The use of such words is, to me, a clear example that parents have not taught their children such compassion. Now, I realize that children can pick up on a word used by a peer and repeat it, sometimes not realizing how hurtful it can be. But such word use does not, originally, come from a vacuum. Children pick up on parents and other family members who do not have care and compassion for others. They will mimic not only words, but actions.

As a group we discussed this mother going to the school administration and/or the counseling office and requesting that the children receive some sensitivity training in this area. I’d suggest the same thing to any of you who have teens or any age children in a school where this type of thing goes on. It won’t stop all of the children from using such hurtful words, but it will reach some, who will realize that they are hurting the feelings of others. And be sure that you talk with teens, and any age children, about compassion and respecting others’ feelings.

The above Youtube video is a heartfelt speech by a high school student with a mentally handicapped sister. He talks about how he has learned more about life and love from his sister than from any classroom. Watch it, and share it with your teens. It has some very valuable lessons.

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How do you feel about the sagging pants trend among teens? My daughter and I were in the grocery section of the local Wal-Mart about a week ago, and saw one young man whose boxer shorts were almost totally revealed. We manged to hold back our giggles until we had rounded the corner into the next aisle, but then we almost collapsed! The guy’s green, blue, and white plaid boxers had us in stitches! I found myself wondering if he had bought them in Wal-Mart, so that at least they were getting some free advertising!

Seriously, if I want to see your underwear, I’ll be bold enough to walk up and ask you! Yahoo! News reports that some municipalities are now “cracking down” on crack-revealing pants and shorts. I had read about this in the Atlanta Journal-Constitution, and considered myself all for it.

Now comes the news that many people consider these laws racial stereotyping aimed at blacks. One African-American shop owner asked if the laws would also go after plumbers and construction workers whose pants sag. Fine by me. I don’t care anything about seeing their underwear (or anything else they have) either.

Even the ACLU is getting in on this, as evidenced by the following: “In Atlanta, we see this as racial profiling,” said Benetta Standly, statewide organizer for the American Civil Liberties Union of Georgia. “It’s going to target African-American male youths. There’s a fear with people associating the way you dress with crimes being committed.”

I’ve seen plenty of youths other than African-Americans wearing these saggy pants. The issue is the saggy pants themselves, not the color of the skin underneath them. This is just a very unattractive and disrespectful trend. As for associating this with crimes being committed, it’s widely reported that this particular fashion statement originated in prison. What, exactly, does that say?

I’m not so sure new laws are needed though. Don’t most cities and towns already have laws dealing with indecent exposure? Shouldn’t we just be enforcing those?

Personally, I hope the saggy pants trend ends soon. As I said earlier, if I want to see your underwear, I’ll ask. Otherwise, just assume I’d rather see you with your pants on.

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One of the front page stories in today’s Atlanta Journal-Constitution is very relevant to this blog. It tells the story of what one family went through to get their teenage son into an intervention program, and how this program changed the entire family.

At age 16, Bubba Brocard, of Cobb County, Georgia, had become a menace. He punched holes in walls during outbursts of rage. He got drunk and belligerent one day, high and aloof the next.

“He was totally out of control,” John Brocard said. “He was using marijuana, was drinking alcohol, lying, stealing and manipulating us. He would verbally abuse me and cuss at me in front of my wife and challenge me to fight.

“His constant outbursts of anger and rage scared his older sister and younger brother to the point they were afraid to be around him. His mood affected our whole household and our marriage.”

Bubba’s parents, John and Fair Brocard, were so desperate to save him, and their family, that they arranged for Bubba to be kidnapped in the middle of the night at their home, and taken to an intervention program. The program is named in the article, so if you’re interested in it, please go to the link above. The purpose of this post isn’t to support or point out any one program, but to have you read the story of the Brocards.

It’s a remarkable story that led to the complete turnaround-not only of the Brocard’s son, who is now 25 years old, graduated from high school and college, and has a good job-but of his parents, who now run their own non-profit organization to help other families with troubled teens.

Read the article. You’ll get a lift, as well as, possibly, some inspiration, if you’re in a situation like the Brocards’. If any of you readers have serious problems with teens, please let me know about it. I can point you in the direction of some specific programs, if you’d like.

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The following is a guest article by Randy Kimbrell, who has written many articles on alcoholism, its effects, and treatment.

Teenage alcohol abuse has become a huge problem in the United States. It affects every socio-economic level, all races, colors, and national origins. As a disease, alcoholism is more “equal opportunity” than almost anything else in this country.

The average age that a child in the United States begins drinking on a regular basis is just shy of age 16. That’s 5 full years before the legal drinking age! So when do they take their first drinks? Even younger: age 11 for boys and age 13 for girls. Those are staggering—and sobering—statistics.

The National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism has done several studies on teenage alcohol use and abuse, and found that youngsters who begin drinking before age 15 are four times more likely to become alcoholics than those who abstain until the legal age.

Adolescents who drink are far more likely to demonstrate aggressive behavior than their non-drinking counterparts. They get into more trouble with the law, may get arrested, and even sent to jail. Society’s patience with juvenile offenders has already worn thin and many young people are now being tried as adults for the crimes they commit. The best years of a young person’s life could be spent behind bars because of their drinking problem.

The young person may develop psychiatric problems like anxiety, depression, or even clinical depression. He or she may “act out”, raging against parents, teachers, or other authority figures.

And speaking of parents, they are the single biggest influence on whether or not a teen begins or continues drinking. When children, especially young children, witness drinking and a favorable view of alcohol consumption in their home, they are far more likely to become underage drinkers and eventually abuse alcohol.

On the other hand, when parents regularly communicate their negative beliefs about teen drinking, enforce behavior rules in the home, and monitor their children’s activities and whereabouts, the children have a much better chance of staying out of trouble.

Family also has a link in that alcoholism or other dependency issues seem to have a genetic “thread”. If a parent has or has had dependency problems, his or her children are at much greater risk for their own issues. However, if the parent has reached sobriety and is open about the struggles he or she went through, it can help the children resist the pressure to drink.

Peer pressure can also have an effect on an adolescent’s decision to begin drinking. While much has been written about peer pressure, and its effect should not be minimized, study after study has shown that parental involvement carries much more weight.

Teenage bodies and brains are still developing, and drinking at that age has a much more negative effect than on an adult. The abuse of alcohol by teenagers is insidious, and many times adults who don’t want to believe their children would “do that”, find out too late that they already have. Parents, teachers and social workers need to remain alert to the signs of alcohol abuse in teenagers.

Intervention is possible for anyone. But for a teenager who is abusing alcohol, it’s a must.

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Much has been made recently about increasing weight problems among children and adolescents. Now, a new study from Morehouse School of Medicine in Atlanta warns that high blood pressure is rising among children and teens.

The study, which will be published in the American Heart Association Journal, Circulation, was led by Rebecca Din-Dzietham. Ms. Din-Dzietham says, “This is a major public health problems. Unless this upward trend in high blood pressure is reversed, we could be facing an explosion of new cardiovascular disease cases in young adults and adults.” Increases so far have been small-just one percent for early hypertension and 2.3 percent for full-blown hypertension. However, those numbers translate into hundreds of thousands more children developing what often becomes a chronic, lifelong condition.

How do you help combat high blood pressure in your children and teens? Small, common-sense measures. Make sure your kids are eating a healthy diet-one low in fat and salt. Just the opposite of what most kids (especially teens) like to eat, right? In addition, make sure your kids get regular exercise. These can be the two most important things you can do for your child.

If you have teens who are resistant to the diet-and-exercise routine, try providing them with an opportunity to speak with someone-a friend or relative-who suffers from high blood pressure. If they can talk with someone about the problems they have with the disease on a day-to-day basis, they just might pay attention!

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Have you been following the controversy over nude pictures of 18-year-old “High School Musical” star Vanessa Hudgens? Seems nude photos of her have been leaked on the internet. Miss Hudgens has apologized for the photos, saying the following:

I want to apologize to my fans, whose support and trust means the world to me. I am embarrassed over this situation, and regret having ever taken these photos. I am thankful for the support of my family and friends.

What’s been interesting to read are some of the comments made about Miss Hudgens and the photos. Over at iVillage, the comments have run gamut from “She’s 18 years old, and these photos were done in private, so get over it!” to “Her career with Disney is over.” One of my favorite comments gave the opinion that “the world is not such an innocent place any more.”

What would your feelings as a parent be if a friend of your teen had nude photos on the internet? What if your own teen did? Personally, if my almost-17-year-old daughter has to apologize for nude pictures of her appearing on the web when she’s 18, it better be one “heck” of an apology!

It’s true that the world is not such an innocent place any more. I don’t necessarily think that’s a good thing. And I firmly believe that, whether or not they are considered legal adults, not all 18-year-olds are capable of making good decisions. These are the same 18-year-olds that are calling us from college because they need money, or they need mom to do their laundry next week! They’re having trouble with their coursework, and they need tutoring. We worry whether or not they’re living on pizza and cheeseburgers and never eating a green vegetable!

Sure, some of them are more mature than others. And if you think your daughter is capable of handling the kind of attention that comes with published nude photos of herself, and you’re okay with that-that’s up to you. Personally, I’m going to be here mourning that “more innocent” world we have lost-just for a little while!

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I used the picture above only because I couldn’t find anything dealing with the expenses of juniors, or with high school expenses in general-but whew! Do you sometimes feel your middle or high school age teen is bankrupting you? My daughter’s a junior this year, and we’ve never put out so much money in our lives!

First, as she’s a member of the marching band, we had to lay out $150.00 in band fees, as well as buying shoes, gloves, etc. Then, there’s the expense involved with the upkeep of her clarinet (we won’t go into what we paid for it three years ago), and what seems to be the almost constant buying of reeds for it. Then, as the marching band appears at all the football games, there’s the expense of buying two tickets for each home game for myself and her dad (we rarely go to away games, mainly to save money!). Then there’s the annual band trip, which will be to Disney World next spring, and which involves the outlay of several hundred dollars more. And none of this includes upkeep or anything else involving her bass guitar, which she plays in our church band and in jazz band at school, once the marching season’s over.

But enough about instruments. There’s still plenty of other expenses. She’s also on the academic team and the math team. Upcoming overnight trips for these two teams to compete will involve at least spending money, and some of the money for the travel expenses as well, since these teams don’t receive enough money from the school system to pay expenses. The jury’s still out on how much we will put into these two activities by the end of the school year.

On top of everything else, her academic team adviser is putting together a student trip to Germany, which will take place at the end of the school year, but we have to start making monthly payments of about $250.00 a month on it now. No, this trip isn’t absolutely necessary, but we’re determined to send her. She’s had several invitations to go on overseas trips since starting high school, but we haven’t been able to afford them and we’re determined to send her on this one.

Oh, yeah, then there’s the upcoming homecoming dance for which she’ll need a dress, shoes, and her hair and nails done! Then, in the spring will be her prom-involving another outlay of precious cash for finery. And, lest I forget, she came home yesterday with the news that she needs to buy her class ring this year-in order to get her cap and gown for next year’s graduation free.

And her birthday’s almost here, which involves a party, not to mention gifts! It’s a good thing she’ll be getting that cap and gown free next year! Her prom date for next year can plan to pick her up at the poorhouse! It’s where we’ll be living by the time her junior year is over!

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For once, I’m going to recommend a book that I haven’t even read yet! Based on Newsweek’s interview with author Diana West, The Death of the Grown-up sounds like a fascinating book. Here’s a reprint of the interview:

NEWSWEEK: First, can you clarify how you are defining the term “grown-up”?
Diana West: What I’m mostly trying to define is the change in attitudes toward growing up. Reading Lionel Trilling, I was struck by what he saw. He noted the complete eradication of the notion of making a life with a beginning, middle and end. That would be the sea change, that aspiration has disappeared. It used to be a reflexive action to reject your growing years. People were expected to grow out of adolescence and lose certain traits such as the self-absorption, lack of identity and striving of a young person to find himself. We as a society no longer expect to find ourselves, it’s become an open-ended process.

Can you give an example of how you see adults behaving like adolescents?
Recently, the New York Times Style section’s lead story was about how “The Boys in the Band are in AARP” [American Association of Retired People], about retired men starting garage bands. It’s like a morphing of what was once considered countercultural with the most mainstream, middle-class, stalwart members of the community. That kind of image really encapsulates the phenomenon and shows how society thinks that it is completely unremarkable.

So are we really talking about the death of the adult male?
Where womanhood stands today is deeply affected by the death of grown-up. I would say the sexualized female is part of the phenomenon I’m talking about, so I don’t think they’re immune to the death of the grown-up. Women are still emulating young fashion. Where sex is more available, there are no longer the same incentives building toward married life, which once was a big motivation toward the maturing process.

You write that “it was during the period of peace, prosperity and bright futures that followed World War II that the adult began to ape the adolescent.” Do you think the experience of war is necessary for the maturing process?
I wouldn’t say war is a necessary experience, though it certainly is a transformative experience. The question is, what is the formative experience to make a perpetual adolescent? When you talk about the postwar period, the vast new affluence is a big factor in reorienting the culture to adolescent desire. You see a shift in cultural authority going to the young. Instead of kids who might take a job to be able to help with household expenses, all of a sudden that pocket money was going into the manufacture of a massive new culture. That conferred such importance to a period of adolescence that had never been there before.

Hasn’t there always been a culture clash between generations?
The main difference is that the counterbalance has been lost. When you come up with the latest outrage that seems to shock people—something like kids freak-dancing at the prom—the adults tend to retreat, talk amongst themselves, wring their hands, but never exercise the power they have as mentors and parents and teachers. They never instruct kids in basic civility, in basic male-female relationships. You lose your power when you don’t exercise it. The adults today have no confidence. I remember being at a high-school party, and at 12 o’clock the mother comes into the middle of the room and blows a police whistle and says, “Thank you for coming, goodnight.” What parent would do that today? It’s the same thing with the spring-break syndrome, where kids are planning expensive trips, going out unchaperoned, they are drinking, debauching, absolutely running amok, yet the parents say, “I can’t do anything about it.” Parents have abdicated responsibilities to give in to adolescent desire.

You quote the cultural critic Neil Postman (“Amusing Ourselves to Death”) saying that prior to literate adulthood, “everyone shared the same information environment.” Could we be seeing a return to that today, with the Internet allowing everyone access to the same information?
I think the Internet comes late to the game. It magnifies the ideas. The Internet is not a cause of the death of the grown-up, but maybe an extension, in the sense that it opened up the boundaries of accessibility to information. But so much of what we consider to be sophistication is just exposure, not really experience or achievement. This sort of exposure can be jading but not enriching.

What I hear you saying is that kids have become more adult in their behaviors just as adults have become more childlike. Is it the death of the grown-up, or the end of childhood?
It’s kind of like a blending that ends up yielding neither one nor the other. There is this sense of wanting to stay young, wanting to stay open, unformed, not wanting Lionel Trilling’s shaped life. You see quite a number of men and women aping the young in terms of everyday clothing, 10-year-olds and 50-year-olds are wearing chunky athletic shoes, T shirts and shorts, and they’re looking the same. It used to be a mark of passage when boys stopped wearing short pants. There’s not really a popular culture that’s geared toward adults. Will it stay with us forever? Will it be something we look back on as a funny blip? I don’t know, but I think it is something new.

I agree with most of the things Ms. West says in this interview. And I believe that one of the reasons for the erosion of parental authority over teenagers is that parents seem “less grown-up” to their teens that my own parents seemed to me. It often does seem that, when I was a teen, no matter the size of the kid, you could tell parent from child merely by the clothes they were wearing. Now, my daughter and I tend to wear the same styles-mostly jeans and tops.

However, clothes are only an outward sign. I think one of the biggest problems is this fear that many parent seem to have to really discipline their kids. Adolescents have become a group with a lot of power, while parents seem to have less authority over them. And parents need to take back that authority.

I can’t wait to get my copy of this book! How do you feel about your authority over your children? Does it seem to you that teens and adults have become more “blended” and that the lines are becoming blurred? Is this a bad or good thing? Let me know how you feel.

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Is your teen one of those who likes to participate in every activity coming and going? My daughter doesn’t really participate in that many extracurricular activities, but the ones she does like are very time-consuming. With school back in session, all those activities make our schedules a lot more hectic!

To handle all those activities, and mesh them with your own schedule, you’ll need a good calendar-probably more than one! Keep And Share offers a wide variety of calendars-many of which you can print out. But the best part is that they offer free online calendars, which you can share with others and keep private via the use of passwords. These online sharing calendars are great!

If your teen finds an activity in which he/she would like to participate, they can first check your schedule on the calendar to find out if you have any conflicts. Likewise, you can easily check your schedule from work or home-or anywhere else, if you carry a PDA-to check your child’s schedule if you need to do so.

These calendars are great for keeping up with your whole family’s schedule at once, since they can be changed easily on your computer, without doing a lot of erasing or marking out, and they let anyone in the family see what’s going on, helping prevent scheduling conflicts. Great, especially, for moms, dads and busy teens! Try one!

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As a social worker who once worked with juvenile populations, the term “troubled teen” troubles me! Troubled seems to be such a catch-all word. Teenagers can be troubled in so many different areas, making this a blanket term, which gives no vital information into what kinds of problems a teenager may be facing.

Having said that, I feel the teen in this brief article from the Atlanta Journal-Constitution really is troubled.

Henry County police said a Luella High School student who reported being stabbed this morning actually cut himself and faces possible charges.

Capt. Jason Bolton said the 16-year-old male is cooperating with detectives. Bolton said the teenager, who was not identified because of his age, could be charged with making a false report of a crime.

Police said the teenager arrived late to his first class of the day and told his teacher he’d been stabbed as he entered a portable classroom. The student was airlifted to Grady Memorial Hospital, where doctors determined the cuts were superficial and non life-threatening, police said.

The knife believed used in the incident was found on school grounds, Bolton said, but he declined to further identify it.

A teen must really need attention badly to do something like this. Now, I am not blaming his parents. Teens are not known for always readily talking about their problems to anyone, let alone their parents! But I have to wonder if no one-parents, teachers, friends-noticed that this teen was really upset in some way. Had there been difficult changes in his life? Was he teased and made fun of in school? Was he a loner who didn’t socialize with his peers or anyone else?

At least in this case, he did not turn his feelings onto someone else and stab fellow students or teachers. But I feel a very deep sorrow for this young man, and for his parents. He needs help, and I hope this is a wake-up call for his parents, teachers, and others around him to see that he gets it. I can’t help wondering how many other teens out there are in similar situations.

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An oath doesn’t just mean swearing at your teen when you don’t think you can take their behavior any more! Aurelia Williams, a certified life coach over at Parenting My Teen has an oath for parents to sign, promising to not only take care of your teen, but also to listen, and to value your teen’s opinions and attitudes.

Parent/teen contracts have become very popular for things such as driving, behavior, etc. Why not sign a contract with yourself promising good parenting skills and actions? Following is a copy of the Parenting My Teen oath. Go to the Parenting My Teen website for lots of other helpful information on parenting teenagers.

The Parenting My Teen Oath

As a loving and devoted parent of a teenager, I vow to do the following:

o Communicate Effectively - I will no longer lecture, but instead I will discuss issues with my teenager in a way that he/she can understand. I will do what is necessary to help my teen learn and grow from our discussions.

o Enter My Teen’s World - I will stay aware of the music my teen listens to and the websites they visit. I will learn who my teen’s friends are and will meet as many of them as possible.

o Enhance My Awareness - I will constantly remain aware of the changes in my teen’s physical, emotional & educational well-being. Upon noticing any changes that concern me, I will communicate the concern with my teen.

o Connect - I realize that I am the best defense my teen has against peer pressure. I will spend quality time with my teen to strengthen our bond. I will talk with my teen daily about his/her feelings, thoughts and encounters.

o Set Rules & Follow Through - I have clearly explained the rules and the consequences of breaking the rules to my teen. I will follow through with the consequences, always.

o Focus on the Positive - I will encourage my teen by providing him/her with positive feedback on their behavior, attitude, achievements, etc.

o Listen - I will listen (not just hear, but really listen) to what my teen is saying. If I don’t understand fully I will ask questions until I do.
o Vigilance - I will never give up on my teen. If times of trouble arise, that I cannot fix on my own, I will seek help.

o Express My Love – No matter what happens, I will tell my teen each and every day that I love them.

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Parent(s) Signature Date